Yesterday, we spent the afternoon at Jeff's grandma's with his grandma and mom. We took our laundry and guess what?!?! They did all my laundry, even folded it!, fed me lunch and let me take a nap. They even helped and were encouraging when the baby had a hard time eating.
The same thing happens at my mom's house. I can let mom or someone hold the baby and I can go to the bathroom, get something to eat, etc etc.
Thank heaven for good moms!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
To anyone who will sympathize with irrational thoughts
The baby had a rough day yesterday. Breastfeeding is hard. We get better at it, then have a rough time again. She cried a lot yesterday and we just kept trying and spent time trying to be calm.
When it was time for dinner, I could hear the upstairs t.v. in our room, which means it was up loud. Then Jeff opened our door to take some stuff up there and it was REALLY loud. That's not going to be good, I thought. I had just calmed the baby down and figured if I get upstairs and she starts screaming, people will either have to put up with it or it will be a good excuse to come back down and hide. So I got upstairs and she was okay but then I tried to put her in a little bouncy seat. This of course upset her. I tried to calm her with her binki and talking to her and they turned the t.v. up even louder!!! to hear over her. Thanks, that's going to help. I know babies are supposedly "used to noise" but I think it was different in the womb than all these new sensations.
When she didn't calm down, I took her out and went in the kitchen where we were at least away from people and rocked her and calmed her down. Then I went and sat in the living room and held her while I tried to eat.
So then "grandma and grandpa" want to hold her. I suppose I am a bit possessive but I get really nervous when other people have her. Not all people, just some. Some people can hold her all day long and I'm okay. I haven't had her upstairs much and have even told people no when they've wanted her because I had just calmed her or something. I thought I should "be nice" and give them a chance. Plus I knew she'd need to eat soon so if I could just go to the bathroom it would be good.
As soon as they took her, a stupid little chihuahua about jumped in her face and started barking and scared her half to death. I was so upset I wanted to cry. As dumb as it sounds, I had to just sit there trying to breathe, trying to "be nice" and give them a chance with the baby. It was freaking me out.
Sunday night is mine and Jeff's dish night. Everybody has a turn. So once we finished eating, I made him go start dishes while we had a spare second. I hated even being in a different room than the baby, especially if people were no more aware and concerned about the stupid dogs than that. I keep doing things, like dishes, because I feel good enough but then by the time I'm through, I'm pretty sore- like just from bending to put stuff in the dishwasher.
Then Jeff's dad came in the kitchen to see what we were doing. You wanna know what he said to me? He said, I know she's used to her mama and she calms down better for you than anyone else, but it would probably be good for her to get used to other people.
I simply said "why? I'm not going anywhere."
What I really wanted to say was "Look you stupid over bearing people. She's not even 2 weeks old yet. WE are still getting used to each other! I defy any of you to be sick everyday for 9 months, have aches and pains and weird things going on in your body that you can't even imagine, worry and pray everyday that the baby will even live and that your body is strong enough to support her life and THEN go through labor and contractions, which you can't even imagine or describe how they feel, push a baby out, bleed and leak and have absolutely NO privacy or dignity left (all while your poor husband is standing there watching), not to mention stitches in unmentionable places, be more exhausted than you've ever been in your life and quit sleeping, try breast feeding which is not an easy, nurturing, natural thing to do at all!, fall in love harder than you've ever been both with your baby and your spouse AND THEN WHAT??? Just walk away? So that she can "get used to" other people??? What do you think SHE'S been through in these 10 days? New sensations, new muscles, new everything!!! She needs some peace. She needs some comfort. So STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY you psycho, greedy, unhelpful people!"
Of course people offer to hold the baby, like you need help with that. Okay, sometimes I DO have to go the bathroom, but really what I need help with is things like taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, cleaning my room, doing laundry. Does anyone think of that? NO! And fine, I don't want them in my space anyway, but that means I don't want them in MY SPACE.
Aren't I ornery?
When it was time for dinner, I could hear the upstairs t.v. in our room, which means it was up loud. Then Jeff opened our door to take some stuff up there and it was REALLY loud. That's not going to be good, I thought. I had just calmed the baby down and figured if I get upstairs and she starts screaming, people will either have to put up with it or it will be a good excuse to come back down and hide. So I got upstairs and she was okay but then I tried to put her in a little bouncy seat. This of course upset her. I tried to calm her with her binki and talking to her and they turned the t.v. up even louder!!! to hear over her. Thanks, that's going to help. I know babies are supposedly "used to noise" but I think it was different in the womb than all these new sensations.
