Life is hard. Sometimes it's yucky and just not fun. Sometimes it hurts and you have to do it anyway. It's scary and sad and sometimes you just want to run and hide in a hole and not come out for days. I was going to say you have to eat your vegetables, whether you like them or not, but Heather said it better about brocolli. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever had to keep going and not quit. If I'm a strong person who does what has to be done, or if I give up too easily?
On the other hand...
I've seen people hold on just because, in spite of the lack of fulfillment, it's just easier or more comfortable than letting go. People stay in relationships, even marry, when they aren't really in love, but it's safe. How many people do you know who go to work and hate their jobs? I often feel like we keep going in life because someone else said this is how it is and we're all just stuck with it (think about going shopping even. As mudder says, you're kinda stuck just taking what someone else is selling). To these things I say let's get brave! Let's stand up and start a revolution and do what really matters, what is satisfying, what is right and good, and be brave enough to fly, even when the height or letting go of the ground is scary.
So how do you know when you need to just toughen up and bite the bullet and all that? Or if you need to just save yourself and not go down with a sinking ship?
I was talking to Jeff this morning about some of this kind of stuff. He's so good for me. I really value the way he looks at things and life. As I drove to work, I had all this going through my head. I thought that maybe the trick is to just really know what you value and stick to it. That's not as easy as it sounds I guess- like I say, even shopping seems to dictate to you what you want, need, can have etc. But maybe, if we had the few important things in the forefront of our lives, then all the have to's would fall in to place and all the stuff we hold onto without reason, would fall out.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Yay! I was tagged!
The Rules of the game are posted at the beginning
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 4 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
10 years ago
I was still living at home, we’d just moved from Rose Park to Sugar House. I transferred from SLCC to Westminster in January and to the U in the fall- just getting started on my major…
5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Keep breathing and stay awake
2. Catch up from yesterday (work, work, work- about fifty things on THAT to do list!)
3. Avoid making dinner (probably spend money we don’t have on unhealthy fast food).
4. Wash dishes
5. Read
5 Snacks I enjoy:
Citrus fruit lately
Doughnuts
Cookies
Cereal
Ice-cream
What would I do if I were suddenly made a billionaire:
Aaah, breathe! Pay off our debts. Buy a cute house. Help out family. Put enough in savings that the interest would make up for my income because I’d stay home and have babies.
5 places I have lived:
1. Rose Park
2. SugarHouse
3. My cute sunny studio apartment
4. Our pretty, sunny apartment
5. All in Utah
5 jobs I have had
1. Tutor
2. Supplemental Instructor (it was more than tutoring but less than teaching)
3. Math teacher
4. Whatever it is I do now
5. A short stint at a flower store for Valentine’s day
5 things people don't know about me:
This really is a hard question…
1. I kinda like watching WWE (wrestling) with Jeff
2. Sometimes I feel very strong and very grounded-in life, myself, what I’m doing. Sometimes- a lot of times- I feel lost and unsure and like I have to wait for something outside myself (parents, God, spouse, boss) to tell me what I’m doing.
3. I’m afraid of most things.
4. I think camouflage is really cool.
5. I love to sing when I’m alone.
So, ok...... I tag.... 1. Ben 2. Kiki 3. Gigi 4. umm….
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 4 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
10 years ago
I was still living at home, we’d just moved from Rose Park to Sugar House. I transferred from SLCC to Westminster in January and to the U in the fall- just getting started on my major…
5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Keep breathing and stay awake
2. Catch up from yesterday (work, work, work- about fifty things on THAT to do list!)
3. Avoid making dinner (probably spend money we don’t have on unhealthy fast food).
4. Wash dishes
5. Read
5 Snacks I enjoy:
Citrus fruit lately
Doughnuts
Cookies
Cereal
Ice-cream
What would I do if I were suddenly made a billionaire:
Aaah, breathe! Pay off our debts. Buy a cute house. Help out family. Put enough in savings that the interest would make up for my income because I’d stay home and have babies.
