Breathing

Yesterday someone told me about a guy she'd met who was 32 and in a wheel chair. I'm not sure the extent of his condition, but he was injured in a snow boarding accident a few years ago. The doctors told him he wouldn't live to see 30. He figures he only has a few years left.

I can't imagine being in a situation like that. I know it sounds cliche, but what would I do if I only had a few years left to live? I have before found direction when thinking of looking back on my life- what will I wish I had done?- rather than trying to figure out what I want to do.

To me, it's not a care free feeling. I know some people would think of throwing caution to the wind because what do you have to lose? But for me it's a different sort of caution that gets lifted. It's more like an urgency to do the things I've dreamed of but haven't done yet. And in that way, my fears are dissipated because the want out weighs them. I guess it puts things in perspective.

I tend to look a lot at the future; so much so, I have a hard time being happy because even if I'm content in the now, I know I want things to be different later. I worry so much about how to get from here to there, I don't relax and enjoy where I'm at.

I've been feeling a lot of that lately. I'm newly married, we love our new apartment, we both have jobs we're happy with. Aah, a chance to catch my breath? Not for this worry wart! But what about... and what if...?! And a year or two from now? I want things to not be the same. It's not that now is bad, it's just not permanent. And for me, that means, "well let's get on with it then!"

Another problem I have is whenever anyone else is involved, I sit back and wait for them to tell me what to do. I'm not going to jump in and be the leader. In my marriage this means I wait for him to decide things. It's not like I don't talk or say what I want or we don't communicate. It's more like... instead of me saying this is what I want and this is what we're going to do or even this is what has to be done, I wait for it to be his idea or something. It's not the relationship- it's my personality. The way I've been trained or something. What's even worse is that it goes deep inside myself. I'm so busy waiting for the other person to tell me what's going on, I don't even tell myself what I want!

I really felt, a year ago, that I had come so far and I was going to be great in a relationship. But here I am, my same old self, and I suck at it!

Perhaps the problem with my job is that I just don't fit in. Business setting, newspapers- I really don't care that much about it. It's a good job, low key- what I wanted was just something I could go to and not make my life and just do my thing without dealing much with other people everyday. That's what I've got. But maybe it's too safe that way, and too much of a stretch in the other- being professional and business like etc. In a way, I feel stupid all the time, like I'll never get it all straight because there's so much people don't tell me. On the other side, I feel like it's too easy and I'm not doing enough. It's one of those things that's fine and good for now, but five years from now? I want to be somewhere different, so I get anxious.

Yesterday was a dumb day at work. Just dumb little things that made me feel stupid and unsure of myself. In my logical mind, I know everybody has bad days and makes mistakes and has to ask questions etc. But emotionally? I'm all a wreck. I can't tell you how flustered and down on myself I was feeling by the time I left. But the point is, at one point, I felt so fed up with the way I was reacting. I just screamed inside myself "I'M TIRED OF FEELING STUPID!" Not like a pity myself way, but in a I don't have to put up with this way. All this junk, it's all inside of me. Just like they've said all along- you have to change yourself, no one can MAKE you feel anything, etc etc etc.

Dumb example. On the t.v. show Scrubs, Elliot was called Dr. Barbie and people kept telling her, as they're taking advantage of it, what a push over she was. She didn't stick up for herself, she didn't assert herself- to the point that she wasn't doing as well in her work as she was smart enough to do. Finally the janitor told her something like " time spent wishing is just time spent not doing it." She takes it to heart, goes out and chops off her hair into some edgy, kinda rebellious style, puts on all this make-up and comes back to work the next day and starts telling people off and sticking up for herself. She really was no less sweet, no more capable; it was just her attitude. She made the change and let everyone else deal with it.

It looked so easy, but every day since, I've been wishing for a moment like that. For a few days it helped. Sometimes the hardest thing about changing is the change; people expect me to be one way and if I was different, they wouldn't know how to respond and I'd feel stupid. For a few days I was able to not care. That's the point of changing! I don't care what you all think. But then life goes on and you get back to the same self you've always been. I don't know how to be any different than who I am, even if I feel like what's on the outside isn't really what's on the inside.

