!@#$%^&**&^%$#@!

Today I'm having an emotional day. So, in addition to my normal over reacting, there is a lot more over reacting.
In the newspaper headlines as I walked in to work it was announced that all the kids from the polygamist ranch will be going home. Hooray. I guess we're supposed to be glad that justice was done and the poor children will be returned to their poor, sympathy worthy mothers.
Just yesterday (or the day before?) I read an article in the paper that had pictures or their prophet holding a little girl (it said she was 12) and kissing her "the way a husband would kiss a wife." It made me sick to my stomach. It was like seeing child porn. It was more than I could take.
Sometimes it bothers Jeff that I get bothered by other people's lack of morals. It's not that he doesn't agree with me, he just doesn't see why I should let it affect me. Well, because. It's the kind of sick twisted world we live in. I read the article and saw that picture and I don't know if I've ever been filled with that much anger. Call it a devil in my heart. I'll call it righteous indignation. I have never wanted someone to hurt as much as I did looking at that guy. What does that say about me?
I feel that it undermines my belief in a prophet and obedience and faith. Some article about a particular case had the parents saying how infallible this guy is. According to the reports (and I guess they could be wrong), these people will lie and avoid our government and laws based on what this guy says; he's the supreme authority. He speaks for God. It makes me not want to believe in anyone who says they speak for God. That's MY testimony they are threatening.
I also think it shows so blatantly that this philosophy of theirs is child abuse. Maybe I'm wrong. The latest reports say the state and child services didn't have sufficient evidence to prove the kids were in immediate physical danger. I guess we don't care about their future psychological, sexual, self esteem and welfare. That doesn't matter.
I think that to someone who's been hurt, they are saying "YOU don't matter. YOU're hurt or fear doesn't matter. What you've gone through or go through every day trying to heal and survive, doesn't matter." HOW CAN THAT BE???
How can they say that this "religious belief" is not wrong? If they were doing human sacrifice, would we let all the kids stay and grow up in the commune because they weren't the ones being sacrificed? How can that "man" look at a 12 year old and get excited enough to pro-create? Because of his religious beliefs? Because God told him to? I guess that must be it.
As far as I understand (again, I could be wrong) polygamy is part of their religion. They believe it's a heavenly thing or something. And it seems a pretty well established thing that at least some of the time, young girls are married to older men because their prophet tells them to. If he is there with a 12 year old, how can it not be part of their religion? Even if it's not commonly practiced, it does happen and it is accepted.
If you ask me, sex is a big deal thing. Maybe it's the culture and if I was taught differently, I would believe differently. But think about the first time you held a boy's hand, the first time you kissed someone, the first time you "you know what." Weren't those big deals? Didn't one thing have to lead to another? When you're 12, sure you may know about sex, but you don't KNOW about it. It takes time and hormones and falling in love and fantasizing and ... If all of that stuff came at you all at once, wouldn't you be a bit freaked out? I'm a little freaked out and I didn't get married until I was 30 years old!
I'm just making myself sick talking about it. I guess I'll stop. I don't know if it's even worth posting this... I wish I could express myself better.

Time for Bed I Said

I wonder if I would even know there was a recession and the world was coming to an end if my dad wasn't always saying "the sky is falling." If, when I needed a break at work and thinking I'd like to be educated, I'd do something besides click to the online newspaper. I think I would notice that both gas and milk (if bought at the gas station) are both up to almost $4 a gallon. But, that might be about all I notice. And instead of thinking I'm drowning in debt and rent and there is no hope for my future, maybe I'd just think that this is what happens when you grow up and get married. And I'd hope for things to get better or at least be okay. We'll buy a house someday. Someday instead of paying on the stupid credit card, we'll pay for the kid's braces or driver's ed or something. Life would just go on and I'd quit being so darned scared of everything.

...

A few weeks back, I finally got brave and talked specifically to Jeff about a fear of mine. Something that had been said a long time ago had in my mind, under certain circumstances, resurfaced. I'm not sure which way it went, but it was like my mind knew I had nothing to worry about but my heart kept feeling it anyway (maybe my heart trusted but my head was afraid of looking the fool?). Anyway, once we talked it through, it was all put to rest. Since then, a lot of other concerns have been put aside too and I can't believe how good it feels to just not worry. It's like instead of being on guard all the time, I just don't have to worry. And that makes me think I must like to worry because it somehow makes me feel like I have some sort of control... or at least I'm in a position to take control if the need arises. But not worrying, not needing that control, feels SO much better.