When she didn't calm down, I took her out and went in the kitchen where we were at least away from people and rocked her and calmed her down. Then I went and sat in the living room and held her while I tried to eat.
So then "grandma and grandpa" want to hold her. I suppose I am a bit possessive but I get really nervous when other people have her. Not all people, just some. Some people can hold her all day long and I'm okay. I haven't had her upstairs much and have even told people no when they've wanted her because I had just calmed her or something. I thought I should "be nice" and give them a chance. Plus I knew she'd need to eat soon so if I could just go to the bathroom it would be good.
As soon as they took her, a stupid little chihuahua about jumped in her face and started barking and scared her half to death. I was so upset I wanted to cry. As dumb as it sounds, I had to just sit there trying to breathe, trying to "be nice" and give them a chance with the baby. It was freaking me out.
Sunday night is mine and Jeff's dish night. Everybody has a turn. So once we finished eating, I made him go start dishes while we had a spare second. I hated even being in a different room than the baby, especially if people were no more aware and concerned about the stupid dogs than that. I keep doing things, like dishes, because I feel good enough but then by the time I'm through, I'm pretty sore- like just from bending to put stuff in the dishwasher.
Then Jeff's dad came in the kitchen to see what we were doing. You wanna know what he said to me? He said, I know she's used to her mama and she calms down better for you than anyone else, but it would probably be good for her to get used to other people.
I simply said "why? I'm not going anywhere."
What I really wanted to say was "Look you stupid over bearing people. She's not even 2 weeks old yet. WE are still getting used to each other! I defy any of you to be sick everyday for 9 months, have aches and pains and weird things going on in your body that you can't even imagine, worry and pray everyday that the baby will even live and that your body is strong enough to support her life and THEN go through labor and contractions, which you can't even imagine or describe how they feel, push a baby out, bleed and leak and have absolutely NO privacy or dignity left (all while your poor husband is standing there watching), not to mention stitches in unmentionable places, be more exhausted than you've ever been in your life and quit sleeping, try breast feeding which is not an easy, nurturing, natural thing to do at all!, fall in love harder than you've ever been both with your baby and your spouse AND THEN WHAT??? Just walk away? So that she can "get used to" other people??? What do you think SHE'S been through in these 10 days? New sensations, new muscles, new everything!!! She needs some peace. She needs some comfort. So STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY you psycho, greedy, unhelpful people!"
Of course people offer to hold the baby, like you need help with that. Okay, sometimes I DO have to go the bathroom, but really what I need help with is things like taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, cleaning my room, doing laundry. Does anyone think of that? NO! And fine, I don't want them in my space anyway, but that means I don't want them in MY SPACE.
Aren't I ornery?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Hair Cuts Plus and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Actually, I think it was Great Clips. Yesterday I chopped off my hair. I haven't had shorter hair in years! I freakin love it! The lady was so great and spent the time to do a good job and tell me what she was doing and help me know how to do it myself.
If you can imagine, it looks even better today than when she did it yesterday. AND she (no I) used NO styling products- it feels so good! Usually it takes me a week to try to get it like they did it, give up and do it my own way and then feel a bit disappointed that it's not better. I spent a bit of time this morning- I'm quite awkward with round brushes AND hair dryers- but I really like it. Not sure what Jeff thinks yet though. Perhaps it was too much of a change for him.
In the process of yesterday, I spent some good time with my parents and Khrys. Of course, Dad didn't want to go to the hair place etc, leaving the girls to do our girlie thing. The hair place is right next to Starbuck's so after my hair, we went in for some incredibly good hot chocolate and lots of girl talk. I need a brighter lipstick or something to go with the hair. Any color suggestions?
Khrys keeps telling me and mom that we fit too well the "too good mother" archetype. Mom and I say yes we do and maybe we're push overs and sometimes we feel taken for granted. On the other hand, we don't want to change. We REALLY don't want to be like... we'll just say the opposite of what we are (no naming names). And so we talked...
