Last night was our first night in our new living situation. After work, I went to the apartment to get a few forgotten things we needed for the night and morning. I tried not to cry driving there knowing it's not home any more. I walked in the empty apartment without even the dog to greet me and started to cry. I stood in the doorway to our bedroom and cried, thinking of our little memories.
The day we moved in, we hadn't seen our actual apartment yet, just the model. They gave us our keys and a check list to go look before we signed the final agreement etc. When we walked into the empty apartment that day, we both had such a calm feeling of "this is home." I've loved walking in the neighborhood, just going in the "backyard." I loved the red brick wall on the patio. I loved having a patio! I loved my angled cupboards in the kitchen.
I didn't stay too long and drove out to Jeff's dad's house. When I got there, I think I felt scared to go in. I didn't want to cry in front of people, especially people who have been so generous to share their home with us. Luckily, Jeff came out to help me carry stuff and knew that I would be sad. He hugged me and talked me through it and the other boys came out to help carry stuff.
Jeff was excited to show me the room that he'd set up for us (he and his step dad moved our final big stuff to the house yesterday- the bed and chests of drawers and stuff we needed for the night). We went down stairs and looked around. Funny enough, when I walked in the room and Jeff was there, I still felt like I was home.
Our bed looks small, which is good because that means the room feels big. And against the wall you walk in facing, there is a pretty wooden vanity with shelves up the side of the mirror and drawers in the desk part. They were going to throw it away, but Jeff thought I would like it. It was great to have a place to set up my stuff. The sister who used to have the room had put those glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling and down some of the walls. When it's dark, they glow and it feels really cool.
After settling some of my stuff, I went up to have dinner. I was SO hungry by then it's no wonder I was crying. Everyone else had already eaten, but the food was still set out on the counter so I could get dinner. What a relief to have someone else think it up and lay it out. They've planned sandwich nights all week to make the moving and working everyone is doing a bit easier. They also had four different kinds of jello. I don't know why, but jello is even better being pregnant. I think it's sweet and wet (I get very hungry for fruit for this reason too) and it supposedly has good protein (I'll just believe it, I've never read the label).
I ate and sat on the couch with everybody around watching t.v. We haven't had any t.v. in at least 4 months. It's sad to admit it, but I've missed it and was glad to be watching anything- even commercials- and didn't care what it was. I relaxed a lot.
When we went to bed, I got in bed while Jeff was checking something to do with the computer (we now have internet again because we can connect to theirs wirelessly). I lay down and ahhhh! I said, hey, this is my bed. It felt so good.
Being in the basement, there are a lot of stairs for a pregnant lady. We were the last ones to go to bed so we turned off all the lights and the house was pretty dark. There is a light on the stairs but we hadn't turned in on yet. The dog (our dog) went down first and suddenly we heard a quick thump, thump, thump. It's mean, but we both laughed at the thought of her tripping down the stairs. When I got up at my normal 2 o'clock to go to the bathroom, it was a long way up the stairs, but I must admit, the thought was worse than actually doing it. I slept really well last night.
This morning when my alarm went off, I didn't want to get out of bed until I knew I could get in the bathroom. I was sure I heard water and waited for a long time thinking someone sure takes long showers. Finally we got up because one of the dogs came down to find our dog and they were making really weird noises on both sides of our door. We jumped up thinking we better get Niobe outside.
In a way, it helped to have such a busy house in the morning. I tried to hurry and do what I needed so that others can do what they needed. Nicely, they were all hurrying to get out of my way. It all went smoothly and by the time I was dressed, everyone was gone except me, Jeff's dad (who is starting a new job next week), Jeff and all the dogs. I ate shredded wheat for breakfast and was able to make a good fat sandwhich on wheat bread for lunch.
I think we're going to be okay.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Down and Up
Believe it or not, I'm trying to have a good attitude and not complain, but I think if I don't talk myself through this, I may go insane :)
Officially, we started moving out last weekend. We took mom's couch back to her and left my beautiful painting, thankfully, in her custody. We started packing boxes. Monday, Jeff spent the day at his dad's house to help clear out an old shed and start building two new ones they bought. I dropped Jeff off on my way to work and picked him up after. We ended up staying for dinner and even though Monday was surprisingly calm, I expected a busy hard day, so was okay with not getting much (okay, getting any) packing done.
