People Watching

One day I went to Papa Murphy's and as I sat waiting for my pizza, I noticed a girl who had just come in. She was wearing a t-shirt and coat, track shorts, gym shoes and was very pregnant. She had beautiful skin and wore no make-up. I remember her hair being long and straight and shiny, but not styled. When I think about it now though, it may have been braided. She ordered her pizza and her husband (I assume) came in and they sat down.
I thought she was one of the prettiest women I've ever seen. There was something serene about her. She looked comfortable with herself.

Today, as I sat waiting for Jeff (I picked him up from work), I saw a woman walking through the parking lot who then crossed the street in front of me. She wore jeans, boots, and a tan sweater over a tight fitting tank top. The tank was lower cut with a U shaped neck. Her boobs looked like they were presented on a platter and really "put out there." They bounced so much I thought they might fall out over the tank. She had long straight blonde hair. Her face looked a bit older (older than I am, not old) but from a distance she had a young appearance. I think a lot of it was in her attitude. She walked confidently. In spite of her bounciness, I thought she looked pretty darn good.

I sat in Papa Murphy's that day wanting to thank the casual woman for being an example of how to be pretty without being worldly. I sat in the car today, with a dog in my lap, my hair looking pretty but not stylish, wearing very little make-up. I wanted to have that woman help me, give me a make-over. At first I wanted to pop her boobs just because it would be funny to see her flying around like a balloon as the air goes out of it. Later I wanted to hate her because of her worldly, self important appearance.

For all I know, Murphy (new name for girl #1) never goes out of the house looking un-made up but had just come from the gym. And maybe Bouncy has never worn anything like that in her life and had just come from starring in a t.v. make over show.

Today a girl at work who I think is very cute, although I don't know if I even think she's pretty, she just has a great personality so in my head she's cute, was dressed up for a reception she was going to after work. She looked so pretty. Her hair was done soft and femininely; she usually is quite casual and has it in a pony tail. She wore a dress; usually she wears jeans and a sweatshirt, occassionally a pretty top. She really did look nice today and everybody told her so. I thought so, but at the same time, I thought she didn't quite look like her. It was interesting to see how even dressed up, certain style or personality traits were expressed- just looking at the outside. It was also interesting to see that even all dressed up, I kinda think she looks better when she's casual. Simply because it's "her."

Let's Talk About Sex

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23254178

I just read the weirdest article. I'm not even sure what I think of it, but think we should discuss it. Maybe. Maybe I'm too embarrassed.
The article discusses whether or not you can reinstate your virginity. It looks at both spiritual and physical ways people (mostly women) are claiming to do this.
While I believe in repentance and etc, I'm not so sure we can just give this away and then take it back. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what makes it important? But, it does raise some interesting questions about attitude and the physical side of it and...
Well, if you have the time, read the article and let me know what you think. (I'm out of time and on my way out of work. I'll think and write my fabulous opinionated response later).

Change Revisited

The funny thing is, once I felt okay NOT changing, I was freed to know what and how I wanted to change.

Yesterday was the second Monday in a row that didn't kill me. In fact, the lack of killing felt so good, I actually left work feeling good! How strange is that?
Last Friday I had gone to the drug store with my mom and Kiki. I was desparately wanting some new make-up, not just wanting a new look, but needing new products if I'm going to use them (I was running out of stuff!). This should have been a fun thing, but I walked up and down the make-up isle completely uninspired. In fact, I felt a little bit angry. Khrys asked if I couldn't just relax and have fun with it and then the answers would come.
Well, no. I couldn't. It's not just make-up and playing dress up for me. It's like a whole philosophy. Perhaps that sounds silly to some, but as many a blog has shown, there is a lot behind it- covering yourself, expressing yourself, the ins and outs and why's and other people's opinions. As I said in my last blog, there's a reason my hair is what it is right now. Same with make-up... almost. There is something I'm trying to say about myself. Something I'm trying to own in a way. That something is ME!
So anyway, once I had decided not to change my hair and to not give up on my make-up philosophy, it all fell into place. I stopped at the drug store on the way home to get some clippers for Jeff's hair. Conveniently, they were located in the make-up isle and I took a stroll looking for a particular nail polish shade. Lo and behold, I found the perfect eye shadow! It's a cheap brand that I bought when I was in junior high school, so I was a bit skeptical, but I wore it today and it was perfect. Saturday, I just happened upon a picture and decided, this is what I want for my hair right now, so after Walgreen's I went to get my hair done. Lo and behold, the girl didn't try to change me or confuse me, she just said, so you just want this? And we'll do that? Well, yes! That's all I've wanted done with it for a year! It was the best hair cut ever... because it didn't change much. It's just better. Today my hair pretty much looks the same, but it's softer, smoother, and easier to control. Wow.

