A couple is trying to buy a new couch for their home. They go to the store and the husband picks one out. He seems to have his heart set on it, but maybe he's just being practically minded, thinking of space, cost, even the color. The wife doesn't see one she wants and feels like they should wait. The husband insists this is the only chance they have to buy a sofa and if they don't take it, they'll miss out on the incredible sale and who knows when or if they'll ever be able to get one. If the wife is okay with the one he picked, how much can she assert her feeling that she just doesn't want it? If she doesn't dislike it, but she's not real excited about it, does that give her more reason to say no? If she just cannot stand to live with it- the color, the size, the shape, whatever- does that give her even more "right" to say no? And if the husband DOES have his heart set on it, how much should that play into their decision? Which partner should give?
A couch seems like a silly thing to "fight" about. It's not going to change the world or how you feel about each other. On the other hand, it's a big piece of furniture. It takes up space, should be a place for you to be comfortable, and is something you have to live with EVERY day. That's why it's a good example- it's big and small at the same time.
I am very non-assertive. Most things, to me, are not worth fighting about. I can roll with the punches pretty well. I can be happy at whatever restaurant we choose to eat at- whether they have rolls and punch or not! But sometimes, it seems like I need to be careful. I need to have an opinion whether I do or not, whether it matters or not. And when it comes to "buying a sofa," I'm not sure what the best approach is. How do I assert myself? How do I compromise and be fair? When is it okay to insist on getting your way?
2 comments:
Both people's home, both people's couch, both people's decision. There is no "which partner should give" in this case. Something like that should be a joint decision. It's sad and ridiculous to assert anything else. And it's sad and ridiculous if one person doesn't want it to be a joint decision! What would be the reason for that?
Okay, maybe one person REALLY likes a couch. But I can't imagine that person wanting it so much that he/she no longer wants the other person's opinion to have any sway. Sure, a couch isn't a BIG deal, but there's ALWAYS sales and there's probably always going to be a decent couch, so you should wait until you both like one quite a bit. If that just isn't likely to ever happen, then find one you can both feel mediocre about. Isn't part of the fun having it be a mutual decision? Something that you both picked out?
I realize it's so obvious, especially with your comments BennyK- and thank you. We're not buying a couch or anything, it just felt last week like there were questions on the horizon that I couldn't see the best approach to.
Perhaps THAT is the problem- I think there has to be an approach or a compromise. Perhaps in those situations, the best answer is wait. When it comes to things that are OURS, we both need to be happy and excited.
I just sometimes feel like I have to justify and explain WHY I don't want the couch, when I don't know WHY, I just don't. It's just not IT. I should add that it's not the person I'm with, it's just part of being me. I get tongue tied when I can't explain or give a good argument for something as simple as I don't want/like it or I DO want/like it. I just have to be reminded of the obvious.
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