Karma Chameleon

As a child, Jane thought of herself as a bit of a tomboy. While she loved baby dolls and Barbie and had a really cool pair of pink courdoroy shoes and sweatshirts with hearts on them, she also loved baseball and playing kickball. She was afraid of the tricky bars, had more boy friends than girls, and liked dressing up for Halloween as a beat up football player or karate kid just as much as she did the princess.

When Jane hit junior high she suddenly was afraid of boys which weren't just the boys from elementary school, they were supposed to be "guys." A "boyfriend" wasn't someone you shared your lunch and walked home with, but someone whose hand you held and might even kiss him! There were suddenly rules for being socially accepted- how you dressed and talked and acted. Like a lot of 12 year old girls, Jane was disoriented and unsure of herself in her new surroundings.

Jane survived! and actually quite well. She even had FUN in high school. I don't want to make her out to be some nerdy wall flower with no self-esteem. But self-esteem was a hard issue for her. She'd figured out the junior high rules and knew how to fit in. But maybe that's not SUCH a good thing. Like a chameleon adapting to it's environment. Sure it's safe, but it has no true color.

In high school, Jane wore a lot of men's clothes. She was kind of chubby so they fit better. She was embarrassed about her body so they hid that. But what it honestly probably came down to? Jane liked them. To her, there was something very feminine about a good pair of jeans and a stylish men's button up shirt. To quote Shania, "man's shirt, short skirt, uh wo-oh-oh... man, I feel like a woman."

Once Jane started college and, she would say, "got some self esteem" the men's clothes got weeded out of her wardrobe. She wears skirts and very feminine tops to work almost everyday. She can't stand the suit look and feels very sloppy in a baggy t-shirt and work out pants. But lately...

Jane has really needed to reconnect with that ten year old "tom boy." The one that wore pink shoes and gave the boys a good run for their money in the recess soccer game. She doesn't want to go back to the baggy men's clothes. Jane very much believes in the feminine qualities of being a woman. But where is that child? What could/would she have added to Jane if she didn't get lost in the halls of junior high? How can Jane give her a voice?

Jane the Sociologist

I've heard and read that men are afraid of committment. The more life goes on, the more I disbelief generalities like that. Every person you meet is different. I do however enjoy the kind of sociological look at the genders, people in different stages of life, different races, cultures, psychologies, etc. So, in that regard, here's my "I'm gonna write a brilliant book someday" idea.

Men are not afraid of commitment. They're afraid of rejection. Men DO fall in love at first sight and while we tend to think they think and feel with things besides their mind and hearts, their feelings run deeper than we give them credit for. Unfortunately, society says, boys don't cry. So, not only do they have a lot to lose when they DO feel love etc, but they don't always have a socially acceptable outlet for their feelings. What appears to be fear of commitment is really just caution that if they get into it, they will have more to lose. So when we as women insist on it and are ready to jump right in, and they hesitate, we freak out. And they see exactly what they are afraid of. Someone they are trying to be a knight in shining armor for threatening to leave if they can't give her what she wants. Then they definitely don't want to commit because it's not a safe place to be.

We are taught to see men as big, strong, brave creatures. We don't often see them as gentle, feeling, thinking human beings. Isn't that sad? That's why I like men at church- they seem more demonstrative of affection with each other, they cry over spiritual things, they seem better able to express what I've always believed to be in there. Maybe, without hurting their pride and male ego, men really need women to treat them like puppy dogs. Respect their bark, feed them, play with them, pet them, and they will be yours forever. Kick them and they'll fear and never trust you.

Does anyone out there believe in seeing men not as jerks who will hurt you and just want one thing when it comes to dating and that you have to "trick" into a relationship, but as good people who feel and think and experience life a lot like we think we do?

Give your love away

I never realized before that being shy and afraid to love someone is rude and selfish- to say the least. Jane's always been afraid of giving herself- she doesn't want to bother the other person, she's felt annoying and so much like she had nothing to offer that people would DISlike it if she tried to give what she did have. She thought this was sadly directed inward and only hurt herself.

But imagine if you were Jane's friend or parent or sibling or date and all you wanted to do is love her but she doesn't lover herself enough to let you. If you wanted to make her laugh but she's too embarrassed by the sound of her own voice to reward you with it. She feels too goofy to relax and have fun with you.

When Jane loves someone...
some of the greatest things in the world are when her neice talks about school and boys, when her sister in law laughs at her funnies, when the guy she likes holds her hand, when her mom spends the afternoon in conversation with her. But Jane has been too afraid to give these things back. People would be bored by her stories, she doesn't want to take your time, or bother yo with the touch of her hand.

HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!

Saying this, I dont' even feel the fear and self disapproval. It doesn't make sense!!! It makes me want to laugh and sing. It's not nice to assume you don't like me? Who'd-a-thunk it!?