This morning I woke up thinking... by the end of junior high, I had a pretty good group of friends. If you imagine us sitting at our lunch table, people would come and go but there was a pretty solid core group. We were all best friends, but throughout high school, people would come and go, sometimes not come back, and often we'd be a bit "paired up." Some weeks, Christine would be my best friend because she'd be the one to understand something I was going through. Other weeks, Christine and Heidi would be best friends because they went on a camping trip together and discovered all the fun things they have in common. It wasn't a big deal. No hurt feelings or jealousies or anything like that. It was just the ebb and flow of our friendships.
In a way, my friends helped me out of the shell I'd climbed into when I entered junior high. With my friends, I could at least fake it and be confident and popular or whatever. But, the reality was, throughout high school, I probably retreated more as I learned more about myself. I always saw it as a fear and a lack of confidence. In retrospect I see it as a protection, a valuing of myself and trying to protect that from a mean and vicious world. The point is, I do realize that a lot of what I'm about to say was my own doing.
Today I was thinking how I've always felt like the friend that was the constant. I was the friend that people could come to when they had problems or needed to talk and be listened to or just understood and accepted. But I was not the friend that you'd take out on a double date or to Lagoon or anything "fun" and adventurous. It just wasn't my style I suppose. I was the quiet friend. The one who often got overlooked.
In a group of girls, even if I was actually the prettiest :), boys wouldn't look at me because they wanted the loud, fun, flirty, easy, outgoing girl.
Even within my family, we often tease about who is the favorite. I really think my siblings have a lot more to offer because they have more dynamic personalities. It's their not being good or perfect that makes us value them more and we wouldn't want them to be any other way. I, on the other hand, need to be the constant. I am the good kid. I am the care giver, at least to our parents and the younger ones. I may not be the funnest or most interesting, but I have my place, my role.
One time I heard someone give a "personality test" that categorized you based on a line that showed your energy. One was a dotted flitting line, like a flying bee. This was for people who are a bit flighty but outgoing and busy and idealisitic. Another was a sharp zig zag type line for people who are more in control and proper and goal oriented. One was a flat line for people who are more about other people. They are like the mirrors that reflect the light rather than the candles giving it off. They are the calm. That, I knew, was me.
In college, I learned to be okay with that. I wasn't all those other things and I didn't really want to be. Somewhere along the way I learned what value there was in being the constant, the nice one, the reliable one. People need that friend just as much, if not more?, than any other type of friend. I was okay with myself. In fact I learned to like myself. And I started to trust that someday I would find that one guy who appreciated that in me. And really, I feel accepted and loved in my family so no worries there. I didn't need lots of friends, I just needed the ones I had. I didn't need a lot of dates, I just needed to fall in love. And, in my own way, I need to be the giving one in the family and feel like I serve them some kind of purpose for my own sanity.
All this being said, I still woke up today (perhaps in a bad mood with a stinky dog whining at and licking me and having to go the bathroom for the 3rd time in 6 hours etc) and instead of feeling the good things about being me, felt like I'm just being over looked again. Like I'm back in junior high world where people don't quite yet know to value that constant friend. It's like everyone wants to be in with the cool crowd and be friends with the loud and popular kids, have the hot girlfriend, and there I am... invisible.
I have just over a week (who really knows? Yikes!) until I become a mom. I don't want to be an invisible mom.
When Jeff told me he loved me, I felt finally someone had seen me for who I really am. At some point, I asked how he knew it and he told me all the things about me that I always wanted someone to see. I've felt confident in that for a long time now. But, I worry with all the changes etc, is he going to get bored? Is it really enough or does even he need that someone who is... different than what I have to offer?
And now I have new families. I don't know that they really see or can value my calm, constant nature. I know there are some of them it's hard for me to be around because even though I have absolutely no desire to be like them, I feel inferior because I'm not.
I don't want to be invisible. But how can the breeze not be without becoming a storm? How can the ebb and flow of the tide be anything but constant unless it rages? How can a mirror do anything but reflect back the world around it without breaking?
If you can imagine, it looks even better today than when she did it yesterday. AND she (no I) used NO styling products- it feels so good! Usually it takes me a week to try to get it like they did it, give up and do it my own way and then feel a bit disappointed that it's not better. I spent a bit of time this morning- I'm quite awkward with round brushes AND hair dryers- but I really like it. Not sure what Jeff thinks yet though. Perhaps it was too much of a change for him.
In the process of yesterday, I spent some good time with my parents and Khrys. Of course, Dad didn't want to go to the hair place etc, leaving the girls to do our girlie thing. The hair place is right next to Starbuck's so after my hair, we went in for some incredibly good hot chocolate and lots of girl talk. I need a brighter lipstick or something to go with the hair. Any color suggestions?