5 places I have lived:
1. Rose Park
2. SugarHouse
3. My cute sunny studio apartment
4. Our pretty, sunny apartment
5. All in Utah
5 jobs I have had
1. Tutor
2. Supplemental Instructor (it was more than tutoring but less than teaching)
3. Math teacher
4. Whatever it is I do now
5. A short stint at a flower store for Valentine’s day
5 things people don't know about me:
This really is a hard question…
1. I kinda like watching WWE (wrestling) with Jeff
2. Sometimes I feel very strong and very grounded-in life, myself, what I’m doing. Sometimes- a lot of times- I feel lost and unsure and like I have to wait for something outside myself (parents, God, spouse, boss) to tell me what I’m doing.
3. I’m afraid of most things.
4. I think camouflage is really cool.
5. I love to sing when I’m alone.
So, ok...... I tag.... 1. Ben 2. Kiki 3. Gigi 4. umm….
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My Advice
For some reason, I was thinking about age on my way to work this morning. I honestly couldn't remember how old I was. When I thought I knew, I couldn't remember if that was what I just turned or if that's what I will be on my next birthday. Then I couldn't remember how old my husband is. Finally I stopped thinking about it because it really doesn't matter and I didn't have a reason to care. My conclusion was that age is a matter of happiness.
I have a friend or two that grew up so fast, made some not so smart decisions and then, when faced with a 30th birthday insisted, because isn't that funny?, that we are getting so old. Frankly, the friend I'm thinking of, does look old. It's like she lived half her life by the time she was 25 and now has years just to age... And I'm not really being critical of her choices, we all do dumb things and you really never know what you would do in a situation until it's there. I just don't think she's ever really been happy. I think that is what aged her. On the other hand, I know someone who married and had the kids young, what they always tell us will age us, but she seems happy. She's young and has lots of energy etc etc etc.
It's just a thought and I don't know what it really matters.
There is an advice column I like to read when I happen upon it called Ask Prudence. I think her advice is usually quite sound and even the questions being asked are a little more thought provoking than articles I've read in magazines and such. Today I read some of it and the answers weren't as strong as I had hoped they would be. Perhaps I wanted her to tell them they were wrong or take a different stand on a few issues. But it made me wonder, who gets to write advice columns? It's always some doctor or expert, but even then, what makes them right? Why can't I be an advice columnist?
I've had this thought before. Maybe if I wrote the book, the magazine, the article, then I could take my own opinion more seriously or as having more authority. Shouldn't I be the one that's right in my own life more often than not?
I have a friend or two that grew up so fast, made some not so smart decisions and then, when faced with a 30th birthday insisted, because isn't that funny?, that we are getting so old. Frankly, the friend I'm thinking of, does look old. It's like she lived half her life by the time she was 25 and now has years just to age... And I'm not really being critical of her choices, we all do dumb things and you really never know what you would do in a situation until it's there. I just don't think she's ever really been happy. I think that is what aged her. On the other hand, I know someone who married and had the kids young, what they always tell us will age us, but she seems happy. She's young and has lots of energy etc etc etc.
It's just a thought and I don't know what it really matters.
There is an advice column I like to read when I happen upon it called Ask Prudence. I think her advice is usually quite sound and even the questions being asked are a little more thought provoking than articles I've read in magazines and such. Today I read some of it and the answers weren't as strong as I had hoped they would be. Perhaps I wanted her to tell them they were wrong or take a different stand on a few issues. But it made me wonder, who gets to write advice columns? It's always some doctor or expert, but even then, what makes them right? Why can't I be an advice columnist?
I've had this thought before. Maybe if I wrote the book, the magazine, the article, then I could take my own opinion more seriously or as having more authority. Shouldn't I be the one that's right in my own life more often than not?
Friday, January 18, 2008
Same old, same old... at least it's Friday
It's been a rough two weeks for me. I feel a need to talk and think and feel and, unfortunately, I think a lot of times my efforts come out as complaining.
