1. I try to stack the groceries in the cart nice and neat and keep similar items together. All the frozen stuff in one corner, paper products and toiletries in another. This seems perfectly natural to me and it kind of happens by itself as you progress through the store, but sometimes it takes a lot of effort and I have to stop and rearrange the cart before I can go on. I've also been with people who just throw their stuff in there. It makes me cringe! Along with this, I have to hang my clothes so that all the shirts etc face the same way in the closet. So does my husband (of his own accord, not because I make him). And I have to hang similar styles together.
2. The filling in Twinkies is what makes my teeth hurt! (See Benny's blog). But it's more like the roof of my mouth. It's almost a nauseating type of pain.
3. When I was a kid- really young, perhaps before kindergarten?- I didn't know what dreaming was so I made up dreaming about going to Disneyland. I didn't even know I was "making it up" at the time, but later felt really guilty for lying. I also used to deliver messages (from one parent to another or from the phone) by saying, he said .... "or something like that." I added the something like that part because I thought I would be lying if I didn't get it exactly right. If my dad said "tell your mom I'll be home in a while" and I said "dad said he'll be home in a bit," usually because I didn't remember his exact words, I thought it would be a lie.
4. I like camoflouge pants for girls.
5. When Jeff leaves for work at night, I sleep with a big red dog and a pretty red bear he gave me for Valentine's day. He recently brought home a brightly colored chicken that I now too make sure is on the bed with me. All these things make me not feel so lonely while he's gone, but I also include his chicken because I don't want the chicken to feel left out!
6. My favorite part of making Kraft dinner is eating the noodles that get stuck to the spoon I use to stir and serve it with. They truly are the best part. As is the last bite of ice-cream, in a cone, when you pop the whole end in your mouth and it squishes out.
7. We plan to name our children after the water cycle: Rayne, River, Cloud and Sky.
8. I work a lot in Access databases for my job. I took a level one class recently and felt like I learned a lot but when I get in and try to actually do stuff, I realize how basic the class was. I've recently had to get in and change some things around and I've been figuring it out. Today I had to do a BIG thing with it that I hadn't done before and no one had shown me. I had some good notes on it and I figured it out!!!! I feel very proud of myself.
I don't think there's anyone left to tag...
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
It's a rich man's world?
There's a girl at work that's around my age- a couple years younger, I think. She is quitting in August because she is getting married and moving to Cyprus (it's in the Middle East area somewhere?) and going to travel around Europe. She is very pretty and very smart and very nice and very professional. Some people in my area were talking yesterday because they've posted her job, looking for a replacement, and it gives the starting salary at $60,000. Apparently, this girl isn't making that much; they will be adding responsibilities to the position after she's gone. Still, word is, she makes about $40,000 and has an MBA.
This got the people around me talking about different people and how much they make, from the customer service people to the higher ups. I really don't think of myself as a wordly person, but it gets me thinking (I have been anyway) that I should be doing more with my education and making more money. I think I'm a smart person. I think I could be capable of taking on a lot. But at the same time, I don't think I'd want the stress. The girl who's getting married has to take care of A LOT of stuff around here. I don't know, even if I had the brain and experience, that I'd WANT to do that. And yet, I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my time, my talents, my education. I don't like that we only make enough to pay the bills and MAYBE, if we're careful, we can order a pizza once a payday. I feel like I've worked too hard to get here to be living like that.
So... what do you do? How do you find that balance in life? How do you define success and happiness? And then, once you have defined it for yourself, how do you get it? I really, honestly, truly, sometimes think I would like to move to Wyoming and be a llama farmer (maybe Wyoming is too cold for them) or go to Alaska and raise sled dogs. But in reality, I have no clue about those things and it will probably never happen. But how do you find your own equivalent? How do I find what I do know, what I can do? Hmm...
This got the people around me talking about different people and how much they make, from the customer service people to the higher ups. I really don't think of myself as a wordly person, but it gets me thinking (I have been anyway) that I should be doing more with my education and making more money. I think I'm a smart person. I think I could be capable of taking on a lot. But at the same time, I don't think I'd want the stress. The girl who's getting married has to take care of A LOT of stuff around here. I don't know, even if I had the brain and experience, that I'd WANT to do that. And yet, I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my time, my talents, my education. I don't like that we only make enough to pay the bills and MAYBE, if we're careful, we can order a pizza once a payday. I feel like I've worked too hard to get here to be living like that.