...

This doesn't even make any sense. Last night, I hung up the phone after talking to Jeff and rolled over and got comfortable in bed. I thought I heard the dog in the room but she wasn't on the bed with me so I said to her "where are you?" She ran up on the bed next to me and I petted her for a minute. Then I got under the covers and ready for sleeping and she went and ate her food. As I lay there, I had hair in my eyes and didn't know if it was mine or the dogs and I thought "I really hate always having hair in my eyes." Then I wondered if dogs ever complain about having too much skin in their eyes. It just popped in my head and was so funny but didn't even make any sense.

One Thought Leads to Another

And I found myself thinking about the first time I met my sister in law. Ben and Melanie took me and Khrystine to the Spaghetti Factory. I remember looking at Ben and just seeing him differently than I ever had. I think it's normal for big sisters to have a sort of crush on little brothers and I've always adored Ben. We've always been so close and I'd seen him in social situations and imagined when we grew up and were married, but this was the first time I guess that I'd seen him in a dating/love kind of thing. He was wearing a polo shirt. I remember it as light blue or white, but then as I really tried to remember I think it might have been marroon. It was kinda like seeing him as a date would see him. He looked so cute and I watched him talk and joke and even though I don't remember them holding hands or even touching, I watched the way they interacted. It was really neat.
I remember I really liked Mel's hair and I wondered how she got it so straight and shiny. It was (is) such a beautiful color. I also remember thinking she looked a lot nicer or more approachable than I expected. I don't know why I thought that- it's not like I thought she'd be mean or anything and I don't really know how to explain it. It was probably just me being nervous or something. I don't even know what I expected. She was so open and friendly and good at asking questions and making conversation.
I really miss Ben and Melanie. I say that all the time on their blogs but I wonder if they know how sincere and deep it is. Sometimes I want so bad just to talk to Ben or take a long Sunday drive and sing to the radio and do "car-obics." To tell Melanie how I feel because I know she'll get it. And they are so far away.
I've only held or hugged Eddie a few times in his little life and never yet met Peter. I want to hug them and hold them and tickle them. I remember when I was little, I didn't know that aunts and uncles could really love you. As I got older, I've grown close to my mom's sisters, but I wonder if I'll be like that to Eddie and Peter and it makes me kinda sad.

Which brings me to James. We've always been really close. Thankfully, he never hit the age where it's not cool to hug his auntie. But I miss seeing him everyday, being there to hold him when he's sick or hurting. He probably doesn't "just talk" to me quite like he used to because now his life is full of very grown up things. That's okay. That's good. I just miss him. I'm glad that he does hug me when he sees me.
And Gina. What a brave, amazing girl she is. I always worried about her "upbringing" and just look how great she's turned out! She is one of the smartest, most level headed and pulled together people I know. I love talking to her as a friend and not just a kid.
And now she has a kid! And a good husband. And I just want to love the baby.
It's amazing how much love can fit inside a person. And this isn't even half of the people I care so much about...

