After my blogging and conversations with Mumsy and my hubby, I was feeling better the last day or two. I feel determined to not let "the world" bring me down and to assert my own identity.
Last night I happened across an article from 2003 of a talk President Hinckley gave at the Relief Society conference. He addressed the women of the church and went through several "groups" or phases that women find themselves in throughout their life time. I remember listening to that talk when he gave it and I printed it out so I'd have a copy of it; I even wrote myself a note on there so I would remember the experience of what I felt when I heard it.
Now, four years later, what I felt in that talk has come true. I read his kind words, his advice, and was reminded of my testimony that he is a prophet. I was also reminded of what I felt those years ago about who I am and what I'm doing. It was a real boost for my self esteem... but it goes deeper than the things I keep talking about. It helped me feel better not because I had the right appearance, but because it reminded me of my spirit, my soul, and my Father in Heaven.
My husband and I talked recently about the beauty that comes from within and how much better it is than anything on the outside. I felt determined in that conversation to cultivate my inner beauty. Somehow, let that shine through.
The other day I also went back over some old blogs- years ago, the same conversations with myself- but I found something I had written that really inspired me. Isn't that crazy!? I wrote about nature and the peace that comes from it's beauty and compared it to something like Las Vegas. What a difference!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Where's Waldo?
My husband and I moved to a new apartment last weekend. I LOVE it! It feels big and sunny and like home. Saturday morning we went and "checked in" and before we even had any stuff with us- we were just walking around checking everything out- we both said it felt like home. We had planned on living in his little apartment for awhile- it was affordable and would work for the two of us- but about two weeks before the wedding we decided we needed something that was OURS and not HIS. It all kinda happened in the last week. I've been very busy and am really tired, but very happy for our decision. As for money? Who knows. People tell me to go on faith and that seems to work the best.
To bear (or is it bare? I really don't know!) my testimony of faith and prayers, I recently applied for a debt consolidation loan with my bank. I was turned down because I have too many payment obligations. Um... isn't that what a consolidation loan is for? I kinda freaked out and got very frustrated at this. I don't know why it hit me so hard. I guess it felt like it would help so much and not getting it felt like it took away all my dreams. Yes, I tend to over react to things. (How do you stop that by the way?) Well, I prayed and prayed and prayed. At one point I said please just give me some kind of little miracle to help me out here... oh wait, don't let anybody die so that I inherit a million dollars or anything. So, last week Jeff opened a new bank account at a credit union. Friday we went to put me on the accounts. As we talked to the girl, without saying anything ourselves, she looked at our credit and said, gee you have a car you're about to pay off and all these little payments; do you want to look at a consolidation loan? I really felt like it was an answer to my prayer. So, yes, go forward with faith.
Onto other, even more exciting, topics... let's talk about me! :)
The other day I wore a new outfit that I thought was cute and COULD be my style. I kind of wore it trying to be cute for my hubby. Perhaps that sounds silly, but yes it was for him more than for me. I felt a bit self concious, but I thought it could work. He did tell me it was cute. I kind of felt like he said that just because he "had to" but he doesn't really do things like that. He's kind of a tell it like it is guy (sometimes that's good, sometimes it's hard) so I don't think he'd say it if he didn't think it. But then he said it didn't seem like me. I thought it could be, but it just didn't feel... comfortable. So I changed and will probably not wear it again.
I blogged before about the Smallville episode in which Chloe was under a love spell and doing things to "get" Clark that just weren't her. I was reminded of that episode with this situation. It helps because, as I said before, Chloe is cute and adorable and she doesn't have to be those other things. She is cute in her character. I need to be cute in my character. The thing I struggle with is, even though my hubby tells it like it is and insists that I'm "good enough," I often have a hard time feeling it. I WANT to wear the outfit because I think he's "supposed to" like it. And when he doesn't, it doesn't feel like he doesn't like "that look," it feels like I don't fit that look and I kinda wish I could for him. Does that make any sense? Clark likes the cheerleader, soft, sexy girl and so that's what Chloe tried to be. Chloe is so much cuter just being herself, but she tried to be what Clark would like. I see girls all the time- out and about or on t.v.- that I think are what my husband is "supposed to" like and I feel like I want to be like that for him. Somehow in my head it doesn't matter that I'm cuter as myself or that he chose ME and not someone different. You would think that being with the love of your life would give you self esteem but I just keep struggling.
I guess what I'm trying to say is will someone please help me to embrace my Chloe cuteness... my JoAnna cuteness... so I can quit trying to be something I'm not which isn't what he wants anyway and I can't pull it off if he did! When we met, I was a teacher- it was my element and I felt so confident. I had to put on a confident air, but somehow it wasn't faking it at all. I was comfortable and putting my best self forward. I had cute, what he calls "hippie" clothes and knew my style and felt smart and I suppose in some way I had no one to compete with. It was like that a lot in college. There weren't many girls in math world and I could just kinda be whoever I was and I was cute and people liked me and I even, once or twice, heard guys commenting on the "cute blonde." But I'd go to the other side of campus and feel totally out of my element. Girls there were... different. They had a polished, stylish look. They had a different social air. I didn't like it and often made fun of it, but the thing is, I"M the one that's different so I feel out of place. And what's happened now is that my life's gone to the other side of campus. I like to think... I hope and believe... that the reason my husband "picked" me is because I am different than all those girls. I think when he says he's glad I don't look like a supermodel, THAT is what he means. But sometimes it just feels like all I hear is that I don't look like a supermodel. And it doesn't matter how much I don't want to or he says he doesn't want me to, I feel like I should for him. I feel like he would love me more if I did. That he'd be happier.
I HATE my way of thinking. Instead letting myself feel happy and excited, I tend to feel the stress and anxiety. It's not a fun way to be, it's not what people want to be around, but I feel like I can't help it. As much as I want to be the strong girl, the woman who could set an example for others by being the best version of her own self and showing true beauty, I can't help comparing myself to all the others and feeling out of place. The other day, Jeff told me I had a beautiful aura. How much better could it be!? Why is it so hard then for me to accept that and live that?
This is just another blog just like all the rest just like all my journal entries since I was twelve of how do I better myself? And how do I get some self esteem? I'm tired. I don't want to think this way. I say (type) these things and feel like I annoy everyone I ever talk to by this feeling I can't get over. And yet, I'm just asking for help. Can't someone help me!? Can't someone fix this for me?
No. I have to do it myself. I suppose all I can do is just stop it. Just knock it off. If only that would work...
I feel out of touch with myself. I work at a job I like and feel comfortable with. The stress level is tolerable and the money is liveable. I like the people I work with and the work is interesting enough. But sometimes I don't feel like I"m really giving of myself. I'm not using my education. I'm not using my talents. What I wear is never polished and "business-like" enough. My hair is still unruly but I've been taming it lately and it doesn't feel good. I don't feel like myself. I just hope to not have to deal with too many people or anything out of the ordinary. I want to just blend into the neutral green walls.
I went to Hawaii and found out I'm not a cute beach girl. I'm a Utah girl. I eat beef. I wear one-piece swimming suits and sunblock. I put on my new cute swimming suit and I looked good. I had so much fun swimming around the hotel pool with my husband. We even bought snorkeling gear and I felt fine wearing my mask and looking like a dork. But then we went scuba diving and of course, there's that one girl in her bikini getting certified to scuba parading around in front of my husband. So then, I'm not cute, I'm squeezing my fat self into my skin tight wet suit (the scuba kind- you know what I'm talking about?), getting an earache and sea sick WISHING I could be the girl in the bikini EVEN THOUGH I think it's wrong of girls to parade around like that in front of my husband, brothers, nephews, fathers etc. and my husband has told me he prefers modesty AND the girl has no boobs so what's there to be jealous of anyway???? (I wonder what her husband thinks? Ooh, I have the hot wife? Or gee, everyone is looking at my wife?)...