Yesterday I had my first experience as a supervisor of people. I had to talk to someone about a job that someone else complained wasn't getting done. Frankly, I kind of thought the complainer was just being hard on the person because I know they don't like her and she was sick the last time this particular project was needed. Anyway, I was nervous about confronting the person but took the approach that this job is something that needs to get more organized anyway. The poor girl works so hard and if it's not getting done, it's just as much because she isn't given clear guidelines or expectations as anything.
Well, it all went fine. I think it was even constructive and I hope that some good things come of it to help this person as well as get the job done more effeciently even if it is for complaining people.
I have mixed emotions about things like this. On the one hand, I wanted to cry and not even approach it because confronting people is about the last thing I'd put on my dream job lost. In fact, it's probably what I would put on my definitely can't do list. But on the other side, my supervisor gave me the advice not to try to change myself too quickly (I had commented on being more assertive). She said I have a lot of qualities she thinks my few employees will respond well to and it's just a matter of learning to use that in a managerial type position. After this little confrontation that ended up not being confrontational because I am a peace maker, I felt strengthened. I felt like okay, I can learn something here and I AM capable of doing a good job.
Unfortunately, by the time I got back to my desk, I had four missed calls on my cell phone from Jeff and he was on the instant messenger saying fine, you're not there, I'm going to bed. I also, in the few minutes I had to spare during the day yesterday and checked my email, had emails from my mom about recipes and cooking with REAL wheat flour and more organic stuff etc. I didn't even have time to look at them let alone think about time to actual cook and plan meals and be domestic. These things frustrated and defeated me in a way. It's like what I really want to be doing is out there beckoning me, but life keeps putting confrontations on my to do list instead.
And probably my real point is, I feel SO WHIMPY! So many women work and be married and have kids and a life and etc and I feel like I can barely be married, take care of the dog and have a job. How can I do those things when I spend 8 hours a day here? How can I do a good job here when I have to keep answering the phone to talk to home? I really don't know how to do it. And I'm just getting started!
Yesterday I had my first experience as a supervisor of people. I had to talk to someone about a job that someone else complained wasn't getting done. Frankly, I kind of thought the complainer was just being hard on the person because I know they don't like her and she was sick the last time this particular project was needed. Anyway, I was nervous about confronting the person but took the approach that this job is something that needs to get more organized anyway. The poor girl works so hard and if it's not getting done, it's just as much because she isn't given clear guidelines or expectations as anything.
Well, it all went fine. I think it was even constructive and I hope that some good things come of it to help this person as well as get the job done more effeciently even if it is for complaining people.
I have mixed emotions about things like this. On the one hand, I wanted to cry and not even approach it because confronting people is about the last thing I'd put on my dream job lost. In fact, it's probably what I would put on my definitely can't do list. But on the other side, my supervisor gave me the advice not to try to change myself too quickly (I had commented on being more assertive). She said I have a lot of qualities she thinks my few employees will respond well to and it's just a matter of learning to use that in a managerial type position. After this little confrontation that ended up not being confrontational because I am a peace maker, I felt strengthened. I felt like okay, I can learn something here and I AM capable of doing a good job.
Unfortunately, by the time I got back to my desk, I had four missed calls on my cell phone from Jeff and he was on the instant messenger saying fine, you're not there, I'm going to bed. I also, in the few minutes I had to spare during the day yesterday and checked my email, had emails from my mom about recipes and cooking with REAL wheat flour and more organic stuff etc. I didn't even have time to look at them let alone think about time to actual cook and plan meals and be domestic. These things frustrated and defeated me in a way. It's like what I really want to be doing is out there beckoning me, but life keeps putting confrontations on my to do list instead.
And probably my real point is, I feel SO WHIMPY! So many women work and be married and have kids and a life and etc and I feel like I can barely be married, take care of the dog and have a job. How can I do those things when I spend 8 hours a day here? How can I do a good job here when I have to keep answering the phone to talk to home? I really don't know how to do it. And I'm just getting started!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Judgement Justified?
Saturday, Jeff and I were playing his game, World of Warcraft. It's an online game where you make a character, choosing professions, hair color and style, race (orcs, gnomes, elves), etc. You receive quests and earn rewards and money. You can work alone or get in groups with other actual people also playing the game on the internet. It's quite complex and a lot of fun, when I don't get frustrated.
