Feelings, nothing? more than feelings

I always tell myself my feelings are wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. This is a bad emotion.
I guess I believe- from somewhere- that feelings are just a flight or fancy and should be controlled and watched over. They really aren't that important.
I don't really believe that, but I think it's part of my wiring or something.
One of my thoughts as I considered new year resolutions this year was that as I become a mother, I need to give myself some credit. Not only do my children need to see me as a real and valid person (ie. not criticising every thought and feeling and acting like I'm in the wrong) for the whole respect and discipline thing, but I think it's somehow important for their self esteem to have a mother they can look up to and have confidence in. That confidence needs to start in me for myself.
As we prepared to move and take this big step, I also told myself that it's more important now than ever to share my feelings with Jeff- even if they are stupid or wrong or whatever- so that I don't disappear as a person. So that I validate myself and even just to keep communication open and flowing with him.
I've felt a lot of things lately. It's just hard living with other people. Some of what I feel, or at least where it's coming from, is quite valid. Some of it probably is just adjusting or even hormones. Some of it may be petty or silly really. I'm getting better at just saying it anyway.
Other things that I'm struggling with emotionally go so much further than that. It's spiritual and big and grand and logical and psychological. As I get caught up in these issues, it's so hard to express it all. I want him (or anyone else) to know the grandness, the importance of it. But how do you express that?
Sometimes I'm surprised that things that feel so tangibly right or wrong to me are not seen the same by other people. Sometimes I have to just realize that what affects one person in one way, affects someone else completely differently. So what do you do about that when it's significant people that see significant things differently?

In the last week, I've come to the conclusion that there are things in my life I just have to insist on. I've got to start taking better care of myself and recognizing some of my needs. And as baby time gets closer and closer, there are things I feel I have to insist on for her. I'm the mother and no one else knows what needs are there.
It's a big step when I'm just thinking I'm getting comfortable expressing what feels like little emotions to insisting on big, life changing, life important things. Any advice?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I am easily offended by people who give unsolicited advice and opinions. Such people usually have an air of superiority and are not talking to have a discussion but talking to hear themselves and be the boss. Even though I know I'm not, I often am left feeling stupid and inferior or at least like that's how these people see me.
Being a people pleaser/peace maker, sometimes it's my fault that people see or treat me this way. Often, I talk down about myself or act inferior because I don't want to make the other person feel bad or inferior or it's just easier than insisting on the fact that I'm right and they don't know what they are talking about.
Last night I decided it's time to start acting with a bit more self respect. Maybe if I treated myself like I'm "better than that" and acknowledge in myself that I'm smart and capable, it will come across, not in a superior way, but at least in a way that people won't talk down to me and try to control or boss certain parts of my life. It's helped already today just to have that thought in mind.
What's the saying? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me."

If you can't say something nice...

I think I haven't posted lately because I've been having a hard time and don't feel like I have much positive to say. It's really hard living with people and I feel so ungrateful even saying that. It's not like I don't like these people, it's just an adjustment. New rules, new surroundings, dogs everywhere. Plus I'm just really worn out being pregnant and have to just keep going and going. I even got sick within the first week or two of living there- it's a head cold and I'm over it for the most part, but I can't seem to get it out of my sinuses. I'm worried I'm allergic to all the dogs together, not to mention the gallons of perfumey stuff I inhale everyday at work. I really get annoyed by people I have to deal with at work- even the ones that don't smell "good." I even think mean thoughts!

Other than that, I don't suppose there's much to say about it. There's no point in complaining really. At least not "publicly." We are where we are and you just keep going forward.

Last night Jeff and I had a discussion about things that left me in tears for most the night. I always think we "fight" well- it is more of a discussion and we usually figure it out before it gets too drawn out. Sometimes though, it just ends with him being mad, me crying and/or at least one of us just going off and sleeping somewhere. I don't think that's really bad. It gives us a chance to clear our heads and pull our thoughts together and figure it out later. I think that's what happened last night. In the end, it's all okay. We're together and on the same page with things and we just have to keep figuring stuff out.

Strangely, last night I felt some strength rising in me. A take charge kind of feeling I hadn't felt for a long time. Instead of thinking I have to give in or smooth things over, I felt like I needed to say this is it, this is how things are going to go. I even almost felt like I matter and what I think and feel matters. Sometimes I think the thing that bugs Jeff the most is that I treat myself like it doesn't or I don't.

I suppose the reason I'm such a people pleaser/peace maker is that my biggest fear is losing the person. I don't know why this would extend to people I don't care about losing, but that's not the topic today. In some way, last night I felt like I matter enough that if losing the other person is the consequence of me mattering, then so be it. I felt a need, maybe even an ability?, to defend myself. (I should note here that a lot of this fight, at this point, was within me, not with or against him). I felt strong enough to, at least in my own mind, throw off all the people and expectations and say what needs to be. It's getting it from my head to reality that's the problem.

My Mumsy

Last night I went out with my mom. We went to a little diner place that has really good food and is quite inexpensive (I think). I ate pancakes- yum! One of the few real cravings I get. And we went to the fabric store and ShopKo to look at baby stuff. It's so much fun. There are so many pretty things! And yet, I get a bit confused because everything is so cute, I want this and that and something else, but at the same time can't settle and want to be a bit smart and frugal about things. Hmm...

I talk a lot to my mom. Sometimes I worry I tell her more than she wants to know. Sometimes I worry I'm too gossipy and judgemental. But I also think I'm just sorting through my head and it helps so much to have someone that listens and relates and talks back without trying to fix it or change my mind, but just understands.

I feel an especial need for my mom because I'm pregnant. For all the people I talk to and tell me their experiences, I feel like my mom's the only one who really knows. That's not to discount other people, it just seems like in things like this, you tend to be like your mom so she's a good one to go to for help. Besides, it's more comfortable telling her stuff than anyone else.

This isn't nearly as eloquent as I would like to be. I just thought I'd check in because I'm feeling really good today. Physically I feel better than I have in a while and mentally and emotionally I feel back on track. I think being with my mom has a lot to do with this. I'm excited and feel ready to take the next step. We've moved, now get settled and get ready for baby! That's a fun, relieved feeling to have finally. Thanks mom!