Monday night, I didn't sleep at all. My stomach hurt from eating garlic and onions (smart move there) and my muscles were achy. Tuesday was a harder day this week than Monday. By the time I got home, I was crying, not for any emotional reason, but just because I was tired. Jeff told me not to worry about packing (not a smart move either I'm sure) and made dinner and took care of me. This was very nice, but by last night, I was getting really nervous about packing and moving.
His mom and step dad are about the only ones we know with trucks, trailers etc and they are going to be out of town the next few weekends. This means his mom wants to move us Friday. We are so dependent on other people it's driving me crazy. Friday may or may not work because of my lack of packing but also because the shed building thing is not going so quickly and that's where a lot of our stuff will be going. Also, until the sheds are built, his dad and step mom can't finish cleaning out our room because it's mostly used as storage now. So when we have help to move us, we may not have a place to move it to. I feel like I'm going in circles.
Anyway, last night I insisted on getting some packing done. I felt like I accomplished so much in relatively little time. But then I stopped and looked around and we're still not ready to go! And my back and stomach hurt so much just from what I did, I couldn't go any more. Jeff is really good to help, but I keep feeling, perhaps wrongly or being too controlling, that I need to do it so I know where my stuff is and can be organized about it.
I have a beautiful roll top desk I got for Christmas when I was in junior high. Ideally, I'd like to have it in our room, becuase it is special and highly practical. But, there may not be room. One goal last night was to finish cleaning it out. I feel like it's a treasure chest. I try to keep it mostly practical, but it also houses things like coloring books and little games and stationary that make me happy. Thinking of what I need versus what can be stored or given away was quite difficult. We don't know how long we'll be there, but kind of have a year in our head because time goes by fast and we do have to get a baby here etc. A year from now, my life will be completely different. I will probably be completely different. How do I know what I'll wish I had and what I won't? If it's just going in storage anyway, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't seem worth keeping. All of this combined to make me very sad. I cried as I packed, threw away, and tried to treasure my little things.
I hope it doesn't sound too worldly. I never think of myself as a material person. That's why the things I do have are so special. They are my treasures. They are what will someday, again, make my home my home. That's not so wrong is it?!
After the desk, I took some pictures off the wall and packed away my books, journals, scriptures- my real treasures that I want to make sure I have available and are taken care of. Once the pictures come off the wall, it really feels empty to me. But by this point, I'd pulled my emotions together and was focused on being productive. I packed some more boxes and then, feeling done for, just wanted to make sure I had what baby stuff we do have put together. Also some important stuff right now. I knew I had a few little treasures stowed away in my cedar chest and wanted to make sure I got those out, not knowing where the cedar chest will live for a while either. That was a fun box to look into!
I didn't have as much in it as I thought. But I do have a sweatshirt I got when my grandma died, purely for sentimental reasons. It's what she wore a lot before she died and I wanted it because it's how I remembered her (I was 10). I also have a couple dolls my mom made for me when I was little. I was awed at the time and talent she put into them. I have a little stuffed dog that's about worn out- like my Velveteen rabbit- that I slept with while my parents were in Hawaii when I was about 9. My mom took one dog and I took the other so that we would stay connected that way. His name is Caramel Cashew and hers was Hot Fudge Sundae.
And then the baby things. I had more than I remembered. I have a few books I've somehow collected and was so happy to see. The B book by Dr. Seuss (not to be sacreligious, but I've never been a big fan of the doc. I do love this book though). And one little critter book that even Jeff got excited about, called "Just go to Bed." A book by Oscar the Grouch titled "How to be a Grouch." And, a beautiful Stephen Cosgrove book. And I had a few outfits.
What I originally got in there for was a present, still wrapped in beautiful tissue paper, I knew I had tucked away. I had been invited to a baby shower for someone in the ward and bought the present and had it all pretty and ready to go. I don't remember if my grandpa was just going into the resthome (he'd been sick and in the hospital and they would only release him to somewhere he could have constant care) or if he was just coming home from the rest home. Either way, we weren't sure how long he would live. My aunt lives in Elko and she needed to come up to Salt Lake and the only way (or best way) she could get here was if my mom drove down and picked her up. I went with my mom and missed the baby shower.