I have certain ideas about what I want to be and who I am, especially as I become a wife and think about being a mother. In a way, sometimes it's hard for me to put together who I think I am and want to be with who I think I should be. That goes one way. I used to look at people, especially at church I'm sorry to say, and think that's NOT what I want to be! Prim and proper I guess is the best way to describe it. I want to be more laid back and it's okay to laugh when my nephew tries throwing his candy into his mouth and hits himself in the eye- even if it is at church. Then there's the other side, when I see myself as a bit prim and proper and polished. The motherly, house wife type. And then we get around people that make me feel like that's being so dorky, so unrealistic, so out of touch.
That's the problem/solution. I just can't be around other people. Fortunately for me, my husband and I both love the idea of moving to some small town and being hermits! Unfortunately, that's probably unrealistic. And, it's rather weak of me to not be able to just be myself when other people are around.
Other people! Geez! Do you know... well, moving this weekend. My step mother in law is a bit of a take charge, give "motherly" advice type. Sometimes it's annoying, but I don't have too hard a time just letting it go past me. She came over Saturday with Jeff's dad to help us move. Jeff's mom and brother came over Sunday to help finish up. It's my stuff, my house, I'm the wife/queen of the castle. I'm very organized and good at packing and planning etc. But as soon as anyone else walks in, my brain shuts off. THEY get to be in charge and know better and blah blah blah. I FORGOT TO PACK THE FREAKIN SILVERWARE because I got so "nervous" having people around. Jeff ate his burrito last night with a spatula and I had to drink my bowl of cereal this morning.
If you've read this far, thanks for sticking with me. I'm sorry I'm so scattered... but that's just it. It's all the same thing. From outfits and hair to silverware and job choices and mothers in law. WHERE IS JOANNA???
So when I ask for help, I'm not asking for compliments or to tell me that I'm fine. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. A make-over? A listening ear? I keep wanting to cut my hair. I keep feeling inclined for one of my short, cute hair do's. But I'm not convinced it's because I want short hair or that I'm done having long hair. It might be more of a searching for myself... searching for something...
There are these make-over shows on cable where the person has like two friends or family members and a professional style person basically rip apart their whole look. They throw away their clothes and tell them what's emotionally wrong with them that they've let themselves go. Then each person gets to go out and pick out three outfits, a hairstyle, and make-up collection. The picked on person gets to choose one person's stuff, without knowing who picked it. They have to choose a whole collection- not bits and pieces. The three outfits of one person, the hair and the make-up. It usually has a good outcome. The person, although hard to face, just needs help pulling their best self out. Sometimes I want someone to do that for me. Just help me be a better version of myself. Like I think if I could get the outside to show it, I'd feel and be better on the inside.
But sometimes I feel bad for the person. They take a cute, unique person and change her into just another one of the many. They tame wild hair and put on clothes that are "in" and high heeled shoes on everybody. Do they consider the inner person? And why do we put so much emphasis on the outside?
In junior high, I remember feeling like I was good at fitting in. Not following the crowd, but getting along with different types of people. I've since wondered if I was just good at blending or being invisible. Maybe I do that too much. I used to think I had different sides of myself and it was appropriate to show different sides in different situations. I knew how to have fun when I was out with friends, I knew how to take seriously and be reverent about things at church etc. If I was around people who were dumber than I was, I knew how to talk to them so they were comfortable. If I was around people who had no respect for special and sacred things, I knew how to act without being condescending and judgemental or casting my pearls before the swine, in a sense. If I was around smart people, I could hold up my end of the conversation. Etc etc etc. But I wonder if I was ever just JoAnna?
That's what I need help with. Identifying her. The real me. One time Kiki showed me an outfit she could see me wearing that NO ONE else would EVER pick out for me. She explained what she could sense in me. No one else has ever done that or seen that. I've never been able to show that side. When my husband first fell in love with me and I asked him how he knew or what he loved, he said my heart. He says I have a beautiful aura. Things he has told me he'd change about me, are things I want to change about me. He helps me free a side of myself it's never been safe to be before. I used to go driving with Benny or we'd play Tetris in the basement and sing Tom Petty songs at the top of our lungs. I've never felt so free and relaxed with myself as I did around him. How do I get a hold of these things? How do I make myself safe enough to let these things out? How do I not lose it when I'm around other people? I can sometimes sense myself out there... waiting to be discovered. But I can't quite get a hold of it and feel like I lose it so easily.......
To bear (or is it bare? I really don't know!) my testimony of faith and prayers, I recently applied for a debt consolidation loan with my bank. I was turned down because I have too many payment obligations. Um... isn't that what a consolidation loan is for? I kinda freaked out and got very frustrated at this. I don't know why it hit me so hard. I guess it felt like it would help so much and not getting it felt like it took away all my dreams. Yes, I tend to over react to things. (How do you stop that by the way?) Well, I prayed and prayed and prayed. At one point I said please just give me some kind of little miracle to help me out here... oh wait, don't let anybody die so that I inherit a million dollars or anything. So, last week Jeff opened a new bank account at a credit union. Friday we went to put me on the accounts. As we talked to the girl, without saying anything ourselves, she looked at our credit and said, gee you have a car you're about to pay off and all these little payments; do you want to look at a consolidation loan? I really felt like it was an answer to my prayer. So, yes, go forward with faith.
Onto other, even more exciting, topics... let's talk about me! :)
The other day I wore a new outfit that I thought was cute and COULD be my style. I kind of wore it trying to be cute for my hubby. Perhaps that sounds silly, but yes it was for him more than for me. I felt a bit self concious, but I thought it could work. He did tell me it was cute. I kind of felt like he said that just because he "had to" but he doesn't really do things like that. He's kind of a tell it like it is guy (sometimes that's good, sometimes it's hard) so I don't think he'd say it if he didn't think it. But then he said it didn't seem like me. I thought it could be, but it just didn't feel... comfortable. So I changed and will probably not wear it again.
I blogged before about the Smallville episode in which Chloe was under a love spell and doing things to "get" Clark that just weren't her. I was reminded of that episode with this situation. It helps because, as I said before, Chloe is cute and adorable and she doesn't have to be those other things. She is cute in her character. I need to be cute in my character. The thing I struggle with is, even though my hubby tells it like it is and insists that I'm "good enough," I often have a hard time feeling it. I WANT to wear the outfit because I think he's "supposed to" like it. And when he doesn't, it doesn't feel like he doesn't like "that look," it feels like I don't fit that look and I kinda wish I could for him. Does that make any sense? Clark likes the cheerleader, soft, sexy girl and so that's what Chloe tried to be. Chloe is so much cuter just being herself, but she tried to be what Clark would like. I see girls all the time- out and about or on t.v.- that I think are what my husband is "supposed to" like and I feel like I want to be like that for him. Somehow in my head it doesn't matter that I'm cuter as myself or that he chose ME and not someone different. You would think that being with the love of your life would give you self esteem but I just keep struggling.
I guess what I'm trying to say is will someone please help me to embrace my Chloe cuteness... my JoAnna cuteness... so I can quit trying to be something I'm not which isn't what he wants anyway and I can't pull it off if he did! When we met, I was a teacher- it was my element and I felt so confident. I had to put on a confident air, but somehow it wasn't faking it at all. I was comfortable and putting my best self forward. I had cute, what he calls "hippie" clothes and knew my style and felt smart and I suppose in some way I had no one to compete with. It was like that a lot in college. There weren't many girls in math world and I could just kinda be whoever I was and I was cute and people liked me and I even, once or twice, heard guys commenting on the "cute blonde." But I'd go to the other side of campus and feel totally out of my element. Girls there were... different. They had a polished, stylish look. They had a different social air. I didn't like it and often made fun of it, but the thing is, I"M the one that's different so I feel out of place. And what's happened now is that my life's gone to the other side of campus. I like to think... I hope and believe... that the reason my husband "picked" me is because I am different than all those girls. I think when he says he's glad I don't look like a supermodel, THAT is what he means. But sometimes it just feels like all I hear is that I don't look like a supermodel. And it doesn't matter how much I don't want to or he says he doesn't want me to, I feel like I should for him. I feel like he would love me more if I did. That he'd be happier.
