I exist to serve and help. I exist for you. That's true isn't it? Even for God. I mean, we go to church and learn to serve and sacrifice and maybe even that that's what God needs us for...
I think I believe that love has to be earned. Sure, I can love someone else for no particular reason, they're just them. But for someone, even God, to love me, I have to earn it. And when I'm not doing the things in my head that I think earn love, I'm afraid I'm not. I don't feel love. I know love. I logisticate (great word hahaha!) love...
You don't have to be the way you've always been...
Yesterday I stood at the community copy/printer/fax machine TRYING to make copies. But just as I'd push copy, someone else would print from their desk and mine would get pushed to the bottom of the list. Then they'd come running over, grab the stack from the out tray, sort through it for their stuff and set the pile somewhere else entirely! Excuse me?!?!?! That's my stuff!
I was so frustrated that a job that used to take me 10 minutes max took about 1/2 an hour. This week has been crazy anyway. Monday, my big day, I asked someone to help that I thought was supposed to be available to help. She said she would but she didn't know how much. Okay, that wasn't rude, she was busy, but it left me feeling like I didn't know where to go to get the job done (she's my supe and told me to ask her for help first before other people). I'm supposed to be able to take orders to customer service when we get so many. So I tried that next. Big fat ugly mean supervisor told me she didn't have anyone that could help. (Uh, there's a sign on the wall that says you have NO calls coming in, you can help me). It was so frustrating. Then, one of "my" people went on vacation this week all through next week but for some reason, no one bothered to tell me he was going to be gone. It would be nice to know considering I'm the one that has to pick up his slack.
So, that's the week I was having and the reason why the community copy/printer/fax machine incident about made me cry. I came back to my desk so overwhelmed and stressed. I can't even do my job! and there is a lot of pressure to get it done. I was shaking and wanted to go home SO badly.
Anyway, Jeff was on messenger so I talked to him. I felt kinda dumb reacting so much over a community copy/printer/fax machine. But I thought maybe if I just tell him that I feel so much physically, he'll understand a little better why I'm so moody sometimes etc. So we talked. Eventually I got over it and I think I felt a lot better having just talked about it.
It got me thinking though. Maybe it's possible to just change. No thinking, planning, analyzing. Maybe I just don't have to be the way I've always been.
So that got me thinking of things I think, ways I am, etc. What kind of "programming" is in there that I could just say, I don't HAVE to be like that anymore?
I exist to make everyone else happy...
I don't deserve love unless I'm absolutely perfect and I know I'm not...
I have to do everything right and I can't make mistakes...
Everyone else knows better than I do...
4 comments:
I'm always reading this late at night and I want you to know that I've read it, so I comment. The comment doesn't come out very well, but, at least it's there.
Sometimes it worries me that maybe some of us have to be pushed until we explode and then THAT'S what changes us. It's like all the drama scenes we see in the movies where somebody gets pushed into a fight. He reached a point where it's either 'him or me'... you know? Think of Ralphie in THE CHRISTMAS STORY. It isn't what we learned in Sunday School and it certainly how we natually respond. I don't know if it's a good way to learn things or if it's just part of being in this world. I hate it too. And I hate to think of someone so sweet and loving as yourself being pushed so much...it would take a LOT to push you that far.
Do you remember J.L.Seagull..."I exist to make ME happy",,,,right? You deserve all the love in the world....there just isn't much of it sometimes.But look around..it's there. And you can make all the mistakes you want to...and then some. It doesn't really matter much at the end of the day. And I seriously doubt that everyone else know better than you do. Think about it. Really??? Com on!!!!!
Hope you have a much better week this go 'round. Shrug it off. You're just in all this crap...it isn't part of you. Good luck.
Thanks for commenting- I need it.
And J.L. Seagull is exactly what I was thinking of- I exist to impress the world. It's how I feel but I know it's backwards.
I tried to post on this yesterday but for some reason it vanished... but that also left me all night to think about how I break my back everyday thinking that's the only way people are going to love me and that sometimes that's the only reason people love me.
I've lived my entire life with that 'need' hanging over my head. The need to do everything, the need to be perfect, the need to have everything under control less I lose the love and admiration of my parents, siblings, children or spouse. It's a silly way of thinking, its a desperate need for validation. I spent 13 years in a marriage that left me with 4 great kids and a very low self-esteem. I had this notion that if I was this super mom and super wife and did everything I believed was right and in the best interest of 'keeping a stable foundation' for my family, that everything would work itself out. Things would be made right.
And when things didn't work out right, I blamed myself for not being good enough or a better wife. But when all was said and done, I was taking all the responsiblity for someone elses actions. I had no control. There isn't anything I could have done better or more'perfect'.
It's hard for me to still not fall into that frame of thought. I do it quite often. Steve, however does validate me, he notices what I do and appreciates it but also lets me know he'd love me if I didn't do it. That's a hard lesson to learn. That you're good enough just being you.
I feel like I've wasted alot of time trying to please and appease everyone and I've lost a lot of me. I forget what Heather feels about things instead of what would the kids think or how would this affect my parents, would they think poorly of me if I did this or that?
It's a vicious cycle and it gets passed on because now I have kids doing the same thing. Pushing themselves to the limits for validation for love. I live to serve, I belive service is honorable and necessary. I'm put here to be a helpmate to my spouse and to teach my children but not at the expense of losing my identity. Steve has really opened my eyes about that. Sometimes I've got my blinders on and have terrible tunnel vision and feel when something goes wrong that I've failed everyone.
I'm still learning and struggling. I believe I'm here to help others, but I think I need to learn to help myself too...
Hard lesson
see and I had a typo I didn't catch... I *believe* not belive
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