Sometimes people chat, not in their own groups but on the general chat where everyone can see and is intended for people to find groups, advice, etc and their conversations get a bit... naughty, for lack of a better word. I've never seen anything really "bad," but they get kind of silly (I think a lot of the players are teenage boys so you can imagine what they get joking about). What really bothers me is when girls, as their characters, decide to dance in the town naked (the characters don't get completely naked, but you can get them down to their underwear. This is necessary (?) when, for example, you decide to get rid of a character but want to send your hard earned armor to a new/different character). The really silly thing is, 12-14 year old boys get excited about this. It's a cartoon game character!
Another activity on the game is battlegrounds. You or your group can sign up to do a battle. There are two sides, allied and horde. The battleground I've been able to do (I don't get leveled very high) is like Capture the Flag. It can be a lot of fun, it can also get very frustrating. People higher level than you can often wipe you out so fast you hardly get to play.
Anyway... I will get to a point eventually... Saturday we were playing battlegrounds. I was frustrated and in a bad mood from other things. One girl came along and wiped me out and had a name that was just dumb. Her name was Beermaiden and I kind of lost my cool. What kind of a "lady" or maiden is so happy about beer that she would name herself that? Not that I even care if people drink etc. I was being quite judgemental but it just reminded me of people I've known/do know that getting drunk and partying on the weekend is what they live for and I'm a prude or boring because I don't. I just got so defensive and upset over it. Jeff understands and is glad for my lack of partying but he really doesn't get why I care what other people do. I tried to explain that I was feeling a need to defend myself against judgement when he pointed out (thanks by the way, I needed to have it pointed out) that I was being judgemental in exactly the same way I was feeling a need to defend myself against.
I've been trying to think of my judging and getting past that, but that's another post entirely.
Last night we again played some battle grounds. Again a girl came along, this time on our team, with a name that just irked me. I won't share it, but it was something that could be taken to be very... risque? we'll say. Or maybe it wasn't, it's just that I live with a boy and, of course, my boy thought it was funny, didn't take it personally and went on to play the game. Just as I'm being offended, again, in my "judgemental" way... along came Beermaiden and killed me off.
I was again very upset and defensive. Jeff again thought I was too concerned with what other people are doing and I shouldn't let it bother me. He even said something that hurt my feelings. This morning I tried to explain how I feel, so that he gets that I'm not just being judgemental or prudish etc etc. He explained that he got upset seeing me upset when there's nothing he can do and it came out wrong. We're good that way. That, again, is not the point and would be another post.
My point is...??? When I see someone on the game with a name that makes boys think things, it's not just someone else doing their thing and I shouldn't let it bother me. They are talking to my sons, my nephews, my brothers, MY HUSBAND! should they happen to be playing the game and all they have to do is see her walk by and read her name (the names float above the characters' heads). Then it IS my business. And why should I not be offended that things that matter to me, my thoughts, opinions, values, things I try to treat with a certain respect, etc are treated so horribly? And, more importanly, HOW do I not let it bother me?
I hate closed mindedness and judgements and misunderstanding. I DON"T want to be that kind of person. Maybe I do take things too seriously and I am uptight and prudish. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it is. Maybe I am a negative person and I just don't know how to express myself at all, let alone in a positive and assertive way so that I can NOT be bothered by such dumb things.
Sometimes people chat, not in their own groups but on the general chat where everyone can see and is intended for people to find groups, advice, etc and their conversations get a bit... naughty, for lack of a better word. I've never seen anything really "bad," but they get kind of silly (I think a lot of the players are teenage boys so you can imagine what they get joking about). What really bothers me is when girls, as their characters, decide to dance in the town naked (the characters don't get completely naked, but you can get them down to their underwear. This is necessary (?) when, for example, you decide to get rid of a character but want to send your hard earned armor to a new/different character). The really silly thing is, 12-14 year old boys get excited about this. It's a cartoon game character!