Khrys keeps telling me and mom that we fit too well the "too good mother" archetype. Mom and I say yes we do and maybe we're push overs and sometimes we feel taken for granted. On the other hand, we don't want to change. We REALLY don't want to be like... we'll just say the opposite of what we are (no naming names). And so we talked...
This morning I woke up thinking... by the end of junior high, I had a pretty good group of friends. If you imagine us sitting at our lunch table, people would come and go but there was a pretty solid core group. We were all best friends, but throughout high school, people would come and go, sometimes not come back, and often we'd be a bit "paired up." Some weeks, Christine would be my best friend because she'd be the one to understand something I was going through. Other weeks, Christine and Heidi would be best friends because they went on a camping trip together and discovered all the fun things they have in common. It wasn't a big deal. No hurt feelings or jealousies or anything like that. It was just the ebb and flow of our friendships.
In a way, my friends helped me out of the shell I'd climbed into when I entered junior high. With my friends, I could at least fake it and be confident and popular or whatever. But, the reality was, throughout high school, I probably retreated more as I learned more about myself. I always saw it as a fear and a lack of confidence. In retrospect I see it as a protection, a valuing of myself and trying to protect that from a mean and vicious world. The point is, I do realize that a lot of what I'm about to say was my own doing.
Today I was thinking how I've always felt like the friend that was the constant. I was the friend that people could come to when they had problems or needed to talk and be listened to or just understood and accepted. But I was not the friend that you'd take out on a double date or to Lagoon or anything "fun" and adventurous. It just wasn't my style I suppose. I was the quiet friend. The one who often got overlooked.
In a group of girls, even if I was actually the prettiest :), boys wouldn't look at me because they wanted the loud, fun, flirty, easy, outgoing girl.
Even within my family, we often tease about who is the favorite. I really think my siblings have a lot more to offer because they have more dynamic personalities. It's their not being good or perfect that makes us value them more and we wouldn't want them to be any other way. I, on the other hand, need to be the constant. I am the good kid. I am the care giver, at least to our parents and the younger ones. I may not be the funnest or most interesting, but I have my place, my role.
One time I heard someone give a "personality test" that categorized you based on a line that showed your energy. One was a dotted flitting line, like a flying bee. This was for people who are a bit flighty but outgoing and busy and idealisitic. Another was a sharp zig zag type line for people who are more in control and proper and goal oriented. One was a flat line for people who are more about other people. They are like the mirrors that reflect the light rather than the candles giving it off. They are the calm. That, I knew, was me.
In college, I learned to be okay with that. I wasn't all those other things and I didn't really want to be. Somewhere along the way I learned what value there was in being the constant, the nice one, the reliable one. People need that friend just as much, if not more?, than any other type of friend. I was okay with myself. In fact I learned to like myself. And I started to trust that someday I would find that one guy who appreciated that in me. And really, I feel accepted and loved in my family so no worries there. I didn't need lots of friends, I just needed the ones I had. I didn't need a lot of dates, I just needed to fall in love. And, in my own way, I need to be the giving one in the family and feel like I serve them some kind of purpose for my own sanity.
All this being said, I still woke up today (perhaps in a bad mood with a stinky dog whining at and licking me and having to go the bathroom for the 3rd time in 6 hours etc) and instead of feeling the good things about being me, felt like I'm just being over looked again. Like I'm back in junior high world where people don't quite yet know to value that constant friend. It's like everyone wants to be in with the cool crowd and be friends with the loud and popular kids, have the hot girlfriend, and there I am... invisible.
I have just over a week (who really knows? Yikes!) until I become a mom. I don't want to be an invisible mom.
When Jeff told me he loved me, I felt finally someone had seen me for who I really am. At some point, I asked how he knew it and he told me all the things about me that I always wanted someone to see. I've felt confident in that for a long time now. But, I worry with all the changes etc, is he going to get bored? Is it really enough or does even he need that someone who is... different than what I have to offer?
And now I have new families. I don't know that they really see or can value my calm, constant nature. I know there are some of them it's hard for me to be around because even though I have absolutely no desire to be like them, I feel inferior because I'm not.
I don't want to be invisible. But how can the breeze not be without becoming a storm? How can the ebb and flow of the tide be anything but constant unless it rages? How can a mirror do anything but reflect back the world around it without breaking?