Jesus Said Love Everyone

I guess I'm going to have an emotional reaction but then hope I make a point that maybe is something we need to think about or is at least interesting or something....
Yesterday, with about 20 minutes left of work, I sat listening to some women talking. One of them was telling the others about teaching a lesson in Young Women's at church. I don't know for sure if this is what she told the girls, a lesson she had had when she was in Young Women's, or a combination of both. However it went, she was saying that the teacher said you have to decide right now if you're going to the temple. It's something you decide now, not later.
I too have had this lesson. And, I agree with it. I believe in having goals so you end up where you mean to. I understand that when it comes to virtue (aren't all temple lessons really about protecting your virtue?) you have to make the decision BEFORE you're in a situation making out with a boy you think you are in love with etc.
Then her story went on. Someone said, and it's SO true, if a man doesn't love you enough to take you to the temple, he doesn't love you enough. I understand the intent of what was said. Especially when talking about a boy who also should be or claims to be living for the temple. You can't use love as an excuse to sacrifice your virtue and give up the temple. Okay, I get it.
But this is the part I had to get up and go cry in the bathroom and pray to God and tell him I'm sorry. It's not like I didn't live for the temple. It's not like I wasn't worthy to go. It's not like I just threw that away. I believe God knows this but somehow I felt so crappy hearing these people talk. Even though I got the "intent." I've probably taught lessons and would teach lessons and say the same thing, because how else do you make it clear how important it is?
And that's the interesting question to me. How do you teach such important lessons- about temples and virtue and marriage- without... Well, I didn't think I was feeling what I felt just as an outsider would, although that is something to consider. It's sad to me that I have in my life been surprised that people of other faiths really do love God and pray and have miracles in their lives. Boys/men of other faith aren't all promiscuous cheathers. Couples of other faiths really do love each other and their families. Etc, etc... But what I felt was...
Here we are, people trying to do good things, trying to teach "our" children to make the right choices and yet... there was so much guilt and piousness to it. That's what I felt. Just like other religions and churches I've heard about and read of in history that control people and take away humanity because art is evil, science is of the devil, love is wrong. I mean, maybe it wasn't that bad but it just scared me like what have I been taught? what have I been listening to? that would tell me now that my husband doesn't love me enough or that it was just my own indecision that kept me from the greatest blessing God's given to us?
Maybe I'm just being like the guilty party who gets defensive and tries to justify their own actions. If that's what you see in me and what I'm saying, please don't respond because even if you're right and I need to hear it, I can't. But I just want to cry out!!! Because maybe the people that matter to me and that I care about bearing my testimony to think about me now in such a way that I have set a bad example for them. If that makes any sense at all. I just want those I care about to know how real God and spiritual things are to me. That I DO believe in temples and forever and prophets. And in my heart and mind, it's not at all contradictory to say that I also believe that God gave me this guy that is so perfect for me. I even feel, perhaps I'm wrong but I don't think so, that God asked me to love someone who doesn't know about temples and prophets etc. Because maybe he needs me to show it to him. Or maybe God needs me so that some day He can show it to him. Or maybe God just gave me something really good and I wasn't willing to walk away and "decide" that he (or He-God) doesn't love me enough to take me to the temple.
So there's my testimony of sorts.
But I didn't want to just be emotional in this post. Not just defensive. I really want to ask the question I don't have words for... Maybe it's just this: how do we teach our children what's right without making everything wrong? I believe in taking a definite stand against truly bad and wrong things. I don't believe in being indifferent. But how do we teach our children, even ourselves, what is right AND teach love and acceptance and that life is a great big mess and it's beautiful and there is a difference between art and porn, science and lacking faith? That love is all that matters?

6 Little Ducks, All in a Row

Last year, we had a duck couple in our yard. I call it our yard because it's right upstairs from our apartment door. The lady across the hall from us hung a bird feeder in the tree by her window so I think the duck's come to get what falls on the ground (I think she puts some there on purpose). This year, the couple returned (I only assume it's the same couple because it's fun) and they brought a friend. We had three little ducks to hang around- two boys and a girl. Lately, there have been more ducks. The other day, there were even two geese in the parking lot when I left. I was no less than five feet from them and the one still hissed at me when I walked by-scary!

When Jeff got home from work this morning, he had me come outside to see the ducks. There were six boy ducks playing in the sprinklers. They got right under them and got quite wet. Then they'd shake their little tails as if they were drying off or spreading the water around. I went in the house and got some bread and we threw pieces to them to get them to come closer. They liked that. It was quite delightful.

Maybe the most delightful of all is Jeffrey. He has such a soft side for cute things. He gets so excited and sweet toward them. He really does want to hug a chicken! I'm hoping this will show when we have babies. Right now he says all babies look like aliens and they kinda freak him out. Haha. Maybe he means that in a good way.

Monday

I'm sure I had something interesting I was going to post today...

To Jeffy

My wonderful Jeffrey often tells me he likes to see me without make-up. I don't know why that sometimes is so hard to accept when probably, at some point in my life, I've wished for someone to see me for what I am and love my natural beauty. Sometimes I'll get it. I don't know if he'll ever know or if I'll ever be able to really show him what it means to me to know he feels that way. To have him tell me his favorite time to see me is when I just wake up and he can see just me. Or that the first time he saw me without make-up he said he liked seeing what I look like.
Anyway, I read this today and again "got it."


"When a man is in love, what he finds really attractive is the feeling that he's seeing you for who you truly are," explains REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. "To a guy, the makeup, the sexy outfit, it's all a mask. He wants the woman behind the mask. Openness, vulnerability, an air of contentment — those things are what really turns him on."

