Anger Management

Is anger ever a good emotion?

Sometimes I wish I could get or stay mad because at least that would be some sort of self defense (I usually feel I have none). Sometimes it seems that anger gives you the chance to say what you really feel and to clear the air. To still feel love after, or during, the anger testifies of the strength of your love. To make someone mad and still know they love you offers a lot of security and a feeling of acceptance.

But still, I don't believe in anger. Overall, I don't think it is a productive, worth while emotion. Does it REALLY get you anywhere? or is that just looking at the bright side of a dark cloud?

I recently heard someone at work yelling at her daughter on the phone. I could tell the mother was frustrated and maybe the child even "deserved it." The mother was saying "this is unacceptable." For some reason I imagined the two at home that evening, after the smoke had cleared. Would they laugh and feel close to each other? Would all be well? Would there be an evening of adjusting, not quite able to let go of hurt feelings, and needing to get back to "normal?" It made me sad.

It seems to me that some people can get mad or be mad at and just get over it. The anger is like popping a pimple and then it's gone. Some people seem to handle criticism and the wrath of a loved one or one in authority as if it's no big deal. I worked at a day care over the summer and a couple of my superiors ALWAYS seemed angry. It often seemed like the only way to get the kids to behave was to yell and be mad and punitive. Some kids shrugged it off, some not even listening. Other kids internalized it, some cried... you could see in their little eyes a shutting down. And the ones that did seem to handle it well? Sometimes, in sympathetic moments, it looked as if they had already shut down a long time ago.

I went to my fiance's dad's house on Sunday. Recently, Jeff's step mom has had some of her family move in with them. Jeff's little brother noticed that something that should have been done, wasn't and he tried to tell the new older boys that they needed to watch for it. That or he just saw a chance to get after them about something. He tried to raise his voice and sound angry and in charge. I haven't seen him like that before; perhaps it's part of his personality to talk that way to people? Maybe he felt a need to assert himself when his space is being a bit invaded. Maybe that's how people talk to him when he forgets to do something.

Last night I got mad at Jeff. He was bugging me and I tried to be nice about it. I tried to ignore him. I tried to fake being angry to get his attention. Nothing was working and I was finally so frustrated I yelled at him. It did seem to get his attention and make my point, but really all it did was leave me feeling sad. I don't want to feel that way toward him. I don't like talking to him that way. I apologized for being a jerk and reacting that way to something playful. He said maybe he was the one being the jerk and being insensitive. Maybe it's true on both sides, but all that happened is, we both felt like jerks. I don't like what it says about how we are relating even if just in that moment.

Anger says to the other person that "I am the boss." This means that their feelings, thoughts, etc don't matter. "I'm big and you're small..." It says that all that matters at this moment is how I feel and what I want. It tries to take charge of a situation or change the way things are going by belittling the other person- squishing them into submission. That's the only way the mom could get her kid to do what needed to be done. It's the only way the daycare could keep the kids under control. It was the brother's attempt to not lose his space, his home, his grounding. And it was the only way I could get Jeff's attention.

I don't see how, in the long run, anger changed anything for the better in those situations. Sure, the situation was changed, under control, perhaps even the result or outcome was what was needed. But even for those who are able to shrug it off, doesn't it change something more than the situation? Some of us are sensitive to that change. Others aren't. But it's still there and I'm not sure that it's good. In fact, I think it's something bad.

Maybe next time, the daughter will be quicker to do what the mother asks and is therefore learning responsiblity. Next time Jeff's being annoying, maybe I'll think more about what attention I'm not giving him and maybe next time he'll know better how to get it. Or maybe we'll all just be hesitant to act or feel anything. Maybe we'll all learn that our initial need or way of dealing with something wasn't good enough- it just brought anger.

But, what can we do? If Jeff won't listen until I get angry, or the daughter won't get things done until she's yelled at, or the daycare is out of control unless someone mean is in charge, maybe we have to get mad. What is our alternative?

Blue Bells, Wedding Bells

A few weeks ago at church, Jeff's step mom had them announce our engagement. Usually I don't get too embarrassed by those things and what feelings I do have of climbing under the seat so no one can look at me, I can usually block by pretending. I was a teacher after all and getting up in front of crowds, at least when I know what I'm talking about, isn't that big of a deal. With Jeff, I can hide nothing- even when other people are around. There's been more than a couple times when I've felt sad and wanted to keep it to myself- at least for a while- and he looks in my eyes and asks why I'm sad. He's wonderful, but I digress. For some reason, I was so embarrassed to stand up when they announced this at church- I didn't want everyone looking at me and sharing something so personal and I couldn't hide it. We both stood there looking at the floor and blushing. How silly.