So... what do you do? How do you find that balance in life? How do you define success and happiness? And then, once you have defined it for yourself, how do you get it? I really, honestly, truly, sometimes think I would like to move to Wyoming and be a llama farmer (maybe Wyoming is too cold for them) or go to Alaska and raise sled dogs. But in reality, I have no clue about those things and it will probably never happen. But how do you find your own equivalent? How do I find what I do know, what I can do? Hmm...
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Forgiveness and Change
I will try to keep this vague on purpose and hope it still makes sense. In the last few days, I have had an encounter with an old friend. This particular friend has hurt me in the past in a way that's hard to explain to other people. A lot of trust has been injured in me and it affects a lot of current and future relationships with other people as well as with myself. In the past, I thought I had forgiven this person- several times actually- and let things go. I thought I could be a grown up enough to deal with the scars that were left and smart enough to overcome the effects they have.
Recently however, there were a series of events that brought out the old wounds worse than ever. It's like someone ripping the scar right off your skin and pouring salt into the open wound. Trying to be vague, I'll leave it at that but wanting to explain myself (I'm as clear as mud?) I'll say, yes, it was that bad. I have felt very defensive and vowed to never see this person again or have anything to do with them.
However, that was not a possibility. My most recent encounter was a happy occassion. I didn't want to think about all the hurt and I can be pretty good at denial, so I ignored a lot of things and just enjoyed the rest of what was going on. What happened though surprised me. I jokingly told this person about something stupid they'd done- nothing to do with the big bad pain- and they looked sincerely sorry for it. This was no big deal at all, just playful teasing in a fitting moment. Because of all that was going on, I felt like I don't want to have hate and hurt for this person. It's too tiring to hold onto the conviction to protect myself from past hurt by avoiding any contact or awareness of this person. I felt myself wanting to be involved with this person.
Later, thinking about all this, it popped into my head without any permission of mine, "but is it okay to forgive all that happened?" This is not as cold hearted as it sounds. I've read the conference talks and had the Sunday school lessons and I know why it's important to forgive and I HAVE wanted that. What this thought was asking was, is it okay to not explain to people- important people, aquaintances, everybody!- why I am the way I am? Is it okay to let go of the pain and not worry about the scars that I think everyone sees? Is it okay to stop reacting the way I do trying to hide my injuries and weaknesses? Is it okay if not everyone knows my secret? I think what I'm trying to say is, can I be a whole person without wearing my injuries on the outside... like, is it honest or something?
Anyway... I'm not sure how/if this fits but it's also on my mind. My mom and siblings threw a big 4th of July barbeque party yesterday. I was excited; I like celebrating things. I was also a bit apprehensive because my hubby is not one to go out and play and socialize (just so you know, that's usually a good thing and we get along great with it) and I wasn't sure how the day would go with him. And, he had to work at midnight so I didn't know when he would need to be sleeping (he usually just doesn't). A few days before the party my mom was telling me all the people who would be there- a whole bunch of new people and friends of people I don't know. This also brought out my apprehension.
Both my siblings went through an unexpected divorce in the last year. Perhaps it's selfish, but it's been hard on me too. I feel like I lost two sisters... I did lose two sisters! It's been 12 or 15 years that I've spent loving these people, accepting them as family and building relationships. As my mom told me about all the new people that would be coming, I got very upset. I felt like I don't want to go either, I'll just stay home with Jeff. I don't want to feel awkward in my own home and not know people and be expected to just accept them as family just because someone else likes them.
I know that sounds horrible. I guess I'm more hard hearted than I like to think I am, but hopefully you'll see that it's because I've felt hurt. While I was getting ready for the day, for some reason I thought of my brother's dogs which made me wonder if my sister would be bringing her wife's dog... I was so sad to remember that he had died and even sadder to remember that they're divorced and her wife wouldn't be there either. Mind you, neither of my "sisters" were at my wedding and that was sad too. But anyway...
I did go to the family party. Jamesy and Khrystine went to the store with me and I was SO incredibly happy. I was dancing and singing down the aisle just to have their company. And the BBQ itself was great. My sister's new girlfriend is SO wonderful. I DO love her and feel like she's family. All their friends were great and fun to have around. And my brother's new girlfriend and all her kids, I have to admit I was very nervous about. It's like I don't want to replace my old sister in law and neice and nephews... but you know what? I felt love for them too. Her kids are adorable- ALL of them. One of them looks and acts so much like my husband it's crazy. It was so fun to talk to him, it was like knowing what my sons will be like. And the little ones called my mom grandma and it wasn't even weird. The daughter is deaf and I wanted so much to talk to her, I just didn't know how.