I HATE my way of thinking. Instead letting myself feel happy and excited, I tend to feel the stress and anxiety. It's not a fun way to be, it's not what people want to be around, but I feel like I can't help it. As much as I want to be the strong girl, the woman who could set an example for others by being the best version of her own self and showing true beauty, I can't help comparing myself to all the others and feeling out of place. The other day, Jeff told me I had a beautiful aura. How much better could it be!? Why is it so hard then for me to accept that and live that?
This is just another blog just like all the rest just like all my journal entries since I was twelve of how do I better myself? And how do I get some self esteem? I'm tired. I don't want to think this way. I say (type) these things and feel like I annoy everyone I ever talk to by this feeling I can't get over. And yet, I'm just asking for help. Can't someone help me!? Can't someone fix this for me?
No. I have to do it myself. I suppose all I can do is just stop it. Just knock it off. If only that would work...
I feel out of touch with myself. I work at a job I like and feel comfortable with. The stress level is tolerable and the money is liveable. I like the people I work with and the work is interesting enough. But sometimes I don't feel like I"m really giving of myself. I'm not using my education. I'm not using my talents. What I wear is never polished and "business-like" enough. My hair is still unruly but I've been taming it lately and it doesn't feel good. I don't feel like myself. I just hope to not have to deal with too many people or anything out of the ordinary. I want to just blend into the neutral green walls.
I went to Hawaii and found out I'm not a cute beach girl. I'm a Utah girl. I eat beef. I wear one-piece swimming suits and sunblock. I put on my new cute swimming suit and I looked good. I had so much fun swimming around the hotel pool with my husband. We even bought snorkeling gear and I felt fine wearing my mask and looking like a dork. But then we went scuba diving and of course, there's that one girl in her bikini getting certified to scuba parading around in front of my husband. So then, I'm not cute, I'm squeezing my fat self into my skin tight wet suit (the scuba kind- you know what I'm talking about?), getting an earache and sea sick WISHING I could be the girl in the bikini EVEN THOUGH I think it's wrong of girls to parade around like that in front of my husband, brothers, nephews, fathers etc. and my husband has told me he prefers modesty AND the girl has no boobs so what's there to be jealous of anyway???? (I wonder what her husband thinks? Ooh, I have the hot wife? Or gee, everyone is looking at my wife?)...
I have certain ideas about what I want to be and who I am, especially as I become a wife and think about being a mother. In a way, sometimes it's hard for me to put together who I think I am and want to be with who I think I should be. That goes one way. I used to look at people, especially at church I'm sorry to say, and think that's NOT what I want to be! Prim and proper I guess is the best way to describe it. I want to be more laid back and it's okay to laugh when my nephew tries throwing his candy into his mouth and hits himself in the eye- even if it is at church. Then there's the other side, when I see myself as a bit prim and proper and polished. The motherly, house wife type. And then we get around people that make me feel like that's being so dorky, so unrealistic, so out of touch.
That's the problem/solution. I just can't be around other people. Fortunately for me, my husband and I both love the idea of moving to some small town and being hermits! Unfortunately, that's probably unrealistic. And, it's rather weak of me to not be able to just be myself when other people are around.
Other people! Geez! Do you know... well, moving this weekend. My step mother in law is a bit of a take charge, give "motherly" advice type. Sometimes it's annoying, but I don't have too hard a time just letting it go past me. She came over Saturday with Jeff's dad to help us move. Jeff's mom and brother came over Sunday to help finish up. It's my stuff, my house, I'm the wife/queen of the castle. I'm very organized and good at packing and planning etc. But as soon as anyone else walks in, my brain shuts off. THEY get to be in charge and know better and blah blah blah. I FORGOT TO PACK THE FREAKIN SILVERWARE because I got so "nervous" having people around. Jeff ate his burrito last night with a spatula and I had to drink my bowl of cereal this morning.
If you've read this far, thanks for sticking with me. I'm sorry I'm so scattered... but that's just it. It's all the same thing. From outfits and hair to silverware and job choices and mothers in law. WHERE IS JOANNA???
So when I ask for help, I'm not asking for compliments or to tell me that I'm fine. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. A make-over? A listening ear? I keep wanting to cut my hair. I keep feeling inclined for one of my short, cute hair do's. But I'm not convinced it's because I want short hair or that I'm done having long hair. It might be more of a searching for myself... searching for something...
There are these make-over shows on cable where the person has like two friends or family members and a professional style person basically rip apart their whole look. They throw away their clothes and tell them what's emotionally wrong with them that they've let themselves go. Then each person gets to go out and pick out three outfits, a hairstyle, and make-up collection. The picked on person gets to choose one person's stuff, without knowing who picked it. They have to choose a whole collection- not bits and pieces. The three outfits of one person, the hair and the make-up. It usually has a good outcome. The person, although hard to face, just needs help pulling their best self out. Sometimes I want someone to do that for me. Just help me be a better version of myself. Like I think if I could get the outside to show it, I'd feel and be better on the inside.
But sometimes I feel bad for the person. They take a cute, unique person and change her into just another one of the many. They tame wild hair and put on clothes that are "in" and high heeled shoes on everybody. Do they consider the inner person? And why do we put so much emphasis on the outside?
In junior high, I remember feeling like I was good at fitting in. Not following the crowd, but getting along with different types of people. I've since wondered if I was just good at blending or being invisible. Maybe I do that too much. I used to think I had different sides of myself and it was appropriate to show different sides in different situations. I knew how to have fun when I was out with friends, I knew how to take seriously and be reverent about things at church etc. If I was around people who were dumber than I was, I knew how to talk to them so they were comfortable. If I was around people who had no respect for special and sacred things, I knew how to act without being condescending and judgemental or casting my pearls before the swine, in a sense. If I was around smart people, I could hold up my end of the conversation. Etc etc etc. But I wonder if I was ever just JoAnna?
That's what I need help with. Identifying her. The real me. One time Kiki showed me an outfit she could see me wearing that NO ONE else would EVER pick out for me. She explained what she could sense in me. No one else has ever done that or seen that. I've never been able to show that side. When my husband first fell in love with me and I asked him how he knew or what he loved, he said my heart. He says I have a beautiful aura. Things he has told me he'd change about me, are things I want to change about me. He helps me free a side of myself it's never been safe to be before. I used to go driving with Benny or we'd play Tetris in the basement and sing Tom Petty songs at the top of our lungs. I've never felt so free and relaxed with myself as I did around him. How do I get a hold of these things? How do I make myself safe enough to let these things out? How do I not lose it when I'm around other people? I can sometimes sense myself out there... waiting to be discovered. But I can't quite get a hold of it and feel like I lose it so easily.......
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Sometimes I want OUT of this world
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18174245/
I just read an article that the Supreme Court has upheld a law passed by Congress banning partial birth abortions. (Perhaps I should put a warning on here- small children and those with weak stomachs leave the room!). But I have a weak stomach and I can't believe the retardedness of some people (that is not a derogatory comment on the mentally challenged, but meant in the cannot progress definition of something being retarded). Some people, including the justices of the court, actually appose this ban.
“Today’s decision is alarming,” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote in dissent. She said the ruling “refuses to take ... seriously” previous Supreme Court decisions on abortion.
Do they know what a partial birth abortion is!?!?! It occurs AFTER the 12th week of pregnancy (for the math impaired, that's 3 months).
'The procedure at issue involves partially removing the fetus intact from a woman’s uterus, then crushing or cutting its skull to complete the abortion.'
How can anyone think that that is okay? That that is within the woman's rights? Keep your legs together chick! But the alternative is not much better:
Abortion opponents say the law will not reduce the number of abortions performed because an alternate method — dismembering the fetus in the uterus — is available and, indeed, much more common.