It's sad that so much of my life has been spent feeling like I"m a different person on the outside than who I am on the inside. I had it all together, I just need to get a grip on it again. Big changes, just adjusting. What I need is a five, ten, twenty year plan- to see my life stretched out rather than restricted to today at work and what's for dinner etc. I just need to breathe...

Great News!

I just saw an ad on MSNBC for a vaccine that would allow me to avoid getting the strain of some virus known to cause cervical cancer AND it prevents genital warts! Isn't that great! Because these things are sexually transmitted, I can sleep with whoever I want and not worry.

Give me a break!

I actually read an article about this vaccine a while back. Some states or people want to make it a mandatory vaccine for all girls of a certain age- like other vaccines are required for public schools. A lot of "conservative" groups and parents are quite against it. They are concerened that giving it to girls is like a free pass to have sex. I thought that was a bit silly because it's not like it protects against a lot of other stuff.

But, when I saw this ad, I just cringed. I wish I was savvy enough to link it or something here. It had these big words, something like "now I can be something I never thought I could be before- free from the chance of getting (whatever) disease known to cause cervical cancer and genital warts." Yikes. It just scares me. What is the world coming to that THAT is a great relief, a main concern? I mean, I understand the fight against cancer and, as some woman argued in the mentioned article, that even if her daughter is completely safe and waits for marriage, there are things out there, a chance that her husband has had another partner, and it does only take one, etc. But really, it's a sexually transmitted disease and they are touting it like they are going to save the world!? How about some morals? Some prudence? Some common sense?

Perhaps, I've misunderstood.

The Smell of Soap

Yesterday I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandmother Dorothy. It was a fresh, soapy smell, but a bit softer, almost powdery- very clean with just a touch of femininity about it. I hoped it was my own soap.

Because of the things on my mind at the time, I started thinking of what a brave woman she was. She married a widower who died not too long after they were married and raised his son as well as their two all on her own. I wondered how she had made the decisions she had- to be the second wife, to be the step mom, when and if to go to the temple, how to raise her boys.

I kind of felt like I was suddenly aware of the sacrifices she had made, that maybe life didn't give her things the way she wanted them, the way we all seem to hope for them (I don't actually know how she felt about any of it). Sometimes we think that life is all about choices, but sometimes, maybe, it's about dealing with what you were given. And she suddenly seemed very brave and I wished I knew her better.

Sad story

I talked to a friend I haven't talked to in a while last night. We've known each other since we were in 7th grade and there are a few of us left that are still in contact. She's having all kinds of trouble with her kids and ex-husband. She also told me of another friend from high school who finally got divorced. It had always sounded like she was in an abusive relationship; I don't know if it was physical or not, but he treated her pretty badly.

There was kind of a core group of five of us when we started high school. "The group" ebbed and flowed from there, but those five still have at least some sort of contact (one is kind of gone, but I did get a baby announcement from her about a year ago). Of those five, three are divorced with kids and these crazy ex-husbands.

Both my older siblings got divorced last year.

I used to look at things like this and try to figure out what went wrong. Why do these things happen? How can I avoid it? And, truth be told, there are some things that you can look at and say it was bad judgement or immaturity or something. But some of it, I just can't see it. Things happen TO people. And it's sad. And it's scary to know it's out there.

Don't listen to the dumbs

If you can't change what you are feeling,
change what you are thinking about.
If you don't like what you see,
change the way you're looking at it.
Jeff

Emotions are weird things. So tangible, so real, so out of control, but not always very valid.

I remember thinking I was in love with someone once and waking up the next day SO free- because it didn't matter. This huge emotion we think controls lives and definitely does change lives, didn't matter. It didn't make it right or possible or, once the fog cleared, even very desirable.

I wonder if bad emotions cah work the same way. I've been struggling lately with self esteem issues. By Sunday morning, I was a wreck. Couldn't I be freed of that? Couldn't THOSE emotions not matter?

I realized the other day that I didn't lose myself recently- quite the opposite! I have found myself lately- at least another piece of the puzzle anyway. And she is just aching to get out, excited to be in this new life. But another part of me is feeling threatened by change, even if it is good change. She's the one, or the side of me, that stresses and worries and tries to control everything. She's trying to keep the new one from coming out. THAT's where this conflict is coming from. I'm not lost at all.

Jeff told me today that I'm fired from feeling stressed out. I can no longer stress out about anything ever. I might just take him up on that. It feels good.

