Where's Waldo?

My husband and I moved to a new apartment last weekend. I LOVE it! It feels big and sunny and like home. Saturday morning we went and "checked in" and before we even had any stuff with us- we were just walking around checking everything out- we both said it felt like home. We had planned on living in his little apartment for awhile- it was affordable and would work for the two of us- but about two weeks before the wedding we decided we needed something that was OURS and not HIS. It all kinda happened in the last week. I've been very busy and am really tired, but very happy for our decision. As for money? Who knows. People tell me to go on faith and that seems to work the best.

To bear (or is it bare? I really don't know!) my testimony of faith and prayers, I recently applied for a debt consolidation loan with my bank. I was turned down because I have too many payment obligations. Um... isn't that what a consolidation loan is for? I kinda freaked out and got very frustrated at this. I don't know why it hit me so hard. I guess it felt like it would help so much and not getting it felt like it took away all my dreams. Yes, I tend to over react to things. (How do you stop that by the way?) Well, I prayed and prayed and prayed. At one point I said please just give me some kind of little miracle to help me out here... oh wait, don't let anybody die so that I inherit a million dollars or anything. So, last week Jeff opened a new bank account at a credit union. Friday we went to put me on the accounts. As we talked to the girl, without saying anything ourselves, she looked at our credit and said, gee you have a car you're about to pay off and all these little payments; do you want to look at a consolidation loan? I really felt like it was an answer to my prayer. So, yes, go forward with faith.

Onto other, even more exciting, topics... let's talk about me! :)

The other day I wore a new outfit that I thought was cute and COULD be my style. I kind of wore it trying to be cute for my hubby. Perhaps that sounds silly, but yes it was for him more than for me. I felt a bit self concious, but I thought it could work. He did tell me it was cute. I kind of felt like he said that just because he "had to" but he doesn't really do things like that. He's kind of a tell it like it is guy (sometimes that's good, sometimes it's hard) so I don't think he'd say it if he didn't think it. But then he said it didn't seem like me. I thought it could be, but it just didn't feel... comfortable. So I changed and will probably not wear it again.

I blogged before about the Smallville episode in which Chloe was under a love spell and doing things to "get" Clark that just weren't her. I was reminded of that episode with this situation. It helps because, as I said before, Chloe is cute and adorable and she doesn't have to be those other things. She is cute in her character. I need to be cute in my character. The thing I struggle with is, even though my hubby tells it like it is and insists that I'm "good enough," I often have a hard time feeling it. I WANT to wear the outfit because I think he's "supposed to" like it. And when he doesn't, it doesn't feel like he doesn't like "that look," it feels like I don't fit that look and I kinda wish I could for him. Does that make any sense? Clark likes the cheerleader, soft, sexy girl and so that's what Chloe tried to be. Chloe is so much cuter just being herself, but she tried to be what Clark would like. I see girls all the time- out and about or on t.v.- that I think are what my husband is "supposed to" like and I feel like I want to be like that for him. Somehow in my head it doesn't matter that I'm cuter as myself or that he chose ME and not someone different. You would think that being with the love of your life would give you self esteem but I just keep struggling.

I guess what I'm trying to say is will someone please help me to embrace my Chloe cuteness... my JoAnna cuteness... so I can quit trying to be something I'm not which isn't what he wants anyway and I can't pull it off if he did! When we met, I was a teacher- it was my element and I felt so confident. I had to put on a confident air, but somehow it wasn't faking it at all. I was comfortable and putting my best self forward. I had cute, what he calls "hippie" clothes and knew my style and felt smart and I suppose in some way I had no one to compete with. It was like that a lot in college. There weren't many girls in math world and I could just kinda be whoever I was and I was cute and people liked me and I even, once or twice, heard guys commenting on the "cute blonde." But I'd go to the other side of campus and feel totally out of my element. Girls there were... different. They had a polished, stylish look. They had a different social air. I didn't like it and often made fun of it, but the thing is, I"M the one that's different so I feel out of place. And what's happened now is that my life's gone to the other side of campus. I like to think... I hope and believe... that the reason my husband "picked" me is because I am different than all those girls. I think when he says he's glad I don't look like a supermodel, THAT is what he means. But sometimes it just feels like all I hear is that I don't look like a supermodel. And it doesn't matter how much I don't want to or he says he doesn't want me to, I feel like I should for him. I feel like he would love me more if I did. That he'd be happier.

I HATE my way of thinking. Instead letting myself feel happy and excited, I tend to feel the stress and anxiety. It's not a fun way to be, it's not what people want to be around, but I feel like I can't help it. As much as I want to be the strong girl, the woman who could set an example for others by being the best version of her own self and showing true beauty, I can't help comparing myself to all the others and feeling out of place. The other day, Jeff told me I had a beautiful aura. How much better could it be!? Why is it so hard then for me to accept that and live that?

This is just another blog just like all the rest just like all my journal entries since I was twelve of how do I better myself? And how do I get some self esteem? I'm tired. I don't want to think this way. I say (type) these things and feel like I annoy everyone I ever talk to by this feeling I can't get over. And yet, I'm just asking for help. Can't someone help me!? Can't someone fix this for me?

No. I have to do it myself. I suppose all I can do is just stop it. Just knock it off. If only that would work...

I feel out of touch with myself. I work at a job I like and feel comfortable with. The stress level is tolerable and the money is liveable. I like the people I work with and the work is interesting enough. But sometimes I don't feel like I"m really giving of myself. I'm not using my education. I'm not using my talents. What I wear is never polished and "business-like" enough. My hair is still unruly but I've been taming it lately and it doesn't feel good. I don't feel like myself. I just hope to not have to deal with too many people or anything out of the ordinary. I want to just blend into the neutral green walls.