I had a rough morning and this is not something I need to think about right now. Sorry to share it with you all. I just can't stand it. The article said there are 1 million abortions performed each year JUST in the United States. Most occur before these other methods are necessary, so that's good I guess (?-!) but I'm just in shock. I applaud the Court for upholding the ban but cannot believe there are people out there- especially in these posititions- that could find ANY reason to not make this procedure illegal. No wonder people blow up abortion clinics.
I just read an article that the Supreme Court has upheld a law passed by Congress banning partial birth abortions. (Perhaps I should put a warning on here- small children and those with weak stomachs leave the room!). But I have a weak stomach and I can't believe the retardedness of some people (that is not a derogatory comment on the mentally challenged, but meant in the cannot progress definition of something being retarded). Some people, including the justices of the court, actually appose this ban.
“Today’s decision is alarming,” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote in dissent. She said the ruling “refuses to take ... seriously” previous Supreme Court decisions on abortion.
Do they know what a partial birth abortion is!?!?! It occurs AFTER the 12th week of pregnancy (for the math impaired, that's 3 months).
'The procedure at issue involves partially removing the fetus intact from a woman’s uterus, then crushing or cutting its skull to complete the abortion.'
How can anyone think that that is okay? That that is within the woman's rights? Keep your legs together chick! But the alternative is not much better:
Abortion opponents say the law will not reduce the number of abortions performed because an alternate method — dismembering the fetus in the uterus — is available and, indeed, much more common.
I had a rough morning and this is not something I need to think about right now. Sorry to share it with you all. I just can't stand it. The article said there are 1 million abortions performed each year JUST in the United States. Most occur before these other methods are necessary, so that's good I guess (?-!) but I'm just in shock. I applaud the Court for upholding the ban but cannot believe there are people out there- especially in these posititions- that could find ANY reason to not make this procedure illegal. No wonder people blow up abortion clinics.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Beauty
http://lifestyle.msn.com/MindBodyandSoul/WomenintheWorld/StaticSlideshowMC.aspx?cp-documentid=859038&imageindex=1
"I had the legs of a person who lifts and goes to the gym, but I’m beyond that now—they’re bigger than ever, and they’re the source of my strength."
"I hated my belly then! Society has told women to control their bodies, but in the classes I teach, I retrain my students to let go. I’ve been dancing professionally for three years now. When I dance, I don’t focus on my shape, but on how it pleases others."
"The fingers on my left hand are disgusting: The skin is dead, so they’re very thick and padded. When I touch them, I don’t feel a thing. On my right hand, my second and third fingers look glued together... When I play, I can’t help but be proud of my fast fingers and trained hands."
"But I’ve made so many sacrifices to be this fit."
"My position wasn’t handed to me; I worked for it. When I look at my body, I see years of training."
"My feet swell, and my blisters bleed. I used to wear closed-toe shoes and not let anyone see my feet. I have a lot of friends who aren’t dancers, and they can’t get over what mine look like. But as I got older, I accepted them: This is what I do. "
These women aren't beauty queens. They are not what many of us "aspire" to. But they are who they are and they love themselves because of it. Hm...
"I had the legs of a person who lifts and goes to the gym, but I’m beyond that now—they’re bigger than ever, and they’re the source of my strength."
"I hated my belly then! Society has told women to control their bodies, but in the classes I teach, I retrain my students to let go. I’ve been dancing professionally for three years now. When I dance, I don’t focus on my shape, but on how it pleases others."
"The fingers on my left hand are disgusting: The skin is dead, so they’re very thick and padded. When I touch them, I don’t feel a thing. On my right hand, my second and third fingers look glued together... When I play, I can’t help but be proud of my fast fingers and trained hands."
"But I’ve made so many sacrifices to be this fit."
"My position wasn’t handed to me; I worked for it. When I look at my body, I see years of training."
"My feet swell, and my blisters bleed. I used to wear closed-toe shoes and not let anyone see my feet. I have a lot of friends who aren’t dancers, and they can’t get over what mine look like. But as I got older, I accepted them: This is what I do. "
These women aren't beauty queens. They are not what many of us "aspire" to. But they are who they are and they love themselves because of it. Hm...
Monday, April 09, 2007
Before I got married, people asked if I was nervous. I assumed they meant emotionally. Of course I was concerned that everything would go smoothly- the flowers, the cake, the dress, etc- but those are just things. The thing to be nervous about would be the committment and the emotions etc. I wasn't nervous about that because I felt like I'd already made that decision. And, as they say, when you know, you know.
The night of our wedding, we walked around our hotel and across the street to a gas station to get drinks. We both kept saying how much better everything felt being married. Just holding his hand felt SO good. And the week we were on our honeymoon, it was just an adventure (see previous blog :)
Getting home, things feel weird. On the one hand, it's back to life as normal- work, doing dishes, the laundry is piling up. It's like I have to remind myself I'm married and get used to calling him my husband, because life is the same as it was. On the other hand, I feel so anxious- "what comes next!? and how do you prepare for it?" and things come up that I know we talked about before, but it's like we're deciding all over again. I feel very overwhelmed and NOTHING will be the same again. Now I feel nervous.
It's fun to talk about, for real now, when to have kids and getting a bigger apartment and where our jobs and lives are headed. I just wish I could feel the excitement rather than the anxiety. Mumsy always tells me to relabel it and I remember that more often than she knows and it helps. But sometimes- a lot of times- I tell her there is a difference. Excitement feels fun and happy and I want to be doing something. Nervousness feels yucky and painful and I want to hide under the bed. I feel bad that I feel that way about my new life.
I do feel the excitement too though. Dad has asked me, on several life changing occassions, "if you could do anything, money was no object, what would you do with your life?" The trick is to answer before you think and edit too much. If I didn't have to worry about money, I probably wouldn't be working at a newspaper. I would probably have kept working at the college, teaching the few classes they had available for me. I would have a bigger, nicer apartment with my new hubby. I would have a baby sooner rather than later. He could keep working as a security job at a company he likes forever, or, when he was ready for it, pursue other careers he's interested in in Criminal Justice- there wouldn't be the pressure and anxiety of "right now!" I would probably eat healthier because I wouldn't be trying to shop on such a budget and I wouldn't have the excuse of not affording it so I might even get myself to Jazzercise (there is that whole time thing too).
The point of the exercise is to show you what really matters to you and what you really want to be doing. It also, usually, points out that what you really want is actually quite attainable. The next question is supposed to be, "so do it." (Not really a question- more of a challenge).
So, I write this and feel so focused. I feel peaceful thinking of the way my life could go/be. But then there's that whole reality thing. The fact that the bigger, nicer apartment is just out of budget. The fact that my credit cards are a bit beyond my control because of some "emergencies" that came up in the last year. And I realize, most my fears and what prevents me from doing what I want, are based in money. I have worked so hard to live a life that wasn't worldly or materialistic that I'm sad beyond belief that I'm still stuck in the same boat of debt as everyone else in the world; all those people I judged so quickly as making dumb choices that I would never make. And here I am.
Perhaps that's a good thing to realize. Perhaps, despite all my planning and fretting, I've still ended up in a financial pickle. So, why try so hard? Why not focus elsewhere and live the life I want and not care that I can't pay off the credit cards etc? It seems like everybody else in the world lives and works and struggles to pay the bills. Why not just accept that I'm one of them, but be smart enough to do something to enjoy the process?
I guess the worst that could happen is we go bankrupt (right? I mean, they don't come and take you to jail or hang you in town square if you can't pay your bills?) and we're not close to that. But even that, so what? So we can't get any more credit for a while? That would be a good thing. We'd have to stop!
No, probably the worst thing that would happen is, I'd have to keep working and either put the kids in daycare and face the horrors of that or work a different schedule than my hubby and our relationship will fall apart. I'll keep working at a job that's okay but not fulfilling forever and he'll never get to pursue his dreams and work at a "I like it, but it's not quite it" job forever. Then we really will be like everyone else on the planet- unhappy and just getting by.
