When I was sixteen, or not quite but my friend was, one of the first times she got to take her mom's car out, at some point in the evening, we decided to take a drive. We were talking and probably she was having fun driving and being in control of where we went. I remember feeling nervous- not nervous like we were going someplace scary or because she wasn't supposed to drive more than to here and back. Just nervous. I was strangely aware of a new step in my life. I no longer had to always ask permission. It was kind of a strange feeling. Perhaps at sixteen, we shouldn't have been driving around when and where parents didn't know. But it really wasn't a big deal. We weren't joy riding, just talking and "taking the long way" home.
Years later, after college, I had my own car, my own job and I remember one day I wasn't ready to go home after work. I had good tunes on the radio, something on my mind and it was a beautiful day. As I passed the exit I would normally take, I had that same nervous feeling. "I'm not supposed to be doing this."
But now I am getting ready to take a very big drive "by myself." I'm getting married!!! And I'm finding myself with that same nervous feeling. Shouldn't I be asking someone's permission? Shouldn't there be rules and routines that I'm supposed to follow?
It's really strange as we discuss some decisions and actually make others- from the flowers for the wedding to buying a house someday- I don't feel like a grown up. What do you mean WE can make those decisions? AND, they are ours to make! No one else should be involved... I mean, parental advice is a good thing, but when it comes down to it, it's OUR marriage, OUR life, OUR home, OUR family. So, it should be OUR decisions.
I don't mean that in a "butt out" way. I mean that in a "I need to grow up and be responsible" way. I need to take some initiative in my life. I think if we are to build a family/life/marriage here, we have to take the responsibility. Perhaps I feel hesitation because I know if I mess up, someone else has to be there to help me through it. Like if we want to spend a million dollars on something and then we don't have rent money and the parents end up helping us out, in a sense, they have the right to tell us we shouldn't have spent it in the first place. Maybe I see that and think parents shouldn't bail us out and that's really scary. Maybe I'm afraid of being on my own with it.
The problem with all this is that I find myself, instead of getting happy and excited about things, stressing out. Why can't I just say "we did this or we're doing that because we want it to be that way" and be excited about it? Instead I worry what everyone in the world will think- of course they'll be negative about it- and then if it all goes wrong, not only will I be disappointed, but I'll feel stupid for not listening to them in the first place. But perhaps...
If it all goes right, we will have a life that we have created together.
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