ANGELA: The irony is that whenever I feel my hottest — say, when I wear a low-cut blouse and fabulous black stilettos — Rich rarely finds me sexy! I like to wear super-shiny lip gloss, but Rich thinks it's more sticky than kissable; and if I stare longingly into his eyes he just thinks I'm being cheesy. I also feel attractive anytime I'm in candlelight — in fact, I always light candles in the bedroom. I'm sure Rich wonders why I'm so candle obsessed.
RICH: I find Angela the most irresistible when she's zoned out on the couch in front of the TV after a long day at work. She's not wearing any makeup or jewelry. Everything is stripped away, and she's just totally relaxed. I'll look over at her beautiful face and think, Wow, this is a great shot. I have to take a picture. Her natural beauty turns me on much more than when she's all dolled up.

LORENDA: Like most girls, I definitely feel the most sexy when I've got my hair relaxed and set, my eyebrows freshly waxed at the salon, and I'm putting on a dress and heels to go out. The attention to detail that's involved in each of these things gives me a chance to focus on my body and accentuate and showcase my best features. When I know I look my best, I feel more confident — and when I feel confident, I feel sexy.
MATT: I'm most attracted to the things that make Ren unique and show her natural energy. So I love the way she looks the week before she goes to the salon, when her roots have grown so her hair is puffy. I've never met a girl who had such voluminous hair. I love to mess it up so that it gets really big. Also, when she's just gotten home from the gym, all sweaty in her Twizzlers T-shirt, ratty gray yoga pants, and tennis shoes, with her hair pulled back but with a few stray strands plastered to her face. She has a glow in her complexion from doing something she loves, and every part of her body, from hair to sweat, communicates an energy that is very sexy.

Taking Out the Trash

I had an epitome yesterday. I hesitate to try to explain it because I don't want anyone to be offended or take it personally etc. At the same time, I think that saying it really is nothing new and if anything is new, it may be helpful, not critical.

What I realized is that I was raised in a negative, fearful environment. EVERYTHING is hard and scary and impossible and going to bother someone so you better not. I told Jeff this morning that I can't even get my hair done because I better not spend the money, it will bug him if I take the time to do my hair everyday, it will probably bug the dog who has to wait for me to go outside or will freak out if I use the hair dryer so I just better not do it. What the heck? It's my hair for cryin' out loud, not a life changing thing. AND! It's MY hair. Can't I make that decision?

It just seems that nobody does what we want to do or just lives life and is happy about it. And, no offense, but I'm just like these people and I don't want to be! Poor Jeff has to live with me ALWAYS pouting about and struggling with things. Even things that should make me happy, I find something in them to stress about. And you can't just be happy, you have to apologize and down play it all. Argh!

I have another blog on here called my happy hippie journal. It was started because I realized that even when I try to exert my beliefs and feelings etc, I do so in a negative way. I criticize someone when really I'm trying to say that I value the opposite of what they said/did/etc. The other blog was supposed to be a place for me to just be happy and work on saying things in a positive way and say what I want and what I'm doing- no apologies, no negative slant. Maybe that's all I'm saying here.

I didn't even get the dog without feeling stupid about the expense, the mess, the hassle- and I"M THE ONE THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH IT! Why should I apologize to someone else?

Well, because. You tell someone and they groan "what would you want to do that for?"



I wanted to eat healthy and no one else liked it.
I wanted to take a walk or ride my bike and I had to be careful and not go too far.
I wanted to be an artist and the lady at the school said I didn't want to work hard.
I wanted to write stories and the stuff I wrote about wasn't as good as what someone else wrote or might not be "righteous" or it would explore different feelings and that would be bad.
I wanted to be a mom and I can't afford it.
I wanted to fall in love and I had to fear for my morals.
I wanted to wear cute clothes and it was vain.
I wanted to have friends and it would bother someone and we'd have to clean the house.
I wanted to go to church and I had to go by myself.
I wanted to play baseball and I had to play by myself.

