I think I haven't posted lately because I've been having a hard time and don't feel like I have much positive to say. It's really hard living with people and I feel so ungrateful even saying that. It's not like I don't like these people, it's just an adjustment. New rules, new surroundings, dogs everywhere. Plus I'm just really worn out being pregnant and have to just keep going and going. I even got sick within the first week or two of living there- it's a head cold and I'm over it for the most part, but I can't seem to get it out of my sinuses. I'm worried I'm allergic to all the dogs together, not to mention the gallons of perfumey stuff I inhale everyday at work. I really get annoyed by people I have to deal with at work- even the ones that don't smell "good." I even think mean thoughts!
Other than that, I don't suppose there's much to say about it. There's no point in complaining really. At least not "publicly." We are where we are and you just keep going forward.
Last night Jeff and I had a discussion about things that left me in tears for most the night. I always think we "fight" well- it is more of a discussion and we usually figure it out before it gets too drawn out. Sometimes though, it just ends with him being mad, me crying and/or at least one of us just going off and sleeping somewhere. I don't think that's really bad. It gives us a chance to clear our heads and pull our thoughts together and figure it out later. I think that's what happened last night. In the end, it's all okay. We're together and on the same page with things and we just have to keep figuring stuff out.
Strangely, last night I felt some strength rising in me. A take charge kind of feeling I hadn't felt for a long time. Instead of thinking I have to give in or smooth things over, I felt like I needed to say this is it, this is how things are going to go. I even almost felt like I matter and what I think and feel matters. Sometimes I think the thing that bugs Jeff the most is that I treat myself like it doesn't or I don't.
I suppose the reason I'm such a people pleaser/peace maker is that my biggest fear is losing the person. I don't know why this would extend to people I don't care about losing, but that's not the topic today. In some way, last night I felt like I matter enough that if losing the other person is the consequence of me mattering, then so be it. I felt a need, maybe even an ability?, to defend myself. (I should note here that a lot of this fight, at this point, was within me, not with or against him). I felt strong enough to, at least in my own mind, throw off all the people and expectations and say what needs to be. It's getting it from my head to reality that's the problem.
2 comments:
It sounds like you are doing really well. Coming to the point that you stand up and say,"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" is a big accomplishment. You're doing good. When everyone else realizes that you are willing to fight for yourself, they will begin to back up and give you what you want.
So, good for you.!!!
I agree with your mom on this one. I think you are making a progress when you feel empowered to say exactly what you want to say, especially when its to your spouse. Maybe its those mommy genes and the rights of heaven descending on you.
I had a conversation with my husband this evening that was not pleasant, but I felt like I needed to say what was on my mind. Even though its hard on him, I think he appreciates my frank honesty. We also go to bed stewing sometimes, but I think its right for us to have some time away instead of talking while we both feel intense emotions. Some people say never go to bed upset at each other, but for us, that isn't reality or healthy. We always talk better when we have both had a break to think things through.
I'm sorry to hear about your sinuses. I hated having sinus problems late in the pregnancy. Its so miserable! I sympathize big time.
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