I went to Hawaii and found out I'm not a cute beach girl. I'm a Utah girl. I eat beef. I wear one-piece swimming suits and sunblock. I put on my new cute swimming suit and I looked good. I had so much fun swimming around the hotel pool with my husband. We even bought snorkeling gear and I felt fine wearing my mask and looking like a dork. But then we went scuba diving and of course, there's that one girl in her bikini getting certified to scuba parading around in front of my husband. So then, I'm not cute, I'm squeezing my fat self into my skin tight wet suit (the scuba kind- you know what I'm talking about?), getting an earache and sea sick WISHING I could be the girl in the bikini EVEN THOUGH I think it's wrong of girls to parade around like that in front of my husband, brothers, nephews, fathers etc. and my husband has told me he prefers modesty AND the girl has no boobs so what's there to be jealous of anyway???? (I wonder what her husband thinks? Ooh, I have the hot wife? Or gee, everyone is looking at my wife?)...

I have certain ideas about what I want to be and who I am, especially as I become a wife and think about being a mother. In a way, sometimes it's hard for me to put together who I think I am and want to be with who I think I should be. That goes one way. I used to look at people, especially at church I'm sorry to say, and think that's NOT what I want to be! Prim and proper I guess is the best way to describe it. I want to be more laid back and it's okay to laugh when my nephew tries throwing his candy into his mouth and hits himself in the eye- even if it is at church. Then there's the other side, when I see myself as a bit prim and proper and polished. The motherly, house wife type. And then we get around people that make me feel like that's being so dorky, so unrealistic, so out of touch.

That's the problem/solution. I just can't be around other people. Fortunately for me, my husband and I both love the idea of moving to some small town and being hermits! Unfortunately, that's probably unrealistic. And, it's rather weak of me to not be able to just be myself when other people are around.

Other people! Geez! Do you know... well, moving this weekend. My step mother in law is a bit of a take charge, give "motherly" advice type. Sometimes it's annoying, but I don't have too hard a time just letting it go past me. She came over Saturday with Jeff's dad to help us move. Jeff's mom and brother came over Sunday to help finish up. It's my stuff, my house, I'm the wife/queen of the castle. I'm very organized and good at packing and planning etc. But as soon as anyone else walks in, my brain shuts off. THEY get to be in charge and know better and blah blah blah. I FORGOT TO PACK THE FREAKIN SILVERWARE because I got so "nervous" having people around. Jeff ate his burrito last night with a spatula and I had to drink my bowl of cereal this morning.

If you've read this far, thanks for sticking with me. I'm sorry I'm so scattered... but that's just it. It's all the same thing. From outfits and hair to silverware and job choices and mothers in law. WHERE IS JOANNA???

So when I ask for help, I'm not asking for compliments or to tell me that I'm fine. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. A make-over? A listening ear? I keep wanting to cut my hair. I keep feeling inclined for one of my short, cute hair do's. But I'm not convinced it's because I want short hair or that I'm done having long hair. It might be more of a searching for myself... searching for something...

There are these make-over shows on cable where the person has like two friends or family members and a professional style person basically rip apart their whole look. They throw away their clothes and tell them what's emotionally wrong with them that they've let themselves go. Then each person gets to go out and pick out three outfits, a hairstyle, and make-up collection. The picked on person gets to choose one person's stuff, without knowing who picked it. They have to choose a whole collection- not bits and pieces. The three outfits of one person, the hair and the make-up. It usually has a good outcome. The person, although hard to face, just needs help pulling their best self out. Sometimes I want someone to do that for me. Just help me be a better version of myself. Like I think if I could get the outside to show it, I'd feel and be better on the inside.

But sometimes I feel bad for the person. They take a cute, unique person and change her into just another one of the many. They tame wild hair and put on clothes that are "in" and high heeled shoes on everybody. Do they consider the inner person? And why do we put so much emphasis on the outside?

In junior high, I remember feeling like I was good at fitting in. Not following the crowd, but getting along with different types of people. I've since wondered if I was just good at blending or being invisible. Maybe I do that too much. I used to think I had different sides of myself and it was appropriate to show different sides in different situations. I knew how to have fun when I was out with friends, I knew how to take seriously and be reverent about things at church etc. If I was around people who were dumber than I was, I knew how to talk to them so they were comfortable. If I was around people who had no respect for special and sacred things, I knew how to act without being condescending and judgemental or casting my pearls before the swine, in a sense. If I was around smart people, I could hold up my end of the conversation. Etc etc etc. But I wonder if I was ever just JoAnna?

That's what I need help with. Identifying her. The real me. One time Kiki showed me an outfit she could see me wearing that NO ONE else would EVER pick out for me. She explained what she could sense in me. No one else has ever done that or seen that. I've never been able to show that side. When my husband first fell in love with me and I asked him how he knew or what he loved, he said my heart. He says I have a beautiful aura. Things he has told me he'd change about me, are things I want to change about me. He helps me free a side of myself it's never been safe to be before. I used to go driving with Benny or we'd play Tetris in the basement and sing Tom Petty songs at the top of our lungs. I've never felt so free and relaxed with myself as I did around him. How do I get a hold of these things? How do I make myself safe enough to let these things out? How do I not lose it when I'm around other people? I can sometimes sense myself out there... waiting to be discovered. But I can't quite get a hold of it and feel like I lose it so easily.......