Anger Management

Is anger ever a good emotion?

Sometimes I wish I could get or stay mad because at least that would be some sort of self defense (I usually feel I have none). Sometimes it seems that anger gives you the chance to say what you really feel and to clear the air. To still feel love after, or during, the anger testifies of the strength of your love. To make someone mad and still know they love you offers a lot of security and a feeling of acceptance.

But still, I don't believe in anger. Overall, I don't think it is a productive, worth while emotion. Does it REALLY get you anywhere? or is that just looking at the bright side of a dark cloud?

I recently heard someone at work yelling at her daughter on the phone. I could tell the mother was frustrated and maybe the child even "deserved it." The mother was saying "this is unacceptable." For some reason I imagined the two at home that evening, after the smoke had cleared. Would they laugh and feel close to each other? Would all be well? Would there be an evening of adjusting, not quite able to let go of hurt feelings, and needing to get back to "normal?" It made me sad.

It seems to me that some people can get mad or be mad at and just get over it. The anger is like popping a pimple and then it's gone. Some people seem to handle criticism and the wrath of a loved one or one in authority as if it's no big deal. I worked at a day care over the summer and a couple of my superiors ALWAYS seemed angry. It often seemed like the only way to get the kids to behave was to yell and be mad and punitive. Some kids shrugged it off, some not even listening. Other kids internalized it, some cried... you could see in their little eyes a shutting down. And the ones that did seem to handle it well? Sometimes, in sympathetic moments, it looked as if they had already shut down a long time ago.

I went to my fiance's dad's house on Sunday. Recently, Jeff's step mom has had some of her family move in with them. Jeff's little brother noticed that something that should have been done, wasn't and he tried to tell the new older boys that they needed to watch for it. That or he just saw a chance to get after them about something. He tried to raise his voice and sound angry and in charge. I haven't seen him like that before; perhaps it's part of his personality to talk that way to people? Maybe he felt a need to assert himself when his space is being a bit invaded. Maybe that's how people talk to him when he forgets to do something.

Last night I got mad at Jeff. He was bugging me and I tried to be nice about it. I tried to ignore him. I tried to fake being angry to get his attention. Nothing was working and I was finally so frustrated I yelled at him. It did seem to get his attention and make my point, but really all it did was leave me feeling sad. I don't want to feel that way toward him. I don't like talking to him that way. I apologized for being a jerk and reacting that way to something playful. He said maybe he was the one being the jerk and being insensitive. Maybe it's true on both sides, but all that happened is, we both felt like jerks. I don't like what it says about how we are relating even if just in that moment.

Anger says to the other person that "I am the boss." This means that their feelings, thoughts, etc don't matter. "I'm big and you're small..." It says that all that matters at this moment is how I feel and what I want. It tries to take charge of a situation or change the way things are going by belittling the other person- squishing them into submission. That's the only way the mom could get her kid to do what needed to be done. It's the only way the daycare could keep the kids under control. It was the brother's attempt to not lose his space, his home, his grounding. And it was the only way I could get Jeff's attention.

I don't see how, in the long run, anger changed anything for the better in those situations. Sure, the situation was changed, under control, perhaps even the result or outcome was what was needed. But even for those who are able to shrug it off, doesn't it change something more than the situation? Some of us are sensitive to that change. Others aren't. But it's still there and I'm not sure that it's good. In fact, I think it's something bad.

Maybe next time, the daughter will be quicker to do what the mother asks and is therefore learning responsiblity. Next time Jeff's being annoying, maybe I'll think more about what attention I'm not giving him and maybe next time he'll know better how to get it. Or maybe we'll all just be hesitant to act or feel anything. Maybe we'll all learn that our initial need or way of dealing with something wasn't good enough- it just brought anger.

But, what can we do? If Jeff won't listen until I get angry, or the daughter won't get things done until she's yelled at, or the daycare is out of control unless someone mean is in charge, maybe we have to get mad. What is our alternative?