Before I got married, people asked if I was nervous. I assumed they meant emotionally. Of course I was concerned that everything would go smoothly- the flowers, the cake, the dress, etc- but those are just things. The thing to be nervous about would be the committment and the emotions etc. I wasn't nervous about that because I felt like I'd already made that decision. And, as they say, when you know, you know.

The night of our wedding, we walked around our hotel and across the street to a gas station to get drinks. We both kept saying how much better everything felt being married. Just holding his hand felt SO good. And the week we were on our honeymoon, it was just an adventure (see previous blog :)

Getting home, things feel weird. On the one hand, it's back to life as normal- work, doing dishes, the laundry is piling up. It's like I have to remind myself I'm married and get used to calling him my husband, because life is the same as it was. On the other hand, I feel so anxious- "what comes next!? and how do you prepare for it?" and things come up that I know we talked about before, but it's like we're deciding all over again. I feel very overwhelmed and NOTHING will be the same again. Now I feel nervous.

It's fun to talk about, for real now, when to have kids and getting a bigger apartment and where our jobs and lives are headed. I just wish I could feel the excitement rather than the anxiety. Mumsy always tells me to relabel it and I remember that more often than she knows and it helps. But sometimes- a lot of times- I tell her there is a difference. Excitement feels fun and happy and I want to be doing something. Nervousness feels yucky and painful and I want to hide under the bed. I feel bad that I feel that way about my new life.

I do feel the excitement too though. Dad has asked me, on several life changing occassions, "if you could do anything, money was no object, what would you do with your life?" The trick is to answer before you think and edit too much. If I didn't have to worry about money, I probably wouldn't be working at a newspaper. I would probably have kept working at the college, teaching the few classes they had available for me. I would have a bigger, nicer apartment with my new hubby. I would have a baby sooner rather than later. He could keep working as a security job at a company he likes forever, or, when he was ready for it, pursue other careers he's interested in in Criminal Justice- there wouldn't be the pressure and anxiety of "right now!" I would probably eat healthier because I wouldn't be trying to shop on such a budget and I wouldn't have the excuse of not affording it so I might even get myself to Jazzercise (there is that whole time thing too).

The point of the exercise is to show you what really matters to you and what you really want to be doing. It also, usually, points out that what you really want is actually quite attainable. The next question is supposed to be, "so do it." (Not really a question- more of a challenge).

So, I write this and feel so focused. I feel peaceful thinking of the way my life could go/be. But then there's that whole reality thing. The fact that the bigger, nicer apartment is just out of budget. The fact that my credit cards are a bit beyond my control because of some "emergencies" that came up in the last year. And I realize, most my fears and what prevents me from doing what I want, are based in money. I have worked so hard to live a life that wasn't worldly or materialistic that I'm sad beyond belief that I'm still stuck in the same boat of debt as everyone else in the world; all those people I judged so quickly as making dumb choices that I would never make. And here I am.

Perhaps that's a good thing to realize. Perhaps, despite all my planning and fretting, I've still ended up in a financial pickle. So, why try so hard? Why not focus elsewhere and live the life I want and not care that I can't pay off the credit cards etc? It seems like everybody else in the world lives and works and struggles to pay the bills. Why not just accept that I'm one of them, but be smart enough to do something to enjoy the process?

I guess the worst that could happen is we go bankrupt (right? I mean, they don't come and take you to jail or hang you in town square if you can't pay your bills?) and we're not close to that. But even that, so what? So we can't get any more credit for a while? That would be a good thing. We'd have to stop!

No, probably the worst thing that would happen is, I'd have to keep working and either put the kids in daycare and face the horrors of that or work a different schedule than my hubby and our relationship will fall apart. I'll keep working at a job that's okay but not fulfilling forever and he'll never get to pursue his dreams and work at a "I like it, but it's not quite it" job forever. Then we really will be like everyone else on the planet- unhappy and just getting by.

Hm. Not going to let that happen, so...

Why doesn't life have a map? Or at least the answers to the odd questions in the back of the book?