Perhaps it sounds lame, but for whatever reason (probably grandpa and family things), I never did get the present to whoever was having the baby shower. I don't remember her now but I do remember this weekend. So, eventually, I tucked away the present thinking I would give it to myself someday. I didn't remember what was in the present either, but I did know it was for a girl.
Last night I opened the present. I had a little tiny pair of pink mittens with white hearts on them, some striped socks, and the outfit is a soft, fleecy, pink outfit size 18 months. It's SO cute and I think will be about the right size at the right time. Even Jeff thought the mittens were cute.
So, the times they are a changing... is that what people say. This morning I was trying to talk myself into a good attitude as I got to work. I paused for a moment and had to admit I'm doing surprisingly well with all the stress and change in my life right now. Maybe I should give myself some credit.
Officially, we started moving out last weekend. We took mom's couch back to her and left my beautiful painting, thankfully, in her custody. We started packing boxes. Monday, Jeff spent the day at his dad's house to help clear out an old shed and start building two new ones they bought. I dropped Jeff off on my way to work and picked him up after. We ended up staying for dinner and even though Monday was surprisingly calm, I expected a busy hard day, so was okay with not getting much (okay, getting any) packing done.
Monday night, I didn't sleep at all. My stomach hurt from eating garlic and onions (smart move there) and my muscles were achy. Tuesday was a harder day this week than Monday. By the time I got home, I was crying, not for any emotional reason, but just because I was tired. Jeff told me not to worry about packing (not a smart move either I'm sure) and made dinner and took care of me. This was very nice, but by last night, I was getting really nervous about packing and moving.
His mom and step dad are about the only ones we know with trucks, trailers etc and they are going to be out of town the next few weekends. This means his mom wants to move us Friday. We are so dependent on other people it's driving me crazy. Friday may or may not work because of my lack of packing but also because the shed building thing is not going so quickly and that's where a lot of our stuff will be going. Also, until the sheds are built, his dad and step mom can't finish cleaning out our room because it's mostly used as storage now. So when we have help to move us, we may not have a place to move it to. I feel like I'm going in circles.
Anyway, last night I insisted on getting some packing done. I felt like I accomplished so much in relatively little time. But then I stopped and looked around and we're still not ready to go! And my back and stomach hurt so much just from what I did, I couldn't go any more. Jeff is really good to help, but I keep feeling, perhaps wrongly or being too controlling, that I need to do it so I know where my stuff is and can be organized about it.
I have a beautiful roll top desk I got for Christmas when I was in junior high. Ideally, I'd like to have it in our room, becuase it is special and highly practical. But, there may not be room. One goal last night was to finish cleaning it out. I feel like it's a treasure chest. I try to keep it mostly practical, but it also houses things like coloring books and little games and stationary that make me happy. Thinking of what I need versus what can be stored or given away was quite difficult. We don't know how long we'll be there, but kind of have a year in our head because time goes by fast and we do have to get a baby here etc. A year from now, my life will be completely different. I will probably be completely different. How do I know what I'll wish I had and what I won't? If it's just going in storage anyway, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't seem worth keeping. All of this combined to make me very sad. I cried as I packed, threw away, and tried to treasure my little things.
I hope it doesn't sound too worldly. I never think of myself as a material person. That's why the things I do have are so special. They are my treasures. They are what will someday, again, make my home my home. That's not so wrong is it?!
After the desk, I took some pictures off the wall and packed away my books, journals, scriptures- my real treasures that I want to make sure I have available and are taken care of. Once the pictures come off the wall, it really feels empty to me. But by this point, I'd pulled my emotions together and was focused on being productive. I packed some more boxes and then, feeling done for, just wanted to make sure I had what baby stuff we do have put together. Also some important stuff right now. I knew I had a few little treasures stowed away in my cedar chest and wanted to make sure I got those out, not knowing where the cedar chest will live for a while either. That was a fun box to look into!