All this change is not so superficial as it sounds. I spent about two hours on Sunday writing in my journal trying to clear my head of some family junk (no offense). I think Mumsy's blog says it all quite well about opression. I'm tired of living under this... what word did she use? goop? It's a sadness, a dark kind of thing. And I'm tired of it! I've spent a long time trying to figure it out. Trying to "change" it or myself or "overcome" it.
I got rid of a lot on Sunday. I'm not going to let the way other people are have an effect on me, especially when I start noticing it affecting my marriage and the person who matters more than just about anyone else. But the thing is, by stopping the resistance, stopping this need to change it, I've actually freed myself to act, be, do whatever it is I've been trying to get a hold of for... ever!
So in a way, I've let go of a lot of people, feelings, expectations etc. Not so easy as just letting go of a helium balloon. More like letting go of a ton of bricks you've been carrying uphill your whole life and your arms shake and hurt from the absence of pressure, but at least now they can rest and heal and start working for what you need them for. I don't mean to sound mean and heartless. Anyone who reads this can probably be pretty sure they are among those I love and cherish and care about and want in my life. But as for anyone else? Bah humbug. I'm just done. Done putting up with the crappy way you treat people- and oh that puts it simply.

I have learned that it's okay to hurt. That it's okay to be miserable and doubt yourself and apologize when someone else does you wrong! What the heck is that? All for your selfish selfish stupidity and meanness. And now, the man in my life, who is just as offended by the things you do as I am, is the one to be affected because I can't let myself get close to him because I'm afraid of you??? What kind of crap is that!!!

For probably only the second time in my life, I tried to stand up to my dad the other day. I don't know if it was even strong enough for anyone else to notice. But I noticed. I felt it. And what a huge step that is for me!
I found my make-up and got my hair done. Superficial to some, but very important in just letting myself be.

Change is Gonna Do Me Good?

Last Monday and Tuesday I was so stressed at work I was shaking. I thought I just can't do this anymore; even just physically I can't keep putting myself through this. I was also able to at least question my reaction. What really was stressing me? What was I afraid of? What did I think would happen if I didn't get stuff done?
By Thursday and Friday things had calmed down so much. I at least thought that there are things I can learn here. I even thought this is a good job, there are even things I like when I can just get in and get them done.
Yesterday was the most calm Monday I've had in months. We didn't get nearly as many orders (less than 300 compared to around 500). I didn't have to help answer phones. There was no snow. Things just went really smoothly. Again I thought I have things to learn here and maybe I can just hang on.

It's so easy to resist change. So easy to think you could if just the smallest thing was different, but since it's not, you'll just keep going. It's so easy to think one day, some day, when this or that... then I'll do what I really want to do.

BennyK and I have had conversations about seeing your life like the beginning of a t.v. sitcom. The music plays and you get snapshots of whatever the character is doing. Going to school is fun when you see one picture of a social scene, studying, etc. You don't see all the homework, the stress, the drama. It's fun to think when you're a kid that when you grow up you'll be class president or head cheerleader. But really, when you get there, is it even you? Do you want to do all that it takes to be that? And it's not always a lack of motivation, it can truly be a realization that this is not something I want no matter how much I think it is.

I read a book once that said what we often label as laziness is really just a lack of motivation and just not wanting to. The trick is finding what motivates you and what you really want.

Today I was thinking that I'd just skip lunch, eat a bit at my desk and not really take the break. I also thought that this is not good for me and I need to eat healthier. Immediately and almsot without even recognizing them, thoughts popped up like, well, yeah when I have a different job or things change or ... I wasn't even sure what excuses were there. I actually stopped myself and said, but this IS the job I have and what about today and tomorrow and the next day? I'm not talking about months or years down the line or even next week.
So many things in life get put off for the same excuses.

