I always tell myself my feelings are wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. This is a bad emotion.
I guess I believe- from somewhere- that feelings are just a flight or fancy and should be controlled and watched over. They really aren't that important.
I don't really believe that, but I think it's part of my wiring or something.
One of my thoughts as I considered new year resolutions this year was that as I become a mother, I need to give myself some credit. Not only do my children need to see me as a real and valid person (ie. not criticising every thought and feeling and acting like I'm in the wrong) for the whole respect and discipline thing, but I think it's somehow important for their self esteem to have a mother they can look up to and have confidence in. That confidence needs to start in me for myself.
As we prepared to move and take this big step, I also told myself that it's more important now than ever to share my feelings with Jeff- even if they are stupid or wrong or whatever- so that I don't disappear as a person. So that I validate myself and even just to keep communication open and flowing with him.
I've felt a lot of things lately. It's just hard living with other people. Some of what I feel, or at least where it's coming from, is quite valid. Some of it probably is just adjusting or even hormones. Some of it may be petty or silly really. I'm getting better at just saying it anyway.
Other things that I'm struggling with emotionally go so much further than that. It's spiritual and big and grand and logical and psychological. As I get caught up in these issues, it's so hard to express it all. I want him (or anyone else) to know the grandness, the importance of it. But how do you express that?
Sometimes I'm surprised that things that feel so tangibly right or wrong to me are not seen the same by other people. Sometimes I have to just realize that what affects one person in one way, affects someone else completely differently. So what do you do about that when it's significant people that see significant things differently?
In the last week, I've come to the conclusion that there are things in my life I just have to insist on. I've got to start taking better care of myself and recognizing some of my needs. And as baby time gets closer and closer, there are things I feel I have to insist on for her. I'm the mother and no one else knows what needs are there.
It's a big step when I'm just thinking I'm getting comfortable expressing what feels like little emotions to insisting on big, life changing, life important things. Any advice?
5 comments:
You are such a sweet and considerate and thoughtful person. I know there are times when you agonize over things internally because you don't want to hurt anyone. This is an admirable quality, and it will be important you are thoughtful and considerate when dealing with your children. Your soft temperament will endear them to you, so try not to be so hard on yourself because you are the way you are.
When it comes to having very critical issues within a marriage discussed, I think all you can do sometimes is express your point of view, and then pray really hard that your husband will see the light if its the right thing.
I have seen this process happen time and time again with my parents. My mom would feel very strongly about something, feel that it is best for the family, and my dad wouldn't get on the boat easily. She would pray really hard that the spirit would soften his heart and he would see the truth and feel the impression, and inevitably he would come around and change his mind so he agree'd with her.
In our experience, things that I know are based in truth have been hard for my husband to accept at times. I just move forward, keeping my testimony and point of view very clear, and then I wait for him to climb on board. He does eventually once he sees that my actions have produced positive results.
Pray, have faith, ask for heart softening. Thats my advice. :)
And get happy. You will be so happy when the baby comes...and all of these things will melt away and you will feel like your husband has changed, and you have changed, and nothing will ever be the same again.
I am so proud of you and excited for you! WAY TO GO!!!
I recently learned through some hard knocks more or less, that the guilt, the self questioning, the self doubt, the what if's... are a form of self abuse. It's a vicious cycle that we need to stop. It's self-inflicted. You can have feelings, logical or not. That's where I really struggle, is when my emotions don't match my logic. Logic has it's place in live but you can't be a good wife and a mom living only with logic. Emotions are a huge part of who we are as women, wives, mothers, it makes us the soft place to land and makes us feel good about what we've done at the end of the day. If we did one thing to make our honey smile or get someone to clean their room without a huge argument. We'll then we've done our jobs.
Being a mom and a wife and a woman, well if you think about it, it's not all logical, you can't rethink everything, you can't evaluate every situation you're just going to have to have faith in God that you're being prompted and listen to that. Trust yourself because you have too. You're going to have a little munchkin that is going to trust in you completely and wholey. You need to do that too. You need to be able to say to her someday, I may not have been perfect but I did everything out of love. That's all that matters.
You're a soft, caring, compassionate person, you worry too much. I think we all do. I'm trying to let go of it. It's not so easy. But I have to remember that I'm the adult, I have feelings and they're valid, and just because I'm outnumbered doesn't mean they don't matter.
One thing at a time, one day at a time and just know it'll all work out the way it's suppose too. Knowing that has been my knot at the end of my rope. Knowing that God knows more than I do, and that things will work out the way their are suppose too.
Relax, enjoy, this time is too precious to waste worrying.
sorry for the typo's that makes me nuts too... and I can't fix them... ugh! lol
In my philosophy class we have been reading fairy tales. In Cinderella we have a women who is supposed to be lady of the house, yet she degrades herself in order to be the good girl. She is truly kind and compassionate, but is she really helping her step-mother and sisters by playing the cinder girl?
The girl in the story meets the fairy-godmother, but this magical helper actually rarely fixes all problems, she sometimes poses more obstacles. Meet the prince. Don't get caught. Be home by midnight. And then? What next? The fairy-godmother fails to answer this question, she provides no miracles the morning after. But by this point Cinderella no longer needs help to face the step-mother, by now she's strong enough.
Maybe your baby is also you fairy-godmother.
Post a Comment