I didn't have as much in it as I thought. But I do have a sweatshirt I got when my grandma died, purely for sentimental reasons. It's what she wore a lot before she died and I wanted it because it's how I remembered her (I was 10). I also have a couple dolls my mom made for me when I was little. I was awed at the time and talent she put into them. I have a little stuffed dog that's about worn out- like my Velveteen rabbit- that I slept with while my parents were in Hawaii when I was about 9. My mom took one dog and I took the other so that we would stay connected that way. His name is Caramel Cashew and hers was Hot Fudge Sundae.
And then the baby things. I had more than I remembered. I have a few books I've somehow collected and was so happy to see. The B book by Dr. Seuss (not to be sacreligious, but I've never been a big fan of the doc. I do love this book though). And one little critter book that even Jeff got excited about, called "Just go to Bed." A book by Oscar the Grouch titled "How to be a Grouch." And, a beautiful Stephen Cosgrove book. And I had a few outfits.
What I originally got in there for was a present, still wrapped in beautiful tissue paper, I knew I had tucked away. I had been invited to a baby shower for someone in the ward and bought the present and had it all pretty and ready to go. I don't remember if my grandpa was just going into the resthome (he'd been sick and in the hospital and they would only release him to somewhere he could have constant care) or if he was just coming home from the rest home. Either way, we weren't sure how long he would live. My aunt lives in Elko and she needed to come up to Salt Lake and the only way (or best way) she could get here was if my mom drove down and picked her up. I went with my mom and missed the baby shower.
Perhaps it sounds lame, but for whatever reason (probably grandpa and family things), I never did get the present to whoever was having the baby shower. I don't remember her now but I do remember this weekend. So, eventually, I tucked away the present thinking I would give it to myself someday. I didn't remember what was in the present either, but I did know it was for a girl.
Last night I opened the present. I had a little tiny pair of pink mittens with white hearts on them, some striped socks, and the outfit is a soft, fleecy, pink outfit size 18 months. It's SO cute and I think will be about the right size at the right time. Even Jeff thought the mittens were cute.
So, the times they are a changing... is that what people say. This morning I was trying to talk myself into a good attitude as I got to work. I paused for a moment and had to admit I'm doing surprisingly well with all the stress and change in my life right now. Maybe I should give myself some credit.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Here we go....
We officially started moving this weekend. Once I get started, I just want it to be done. Our house is a mess, I'm exhausted, and there is still SO much to do. Both my mom and Jeff's mom asked if I'm okay and are quite concerned about this change for me. It's nice of them to be aware that this isn't easy for me, but, for the record, yes, I'm okay. It's going to be different, but I've come to terms with things (I hope) and am looking forward.
Did I mention there's yet another dog living where we're going? Jeff's dad bought a Shitzu with his tax return money. He plans to use him for breeding and make some money that way. It is the cutest little teddy bear/Ewok faced thing I've ever seen. He's tiny and fluffy and mostly black, so you can't even see his face from a distance. We've had our dog over there a bit lately and although she's the biggest, she definitely doesn't rule the nest. Luckily, she gets along with the new one pretty well. The chihuahuas on the other hand, just aren't liked by anyone from my house and the feeling seems to be mutual.
Saturday we went to a Valentine's dinner with Jeff's dad's church. It was at a restaurant but we had our own room reserved. They played games and served the food buffet style. It was fun and today I'm craving the shredded beef they had for the tacos. I think I'm needing protein today anyway. It's one of those days I just can't seem to eat enough.
A couple weeks ago, at about 5 in the morning, Jeff came in and said "here, hold this" and put something soft and fuzzy in my hand, which happened to be close to my face. Being asleep, my thoughts were not quite coherent. I thought, our dog is not that small, she's not having puppies- I am, did he find a cat? Once I woke up, I realized it was a small Valentine bear. It is so cute (cuter than the Shitzu!). It's white with a red nose, red hearts on it's paws and a bow with dangling hearts that say Be Mine around it's neck. I bought Jeff a card and tried to say something I just really want him to get about how I feel about him and some candy.
