Confirmation of Change

The funny thing is, when I freed myself to feel anger and admit I'm mad or sad or hurt, I could let go of it and be happy. Instead of fighting it, I acknowledge it and give it a name or somewhat of a voice. And then, I don't have to carry it around and wonder what to do with it and what it is and if it's bigger than I am or smaller than I'm making it. It's just there, deal with it, then it's over. No change needed.

Me, me, me

Perhaps, I like feeling sorry for myself. A couple times, when I've been "freaked out" about something, my husband, bless him, will tell me I need to change how I think about things. This isn't as mean as it sounds. It's probably true. The other day I almost heard myself tell me why I feel the way I feel. Dr. Phil says we get a payoff for our behavior, so what are you getting from behaving the way you are? Perhaps I want attention. Perhaps I like to hurt. Maybe if I'm hurting first, it won't hurt when you hurt me.

I don't know.

This morning I was not in a happy place. It was really hard to leave the house and drive to work. I prayed really hard that I wouldn't feel the way I was. A part of me felt like I couldn't pray for that, as if I must like feeling that way or I should be able to think better thoughts or something so I couldn't ask to not. But, I prayed anyway. For some reason in my head I started to explain to someone what I did at my teaching job and how it worked and what happened to it. This reminded me of my "successes" and also of being in college and what I did and who I associated with. I felt a million times better and much more confident. Hmm...

Sometimes lately I really feel like nobody cares. I go to see my family or call someone on the phone and there are so many million other people and things going on that it feels like no one even asks how I am. Or, I can be in the middle of saying something and I just get talked over. Lately I also feel like I'm having a hard time opening up to Jeff. I don't understand that. I feel very strongly like I don't want to bother him talking about work and all my thoughts about what goes on here. I don't want to upset his world by insising I need anything in mine. And, it's not him, it's me. I need to change how I think or something, but... it's just not that easy.

I think I need something I'm not getting. But even if I could figure out what it is, I don't think I'd know how to ask for it. Sometimes I'm so stuck inside myself. Even if it is just me and needing to change how I think, isn't it okay to say but I need this from you? I need help? Like a little kid who's crying or supposed to get a chore done who needs to just get over it and get it done. Okay, fine, he needs the strict discipline etc. But maybe, MAYBE, he just needs someone to kiss it better or show him how or make him not feel so alone in it. Is that so bad???
I'm thinking of a little boy at the day care I worked at that was the sweetest little guy. He really liked me. He was only five or six and had two little brothers. His mom would bring them in and she'd be stressed, of course, and he'd have to be the "big" one and help her and he just wanted to cry and go home just like the little ones. He actually got in trouble by the director one time for "hanging" on me. He just wanted to be held and hugged. (But, did the eleven year old who threw a block at my head ever get in trouble? Heck no!) Maybe the little boy just needed someone to help him, even if some people thought he was a "cry baby" and needed to not be so spoiled. What a load of crap I say.

Anyway... maybe sometimes we just have needs and as silly or not self sufficient as they seem, maybe it's okay to need it. And maybe it's even okay to expect or ask it of those who claim to love us. Maybe if we all helped each other out in those moments, we wouldn't have to have so many of them. Maybe we'd be better off.

Tuesday

You'd think that five days off (I took 3 work days and a weekend off for my anniversary and a vacation) would give me enough rest to be ready to come back. But, yesterday, thinking of coming back to work, I was filled with dread and discouragement. I think that's a bad sign. I know a lot of it is just my anxieties- coming back to the unknown and feeling like I haven't been doing my part etc. Today was actually a lot better than I expected. My job isn't bad. There are things I even kind of like about it. But, I guess having time to myself reminds me of where my heart is... and it's not here...