Maybe I could live like I don't care about all those dumb things out there- because I don't! Don't listen to the dumbs!

I don't have anyone left in my life that I'm trying to impress or please or whatever- except for on incredible guy who seems to keep loving me no matter what...

I love myself - even the outside

I wish I were a writer and had words to express and explain all the thoughts, feelings, opinions that go through me. Then I'd write a fashion magazine and tell all the girls how to think and feel about themselves, how they look and who they are.

I've found a few good books and articles lately about self esteem issues. But one thought I've discovered- in myself, by the way- is that all of these self help books etc talk about loving yourself for what's on the inside. That's great, right? Of course it is! But that's not the problem. I know I'm sweet and smart and spiritual and aye okay on the inside. It's the outside that hurts. By telling me to love myself for more than the outside, in a way, you're telling me to just accept that I'm fat and ugly and love myself IN SPITE OF what's on the outside.

Well! How about this!? How about telling me to love the outside too!? How about teaching girls what's good about themselves and how to love and accept what's not so good? How about I say I love myself, EVEN THE OUTSIDE! How about listing all the body parts that we condemn with exercise, diets, and make-up and see what's good about them? What if! I could look at myself and admit to liking the curves and even the rolls of my body? What if I thought my eyes were pretty, even without bringing them out with make-up? What if I didn't hate my hair?

I completely believe that girls should play sports and be involved in academics and music and whatever else they like or are interested in. I believe in teaching our children that people are what's on the inside and somehow showing them that outer beauty isn't everything. But let's take it further! We should teach them different standards of beauty- show them what a beautiful woman looks like at church or in the neighborhood or in the family, not in a magazine or on television. We should show them the beauty, even the outer beauty, that is them!

Last night I took a walk in my new neighborhood. It wasn't the first. I am so surpised to find out what a pretty little neighborhood we now live in. When I walk, I don't care how my hair looks or what I"m wearing. I avoid people because it's not about them; it's MY time and MY thoughts and even MY breath that matter. I found a pretty walk way not far at all from our apartment. There were trees and a pond and ducks and I felt alive! A short walk does wonders for my thoughts! I went home and made dinner, which I ate by myself because my hubby was still sleeping, and read books etc. When he got up, we sat in his game room and talked and played games etc. The way I was sitting, I glanced over (not looked, just caught my eye) and could see myself in the mirror in the hallway. I was so surprised to see I'm pretty!

I'm pretty! My hair was pulled up but loosely falling down. I had washed the make-up off my face. I was wearing comfortable pajama/walking clothes. And I was pretty. Not pretty like the hot girls, all primped to perfection. Not pretty clothes or pretty hair or pretty attitude. Just me. Sitting there with him. The shape of my face was pretty. My smile was natural and cute. My hair was soft and a nice color. I was happy. I was comfortable. I am in love.

That's what pretty is!

The last few days I've been taking a good look at myself as I stand naked before I get in the shower. I look at the mirror and try to see myself. Not judge, not "suck it in" or hold it up. Just look. And you know what I've found? That's pretty too. I roll, I curve, I hang. I have odd colors and irritations. But it's not ugly. It's just me!

I wrote a blog the other day I didn't post. I went on and on and on. It was so therapeutic! I came to some conclusions. I expressed but didn't work out some concerns. I just kept talking and thinking. It was so good for me. Some things lingered and still bothered me, but at least they were there and I was honest about them.

I don't know how to keep it going. How to not feel ugly or like it's all taken away the next time I see someone who is... well, just pretty in a different way than I am. I don't know how to assert myself and hold tight to my convictions. I don't know how to not be intimidated by "hot girls," even if it's not the look I want. I don't know how to not feel afraid that my husband is going to find someone else more attractive or one day leave me for someone who is more... pretty, skinny, whatever. I don't know how to keep telling myself, and keep believing it, that I am pretty. That I am good enough to love. Without falling into "their" way of being or showing it.

It makes me want to start a rebellion- to do something ugly even, just to scream at the world that I don't buy what they're selling anymore! Shave my head and wear combat boots... But that's not it either. The most revolutionary thing I can do is simply, perhaps even quietly, BE.

Be me. Let my light shine. Do things my way.