Last Thursday, I went to the doctor. I had to do a glucose test for gestational diabetes. It wasn't as bad as I had worried it could be. I went in fasting and had to drink an orange, carbonated sugar drink. The first taste was okay but the after taste was blek. I had 5 minutes to drink it all and it looked small enough I thought that was plenty of time. Jeff kept watch on his clock and the time flew by. I finished it right on time. I got pretty shakey, light headed and giggly. Then the baby started bouncing all over my tummy. But I survived. And the results are in and the sugar and the iron all look normal. Yay! I was a bit concerned about the diabetic stuff. But I'm trying to take care of myself :)
Today is surprisingly calm for a Monday. It's kind of nice, except I can barely stay awake. If I was busy (and often annoyed on Monday), at least it keeps me going :) I still have plenty to do, so I better get to it.
Did I mention there's yet another dog living where we're going? Jeff's dad bought a Shitzu with his tax return money. He plans to use him for breeding and make some money that way. It is the cutest little teddy bear/Ewok faced thing I've ever seen. He's tiny and fluffy and mostly black, so you can't even see his face from a distance. We've had our dog over there a bit lately and although she's the biggest, she definitely doesn't rule the nest. Luckily, she gets along with the new one pretty well. The chihuahuas on the other hand, just aren't liked by anyone from my house and the feeling seems to be mutual.
Saturday we went to a Valentine's dinner with Jeff's dad's church. It was at a restaurant but we had our own room reserved. They played games and served the food buffet style. It was fun and today I'm craving the shredded beef they had for the tacos. I think I'm needing protein today anyway. It's one of those days I just can't seem to eat enough.
A couple weeks ago, at about 5 in the morning, Jeff came in and said "here, hold this" and put something soft and fuzzy in my hand, which happened to be close to my face. Being asleep, my thoughts were not quite coherent. I thought, our dog is not that small, she's not having puppies- I am, did he find a cat? Once I woke up, I realized it was a small Valentine bear. It is so cute (cuter than the Shitzu!). It's white with a red nose, red hearts on it's paws and a bow with dangling hearts that say Be Mine around it's neck. I bought Jeff a card and tried to say something I just really want him to get about how I feel about him and some candy.
Last Thursday, I went to the doctor. I had to do a glucose test for gestational diabetes. It wasn't as bad as I had worried it could be. I went in fasting and had to drink an orange, carbonated sugar drink. The first taste was okay but the after taste was blek. I had 5 minutes to drink it all and it looked small enough I thought that was plenty of time. Jeff kept watch on his clock and the time flew by. I finished it right on time. I got pretty shakey, light headed and giggly. Then the baby started bouncing all over my tummy. But I survived. And the results are in and the sugar and the iron all look normal. Yay! I was a bit concerned about the diabetic stuff. But I'm trying to take care of myself :)
Today is surprisingly calm for a Monday. It's kind of nice, except I can barely stay awake. If I was busy (and often annoyed on Monday), at least it keeps me going :) I still have plenty to do, so I better get to it.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Your opinion doesn't smell good
A few people in the last while have asked me something about my baby- what we're naming her, what colors we're using etc. Fun stuff to talk about right? Well, these few people, and perhaps I'm just too sensitive, after I tell them the answer, look at me like I'm completely stupid. Is that not incredibly rude?!?!
What's funny is, it's probably the first time that I don't feel stupid at all for my opinion and feel completely sure that the other person is the one with the "wrong opinion." Think whatever you want, but to express it or let it be known, especially when you are talking about something so special as the other person's baby, really does make you the jerk with no manners and what does your opinion matter anyway!?
It would be nice if I could get strong enough in myself to fend off such stupid people.
What's funny is, it's probably the first time that I don't feel stupid at all for my opinion and feel completely sure that the other person is the one with the "wrong opinion." Think whatever you want, but to express it or let it be known, especially when you are talking about something so special as the other person's baby, really does make you the jerk with no manners and what does your opinion matter anyway!?
It would be nice if I could get strong enough in myself to fend off such stupid people.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Wishes and Fishes
I was quite uplifted and inspired by BennyK's blog about posthumous classes. What a great way to get out of this world and think about what really matters and what we really want to be doing! I also found Heather's recent blog about the recession and her kids to be quite thought provoking (although I didn't know what to say and didn't comment).
