Have you ever had a secret you want to shout from the rooftops so that everyone can share in your joy?
But at the same time, you want no one to know because even a thought of disapproval or misunderstanding will taint what beauty you have found?
A lifetime is forever, however long or short it's been. I've been standing on the edge of time, waiting, aching to fly, but my feet won't leave the ground. But then it only took one day and the wind blew and nothing's been the same since.
A knight in shining armor has entered my life. A few days together have felt like an eternity and a few hours apart even longer. To hold someone and know you belong there. To look in his eyes and see your own past, present, and future. To fear losing that person, knowing that your heart would never be able to open again. To feel joy just at the sight of them.
...
I'm trying to quit my Zoloft this week. It's hard to explain how I feel. It's like self criticism becomes strong. I could put words to the feelings that are there, but that's not how it comes. It comes in words, not feelings. And I feel very afraid of what everyone else thinks of me. I don't want to share my secrets because not only would disapproval taint their beauty, but now I'm vulnerable enough that I would be crushed by anyone else's pessimism. The fear of losing this great thing I have recently found is too much. I feel almost self destructive. Like I'm looking, expecting to be hurt by this person, and I'm afraid that I will unknowingly set things up for it.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
"Life is Like a Box of Chocolates"
I don't feel like Jane this week. Jane was a journey, and I feel like I've reached that journey's end. Surprise, on the other side of the mountain, is just another journey. New paths to follow, new thoughts to explore, a whole new self to discover. You never know what you're going to get.
Monday, March 27, 2006
I'm a believer
Last Thanksgiving, Jane attended a Catholic mass with her brother's family. It was a very nice way to start what should be a religious, God honoring day. Jane had never been to mass before. She was raised in a different religion, so this was a new experience for her. At Jane's church, there is reverence, but generally people are very social before and after the service. There isn't so much ceremony and the clergy is made up of ordinary people that have ordinary jobs during the week. When you go to a Catholic church, there are lots of signs asking you to be quiet as you enter the chapel. The priest enters wearing his robes and there are candles lit ane bells were rung. Before the service starts, people are praying and thinking and giving reverence to God. There was a lot of silence. It was a really neat thing to see. The sincerity and faith of the people was obvious.
This last Sunday, Jane had an opportunity to attend a different church. This was the kind of church that has a band playing music as a big part of the service. Kids lined the walls and twirled ribbons, people stood up and swayed to the music. It was not quiet at all, but still the faith and sincerity of the people was obvious. Jane liked this church a lot. People were happy and expressive about God and their beliefs. People were friendly and welcoming. The service was all about connecting to God and giving him what you are made of; accepting what he's made in you and making the most of it. The music was really good and even though it was different than what Jane usually hears at church, she felt God there as well.
As a child, Jane would imagine heaven as a happy and lively place. People would laugh and dance and enjoy each other. At church, Jane learned that God was a reverent God and she imagined heaven to be a more somber and contemplative place- like a library for the spirit.
Jane has felt the spirit in both these ways. Recently, after her own church meetings, she told her sister that she had felt the spirit in a happy way, a more joyful way than usual, even though the meeting had been especially reverent. Jane has also felt the need for the quietness of her own mind, so that she can hear what God is telling her heart.
I guess the point is just that God is everywhere. There is no right or wrong way to worship. It's sincerity. It's communion with a higher power. It's knowing in your own heart what God is to you. These are the things that are important. These are the things that will keep you connected to God. And isn't that what it's all about?
This last Sunday, Jane had an opportunity to attend a different church. This was the kind of church that has a band playing music as a big part of the service. Kids lined the walls and twirled ribbons, people stood up and swayed to the music. It was not quiet at all, but still the faith and sincerity of the people was obvious. Jane liked this church a lot. People were happy and expressive about God and their beliefs. People were friendly and welcoming. The service was all about connecting to God and giving him what you are made of; accepting what he's made in you and making the most of it. The music was really good and even though it was different than what Jane usually hears at church, she felt God there as well.
As a child, Jane would imagine heaven as a happy and lively place. People would laugh and dance and enjoy each other. At church, Jane learned that God was a reverent God and she imagined heaven to be a more somber and contemplative place- like a library for the spirit.
Jane has felt the spirit in both these ways. Recently, after her own church meetings, she told her sister that she had felt the spirit in a happy way, a more joyful way than usual, even though the meeting had been especially reverent. Jane has also felt the need for the quietness of her own mind, so that she can hear what God is telling her heart.
I guess the point is just that God is everywhere. There is no right or wrong way to worship. It's sincerity. It's communion with a higher power. It's knowing in your own heart what God is to you. These are the things that are important. These are the things that will keep you connected to God. And isn't that what it's all about?
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