Scrubs, the dog and the Disney Channel

Last night on Scrubs, some characters were trying to help J.D. do better with his interns. They told him he is more concerned with them liking him and he needs them to respect him- he's their teacher and leader, not their friend. It showed "flashbacks" to when he was in college and how quick he was to help and please other people in his quest to be liked. It was funny, but sadly reminded me of Me.
I never thought my people pleasing problem was an effort to be liked. I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, I thought it was more a fear of getting in trouble or having people mad at me. In my head, I rationally don't care if most people like me. I don't respect most people enough to care. For real! But, watching the show I realized I do care. And that is what my problem is about.
Even with the dog. Last night I took her for a real walk. This is only like the second time I've taken her past our own apartment yard. She loved it! When we got home it's like she thought we were having this bonding experience and were best friends. She would not leave me alone. As I sat watching t.v. and eating my dinner, she insisted on getting right in my lap and licking me and whining to the point I couldn't stand it.
I have a friend who has twin boys (not Heather :) I once went to the store with them and found it quite silly that at the same time she's telling them no, they can't have a treat and to behave etc, she was opening the treat and handing it to them before she'd even paid. Now, I'm not one to judge (yeah right) but I did take note that her actions were speaking much louder than her words. So, last night as I told the dog to shut up, calm down, and quit licking me as I rubbed her belly and was a pushover for her puppy dog eyes, I scolded myself. But I honestly didn't know what to do. I couldn't be mean to the sweet little thing! And, it probably comes down to wanting her to like me.
So then a movie came on the Disney channel. If I wasn't so tired, I probably would have watched it but I only watched the beginning. A woman apparently had lost her job or her business went under or something and she'd decided to become a high school biology teacher. She said she wasn't afraid because the hardship of it couldn't possibly compare with being a corporate CEO. Well, first day and the class was out of control of course. And the principal basically told her the same thing the other Dr's told J.D. You want them to respect you, not to like you and you have to take charge right from the get go.
I decided (not like I didn't know) that this is why I'm not a teacher. I couldn't do that.
Well, maybe I could learn how to do that. Maybe that's what the classes and training are for. I listen to people at work that come across as nice people but you're scared to get on their bad side and think I guesss I could be like that. But...
I don't think I want to. So... how am I going to survive in the world? For real? And how will I even raise my own children? They are going to need discipline and structure and leadership. Not just a friend?

Community copy/printer/fax machine

I exist to serve and help. I exist for you. That's true isn't it? Even for God. I mean, we go to church and learn to serve and sacrifice and maybe even that that's what God needs us for...

I think I believe that love has to be earned. Sure, I can love someone else for no particular reason, they're just them. But for someone, even God, to love me, I have to earn it. And when I'm not doing the things in my head that I think earn love, I'm afraid I'm not. I don't feel love. I know love. I logisticate (great word hahaha!) love...

You don't have to be the way you've always been...

Yesterday I stood at the community copy/printer/fax machine TRYING to make copies. But just as I'd push copy, someone else would print from their desk and mine would get pushed to the bottom of the list. Then they'd come running over, grab the stack from the out tray, sort through it for their stuff and set the pile somewhere else entirely! Excuse me?!?!?! That's my stuff!
I was so frustrated that a job that used to take me 10 minutes max took about 1/2 an hour. This week has been crazy anyway. Monday, my big day, I asked someone to help that I thought was supposed to be available to help. She said she would but she didn't know how much. Okay, that wasn't rude, she was busy, but it left me feeling like I didn't know where to go to get the job done (she's my supe and told me to ask her for help first before other people). I'm supposed to be able to take orders to customer service when we get so many. So I tried that next. Big fat ugly mean supervisor told me she didn't have anyone that could help. (Uh, there's a sign on the wall that says you have NO calls coming in, you can help me). It was so frustrating. Then, one of "my" people went on vacation this week all through next week but for some reason, no one bothered to tell me he was going to be gone. It would be nice to know considering I'm the one that has to pick up his slack.
So, that's the week I was having and the reason why the community copy/printer/fax machine incident about made me cry. I came back to my desk so overwhelmed and stressed. I can't even do my job! and there is a lot of pressure to get it done. I was shaking and wanted to go home SO badly.
Anyway, Jeff was on messenger so I talked to him. I felt kinda dumb reacting so much over a community copy/printer/fax machine. But I thought maybe if I just tell him that I feel so much physically, he'll understand a little better why I'm so moody sometimes etc. So we talked. Eventually I got over it and I think I felt a lot better having just talked about it.
It got me thinking though. Maybe it's possible to just change. No thinking, planning, analyzing. Maybe I just don't have to be the way I've always been.
So that got me thinking of things I think, ways I am, etc. What kind of "programming" is in there that I could just say, I don't HAVE to be like that anymore?

I exist to make everyone else happy...
I don't deserve love unless I'm absolutely perfect and I know I'm not...
I have to do everything right and I can't make mistakes...
Everyone else knows better than I do...