Another activity on the game is battlegrounds. You or your group can sign up to do a battle. There are two sides, allied and horde. The battleground I've been able to do (I don't get leveled very high) is like Capture the Flag. It can be a lot of fun, it can also get very frustrating. People higher level than you can often wipe you out so fast you hardly get to play.
Anyway... I will get to a point eventually... Saturday we were playing battlegrounds. I was frustrated and in a bad mood from other things. One girl came along and wiped me out and had a name that was just dumb. Her name was Beermaiden and I kind of lost my cool. What kind of a "lady" or maiden is so happy about beer that she would name herself that? Not that I even care if people drink etc. I was being quite judgemental but it just reminded me of people I've known/do know that getting drunk and partying on the weekend is what they live for and I'm a prude or boring because I don't. I just got so defensive and upset over it. Jeff understands and is glad for my lack of partying but he really doesn't get why I care what other people do. I tried to explain that I was feeling a need to defend myself against judgement when he pointed out (thanks by the way, I needed to have it pointed out) that I was being judgemental in exactly the same way I was feeling a need to defend myself against.
I've been trying to think of my judging and getting past that, but that's another post entirely.
Last night we again played some battle grounds. Again a girl came along, this time on our team, with a name that just irked me. I won't share it, but it was something that could be taken to be very... risque? we'll say. Or maybe it wasn't, it's just that I live with a boy and, of course, my boy thought it was funny, didn't take it personally and went on to play the game. Just as I'm being offended, again, in my "judgemental" way... along came Beermaiden and killed me off.
I was again very upset and defensive. Jeff again thought I was too concerned with what other people are doing and I shouldn't let it bother me. He even said something that hurt my feelings. This morning I tried to explain how I feel, so that he gets that I'm not just being judgemental or prudish etc etc. He explained that he got upset seeing me upset when there's nothing he can do and it came out wrong. We're good that way. That, again, is not the point and would be another post.
My point is...??? When I see someone on the game with a name that makes boys think things, it's not just someone else doing their thing and I shouldn't let it bother me. They are talking to my sons, my nephews, my brothers, MY HUSBAND! should they happen to be playing the game and all they have to do is see her walk by and read her name (the names float above the characters' heads). Then it IS my business. And why should I not be offended that things that matter to me, my thoughts, opinions, values, things I try to treat with a certain respect, etc are treated so horribly? And, more importanly, HOW do I not let it bother me?
I hate closed mindedness and judgements and misunderstanding. I DON"T want to be that kind of person. Maybe I do take things too seriously and I am uptight and prudish. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it is. Maybe I am a negative person and I just don't know how to express myself at all, let alone in a positive and assertive way so that I can NOT be bothered by such dumb things.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
HDN4HVN
HDN4HVN, that's what I saw on a license plate on some big Hummer type thing in the lane to my left on the way to work. I tend to think that anyone who drives a Hummer must be big and tough and a bit self centered and wordly. I wouldn't think that the driver of this monstosity would have any thoughts of heaven and spiritual things. I'm so prejudiced.
A few weeks ago, Jeff and I had quite a talk about heaven. He had read something that said heaven will be where you are the happiest and most at peace. We then talked about where/what our heaven would be like.
Given that definition, it's not so far out to think of Hummer Driver heading for heaven. It was actually a rather delightful thought. What if we approached each day as if we were heading for heaven? And I don't mean in the self sacrificing, punishment, stict way that some church things make us think or feel. What was cool about mine and Jeff's conversation or seeing the Hummer was that heaven could be what we're living here. It wasn't a far out, someday thing. It could be here and now. It could be happy and joyful.
These are the thoughts I was having on the way to work. But now I've been here for an hour and a half and I listen to other people and... well, I just don't know what my problem is, but I think they are ALL wacked out and stupid and... oops, I better be careful what I'm typing in public. I recently started a new blog- like BennyK has one for philosophical stuff and his music one as well as his "basic" one- but I don't know (or haven't figured out) how to link it here. I get to them both here, but I don't know if anyone else can even see them??? Anyway, I called it my happy hippie journal (Jeff calls me his hippie girl and I quite like it. It means I'm free and casual and natural ....). I finally figured out one day that all these negative things I say about people and the world around me are just my attempt to assert myself and what I think and feel and believe in. I thought it was time to take a more positive approach to such assertions. But, here I am today and I can't stand to hear them talk!
