My Thanksgiving

I had a nice day yesterday. I think it really helps the sicky stuff when I don't have to wake up to the alarm clock, get the dog outside, and be somewhere by a certain time with stress and work and deadlines waiting for me. Wednesday I had been pretty yucky all day so I was excited to wake up Thursday feeling normal hunger pains and no sick-ies.

I guess my Thanksgiving holiday started Wednesday. A couple weeks ago, when I took the garbage out, there was a cute little corner computer desk sitting by the dumpsters. I got Jeff and we went out and brought it home. It had been sitting in the middle of our living room for two weeks and we were about deciding we didn't really want it. But when I got home Wednesday, Jeff had rearranged the whole living room. This means that I now have our kitchen table back (that's where the computer has been). We also brought the t.v. out of Jeff's game room so we can have people over to watch movies etc more comfortably AND with the little room somewhat emptied, we can have a place for the baby! I'm so excited to set up a nursery now, I can't see straight. My only hesitation is, can we keep affording our rent?!?!

We also went to my mom's house Wednesday night. I like to help my mom make stuff for the holidays. I miss not being home and fretting with and helping her. Jeff went with me and he and Khrystine talk a lot, which is fun for me. Sometimes they both like to argue (not so fun for me) but they seem to click. And they and Dad watched the movie Hancock. It was fun to just be there for a while.

Yesterday, as I said, I woke up feeling good. About 1, we went over to Stephen and Heather's to say hi to everyone. I actually got to see ALL the family (except of course for Ben and Mel in Florida) so that was fun. Jeff hasn't been around Stephen's new group much. The twins took an instant liking to his tall bigness and soon he was flipping them over his shoulder and lifting them up high enough to bump their heads on the ceiling. This of course was completely delilghtful for me. It was fun to see Gina and baby Hunter and think that this time next year, we'll have a baby the same size as Hunter is now. WOW! That kinda blew us both away. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk as much to Karen as I'd hoped. She got there just before we left, but at least I got to see her for a minute.

From there, we went to Jeff's grandma's. I'm starting to feel more comfortable and like I know people so that's good. But there is still a bit of feeling new and awkward. There are a lot of new people and step kids and someone's in laws etc. So it's hard to keep track of them all, but it was fun. We had some really good food. I just wanted to eat more than I did. Luckily, we got to bring some home with us :)

We went home and the dog had behaved (I was so glad for that!) and watched a movie... hm, I think it was called Meet Dave. It had Eddie Murphy as an alien. Actually, his body is more like the ship that all these little one inch high people are operating. It was pretty cheesy, but fun. Then I went to bed and I'm back at work today with not a whole lot to do. My tummy is a bit sicky, but I think it's just 10 o'clock and I need to eat again (I get hungry everyday at this time).

I am thankful for...

Today I filled my car up with gas- from almost touching E to the pump stopping because it's full- for only $20.29!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another post

I guess I should post something new and be done with the sad story. The dog is going much better by the way. It's been a long week and I'm very tired. I think I need a vacation. Someone called the other day and asked for Jeff. I was hoping it was a job and gave him the phone. It was someone offering a free night's stay in Park City. He declined and I was glad because nothing is free and I'm sure they would just try to sell us something once we got there. But, I keep thinking, wouldn't it be nice to go on vacation? Like when I was a kid and Dad took care of everything and I could just relax? Now if we want to go on vacation, we have to figure out how to pay for it and drive there ourselves and... bah, who needs THAT stress???

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't know what exactly I'm looking forward to. I think (mommy would be so proud!) the thing I'm most looking forward to is all the pretty, sparkly, colorful lights and decorations. I just want to sit in my living room and look at my little Charlie Brown tree and drink hot chocolate. Maybe THAT would be a vacation!