Hm. Not going to let that happen, so...
Why doesn't life have a map? Or at least the answers to the odd questions in the back of the book?
The night of our wedding, we walked around our hotel and across the street to a gas station to get drinks. We both kept saying how much better everything felt being married. Just holding his hand felt SO good. And the week we were on our honeymoon, it was just an adventure (see previous blog :)
Getting home, things feel weird. On the one hand, it's back to life as normal- work, doing dishes, the laundry is piling up. It's like I have to remind myself I'm married and get used to calling him my husband, because life is the same as it was. On the other hand, I feel so anxious- "what comes next!? and how do you prepare for it?" and things come up that I know we talked about before, but it's like we're deciding all over again. I feel very overwhelmed and NOTHING will be the same again. Now I feel nervous.
It's fun to talk about, for real now, when to have kids and getting a bigger apartment and where our jobs and lives are headed. I just wish I could feel the excitement rather than the anxiety. Mumsy always tells me to relabel it and I remember that more often than she knows and it helps. But sometimes- a lot of times- I tell her there is a difference. Excitement feels fun and happy and I want to be doing something. Nervousness feels yucky and painful and I want to hide under the bed. I feel bad that I feel that way about my new life.
I do feel the excitement too though. Dad has asked me, on several life changing occassions, "if you could do anything, money was no object, what would you do with your life?" The trick is to answer before you think and edit too much. If I didn't have to worry about money, I probably wouldn't be working at a newspaper. I would probably have kept working at the college, teaching the few classes they had available for me. I would have a bigger, nicer apartment with my new hubby. I would have a baby sooner rather than later. He could keep working as a security job at a company he likes forever, or, when he was ready for it, pursue other careers he's interested in in Criminal Justice- there wouldn't be the pressure and anxiety of "right now!" I would probably eat healthier because I wouldn't be trying to shop on such a budget and I wouldn't have the excuse of not affording it so I might even get myself to Jazzercise (there is that whole time thing too).
The point of the exercise is to show you what really matters to you and what you really want to be doing. It also, usually, points out that what you really want is actually quite attainable. The next question is supposed to be, "so do it." (Not really a question- more of a challenge).
So, I write this and feel so focused. I feel peaceful thinking of the way my life could go/be. But then there's that whole reality thing. The fact that the bigger, nicer apartment is just out of budget. The fact that my credit cards are a bit beyond my control because of some "emergencies" that came up in the last year. And I realize, most my fears and what prevents me from doing what I want, are based in money. I have worked so hard to live a life that wasn't worldly or materialistic that I'm sad beyond belief that I'm still stuck in the same boat of debt as everyone else in the world; all those people I judged so quickly as making dumb choices that I would never make. And here I am.
Perhaps that's a good thing to realize. Perhaps, despite all my planning and fretting, I've still ended up in a financial pickle. So, why try so hard? Why not focus elsewhere and live the life I want and not care that I can't pay off the credit cards etc? It seems like everybody else in the world lives and works and struggles to pay the bills. Why not just accept that I'm one of them, but be smart enough to do something to enjoy the process?
I guess the worst that could happen is we go bankrupt (right? I mean, they don't come and take you to jail or hang you in town square if you can't pay your bills?) and we're not close to that. But even that, so what? So we can't get any more credit for a while? That would be a good thing. We'd have to stop!
No, probably the worst thing that would happen is, I'd have to keep working and either put the kids in daycare and face the horrors of that or work a different schedule than my hubby and our relationship will fall apart. I'll keep working at a job that's okay but not fulfilling forever and he'll never get to pursue his dreams and work at a "I like it, but it's not quite it" job forever. Then we really will be like everyone else on the planet- unhappy and just getting by.
Hm. Not going to let that happen, so...
Why doesn't life have a map? Or at least the answers to the odd questions in the back of the book?
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Political Ramble
I just read an article about Mitt Romney, the guy who presided over the Salt Lake winter Olympics, governor of Massachusettes (?), who is now running (or trying to run) for president. It was discussing the pros and cons on his candidacy of him being a Mormon. For some reason, it really annoyed me and I want to not vote for him just on principle.
The article mentioned a few of the people that have contributed money to his campaign- the Marriotts, Jon Huntsman, and Larry Miller. We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars from each person. Don't they know that people like me are in debt and struggling just to have a middle class lifestyle? Why do they give HIM so much money? Why IS politics so expensive? I don't get it. And what really bothered me about it is his credentials seem so based on religion alone. Sure, it said, people support him not just because he's a Mormon, but because of his experience and conservative platform. But then why is he getting all this money from Utah, Idaho, and Nevada- where all the Mormons live?
It then quoted a woman who contributed her $100. Such a small contribution in comparison to the others, I'm sure it was all she could do. I can't help but think of the Widow's Mite, imagining some old lady contributing her life savings to help a Mormon boy become president- not exactly what I think Jesus intended with that parable. There was another quote from a message board in which a girl/woman was quoted as saying we should talk about this to people... I think she mentioned Bob the clerk at Safeway... as if it's the same as spreading the gospel. Do we see lines being crossed here?
This article also talked of the solidarity and natural networking structure of the church. These, I believe, are positive things about any organization. But it talked about how this system is used to spread the politics. It is against church policy to promote any candidate or to tell it's members how to vote. I've always believed that and defended that stand when "friends" told me that the church tells people how to vote. But, as this article pointed out, the people of the church get around it anyway. It reminds me of when we voted about the state constitutional ammendment that basically banned gay people. Mormons believe that homosexuality is not fitting with God's will; this makes sense since God's whole purpose, according to our religion, is family. Man and woman; husband and wife; mom and dad and kids. But it is not doctrinal to hate gay people or to punish them or even to judge them. And yet, when this ammendment was being voted on, plenty of advertising etc went around implying that if you're a good Mormon you'll vote a certain way. It may not have been preached from the pulpit, but I know I had several Sunday school lessons etc that had to, at least, mention the subject. I think the prophet and Jesus -and the pope and Buddha for that matter- would be very disappointed in us. This article pointed out church owned organizations, like BYU, and how certain people within them get around not promoting a particular candidate. It also pointed out that to maintain the church's tax exempt, non profit status, the church is not allowed to be political. Sadly, I almost felt like "oh, that's why they can't tell us who to vote for" rather than the defense I've always felt of my faith, the gospel, that is all about free will and accountability and giving to the poor.
I've always felt a moral responsibility to vote and participate in politics. It seems like the right thing to do, even if my vote is just one of many. I've felt frustration when people complain about the Mormon politics in Utah. But, come this next presidential election, why even bother? All the good Mormons of Utah will vote for Mitt (we even call him by his first name in all the papers) because it's the right thing to do. The rest of the country will vote against him because he's a Mormon. And all of Utah's votes will mean nothing. I feel so disillusioned.
The article mentioned a few of the people that have contributed money to his campaign- the Marriotts, Jon Huntsman, and Larry Miller. We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars from each person. Don't they know that people like me are in debt and struggling just to have a middle class lifestyle? Why do they give HIM so much money? Why IS politics so expensive? I don't get it. And what really bothered me about it is his credentials seem so based on religion alone. Sure, it said, people support him not just because he's a Mormon, but because of his experience and conservative platform. But then why is he getting all this money from Utah, Idaho, and Nevada- where all the Mormons live?
It then quoted a woman who contributed her $100. Such a small contribution in comparison to the others, I'm sure it was all she could do. I can't help but think of the Widow's Mite, imagining some old lady contributing her life savings to help a Mormon boy become president- not exactly what I think Jesus intended with that parable. There was another quote from a message board in which a girl/woman was quoted as saying we should talk about this to people... I think she mentioned Bob the clerk at Safeway... as if it's the same as spreading the gospel. Do we see lines being crossed here?