The hard question then becomes, what is the ideal life I want to be living and how do I get as close to that as possible right now, today, in my given situation?

And I guess my point in this blog is that I've recently found myself deciding to NOT change so much and it feels like I can breathe again.
I've been wanting to do something with my hair since my honeymoon almost a year ago. I've been trying to visualize it for a year! I need something more polished at the office, I want to look more stylish and prettier, blah blah blah. A few times I've even decided I was going to change it and when it doesn't happen for whatever reason, I'm glad. Within a few days I think, but there are reasons my hair is the way it is whether it looks it's best or not. In other words, this is how I want it right now. No change needed.
When I got my job, it was a good little job to get me back on track financially and be low stress while I got married and took some big next steps. Things have grown and changed with it a lot in the year and a half I've been here. Once I felt somewhat settled into marriage, I started wondering what's next? What did I go to college for? What am I doing with my life and career? What do I want to be doing five years from now? Well, just for today, I feel like but this IS my job. I'm here and I don't need to change- for a while anyway. Learn what I can here and when I have a baby or something like that, then I'll decide what's next. In other words, no change needed. (Wanted is not something I'm willing to commit to at the moment).
I was thinking about food and diet as I mentioned. Mom came onto messenger and we chatted for a bit about that kind of stuff. We need to change. I need to budget and eat healthier and learn to cook. There is a lot of want in that. But still, somehow in the middle of our conversation, I started looking at what I was doing right and working from that rather than throwing it all out the window and thinking I don't know anything. Hm. No (or little) change needed.

Dust in the Wind

Jeff has a favorite t.v. show on DVD we've been watching. It's a good story, but mostly I like the characters and how they interact. The leading lady is an artist and they own an antique store. She is refined and pretty and in a few episodes someone says something about her expensive clothes (which I point out to say that she dresses stylishly, but also modestly and conservatively). She is polite and polished but in no way arrogant or cold. She is sweet and smiles a lot and very warm. I would guess she's in her late thirties, maybe even into her forties.
Monday, I was thinking of this character all day and decided to make her a hero/role model. There aren't many of those out there (although I love the show Friends and find the characters charming, there is something lacking there- a lot of loose morals and such. What else do we have? ... I never watch Sex and the City or Desparate Housewives, but in magazines and such, those characters seem be touted as something wonderful).

When I got home from work Monday, I had a fashion magazine in the mail. My sister somehow got a free subscription and gave it to me. It's a lot of fun. I realized one day that when I go to the store in need of new face cleanser or make-up, I don't know what to look for because I don't read magazines much anymore! And, I am a girl and I do enjoy pretty shoes and such. Sadly, as I looked through the magazine, this lack of role models seemed so LOUD (that's a good word for it right?). I have been surprised lately how young models look in catalogs and magazines. I must be getting old, but I really don't think my reaction is one of feeling old and unattractive. I'm just shocked that as a society, we really do sexualize youth and we tell ourselves this is what a man wants and, therefore, what a woman wants to be. I think one thing I like about the character in the show is that she is a woman. She is a grown up. She's not sleeping around, dressing funky and experiencing an identity crises or having to assert herself. She simply IS and that is such an attractive thing!

Well, Monday night we watched another episode of the show. And guess what!? SHE DIED! I suppose I can see the need for it to happen for the story etc. But, I was so sad I couldn't stand it. I was sad because I was caught up in the story and the characters and I cried (I SO rarely cry at movies and t.v. shows). It was really emotional. But I was also so sad because I felt like "see, there is no room for that in the world." My hero died because society doesn't want people like that. Where does that leave me?

(P.S. This is not as hopeless as I'm leaving it. It's more of a "fine world. Just wait! I am so wonderful, it will take your breath away and I'm going to show that... or, you may not even notice because you are too dumb, but I'll know.)

I'd do it Again

Our one year anniversary is coming up in just over a month. In a way, the time has flown by and I'm saying "a year already?" But when I think about things in the beginning, when we were dating (almost two years ago!), they seem like forever ago. I feel like I've known this person forever. I like him a lot. He's really sweet and very cute :)

Jeff and I have both scheduled time off of work, giving us a nice 5 day weekend! - our anniversary being on a Monday. We have also made arrangements to stay at the very posh Little America hotel downtown for just one night (it's a bit pricey). This probably isn't the most pratical way to spend money, but after making the reservation and deciding that we would do it, I was so excited! It feels like not the most practical but perhaps the best way to spend some extra money I earned around Christmas time.