Speaking of looking forward to things... next week, the day after Thanksgiving, is my next doctor's appointment. I guess I look forward to going because it gives me a chance to know everything is alright and it makes this real. You'd think my heaviness and throwing up would make it real! but you know what I mean. I think, from what I've read and heard, I'll probably be having an ultrasound and finding out the sex next month? That will be a fun Christmas present. I think it's kind of cool that it was my birthday when I was really starting to wonder and look for this to be it. I kind of got to tell my mom I thought I was when she took me out for my birthday. That's fun. At the time, I was concerned that I was ruining the surprise, but now I'm glad she got to share the suspense with me :)

I think this weekend I'm going to make Jeffrey go out with me driving around and looking at apartments to see if we can get any numbers for apartments for rent. I really don't want to move; it sounds so hard right now! But I really think we need to find a less expensive apartment. I don't know how that will go over with the dog or if cheaper apartments even exist!

I'm really looking forward to sleeping this weekend.

A Sad Story

My dog is such a good sweet dog. She gets a little hyper or annoying sometimes, but she takes such good care of me. When I'm sick, she seems to know and she stays by me. When I've been sad, she looks at me concerned and tries to lick it better.
Niobe is very good about staying with me when we go outside. Sometimes we let her go out by herself. She's afraid of people so we don't have to worry about that- she'll come running back before she'd ever go after anybody. Sometimes when we let her out alone, I have to encourage her to go up the stairs by herself because she'll wait for me.
When we first got her, she was potty trained and she was comfortable with us (we got her from Jeff's dad's family). But, being in a new place, it took her a long time to get comfortable with her surroundings. We would put her on a leash and take her to the backyard and then take off the leash so she could sniff around. It seemed to take her a long time to even know it was okay to go to the bathroom.
All of this combined, I often take the dog out without a leash. Especially lately, I think I should use one more for the security of anyone else that happens to be outside than for the dog's safety or to keep her under control. But, being pregnant, I've been quite lazy, especially if I'm the one to take her out in the morning. Lately I've just been watching from the bottom of the stairs because she's so good about doing her thing and coming right back and then if I need to I know to go clean up.

The other night when I got home from work I opened the door to let her out. Sometimes when she really has to go, she'll run up the stairs without hesitating. So she did this night. I was right behind her though, or so I thought. When she got to the top of the stairs, she bolted. She's done this once or twice before when she goes after a cat or a bird. She's just playing. I called her name and got to about the third step just in time to see her dash into the parking lot. A car was also coming through and hit her full on the side.
I really expected her to be dead when I got there. I called back to Jeff who I hadn't even said hi to yet hoping he'd come out. He stays much more calm than I do in stressful situations. I got to the top of the stairs and Niobe wasn't near the car. Instead she came running from the other direction, went straight down the stairs and into the apartment. I called her again to try to get her to come to me so I could see if she was alright, but thinking she was still running she must be at least somewhat okay.
The driver had stopped his car and got out. I thought I better talk to him. I felt almost as bad for him as I did the dog. He was a young guy and pretty shook up. He said he saw the cat but not the dog, he just heard her yelp and felt the car hit something. I apologized and told him she was still running so she's probably okay. He stood there for a bit and then calmed down and left just as Jeff was coming out asking what was going on.
We got Niobe to come up the stairs and go to the bathroom and watched to see if she was limping or if anything was bleeding. She had a pretty good cut on her face and her tail looked bent, but she was walking okay, just emotionally upset. We took her in and cleaned her cut and just watched her the rest of the night. We didn't know where to take her and we didn't have any money either. She went up and down the stairs a time or two more, but by the time I was going to bed, I couldn't get her up the stairs. I wasn't sure if she was hurt or just scared.
We took her to the doctor the next day (thanks to our moms for helping with the money) and she seemed to be okay. There's a possibility her tail is broken but that would have to heal on it's own anyway. She has been very good about taking pain pills and an antibiotic. The doctor said that even a bruised muscle can cause infection so the antibiotic is precautionary. Our nervous dog did surpsrisingly well with it all but it was a rough visit anyway. She seems to be doing better now, but is still very cautious and will yelp for no reason or when she moves and I worry something hurts more than just aches and pains.

Expectorant

(I can really tell what kind of a day I'm having/mood I'm in by the things I find funny. I find my title wonderfully creative, a bit sarcastic, clever and oh so funny. That should tell you what kind of a day this has been :) )
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When I was born,
they looked at me and said,
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy...

When you were born,
they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl...

