Idle Babble

Sitting at work, I watch people go by in their suits and business casual clothes. Some of them are no older than I am, and I feel like just a kid. I watch them across the office, doing their business, introductions are made, they discuss who does what and then they leave, off to finish whatever task is at hand. I wonder if they are as smart as they look? Are they as confident as they act? Are they as scared of not knowing what they're doing as I often get?

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I've been chatting via email with an old friend of mine. Sometimes I miss her and want to talk about everything. Other times, she's more like an amusement or distraction when things are slow. It's funny how it's the same old drama with her as it was several years ago; and years before that, it was the drama leading up to this.
The other day, just in her conversation, something was mentioned that took me back to when I did hang out with her and was more involved. I started thinking of things that happened, things I thought and felt, things that were said... I seriously felt like I was going to barf. I wanted to hurl, just to be rid of the whole thing. I blamed myself for being stupid, for "letting" things happen that now I wish wouldn't have. I felt hate- which is an extreme word when I actually mean it and I do here- hate for her? myself? other people? the situation? the feelings? for not being in control... for not seeing the future better... for putting undeserved faith in people...
I talked to myself a good while and worked through the feelings. I came to an understanding, a forgiveness of sorts for myself. That was a positive thing. But I just wonder, why is it so hard? Why is it hard to forgive or let go? Why did it feel like I needed to physically throw it up in order to get rid of it? Is it just me and the way I react to things? Do other people just let go more easily? I still feel embarrassment about a high school chemistry project I kinda messed up or about guys I had crushes on as a teenager and even worse, things I tried to do about it.
I have in times past, dealt with things. I think it's a maturity- to get over it. To realize you were just a kid etc etc. But sometimes... I wish things would just go away.

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My betrothed was really sweet yesterday. He just said and did a few things that reminded me he really does love me, appreciate me, need me.

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I can't believe it's November already. It's been a beautiful fall. I like it when there's a chill in the air and you have to wear a jacket outside.
I'm looking forward to the Holidays. I just like that time of year. I can't wait for everybody to come home and be around again. I have what I think is a quite clever idea for family Christmas presents this year. I need to get on it and I'm having a bit of a hard time getting it to come together. If it doesn't work out, it could be really lame.

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I've been playing on the internet a bit when I can, looking at places for my wedding. I've found one place that looks like it could be what we want AND it seems affordable! (of course, affordability could just be a relative term. I can't believe the price of some places!). It's in Millcreek Canyon (I can never remember know which canyon is which). The website looks nice. They have an outdoor ceremony place, which is a big thing we want. And they offer a lot of the extras. It might be nice to have someone take care of all of that so you make sure you have what you need! And someone else cleans up! :)