This article also talked of the solidarity and natural networking structure of the church. These, I believe, are positive things about any organization. But it talked about how this system is used to spread the politics. It is against church policy to promote any candidate or to tell it's members how to vote. I've always believed that and defended that stand when "friends" told me that the church tells people how to vote. But, as this article pointed out, the people of the church get around it anyway. It reminds me of when we voted about the state constitutional ammendment that basically banned gay people. Mormons believe that homosexuality is not fitting with God's will; this makes sense since God's whole purpose, according to our religion, is family. Man and woman; husband and wife; mom and dad and kids. But it is not doctrinal to hate gay people or to punish them or even to judge them. And yet, when this ammendment was being voted on, plenty of advertising etc went around implying that if you're a good Mormon you'll vote a certain way. It may not have been preached from the pulpit, but I know I had several Sunday school lessons etc that had to, at least, mention the subject. I think the prophet and Jesus -and the pope and Buddha for that matter- would be very disappointed in us. This article pointed out church owned organizations, like BYU, and how certain people within them get around not promoting a particular candidate. It also pointed out that to maintain the church's tax exempt, non profit status, the church is not allowed to be political. Sadly, I almost felt like "oh, that's why they can't tell us who to vote for" rather than the defense I've always felt of my faith, the gospel, that is all about free will and accountability and giving to the poor.
I've always felt a moral responsibility to vote and participate in politics. It seems like the right thing to do, even if my vote is just one of many. I've felt frustration when people complain about the Mormon politics in Utah. But, come this next presidential election, why even bother? All the good Mormons of Utah will vote for Mitt (we even call him by his first name in all the papers) because it's the right thing to do. The rest of the country will vote against him because he's a Mormon. And all of Utah's votes will mean nothing. I feel so disillusioned.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Aloha
Well, the honeymoon's over. Jeff said he was ready to get back to work, but I'm struggling with my first day back. Could be that I didn't actually get to sleep until after 1 last night and was up at 5:30. There's a bit of anxiety getting back to work and facing people again. But I thought I'd take a minute to post and let eveyone know of the exciting details of our trip.
I thought our wedding was beautiful. Everything went really smoothly- and didn't I look pretty? That night, Dad set us up at the Little America hotel. We were supposed to be in a "garden room" but they upgraded us for free to the tower. I don't know what the difference is, besides height, but our room was beautiful- and huge! Everything was a soft pink color and we had almost a whole separate room with a couch/lounger, some chairs and a table. The bathroom was also more like two rooms with a great big tub. We were on the 14th floor and had a balcony. Normally this would completely freak me out but with Jeff I'm not nearly so scared. I actually stood on the balcony- by the edge!- and looked around.
We were up at four the next morning to get to the airport. All this talk about how rough it is to get through security and it was 30 minutes between the time we got on the hotel shuttle van and when we were sitting at our gate waiting for almost two more hours until we left. Oh well. We both agreed it's better to wait there than not. Our first flight was to Oakland and it was a teeny tiny plane. Jeff is very tall. He couldn't even stand up straight walking down the aisle. We talked to a couple couples in line and on the plane who helped us find our connecting flight. It was about two gates away and we had an hour or so. We got pizza from Round Table pizza and Jeff couldn't wait to get it again he thought it was so good. (Unfortunately we never found them again). Our next plane was bigger and more comfortable. They showed the movie Open Season, which we had seen before but both liked. I think I ended up sleeping through it. I thought all planes served at least some kind of snack. This one didn't. We got drinks, but anything else had to be purchased. Good thing we ate the pizza!
We arrived in Honolulu, because of the time change, shortly after 1 in the afternoon. Even the airport was pretty. They had open areas with trees and gardens. We were so excited. We found our way to baggage claim and waited. And waited. And waited. And then they shut the little door where the luggage comes out. There were lots of people from our flight still looking around so we thought they must have more to come. So we waited. Nothing came. About 20-30 people from our flight had to stand in line and fill out paper work for lost luggage. This seemed really unecessary to me. It seemed obvious that some mistake was made and they didn't need every single person writing it down. But, they did. When I have travelled in the past, I usually have packed an overnight bag that I carry on the plane, but with all the new stuff I hear about security, I didn't dare take anything. So, we had nothing for that night. The airline did give us a toothbrush that when you used it, the bristles came out and the toothpaste tasted funny, but it was better than nothing. I got the impression that all the luggage coming from SL didn't go through.
So, then we made our way to the rental car place. Of course it was not with all the rest at the airport, but it wasn't hard to get a shuttle and be taken where we needed to go. It was packed. We stood in line forever- tired and discouraged because of the luggage. We rented a convertible. It was dark blue and pretty. We also opted for a GPS (?) system which was very helpful for getting us around. There was a lot of traffic and the highest speed limit we saw for our whole trip, and this was on the freeway, was 35. People were aggressive and didn't like to let you over, but at least they were slow enough, it was alright.
It took a long time to get to our hotel- it was about four hours between landing and actually checking in at the hotel! We expected a nice resort, two blocks from the beach- that's what we had been sold. When we found it, it was a small run down looking place in the middle of two big run down looking places. We still had not seen the ocean. There was no place to park at our place so we had to park at the hotel across the street, which was actually around the block, for a bargain price of $18 a day. Our room was in the back corner and was small. Our view of the pool area was a back of a rock. I had worn not quite sweat pants but sort of and a t-shirt and was way too hot already. We had air conditioning- a small thing in the wall that hardly blew air. The water in the shower was barely warm- the whole trip. I woke up in the middle of the night so hot I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to turn a light on and wake Jeff up so I finally just started turning dials on the air conditioner until it felt colder and was blowing harder. Thank goodness!Jeff was so disappointed he almost cried and was seriously wanting to go home. We were starving, tired, and disappointed. We went to McDonald's up the street and spent $20 for two of us to eat. We went to bed early.
The next day, we had decided to spend the day in and hope our luggage would come and a parking spot at our place would become available (they were reserved/ first come first serve kinda thing- we never got one). We went out in the early afternoon to buy headache medicine- also packed in the lost suitcase and of course Jeff woke up fighting a migraine. We talked to the concierge/activities desk and started feeling better. Our luggage arrived shortly thereafter. With a change of clothes and fresh attitude, we discovered that the rock by our sliding doors was the back of a waterfall in the pool area. On the the other other side of the rock was the hot tub. The pool area had lots of trees and plants and looked much better than the day before. Things started to imrove right away.
Honolulu, Waikiki, Oahu... I get it all mixed up- I guess we were in all three places... was very crowded. Big buildings, lots of people and lots of stores. I had imagined our two blocks from the beach as scenic and open- fresh air and palm trees. I was wrong. One day we used our fancy car thing to find a particular store that was a ways away. It turned out to be one of the better things we did. The drive was nice and we ended up in an area that was more like what I imagined. We could see the water! and there were hills and clouds and a rainbow and the houses and buildings didn't look run down.
Near our hotel, on the way to the beach, was a little alley way filled with merchants- kind of like a swap meet set up. They had such pretty things and it was fun to walk down... at first. Jeff collects swords and knows a lot about them in a historic way. He stopped at a cart to look at some swords they had. He was immediately pounced upon by not one, but three women. When they told him how much it was, he said it was a bit much and they asked how much he would pay for it. When he told them, they said for 5 more dollars than that, he could have it. He said we didn't have a way to get it home and they insisted he could put it in his suit case and not have trouble with security- never mind that it wouldn't fit and we had to mail it! The one woman just kept telling him to give her his money. Yes, telling him! When he got his wallet out, she practically reached in and grabbed it for him! I'm not exaggerating. He barely had it out of his wallet before she grabbed. The other woman had the sword wrapped and boxed and in his hands. This was not an easy souvenir to carry to the beach. Jeff walked away dumbfounded. He was not sad that he had bought the sword, but kept saying that he was always able to say no to aggressive people so he didn't really know how that had happened.
