Friday morning

We woke up with food on the shelf and I can't tell you how good that felt! I was actually able to keep my emotions pretty well under control, I think because I was fed!
I did laundry all day and in the afternoon bathed my baby. We have still been doing the sponge bath thing. I don't know if people think that makes me a bad mom or not, but even the doctor said not to bath her too much because her skin will dry out. But, she is getting bigger now and in the heat etc it seems that bathing needs to become a more regular thing (not that my baby is uncared for or dirty! We do just fine with washing her and getting her clean). The thing is, it's hard here to even have a place to wash her. She quickly outgrew the bathroom counter and the kitchen is always messy and/or crowded with people. But Friday, it was cleaned up and most people were gone. I had had an idea for easing Rayne into a "real" bath a while ago, so it was a good chance to try it. I started with the sponge bath- laying her on the counter and wetting her down and soaping her up in sections. We sang songs and made jokes and she does really well that way. When I got to her bottom half, instead of rinsing her with the washcloth, I put her in the little bathtub and guess what!? She seemed to like it!!!!
It was so fun. She kicked her legs and then she kicked some more. She even smiled!!! THIS is how it's supposed to go.

I really am feeling a peace that I haven't felt before. I think even though I knew in my heart I couldn't leave her, I expected so much confrontation and to have to fight for what I believed in. I even tried, at times- mostly before she was born- to convince myself that I might just have to work. But now that it's over, it's settled, the decision is made and done, I feel so right. I feel safe. I can look at her and feel confident that I am doing the right thing. It's a feeling of safety and peace... I really can't describe it any other way. And those feelings are very important to me.