Yesterday at work, a few people were talking about helping their teenagers get cars. One girl was saying that she'd like to help them get a new, reliable car, something inexpensive, that could help build their credit, teach them responsibility, and be dependable when they go off to college. Another guy was saying that he pays his daughter's insurance as long as she is getting good grades etc. He's also helping with his son's college and getting ready to send him on a mission.
Another girl at work has had her husband working in Alaska or Canada? on and off for the past few months. They were married last March. I think I'd go crazy having my husband gone like that! But, he has a really good job that he worked hard through school to get and, I heard her tell someone, he's making as much money doing this project as she'll make this whole year, so that kind of makes it worth it.
I know I'm a judgemental person. I don't mean to be in a negative way. I just find things interesting and different things like this hit me in different ways, which helps me to know what I think and feel. That's usually my point when I talk about people- it's really supposed to be about me, not them.
I just felt like these few overheard conversations/statements made me realize how little I want money to be a part of my motivation. I think that's easy to say when you have enough, but when you don't, it's really hard to live with. Besides, some things are worth working for.
I've been reading a book from Mom about wishing. So far, it's really about being clear about what you want and believing that you can have it. We seem to get so bogged down in "reality" and "THE recession" and day to day survival, that it's hard to remember that not only do we WANT to study surfing, trapeze, cooking, and quantum physics, but we think we can't and that life HAS to be hard and punitive or something.
The point I'm really trying to make with all these random thoughts is that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I tend to value in myself my ability to rise up when the going gets tough and make decisions and, in some way, take charge of things. I almost feel my thoughts taking shape in that way.
I believe that kids, teenagers don't NEED their own cars.
I believe that a husband at home is more important than making lots of money (I also believe that supporting each other in career goals etc is important so it's subjective to the situation).
I believe that learning and study and reaching our potential is what life should really be about.
What classes do I want to look forward to in the afterlife? What do I want to learn and be and do without waiting for the afterlife, or even the after-now?
What do I wish for?
It's coming. It's hard to hear in the noise, but I'm getting somewhere...
Yesterday at work, a few people were talking about helping their teenagers get cars. One girl was saying that she'd like to help them get a new, reliable car, something inexpensive, that could help build their credit, teach them responsibility, and be dependable when they go off to college. Another guy was saying that he pays his daughter's insurance as long as she is getting good grades etc. He's also helping with his son's college and getting ready to send him on a mission.
Another girl at work has had her husband working in Alaska or Canada? on and off for the past few months. They were married last March. I think I'd go crazy having my husband gone like that! But, he has a really good job that he worked hard through school to get and, I heard her tell someone, he's making as much money doing this project as she'll make this whole year, so that kind of makes it worth it.
I know I'm a judgemental person. I don't mean to be in a negative way. I just find things interesting and different things like this hit me in different ways, which helps me to know what I think and feel. That's usually my point when I talk about people- it's really supposed to be about me, not them.
I just felt like these few overheard conversations/statements made me realize how little I want money to be a part of my motivation. I think that's easy to say when you have enough, but when you don't, it's really hard to live with. Besides, some things are worth working for.
I've been reading a book from Mom about wishing. So far, it's really about being clear about what you want and believing that you can have it. We seem to get so bogged down in "reality" and "THE recession" and day to day survival, that it's hard to remember that not only do we WANT to study surfing, trapeze, cooking, and quantum physics, but we think we can't and that life HAS to be hard and punitive or something.
The point I'm really trying to make with all these random thoughts is that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I tend to value in myself my ability to rise up when the going gets tough and make decisions and, in some way, take charge of things. I almost feel my thoughts taking shape in that way.
I believe that kids, teenagers don't NEED their own cars.
I believe that a husband at home is more important than making lots of money (I also believe that supporting each other in career goals etc is important so it's subjective to the situation).
I believe that learning and study and reaching our potential is what life should really be about.
What classes do I want to look forward to in the afterlife? What do I want to learn and be and do without waiting for the afterlife, or even the after-now?
What do I wish for?
It's coming. It's hard to hear in the noise, but I'm getting somewhere...
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