On Tuesday, a guy came to our hotel and gave free scuba diving lessons in the pool. We decided to try it. He had the masks and the tanks and everything. I always thought it sounded scary. I had heard that if you breathe wrong, you'll implode your lungs or something. But it was not so bad in the pool. A little weird being under water and breathing, but it was kind of fun. The next day, you could pay and the guy would come pick you up and take you out on the ocean for a dive. We decided to do it.
They first had us watch a little video that talked a bit more about the breathing etc than we'd done in the pool. Then we went out on the boat. It was so pretty! There were three of us doing the "intro" dive and a bunch more that were getting certified and actually taking lessons. The trick to not having your lungs implode, is to keep breathing. It sounds simple, but when you have a big thing in your mouth, you can't breathe through your nose, and you get 20-40 feet under water, it's not! The other thing is, as you descend, you have to keep clearing your ears. It was easy enough to do, but for some reason, only my one ear would pop. The video said it's "your responsibility to be completely open and honest with your instructor" about any dicomfort. So, I kept telling the guy my ear hurt. We'd take a minute and it would feel alright, but as soon as we started going down again, it would hurt again. But, we made it to the bottom. I panicked a little. But it was very cool. We saw a big turtle that came right up to us and a little eel and lots of fish. I felt dumb because I either couldn't get off the ground or I kept floating away and getting up above everybody. But our guide was really good about helping me and of course Jeff kept an eye on me. How's that for romance- holding your husband's hand on the bottom of the ocean!?
When we got back to the boat, I was ready to be out of the water and get my barings. We sat down and had some water and we were both really excited. They were going to do another dive and gave us time to be ready again. Jeff's head hurt once we got on the boat and my ear was bothering me just enough I didn't know if I should go down again, but not enough to get over being too embarrassed to say anything. I also started getting a bit shakey and decided I'd sit the next dive out. Jeff went though and I got some good pictures of him going in the water. Sitting on the boat for the 20 minutes or so they were down there didn't help my shakiness. In fact, the shakiness turned to nausea. Luckily, I don't throw up easily, but I sure felt like it. I was glad to get back to land, but I still have to say that was one of the coolest things I've ever done.
We ate a lot of pizza on the trip. Jeff's not too adventurous when it comes to food. We had a kitchenette in our room so we could order a pizza and put half of it in the fridge for breakfast the next day. We did find a fun Mexican place that was kind of half in doors, half outdoors- birds flew in and walked around the tables. I had a good vegie, rice and bean burrito that also made a good breakfast the next day and when we went back, I had a really good chimichanga. We also went to an Italian restaurant that seemed really fancy once we went in but you couldn't tell from the outside. It was about $20 a person but we decided it was our honeymoon and worth it. It was darn good fettucine alfredo.
Other than that, oh and finding the biggest mall I've ever been to, we spent a lot of time at our hotel pool and not doing much of anything. It seems that everybody wants to know what you did in Hawaii, what activities you tried, but we purposely went with no itinerary so we could relax and just enjoy being there and being together. I feel a bit sad we didn't get to a few places- like Pearl Harbor for heaven's sake! how could we go to Hawaii and not see that?- but it was a nice trip. A few times we'd get out in the crowds and just WANT to go back to the hotel and order a pizza. We decided if we ever go back, we'll go to a different island. We were told they were less "touristy" but then the people telling us that just wanted to sell us a tour of some kind. To be honest, I was disappointed that it was so crowded and city like- not what I had imagined. But, once you adjust your expectations, it was good.
Sunday we again were up at 4:30. We got lost getting back to the car rental place. Security at the Honolulu airport was horrendous! The movie on this flight was Accepted, which we'd both seen before but is a surprisingly good movie I would recommend if you haven't yet seen it. We flew into Los Angeles and had no idea where our connecting flight was. There weren't even any of those big signs with the flights and gates listed- only a whole bunch of gates marked with Alaskan airlines. We finally just asked one of them to help us and she told us we had to walk ten minutes to terminal 5. This airport had who knows how many terminals! This meant "leaving" which meant re-entering which meant more security. We also had to wait in line to check in and the guy didn't really know what he was doing so we were waiting for like half an hour. We hardly had time to stop at California Pizza kitchen, Jeff sad that we couldn't find the good stuff like in Oakland, and both so hungry we were passing out. When we got to SL, they asked people that weren't trying to get to a connecting flight to let those who were off the plane first. We somehow landed, got our luggage, and were out on the curb waiting for his mom to pick us up in about fifteen minutes. It did feel good to be home.
We went home and opened our wedding presents. What fun that was! We had finally adjusted to Hawaii time so I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. and Jeff, also trying to get back to his graveyard shift schedule, stayed up until 5. We slept until 1 in the afternoon. We went out yesterday evening- spent some of the gift cards we received, got my haircut, went to dinner, and then went home and watched movies. Jeff left for work about 11:30. I couldn't go to bed by myself and stayed up and watched Scrubs. He calls me about 12, once he gets settled at work, to let me know he's there. I got in bed when he called and felt exhausted and relaxed. Once we hung up, I couldn't sleep or get comfortable. It's back to real life.
I thought our wedding was beautiful. Everything went really smoothly- and didn't I look pretty? That night, Dad set us up at the Little America hotel. We were supposed to be in a "garden room" but they upgraded us for free to the tower. I don't know what the difference is, besides height, but our room was beautiful- and huge! Everything was a soft pink color and we had almost a whole separate room with a couch/lounger, some chairs and a table. The bathroom was also more like two rooms with a great big tub. We were on the 14th floor and had a balcony. Normally this would completely freak me out but with Jeff I'm not nearly so scared. I actually stood on the balcony- by the edge!- and looked around.
We were up at four the next morning to get to the airport. All this talk about how rough it is to get through security and it was 30 minutes between the time we got on the hotel shuttle van and when we were sitting at our gate waiting for almost two more hours until we left. Oh well. We both agreed it's better to wait there than not. Our first flight was to Oakland and it was a teeny tiny plane. Jeff is very tall. He couldn't even stand up straight walking down the aisle. We talked to a couple couples in line and on the plane who helped us find our connecting flight. It was about two gates away and we had an hour or so. We got pizza from Round Table pizza and Jeff couldn't wait to get it again he thought it was so good. (Unfortunately we never found them again). Our next plane was bigger and more comfortable. They showed the movie Open Season, which we had seen before but both liked. I think I ended up sleeping through it. I thought all planes served at least some kind of snack. This one didn't. We got drinks, but anything else had to be purchased. Good thing we ate the pizza!
We arrived in Honolulu, because of the time change, shortly after 1 in the afternoon. Even the airport was pretty. They had open areas with trees and gardens. We were so excited. We found our way to baggage claim and waited. And waited. And waited. And then they shut the little door where the luggage comes out. There were lots of people from our flight still looking around so we thought they must have more to come. So we waited. Nothing came. About 20-30 people from our flight had to stand in line and fill out paper work for lost luggage. This seemed really unecessary to me. It seemed obvious that some mistake was made and they didn't need every single person writing it down. But, they did. When I have travelled in the past, I usually have packed an overnight bag that I carry on the plane, but with all the new stuff I hear about security, I didn't dare take anything. So, we had nothing for that night. The airline did give us a toothbrush that when you used it, the bristles came out and the toothpaste tasted funny, but it was better than nothing. I got the impression that all the luggage coming from SL didn't go through.
So, then we made our way to the rental car place. Of course it was not with all the rest at the airport, but it wasn't hard to get a shuttle and be taken where we needed to go. It was packed. We stood in line forever- tired and discouraged because of the luggage. We rented a convertible. It was dark blue and pretty. We also opted for a GPS (?) system which was very helpful for getting us around. There was a lot of traffic and the highest speed limit we saw for our whole trip, and this was on the freeway, was 35. People were aggressive and didn't like to let you over, but at least they were slow enough, it was alright.