I think it's important to do fun things. I think it's important to celebrate things like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, accomplishments, etc. I've been raised (sure, I'll blame the folks- well, one of them at least) to be very practical and responsible. I think it's part of my own nature as well. It's been a good thing. I've always (almost) made good choices and accomplished some things I might not have had I been more care free. But it's also been a bad thing. It's like I don't think I deserve the fun things, the frivolity (perhaps I should try to use that word in every post from now on!). This seriousness and inability to be... well, relaxed about much of anything, takes it's toll, even on my relationship with Jeff and our marriage- the one thing I value more than anything in my life. It's hard even to love or be loved when everything comes with such rigidity.

Well, this was supposed to be a happy post not about all my psychological hangups! And that's my point. I feel very happy and excited that my hubby and I are taking the time and even some hard earned money to do something fun to celebrate us! I can't wait and I'm going to relish that 21 hours in a hotel room for everything it's worth. It's already doing me a world of good!

Super Tuesday

My ninth grade geography/U.S. government teacher was the cheerleading coach. I respect cheerleading as a sport and our school even went to the national championship thing two or three times while I was in high school and won 1st or 3rd or pretty high place once. However, I remember my freshman year, my teacher repeatedly stopping class to discuss markers, posters, and fund raisers with that year's head cheerleader. I don't suppose we, the students, cared much. But now??? I know NOTHING of politics, government, etc. The most I learned of it was my junior year when my sweet old physics teacher let us watch the presidential debates in class!

So, what was super Tuesday? I thought it had something to do with the Super Bowl (just kidding, but for all I know, it could have!). I know they had primary elections. I thought it was to decide for sure who's running for president. But, trying to read about it? Trying to inform and educate myself? I was going to say, the best I could find was what Hillary thinks of Obama or Romney thinks of himself, but I don't think I even got that much information! I have been able to read quite a bit about Romney's personal life, which I DO think is important in politics, but not really anything about the issues and where he stands and what he's going to do. And finding out who "won" on Wednesday? There seemed to be even less!

Speaking of issues, do I even know what the President does? I could probably list the five or so positions he/she holds- like Commander in Chief, etc. But what I DO remember learning in government class made me think that the president, while having all these responsibilities, can't really DO anything. The senate has to pass any legislation. The courts decide if it's fair. That whole checks and balances thing made me think the president couldn't really do much more than make suggestions. But, that hardly seems true.

As for issues, what about the war? I try to read up on that too and I can't follow anything. Perhaps I'm not as smart and educated as I like to think. But really! So much of what I read, I don't even know if it's true or not. The only thing I do understand is that if I'm a woman, I'm supposed to vote for Hillary, if I'm black for Obama, and if Mormon for Mitt. But what if I were a black woman or I am a Mormon woman? What then! And I read that if you registered... wait, how'd it go? If you registered as a Democrat you could vote for anyone, but if you registered as a Republican, you could only vote Republican? Or you could only vote Republican if you registered as one? I don't know! It's all so confusing.

The thing is, I do think I'm a smart person. So, of all these people voting, does anyone really know anything? That's scary.

FEAR

When I physically get up high, logically I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to suddenly lunge over the railing and fall the one or two stories to my painful death in the mall (or something similar). It's not really a brain reaction. It's not something going on in my mind. But physically, I FEEL myself falling. I FEEL dizzy and weak in the knees. My mind can set up barriers to protect me- a pattern on the floor, a bench between me and the ledge- as long as I don't cross these, I'll be safe.


I'm a high stress, anxiety ridden person. Sometimes, I think it's not in my mind. I FEEL myself failing. I FEEL dizzy and weak. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't set up protective barriers quite so easily for this. I don't know that I'm not going to fall to my death. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I will. There are no benches or patterns to protect me. Sure, I try some things- a good attitude, exercise, breathing... but it goes too far and doesn't help. I avoid people. I don't let them close to me. I apologize profusely. I'm mean to myself as if recognizing my own flaws first will prevent anyone else from seeing them or being too mean about them.

Because it seems like it's all in my head, it seems like I should be able to control it. But recognizing that it's more physical than mental, emotional, or spiritual, somehow helps.