So, I guess life goes on. Things change. You get hurt. And I guess it is okay to let go of it and move on and love people. It's so scary somehow. It's like instead of that giving me peace and letting me know it's okay, I'm more afraid than ever. New people to hurt and be hurt by and lose... or new people to love and take care of? I guess it's a two edged sword and that's life and that's a good thing.
Recently however, there were a series of events that brought out the old wounds worse than ever. It's like someone ripping the scar right off your skin and pouring salt into the open wound. Trying to be vague, I'll leave it at that but wanting to explain myself (I'm as clear as mud?) I'll say, yes, it was that bad. I have felt very defensive and vowed to never see this person again or have anything to do with them.
However, that was not a possibility. My most recent encounter was a happy occassion. I didn't want to think about all the hurt and I can be pretty good at denial, so I ignored a lot of things and just enjoyed the rest of what was going on. What happened though surprised me. I jokingly told this person about something stupid they'd done- nothing to do with the big bad pain- and they looked sincerely sorry for it. This was no big deal at all, just playful teasing in a fitting moment. Because of all that was going on, I felt like I don't want to have hate and hurt for this person. It's too tiring to hold onto the conviction to protect myself from past hurt by avoiding any contact or awareness of this person. I felt myself wanting to be involved with this person.
Later, thinking about all this, it popped into my head without any permission of mine, "but is it okay to forgive all that happened?" This is not as cold hearted as it sounds. I've read the conference talks and had the Sunday school lessons and I know why it's important to forgive and I HAVE wanted that. What this thought was asking was, is it okay to not explain to people- important people, aquaintances, everybody!- why I am the way I am? Is it okay to let go of the pain and not worry about the scars that I think everyone sees? Is it okay to stop reacting the way I do trying to hide my injuries and weaknesses? Is it okay if not everyone knows my secret? I think what I'm trying to say is, can I be a whole person without wearing my injuries on the outside... like, is it honest or something?
Anyway... I'm not sure how/if this fits but it's also on my mind. My mom and siblings threw a big 4th of July barbeque party yesterday. I was excited; I like celebrating things. I was also a bit apprehensive because my hubby is not one to go out and play and socialize (just so you know, that's usually a good thing and we get along great with it) and I wasn't sure how the day would go with him. And, he had to work at midnight so I didn't know when he would need to be sleeping (he usually just doesn't). A few days before the party my mom was telling me all the people who would be there- a whole bunch of new people and friends of people I don't know. This also brought out my apprehension.
Both my siblings went through an unexpected divorce in the last year. Perhaps it's selfish, but it's been hard on me too. I feel like I lost two sisters... I did lose two sisters! It's been 12 or 15 years that I've spent loving these people, accepting them as family and building relationships. As my mom told me about all the new people that would be coming, I got very upset. I felt like I don't want to go either, I'll just stay home with Jeff. I don't want to feel awkward in my own home and not know people and be expected to just accept them as family just because someone else likes them.
I know that sounds horrible. I guess I'm more hard hearted than I like to think I am, but hopefully you'll see that it's because I've felt hurt. While I was getting ready for the day, for some reason I thought of my brother's dogs which made me wonder if my sister would be bringing her wife's dog... I was so sad to remember that he had died and even sadder to remember that they're divorced and her wife wouldn't be there either. Mind you, neither of my "sisters" were at my wedding and that was sad too. But anyway...
I did go to the family party. Jamesy and Khrystine went to the store with me and I was SO incredibly happy. I was dancing and singing down the aisle just to have their company. And the BBQ itself was great. My sister's new girlfriend is SO wonderful. I DO love her and feel like she's family. All their friends were great and fun to have around. And my brother's new girlfriend and all her kids, I have to admit I was very nervous about. It's like I don't want to replace my old sister in law and neice and nephews... but you know what? I felt love for them too. Her kids are adorable- ALL of them. One of them looks and acts so much like my husband it's crazy. It was so fun to talk to him, it was like knowing what my sons will be like. And the little ones called my mom grandma and it wasn't even weird. The daughter is deaf and I wanted so much to talk to her, I just didn't know how.
So, I guess life goes on. Things change. You get hurt. And I guess it is okay to let go of it and move on and love people. It's so scary somehow. It's like instead of that giving me peace and letting me know it's okay, I'm more afraid than ever. New people to hurt and be hurt by and lose... or new people to love and take care of? I guess it's a two edged sword and that's life and that's a good thing.
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