As not nice as it may be, Jane wants to tell a story about her friend Buffy. This is not meant to be a judgement! THink of it more as a science experiment where your feedback is the collected data.
Several years ago, Buffy was engaged to a guy named Geoffery. Admittedly, Buffy had doubts that this was really "the one," but she also talked about how great he was, how good he made her feel, and Jane, who knew Buffy for as much of her life as she can remember, thought she saw Buffy happier than she'd ever seen her.
Buffy and Geoffery lived back east but planeed on moving west to plan the wedding and be closer to Buffy's family. So, Buffy came here to look for an apartment, get a car, etc. Then, one fateful night, Buffy went out with her friend Freakshow. She met Guy #2, kissed him, and went home that very night and broke up with Geoffery.
Geoffery was heartbroken and willing to take Buffy back- at least he didn't want to let it go so easily. But Buffy insisted this was where she was to be. Within a month, she moved in with Guy #2 and in another 2 or 3 months, THEY broke up. This time, Buffy was left heartbroken and devastated and trying to hold onto something that wasn't there.
Who is Jane to know how Buffy really felt? But, Jane can't help thinking that Buffy could (or would?) have been happier if she stayed with Geoffery. Jane was convinced, and still is, that he would love and adore Buffy forever.
Would Buffy had known she was happy when she had doubts about Geoffery and would have had to, in her mind, walk away from what she thought was a blow your mind love at first sight thing with Guy #2?
If love is an action, if it's, to some extent, a choice as previous blogs have stated, Jane's hypothesis is that perhaps Buffy made a not so wise choice and if she would have been a bit more logical, she could have avoided the heartbreak. Yes, once again Jane is looking for right vs. wrong answers rather than seeing life for the complexity that it is. Jane, as usual, is just confused and scared and trying to see the end result without taking the journey. She's afraid she'll make a "mistake" (who's to say it was?) like Buffy who may have let doubts and fears get in the way. On the other hand, Jane's friend Hilda married a boy she met in high school two years after having his baby and is now not even thirty and divorced with three kids. ANother friend, Agnes, is just getting divorced as well. Maybe they should have listened MORE to their doubts?
The common denominator among Buffy, Hilda, and Agnes seems to be that they didn't let enough logic rule their love decisions. Buffy was swept away by one moment of passion. Hilda probably gave in to low self esteem. And poor Agnes was probably a victim of environment and lower standards. I know there is no way to safe guard against someone else hurting you. But, Jane is so logical at times she's afraid it keeps her from even having a love situation. But then, if she threw out all logic, she's afraid of ending up like so many hurt and disappointed people.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sunday School Lesson
Today in church we had two lessons about marriage. One thought that was brought up was that love makes you want to be better than who you are.
I agree. I want to find someone who makes me want to look good everyday, be more kind and gentle, smarter, more active. All the things I think make me a better person. But as we talked in our lessons, I got thinking of poor perfectionist Jane.
All her life, Jane has had a picture of what she thought she would/should be when she grew up. Religion classes in college epitomized this. Girls there wore cardigan sweaters and loose jeans, loafers and little make-up, had shoulder or chin length smooth bobbed hair, played the piano and sang in choir, and most (I'm not kidding) majored in childhood development. I shall say this in caps: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE THINGS, but as a whole picture, Jane never felt adequate. Jane liked sweaters and comfy shoes, she even had short hair. But have you ever heard her sing? The only way she could play guitar was by tapping her foot in a mathematical way and counting dilligently the notes. She majored in mathematics! Supposedly that's not a very girlie subject and people thought she was too smart for the average guy. Poor Jane again.
But that's what was so great about college. Not just getting a degree or looking for a career, but finding the real JANE! Much has happened to do away with that vision of perfect.
What Jane's realizing now is that she's also had a picture of perfect love. The guy that would make her everything. (I know, I said this in a previous blog- too bad, stop reading if it annoys you!) The point being that poor Jane didn't know that she was holding her soul mate to the same strict standards she had always tried and failed to live up to! She thought he would be the one to make all those things better and okay. What she's realizing now is that she thought that would happen because he would inspire her, allow her, expect of her to be all those things!