A Bunch Of Stuff

Today, I awkwardly climbed out of the car (I drove Jeff's car and it's low to the ground but has long doors I can't open all the way if I'm parked next to someone) and stood there straightening my twisted shirt, jacket, pants. I didn't LOOK, but noticed in the back seat of the car next to me there was some kind of swim suit catalog on top of a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs. Hmpf, I thought, as I quickly thought of what the driver of the car might be like- a hot girl and this is her shopping stack? a young stud and this is better than hiding them under his mattress from his mommy? an old pervert?
As I walked to the building, in an attempt to control some of the negative thoughts I've been fighting this week, I thought don't judge so quickly. Just realize you kinda wish you looked like a Victoria's Secret/swimsuit model. That wasn't much more positive to me and I quickly replaced that with, I wish I looked like me.
This was an interesting thought. Not just an acknowledgement of being okay with myself, but thinking okay, what does Me look like? And maybe who Me is right now is different than who Me was a year ago, three years ago or what Me will be like in another year or three.
Perhaps one way to combat self esteem issues and all the messages that are out there is to be very vigilant in looking inside. (Well duh- thought I was getting somewhere- thinking as I type...).
The other day Jeff said something about true beauty is on the inside (I don't remember what we were talking about but it wasn't directed at me). I said, yeah, that's just supposed to be a nice way to say you're ugly so get over it and find something else to like about yourself. He said he never really liked that phrase but he does really think that true beauty STARTS on the inside and can surface. That's a good thought.
So, again, what does Me look like? What inner beauty can I bring to the surface?

Speaking of beauty. I read an article that some dermatologist has a theory (at the END of the article they tell you no studies have been done on it, it's just this guy's thoughts) that some lip gloss can cause or help bring about skin cancer on your lips. He says the really glossy kind with no SPF is like putting a magnifying glass over lips in the sun. It described some of the skin conditions he's seen on the lips that aren't cancer but weird growths and spots etc. Kinda really grossed me out. Sometimes, especially lately for some reason, I've wondered about all the chemicals we put on (not to mention in- microwaves and processed food with indefinite shelf lives) our bodies for beauty and even hygeine. Kinda scary.

And somehow this thought fits in here too. It's not developed and I was trying to formulate a blog out of it but couldn't or haven't yet. Do you know who Miley Cyrus is? She plays Hannah Montana on a Disney channel show. I've never watched it but I know little girls at the day care and the boss's daugher here kinda idolize her. She's a singer and does concerts as both peronas- Hannah and Miley. She's touted, from what little I know, as this clean all American role model, unlike Britney Spears and the rest. Even the Christian radio station I sometimes frequent talks about her. Her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus is a country singer who I guess is so full of Christian family values.
Well anyway, the latest thing on MSN and the radio stations (hm, not the Christian one) is about risque pictures of Miley. I guess there are some provocative ones on MySpace or somewhere that show a hint of her green bra and her laying on her boyfriend, and then I guess the big one is a photo shoot she did for Vanity Fair (?) that was supposedly supposed to be some artsy fartsy thing but really is an almost naked 15 year old girl trying (or perhaps accomplishing?) looking sexy. Hm...
Whatever your judgements... it's just sad to me that someone so young is being thrown into that world. And it seems to happen to all of them. And when it's someone that's supposedly so clean cut and a role model for kids, it makes me really sad. Can't even our little girls exist without trying to be sexy and worry about looks etc etc etc.
And then here's my interesting but undeveloped thought... I'm not even sure how to say it. I was just kinda thinking that maybe, in some way, it's natural or like a right of passage for girls, probably at young-mid teenagehood, to become aware of their sexuality. To realize they have this... seductiveness? for lack of a better word. And maybe just to feel pretty and not in a Daddy says I'm cute and his little girl way but in a I'm a woman kind of way. So, posing for pictures and acting slutty isn't the way to go about expressing or exploring this. But maybe it's these kind of stories/examples that have always made that feeling (if I ever had it) in me get stifled. These things are bad. She's bad and we don't like her and don't want to be like that. So, any feelings I may have had of oh, I'm a girl or oh, I'm pretty or whatever, kinda got associated with negative things when really the feelings not bad, it's the expression of it? Or something like that.

Hm... someone at work has a birthday today. I just heard her tell someone she's 30. She looks... not old, but older and grown up. She has kids and a husband and has lived in another state. She has a more take charge kind of job and talks with authority and assertiveness. Am I old? and I just don't know it? I can't see myself as a grown up. Maybe I need to start.