We've got these chains
hangin round our necks,
people wanna strangle us with 'em, before we take our first breath

Afraid of change,
Afraid of stayin the same,
When temptation calls, we just look away....
BNL

This is one of my all time favorite songs EVER. Anyone who knows me knows all the expectations I feel, my need to please others, my almost abusive behavior toward myself to be what I'm "supposed" to be. This song speaks to those concerns.
The lines about love and "be with me tonight" have always resonated with me. Was I going to be so hard on myself, so rigid in my life, that even love was a temptation and something I tried to "do right?" It wasn't fair to me or to the other person to hold so tightly to this false front of being what I thought everyone else wanted; of never being truly myself. Falling in love, meeting that person, proved these feelings more than I would have guessed listening to this song prior to meeting him.
BNL is one of the best bands ever. I love their music for music's sake. I love their poetry and lyrics. They seem often to double play words and you'll be listening to something all upbeat and silly and then realize the words could mean something else and it becomes very profound. That's what I love about poetry anyway... it's feelings that people relate to, not the actual event or goings-on.
I love this song for what it says to me. It's like when I hear a song that speaks to me, it somehow not only validates my feelings, but gives me the permission (as one who lives under the weight of expectation would need) to express them or even just to have them. And then it frees me to "give in to the temptation" to just be myself, to let go of the expectations, even simply (or not so simply for some of us) to love someone else. (See, expectorant- to cause to expel or get rid of- doesn't seem like such an odd title now does it?)

Anyway, I was listening to this song over and over on the way to and from work the other day. Thinking about my baby, I don't want to put that weight of expectation on him/her. I just want to love him and teach him to be his own person and to be happy. There is so much to experience and do in life! It can be such an exciting place.
As I listened to the song, these ideals and hopes I've had for myself as a parent were more real than ever and I fear how I will give them to someone else when I've struggled (and still do) to let myself have them.
And I wondered about expectations. I want my baby to know she is the most beautiful, smart, wonderful girl in the whole world. I want him to be strong and brave and able to do anything he wants. That right there is the very thing the song starts out with. Before we even take our first breaths, people are labeling, defining us... even with the best of intentions.

My Political Spin

Tuesday night, I told Jeff I didn't think it would be that "weird" to have a black president. He agreed. I suppose this shows our naivety. I think Utah is supposed to be known as such a white Mormon state, so it's not really like I know much about racial issues etc. But we both went to schools that were considered more diverse. Seeing interracial couples was not a big deal and it just doesn't seem to us that people of our generation really are even aware of prejudice and racism. I think this is a good thing; people are people, not a color, culture, or race.
I didn't see much t.v. Tuesday night to know what was going on with the election. Jeff had it on a bit and I listened from the other room and it sounded like Obama was ahead, but still close. Wednesday morning I listened to the radio on the way to work to find out what had happened. When they talked about Obama winning and that it was a historical thing being the first African American president, I admit I got more than choked up. It is a NEAT thing. It IS a big deal. I felt rather proud that our country would see men and not a color. I sensed somewhat that there is a whole group of people out there that have faced racism and prejudice, simply because of a color. I felt hope that we have come or are going past this. I felt a sense of relief, as if those things could maybe be put behind us or healed somehow.
Someone at work mentioned that there is probably a need to be concerned about an assassination threat because of some of the radical groups that are out there that have already voiced certain opinions. I hadn't even thought of that. I have heard that people are afraid of Obama's Muslim ties or that he's a terrorist. Again, it must be my naivety, but I can't even wrap my head around such things.
Today I read an article about a high school in Florida that people were trying to change the name of. It is named for a Confederate general who is also believed to be the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. It was originally started as an all white school but now over half the students are black. The school board voted to keep the name. People opposed to changing it just didn't see it as necessary. One person argued that we shouldn't hide or change history and the man was a general who played a big role. I almost bought that argument except for the KKK ties. How would it feel to be part of a group that was so targeted and then have people just not care that that is thrown in your face? And that probably puts it nicely.