That means that Jane, whether she knew it or not, has been looking for the male counterpart to her not so perfect perfect version of herself! And that's no good!!! She doesn't want the guy who doesn't ever swear or get angry, who always eats all his vegetables and always has good thoughts (not that she doesn't want all these things). But Jane needs someone who can make out without crossing the line, who feels passion and so he gets angry once in a while, who has days when he doesn't feel like getting up for church. Perfect is feeling those things and being good anyway. Or forgiving yourself and each other for not being good anyway.
So, yes, Jane wants someone who inspires her to be her best self. But not someone who puts those expectations of "perfect" back on her.
I agree. I want to find someone who makes me want to look good everyday, be more kind and gentle, smarter, more active. All the things I think make me a better person. But as we talked in our lessons, I got thinking of poor perfectionist Jane.
All her life, Jane has had a picture of what she thought she would/should be when she grew up. Religion classes in college epitomized this. Girls there wore cardigan sweaters and loose jeans, loafers and little make-up, had shoulder or chin length smooth bobbed hair, played the piano and sang in choir, and most (I'm not kidding) majored in childhood development. I shall say this in caps: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE THINGS, but as a whole picture, Jane never felt adequate. Jane liked sweaters and comfy shoes, she even had short hair. But have you ever heard her sing? The only way she could play guitar was by tapping her foot in a mathematical way and counting dilligently the notes. She majored in mathematics! Supposedly that's not a very girlie subject and people thought she was too smart for the average guy. Poor Jane again.
But that's what was so great about college. Not just getting a degree or looking for a career, but finding the real JANE! Much has happened to do away with that vision of perfect.
What Jane's realizing now is that she's also had a picture of perfect love. The guy that would make her everything. (I know, I said this in a previous blog- too bad, stop reading if it annoys you!) The point being that poor Jane didn't know that she was holding her soul mate to the same strict standards she had always tried and failed to live up to! She thought he would be the one to make all those things better and okay. What she's realizing now is that she thought that would happen because he would inspire her, allow her, expect of her to be all those things!
That means that Jane, whether she knew it or not, has been looking for the male counterpart to her not so perfect perfect version of herself! And that's no good!!! She doesn't want the guy who doesn't ever swear or get angry, who always eats all his vegetables and always has good thoughts (not that she doesn't want all these things). But Jane needs someone who can make out without crossing the line, who feels passion and so he gets angry once in a while, who has days when he doesn't feel like getting up for church. Perfect is feeling those things and being good anyway. Or forgiving yourself and each other for not being good anyway.
So, yes, Jane wants someone who inspires her to be her best self. But not someone who puts those expectations of "perfect" back on her.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I'm sexist... and that's a good thing?
In a relationship, the woman should be pretty, not the man
Maybe it's unfortunate, but I think physical attraction is more important to men than to women. Not that we don't want something pretty, but maybe, generally speaking, women have forgotten what we truly need in a man. We don't need the guy with rock hard abs and the wink or small touch that makes us shiver (yes shivering is a good thing, but bear with me). A lot of my students are single mothers in their mid-twenties and I get to hear about "hot" great boyfriends. Eventually, a large percet of the time, I find out that the guy is in jail (or just got out) or she met him in a bar or club and he was so drunk that when they talked next, he didn't remember what color hair she has!
In the movie "Hitch," he says any guy has a chance with any girl. What Hitch has to learn is that it's still about love and not just knowing how to play the right game, but that's what I loved about the movie. It was like a guy Cinderella story. A back lash of sorts. For so long women have been treated as sex objects, but now they are doing the same to the men. I thought the point of the movie was that everyone deserves love, not just the pretty people, and that love is more than physical anyway. My kudos.
Jane adores beyond belief her baby brother. He is the funniest, smartest, most spiritual and insightful guy you could ever meet. Maybe it sounds strange to people, but I've heard people say you get a sort of crush on your kids as they grow up and change. Well, that was always true of Jane and her baby brother. Even when they were little, she thought he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. Recently they travelled together with some friends, and all of that came back again (not that it ever left). Jane realized that, in some sense, what she wants to fall in love with is a Benny. And, through recent blogs, she also realized that she could not be that in love with him without knowing him so well (see BennyK's post on my last blog). Once again he's right and to think that you are going to fall in love with someone after just a few dates or because of initial attraction is quite silly. What do men and women really need from each other?