People have been very nice and tell us congratulations. I guess it's because I'm the girl, but with the congrats comes a lot of questions and then advice. The following week, I had several people tell me congratulations only to follow it up with advice from printing invitations to pre marital counseling. This is all fine. People are just being nice, being excited for us, and making conversation. But, being me...

You all probably know the rest of the story, so you don't have to keep reading :)...

Being me, it's hard not to internalize all of it. I kinda left church feeling like a bunch of strangers were going to end up planning MY wedding and it was going to be NOTHING like what we both want. Jeff has been very supportive and keeps telling me to not listen to them and that it's MY wedding. He even tells me it's my wedding and he'll be there, but it's up to me how it all goes. That's nice, but I want him to be a part of the planning etc.

I'm suddenly wondering if he'll mind if I share this.

The other night we got talking about how we've imagined it and he told me of how he's dreamed his wedding- the setting, the flowers, the colors. It's perfect and we are very in sink (how do you spell that? what a funny expression! I'm in the sink??)

We've been thinking red. After Ben and Mel's nuptials, I imagined doing things a lot the same. I loved the elegance and the intimacy. For some reason, a year ago I fell in love with red. I wanted a new red car and my wedding was going to be red and I bought all new red ornaments for my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Red is one of Jeff's favorite colors and he claims that the only flowers he likes are red roses. So it all seemed perfect.

But when we talked the other night, he said that he always saw a lot of blue- light sky blue, even though it's not necessarily one of his favorites. When I was younger, for a long time, I wanted dark blue and white for my wedding. Perhaps somewhere along the way, someone said that that would be too dark or something. I went to sleep that night seeing blue flowers and feeling very calm.

We also want to keep things very small. Jeff says we should have only immediate family and joked about having bouncers with a list of who can come in. I said Karen would love that job! I don't know if it's even possible to keep things that small. I'm not sure how I feel about some friends and family members. But either way, we won't be inviting everyone we've ever known. And there won't be a parade of bride's maids etc.

We'd like to have an outdoor ceremony. In the mountains or a forest with lots of trees. At the end of March, that's kind of risky. Any suggestions? We're not sure where that would be. He's mentioned a place that his church goes camping that might be a nice set up. I think that could be kind of cool. I've thought of a few parks I've been too that might be a nice setting. Again, there's the weather to worry about. And, doing it that way, a lot of the set up would be left to us. But, I feel like I'd almost prefer that. It seems to detract from things to pay gargantuan amounts of money to rent a place. And then you have someone else doing it their way. But maybe it would be nice to have someone else do all the work.

I liked Gina's wedding too. It was simple and close and felt like what a wedding should be. Family, outdoors, a bit of cake, and just enjoying the day and each other.

Hmm... So much to think about. And those of you reading this, I'd like your thoughts and opinions. I don't feel like you take over. Besides, I know and love you. So don't hold back just because of what I said about people at church. It's just a me reaction.

Life is Good

Surprisingly, I keep finding brief moments of lull at work. Perhaps once in a while, I can drop a line of my own...

I have recently started a new job. So far, so good. I think my title is Circulation Production Clerk. Not very glamorous eh? But when have I ever been the glam type? I work for the Newspaper Agency. They have a program that donates newspapers to schools. It's good for the paper's numbers (advertising, etc) and a good educational resource for the teachers. My job mostly keeps track of those orders and dleiveries. Each week I print out thousands of pages of reports telling a bunch of different people where all the papers are going the next week. Exciting stuff. One of my other tasks is to put in some information about the papers and wrap up that days papers for mailing. Where these papers go and what the purpose is, I do not yet know. But one number I have to look at is the percentage of the paper- by volume?- actual number of pages, I think- is advertising. It's crazy. The number is usually around 50% and on the weekends is more around 75. As I said, good educational resource. A few days a week I also have to sort through a thousand pages finding certain numbers for what they call press reports. Again, I'm not sure where these reports go or what they are for, but it seems like a big waste of tree to print out the pages I get the info from. But, what do I know? My job is a lot of entering numbers into different data bases and spreadsheets (P.S. this is NOT math, just numbers), but being the nerd that I am, I like it. I like forms and spreadsheets and numbers and having my list of tasks to do everyday and filing things away and organizing it all.

Onto more interesting topics... Jeff and I saw a movie last weekend called "Fearless" starring Jet Li. It was really cool. I suppose I expected an action movie of fighting, even though Jeff's shown me enough in the past few months, I should know better, and I do like to see the fighting styles as an art. But it was so much better and more than that. The scenery was beautiful. The culture and philosophy were admirable. And Jeff's been waiting all week to go see it again.

I have been having lots of thoughts and ideas about my wedding. It's exciting but how does it ever come to fruition? I feel a bit lost. I keep imagining the PRETTY and hope at some point, I'll know how to make it happen. Maybe I just need to start acting on things?