I also try to talk about these things because I need someone to validate me. I need someone to support what I think is right even when it often feels so different than what the whole rest of the world believes in.
There's a girl at work that everyone gets annoyed by and kind of makes fun of when she's not around. Sometimes I can see that she's a bit different, but I don't see that she's weird or unlikeable, unless you're in a junior high frame of mind and judge people by their "coolness." I work a lot with this girl and as I get to know her, there is a lot to admire about her. You never know what makes people the way they are.
Maybe everyone makes fun of me when I'm not around too. For the first time in my life I truly don't care. I even find myself hoping that they do because that would mean I'm not like them.
A few weeks ago, Jeff and I had quite a talk about heaven. He had read something that said heaven will be where you are the happiest and most at peace. We then talked about where/what our heaven would be like.
Given that definition, it's not so far out to think of Hummer Driver heading for heaven. It was actually a rather delightful thought. What if we approached each day as if we were heading for heaven? And I don't mean in the self sacrificing, punishment, stict way that some church things make us think or feel. What was cool about mine and Jeff's conversation or seeing the Hummer was that heaven could be what we're living here. It wasn't a far out, someday thing. It could be here and now. It could be happy and joyful.
These are the thoughts I was having on the way to work. But now I've been here for an hour and a half and I listen to other people and... well, I just don't know what my problem is, but I think they are ALL wacked out and stupid and... oops, I better be careful what I'm typing in public. I recently started a new blog- like BennyK has one for philosophical stuff and his music one as well as his "basic" one- but I don't know (or haven't figured out) how to link it here. I get to them both here, but I don't know if anyone else can even see them??? Anyway, I called it my happy hippie journal (Jeff calls me his hippie girl and I quite like it. It means I'm free and casual and natural ....). I finally figured out one day that all these negative things I say about people and the world around me are just my attempt to assert myself and what I think and feel and believe in. I thought it was time to take a more positive approach to such assertions. But, here I am today and I can't stand to hear them talk!
I also try to talk about these things because I need someone to validate me. I need someone to support what I think is right even when it often feels so different than what the whole rest of the world believes in.
There's a girl at work that everyone gets annoyed by and kind of makes fun of when she's not around. Sometimes I can see that she's a bit different, but I don't see that she's weird or unlikeable, unless you're in a junior high frame of mind and judge people by their "coolness." I work a lot with this girl and as I get to know her, there is a lot to admire about her. You never know what makes people the way they are.
Maybe everyone makes fun of me when I'm not around too. For the first time in my life I truly don't care. I even find myself hoping that they do because that would mean I'm not like them.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year
By about 7:00p.m. New Year's Eve, Jeff was too tired to stay awake anymore. They have changed his work schedule for a few weeks for the holiday and while they look for a replacement for the shift just before his. This hasn't been an easy change for him. I was okay with him going to sleep and I sat in bed next to him watching a t.v. show on DVD we'd received for Christmas. When that was over and I turned off the DVD player, I happened to be on a PBS station playing an Andrea Boccelli concert. I saw the very end of it, amounting to about a song and a half.
The music is so rich and beautiful, I was truly inspired. I want everything in my life to be so rich and full of beauty and meaning. When that concert ended, I found, on the other PBS channel, a Michael Buble concert. This music is more "fun" and less deep, but still wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 feeling completely happy.
New Year's day was very restful. I even found time to write in my journal some of the "resolutions" and wishes I've been thinking of lately.
The music is so rich and beautiful, I was truly inspired. I want everything in my life to be so rich and full of beauty and meaning. When that concert ended, I found, on the other PBS channel, a Michael Buble concert. This music is more "fun" and less deep, but still wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 feeling completely happy.
New Year's day was very restful. I even found time to write in my journal some of the "resolutions" and wishes I've been thinking of lately.
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