On the other hand, I said that women should be the pretty one in a relationship. I say this mostly in vanity because I think most of us want to be pretty, even if we are the no-frills, practical types and not because I think all women should look like super models. In fact, I think that boys need to be taught, in some sense, what is pretty and what natural, feminine beauty is- heaven knows what is and isn't portrayed in the media!
That said, it probably is true that men are more visual creatures. Maybe rather than give them a hard time about it, we should embrace it. Look at sunsets and mountain ranges, the ocean and snow on a leafless black tree. Nature is beautiful! and most people would agree that the real stuff completely outshines the facades (I'm thinking of the glitz and so called glamour of Las Vegas). I believe the beauty of an artist or architect or even a gardener is because of the creation process. Something divine and Godlike. Maybe as women we should take that to heart. Recognize the natural beauty of feminine, womanly characteristics inside and out and be glad that man appreciates it! Then any artwork, architecture, or gardening we do on ourselves should emulate that, not try to fake it in a Las Vegas type way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that men should be men and women women. We should appreciate and even celebrate the differences rather than fight and complain against them. If my man (if I had one) needs me to be soft and feminine and womanly, HALLELUJAH! I need him to be strong and sweet and brave in an immoral and scary world. I need his adoration and I need him to teach and play with my children so they grow up happy and good and Christ like.
Maybe it's unfortunate, but I think physical attraction is more important to men than to women. Not that we don't want something pretty, but maybe, generally speaking, women have forgotten what we truly need in a man. We don't need the guy with rock hard abs and the wink or small touch that makes us shiver (yes shivering is a good thing, but bear with me). A lot of my students are single mothers in their mid-twenties and I get to hear about "hot" great boyfriends. Eventually, a large percet of the time, I find out that the guy is in jail (or just got out) or she met him in a bar or club and he was so drunk that when they talked next, he didn't remember what color hair she has!
In the movie "Hitch," he says any guy has a chance with any girl. What Hitch has to learn is that it's still about love and not just knowing how to play the right game, but that's what I loved about the movie. It was like a guy Cinderella story. A back lash of sorts. For so long women have been treated as sex objects, but now they are doing the same to the men. I thought the point of the movie was that everyone deserves love, not just the pretty people, and that love is more than physical anyway. My kudos.
Jane adores beyond belief her baby brother. He is the funniest, smartest, most spiritual and insightful guy you could ever meet. Maybe it sounds strange to people, but I've heard people say you get a sort of crush on your kids as they grow up and change. Well, that was always true of Jane and her baby brother. Even when they were little, she thought he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. Recently they travelled together with some friends, and all of that came back again (not that it ever left). Jane realized that, in some sense, what she wants to fall in love with is a Benny. And, through recent blogs, she also realized that she could not be that in love with him without knowing him so well (see BennyK's post on my last blog). Once again he's right and to think that you are going to fall in love with someone after just a few dates or because of initial attraction is quite silly. What do men and women really need from each other?
On the other hand, I said that women should be the pretty one in a relationship. I say this mostly in vanity because I think most of us want to be pretty, even if we are the no-frills, practical types and not because I think all women should look like super models. In fact, I think that boys need to be taught, in some sense, what is pretty and what natural, feminine beauty is- heaven knows what is and isn't portrayed in the media!
That said, it probably is true that men are more visual creatures. Maybe rather than give them a hard time about it, we should embrace it. Look at sunsets and mountain ranges, the ocean and snow on a leafless black tree. Nature is beautiful! and most people would agree that the real stuff completely outshines the facades (I'm thinking of the glitz and so called glamour of Las Vegas). I believe the beauty of an artist or architect or even a gardener is because of the creation process. Something divine and Godlike. Maybe as women we should take that to heart. Recognize the natural beauty of feminine, womanly characteristics inside and out and be glad that man appreciates it! Then any artwork, architecture, or gardening we do on ourselves should emulate that, not try to fake it in a Las Vegas type way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that men should be men and women women. We should appreciate and even celebrate the differences rather than fight and complain against them. If my man (if I had one) needs me to be soft and feminine and womanly, HALLELUJAH! I need him to be strong and sweet and brave in an immoral and scary world. I need his adoration and I need him to teach and play with my children so they grow up happy and good and Christ like.
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