It took a long time to get to our hotel- it was about four hours between landing and actually checking in at the hotel! We expected a nice resort, two blocks from the beach- that's what we had been sold. When we found it, it was a small run down looking place in the middle of two big run down looking places. We still had not seen the ocean. There was no place to park at our place so we had to park at the hotel across the street, which was actually around the block, for a bargain price of $18 a day. Our room was in the back corner and was small. Our view of the pool area was a back of a rock. I had worn not quite sweat pants but sort of and a t-shirt and was way too hot already. We had air conditioning- a small thing in the wall that hardly blew air. The water in the shower was barely warm- the whole trip. I woke up in the middle of the night so hot I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to turn a light on and wake Jeff up so I finally just started turning dials on the air conditioner until it felt colder and was blowing harder. Thank goodness!Jeff was so disappointed he almost cried and was seriously wanting to go home. We were starving, tired, and disappointed. We went to McDonald's up the street and spent $20 for two of us to eat. We went to bed early.
The next day, we had decided to spend the day in and hope our luggage would come and a parking spot at our place would become available (they were reserved/ first come first serve kinda thing- we never got one). We went out in the early afternoon to buy headache medicine- also packed in the lost suitcase and of course Jeff woke up fighting a migraine. We talked to the concierge/activities desk and started feeling better. Our luggage arrived shortly thereafter. With a change of clothes and fresh attitude, we discovered that the rock by our sliding doors was the back of a waterfall in the pool area. On the the other other side of the rock was the hot tub. The pool area had lots of trees and plants and looked much better than the day before. Things started to imrove right away.
Honolulu, Waikiki, Oahu... I get it all mixed up- I guess we were in all three places... was very crowded. Big buildings, lots of people and lots of stores. I had imagined our two blocks from the beach as scenic and open- fresh air and palm trees. I was wrong. One day we used our fancy car thing to find a particular store that was a ways away. It turned out to be one of the better things we did. The drive was nice and we ended up in an area that was more like what I imagined. We could see the water! and there were hills and clouds and a rainbow and the houses and buildings didn't look run down.
Near our hotel, on the way to the beach, was a little alley way filled with merchants- kind of like a swap meet set up. They had such pretty things and it was fun to walk down... at first. Jeff collects swords and knows a lot about them in a historic way. He stopped at a cart to look at some swords they had. He was immediately pounced upon by not one, but three women. When they told him how much it was, he said it was a bit much and they asked how much he would pay for it. When he told them, they said for 5 more dollars than that, he could have it. He said we didn't have a way to get it home and they insisted he could put it in his suit case and not have trouble with security- never mind that it wouldn't fit and we had to mail it! The one woman just kept telling him to give her his money. Yes, telling him! When he got his wallet out, she practically reached in and grabbed it for him! I'm not exaggerating. He barely had it out of his wallet before she grabbed. The other woman had the sword wrapped and boxed and in his hands. This was not an easy souvenir to carry to the beach. Jeff walked away dumbfounded. He was not sad that he had bought the sword, but kept saying that he was always able to say no to aggressive people so he didn't really know how that had happened.
On Tuesday, a guy came to our hotel and gave free scuba diving lessons in the pool. We decided to try it. He had the masks and the tanks and everything. I always thought it sounded scary. I had heard that if you breathe wrong, you'll implode your lungs or something. But it was not so bad in the pool. A little weird being under water and breathing, but it was kind of fun. The next day, you could pay and the guy would come pick you up and take you out on the ocean for a dive. We decided to do it.
They first had us watch a little video that talked a bit more about the breathing etc than we'd done in the pool. Then we went out on the boat. It was so pretty! There were three of us doing the "intro" dive and a bunch more that were getting certified and actually taking lessons. The trick to not having your lungs implode, is to keep breathing. It sounds simple, but when you have a big thing in your mouth, you can't breathe through your nose, and you get 20-40 feet under water, it's not! The other thing is, as you descend, you have to keep clearing your ears. It was easy enough to do, but for some reason, only my one ear would pop. The video said it's "your responsibility to be completely open and honest with your instructor" about any dicomfort. So, I kept telling the guy my ear hurt. We'd take a minute and it would feel alright, but as soon as we started going down again, it would hurt again. But, we made it to the bottom. I panicked a little. But it was very cool. We saw a big turtle that came right up to us and a little eel and lots of fish. I felt dumb because I either couldn't get off the ground or I kept floating away and getting up above everybody. But our guide was really good about helping me and of course Jeff kept an eye on me. How's that for romance- holding your husband's hand on the bottom of the ocean!?
When we got back to the boat, I was ready to be out of the water and get my barings. We sat down and had some water and we were both really excited. They were going to do another dive and gave us time to be ready again. Jeff's head hurt once we got on the boat and my ear was bothering me just enough I didn't know if I should go down again, but not enough to get over being too embarrassed to say anything. I also started getting a bit shakey and decided I'd sit the next dive out. Jeff went though and I got some good pictures of him going in the water. Sitting on the boat for the 20 minutes or so they were down there didn't help my shakiness. In fact, the shakiness turned to nausea. Luckily, I don't throw up easily, but I sure felt like it. I was glad to get back to land, but I still have to say that was one of the coolest things I've ever done.
We ate a lot of pizza on the trip. Jeff's not too adventurous when it comes to food. We had a kitchenette in our room so we could order a pizza and put half of it in the fridge for breakfast the next day. We did find a fun Mexican place that was kind of half in doors, half outdoors- birds flew in and walked around the tables. I had a good vegie, rice and bean burrito that also made a good breakfast the next day and when we went back, I had a really good chimichanga. We also went to an Italian restaurant that seemed really fancy once we went in but you couldn't tell from the outside. It was about $20 a person but we decided it was our honeymoon and worth it. It was darn good fettucine alfredo.
Other than that, oh and finding the biggest mall I've ever been to, we spent a lot of time at our hotel pool and not doing much of anything. It seems that everybody wants to know what you did in Hawaii, what activities you tried, but we purposely went with no itinerary so we could relax and just enjoy being there and being together. I feel a bit sad we didn't get to a few places- like Pearl Harbor for heaven's sake! how could we go to Hawaii and not see that?- but it was a nice trip. A few times we'd get out in the crowds and just WANT to go back to the hotel and order a pizza. We decided if we ever go back, we'll go to a different island. We were told they were less "touristy" but then the people telling us that just wanted to sell us a tour of some kind. To be honest, I was disappointed that it was so crowded and city like- not what I had imagined. But, once you adjust your expectations, it was good.
Sunday we again were up at 4:30. We got lost getting back to the car rental place. Security at the Honolulu airport was horrendous! The movie on this flight was Accepted, which we'd both seen before but is a surprisingly good movie I would recommend if you haven't yet seen it. We flew into Los Angeles and had no idea where our connecting flight was. There weren't even any of those big signs with the flights and gates listed- only a whole bunch of gates marked with Alaskan airlines. We finally just asked one of them to help us and she told us we had to walk ten minutes to terminal 5. This airport had who knows how many terminals! This meant "leaving" which meant re-entering which meant more security. We also had to wait in line to check in and the guy didn't really know what he was doing so we were waiting for like half an hour. We hardly had time to stop at California Pizza kitchen, Jeff sad that we couldn't find the good stuff like in Oakland, and both so hungry we were passing out. When we got to SL, they asked people that weren't trying to get to a connecting flight to let those who were off the plane first. We somehow landed, got our luggage, and were out on the curb waiting for his mom to pick us up in about fifteen minutes. It did feel good to be home.
We went home and opened our wedding presents. What fun that was! We had finally adjusted to Hawaii time so I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. and Jeff, also trying to get back to his graveyard shift schedule, stayed up until 5. We slept until 1 in the afternoon. We went out yesterday evening- spent some of the gift cards we received, got my haircut, went to dinner, and then went home and watched movies. Jeff left for work about 11:30. I couldn't go to bed by myself and stayed up and watched Scrubs. He calls me about 12, once he gets settled at work, to let me know he's there. I got in bed when he called and felt exhausted and relaxed. Once we hung up, I couldn't sleep or get comfortable. It's back to real life.
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