On a less serious note, there was a very nice picture on the front page of Wednesday's Tribune of the Obama family. I don't think any words showed on that half of the paper, so that when it was displayed in the racks, you would only see the picture. I think Mrs. Obama and their daughters are very beautiful (darn my superficial-ness again!). Their daughters are quite young. I wondered what it's like for them to know their dad is the president and they are going to live in the White House. The older daughter looks old enough to have some understanding but still young enough to get caught up in the excitement of "yay! daddy, you won!" I wondered if it's weird for them. Then I wondered what their life has been like up to now. Have they always been political? Do they go to schools and family parties and associate with other kids who have parents in government? Like celebrities who may not even realize they are famous because that's just the way life is? What a different world.

Hello me, are you there?

I know I blog too much about my appearance and what some think is wordly, superficial concerns. And I start each blog this same way and feel a need to apologize. But for those of you who don't mind talking about it (Mom? Khrys? Are you there?), read on....

Not long before finding out for sure that I'm pregnant, but pretty sure I was, I went to the store on a Saturday morning. I just ran over for a few necessities and, not feeling so hot anyway, threw on my sweats. I never care until I get there that I look less than stellar. Walking across the parking lot, I thought about how I looked. It was weird in that moment because I thought of myself being someone's mom, not someone... I don't even know how to explain it. I imagined being there with my kids and the image I wanted to portray was much different than I've ever thought about it before.
Of course, meeting Jeff and getting married, you stop thinking, in a way, of attracting the opposite sex, whether you're really concious of these thoughts or not. I never before thought of myself as sexy or alluring or anything on those lines, but I think that even when I wasn't thinking about it or trying, I was always trying to look pretty or even look a certain part when I ventured out in public.
I've floundered a lot with my appearance since getting married. It's been strange to me. It's almost like I don't even know what styles I like or how I want to look. I've thought it's just a new identity I've taken on in life or something. But in this moment, walking into the store thinking of myself as a mother, I realized I really am stepping into a whole new role. It's someone I've never been before in my life.

I'm thinking about this stuff today because as I start to feel a little better, I feel like getting ready in the morning. This, I suppose, makes me critical of my recent letting go; I feel like I'm doing good if I'm clean and dressed and at work, forget the looking good stuff.
My pants are also getting too small and uncomfortable. Today I thought I would wear a skirt. I have lots of pretty skirts and a lot of them are loose and comfy. I wore an outfit that once would have been my favorite- in my quirky, dorky self way; a look I felt I pulled off or at least didn't care if I didn't in college. My skirt is very pretty; I'd like to find more tops to go with it. I like to dress it down a bit with a hooded sweatshirt, in a pretty color, and usually flip flops or sandals. Today is cold so I wore sneakers that I bought for the very purpose of being able to wear them with skirts (the quirky, dorky thing). I got sick after I got out of the shower this morning, so that left no time for my hair or make-up. Perhaps it's just being at an office, but I just feel really lacking in the outward appearance today. But what I decided is, this casual, care-free look just isn't working for me anymore. Natural and comfy I want to hold onto, but not care less and undone. It's time to grow up.
When I think of being a mother, I forget to imagine the baby cereal in my tangled hair and the need to wear big, loose, cover everything shirts. (I'm actually looking forward to that! haha). But I want to be a bit... elegant or polished. I want my children to know what it means to be a lady. Not stylish and competitive looking with my 16 year old daughter. Not stuffy and unable to get down on the floor and wrestle with my toddlers. But pulled together and pretty. I just want to be pretty.

Another thing I'm noticing about myself today is how I always talk in questions and like I'm seeking advice. Okay, lots of times I am. But sometimes I realize I talk this way and it bothers me. I DO know something and CAN make up my mind about some things all by myself. It bothers me when I start to feel like I'm talking down to myself by doing this. I also realize that it's almost an avoidant behavior. If I can get you talking, I don't have to commit to any ideas, opinions, etc. I can keep my precious secrets to myself and not lay them out there for someone to stomp all over. I'm doing the same thing with this discussion of my looks. Like I want to end by asking for someone's opinion or advice or help. As if I can't stand up and say for myself...?... I even started with an apology. "If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry for what I'm saying?" That makes sense.

So, advice anyone??? :)-