Friday, May 01, 2009
Prideful faith? or Powerful faith?
There's a Christian song I haven't heard for a while that says "In me, is the faith to move mountains." I'm not sure if the song is about the power Christ has in our lives or if it's about the power we have through our faith. I guess it's kind of the same in my mind. I like the song and thinking that I have that strength within me.
Lately there's been all kinds of things floating like led through the air around us. Sometimes I pray desparately, knowing there is nothing I can do and feeling like I need to be rescued. Sometimes I don't even know what to pray for. Other times, my prayers are quite specific as I try to solve the problem or do something on my own to show action when all it really amounts to is my own idea of what might help (just a note, some of these prayers have been answered so quickly, so specifically that it makes me feel like I'm doing/asking something right. One of my favorite scriptures is when the Lord asks the brother of Jared what he would have Him do to put light in the vessels. I think it's a very good teacher and father that would help us to figure things out on our own).
Some of my strongest prayers lately, the ones that give me the most peace and direction, seem to come when I start to believe in my own faith. I've prayed asking for what I think I need, or even in the desparate times of not knowing, and started to think of other prayers that have been answered in my life. I've thought that my faith was strong enough to fix or help some situation before, it has to be worth something now. I've thought (perhaps to the point of insistence?) that my desire for what is good and right has to be stronger and win out over the scary stuff out in the world. That my trying to do the right things and be good and desiring what God has to give has to win out over things and people that are... well, just not doing these things. I've even wondered if my prayers can intervene to at least some extent for people who may not be looking for it just because of who they are to me... like I have some sort of jurisdiction as a wife, parent, even child, that my faith can have power in their lives even when they aren't looking for it (I know, that whole free agency thing, but that's what I mean. Is my faith strong enough, can I pray for things for people, like the parents of Alma the younger?)
I suppose it's hard to put in words when I don't want to give specific examples. But today I was walking into work and that song popped in my head. "In me is the faith to move mountains." I've been feeling like if I cling to this and trust in this, everything is going to be okay. I don't think it's a faith in myself really, the faith is in God to hear me, do what He can and will, and then help me through the rest. Perhaps it's more like a conviction or a resolution to focus on faith, to be believing, to trust and doubt not. Maybe that's what all those things mean.... to HAVE faith. Perhaps it's something that sometimes we have to cling to rather than just let be there.
Lately there's been all kinds of things floating like led through the air around us. Sometimes I pray desparately, knowing there is nothing I can do and feeling like I need to be rescued. Sometimes I don't even know what to pray for. Other times, my prayers are quite specific as I try to solve the problem or do something on my own to show action when all it really amounts to is my own idea of what might help (just a note, some of these prayers have been answered so quickly, so specifically that it makes me feel like I'm doing/asking something right. One of my favorite scriptures is when the Lord asks the brother of Jared what he would have Him do to put light in the vessels. I think it's a very good teacher and father that would help us to figure things out on our own).
Some of my strongest prayers lately, the ones that give me the most peace and direction, seem to come when I start to believe in my own faith. I've prayed asking for what I think I need, or even in the desparate times of not knowing, and started to think of other prayers that have been answered in my life. I've thought that my faith was strong enough to fix or help some situation before, it has to be worth something now. I've thought (perhaps to the point of insistence?) that my desire for what is good and right has to be stronger and win out over the scary stuff out in the world. That my trying to do the right things and be good and desiring what God has to give has to win out over things and people that are... well, just not doing these things. I've even wondered if my prayers can intervene to at least some extent for people who may not be looking for it just because of who they are to me... like I have some sort of jurisdiction as a wife, parent, even child, that my faith can have power in their lives even when they aren't looking for it (I know, that whole free agency thing, but that's what I mean. Is my faith strong enough, can I pray for things for people, like the parents of Alma the younger?)
I suppose it's hard to put in words when I don't want to give specific examples. But today I was walking into work and that song popped in my head. "In me is the faith to move mountains." I've been feeling like if I cling to this and trust in this, everything is going to be okay. I don't think it's a faith in myself really, the faith is in God to hear me, do what He can and will, and then help me through the rest. Perhaps it's more like a conviction or a resolution to focus on faith, to be believing, to trust and doubt not. Maybe that's what all those things mean.... to HAVE faith. Perhaps it's something that sometimes we have to cling to rather than just let be there.
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