Feb 12 Journal entry

Recently I watched a reality show about a woman having her 19th baby. The baby was delivered early because of complications. Not even 1 1/2 pounds, the show focused on some of the struggles of the family, parents, and baby. As a new mom recently having gone through a pregnancy and delivery, I felt I could relate in a whole new way. I cried for this mother and baby, empathizing in some way with the fear and prayers she would be experiencing. I also cried in extreme gratitude for my healthy, beautiful baby and that things were always so normal.

Beginning a couple months before Rayne was born, we moved in with Jeff's dad's family. If I'm honest, which is hard even with myself, I was miserable. There were things that made it NOT a good situation. Then happened some things that deeply affected mine and Jeff's relationship that were really bad. In retrospect, I don't know why I put up with or endured any of it. Was I so weak that I allowed myself to be treated that way in fear of losing this relationship? If I could allow myself to be treated this way, it didn't say much about me or the relationship to make it worth saving. I've even felt great regret that I would take my baby home to a place, to a life, that felt like that. I've wondered if I can forgive myself for doing that. And I've feared that when I remember the precious experience of my first baby, instead of the sweet thing it was, I'll remember all the trials and bad stuff.

Tonight I prayed a bit about this, not even knowing what to say. As I sang primary songs and held Rayne and put her to bed, the thought came to me that not all births are perfect. Like the mother in the t.v. show, sometimes all we can do is pray. In a sense, we had our own trials and struggles to get through. And we did.

I will try to remember the awesomeness of Rayne's birth. What it felt like to see her the first time, the complete peace and happiness I felt the first days at the hospital. I will remember our walks, singing songs and looking at trees. I will focus on the way she'd look at me and study me and when she learned to smile. I will especially remember our October in Lake Point and her two sweaters and purple hat and the long walks and running up and down the halls and that things finally were okay again.

And then... I'll just keep trying to be stronger and make things better.

Before and After

When I had my own apartment, with free basic cable, I would often spend several hours on Saturday watching Law and Order. I especially liked SVU. I liked seeing the bad guys get caught and I liked seeing intelligent people on t.v. (I should clarify, I would do other things while watching, not a complete couch potato!).
Eventually, I guess I got bored or got my fill because I didn't watch as often, but then I got pregnant. I always felt like I was sensitive to the crude, violent, mean, loud, obscene, etc etc. But being pregnant and feeling this little spirit, this innocent little life so fresh from heaven intensified the sensitivity. I just could not tolerate ANYTHING. Even Law and Order was too much to handle.
I also used to have a guilty pleasure, when the mood struck, of enjoying shows on the Disney channel and things like Full House and 7th Heaven.
Well, the other day, I turned on 7th Heaven just to have something on while Rayne was playing. It seemed like a nice mellow thing to be watching. Okay, and I was having a guilty pleasure day. But guess what? I REALLY enjoyed it this day. Some channel was having a marathon or something and I watched several episodes while Rayne played. I felt so uplifted. I enjoyed, not just in my silly, embarrassed to admit it way, the purity of it, the values, and yes, even the complete sap and corniness :)
Then, another day, we rented the movie My Sister's Keeper. I thought it was really well done. It's about a girl who is genetically engineered to be a match for her older sister who has cancer. But it was actually about a lot more than that. It was SO depressing and sad but also, I think, had a good message and a bit of uplifting thoughts. Watching it as a mother, I'm sure, was SO different than it would have been seeing it before I had a daughter. Some things, I could barely stand to watch or think about because I now KNOW what it's like to have a child. I could relate to the decisions being made in a whole new way.
We also watched the episode of 19 Kids and Counting when the 19th baby is born and the mother is having a lot of complications and is only about 6 months pregnant. I could have imagined and sympathized with it before and cried, but sitting there holding my sleeping baby... whoa! Life is a different place now.
(P.S. Maybe I am a couch potato?)

Comfort in the Blogosphere

I am determined to get back to blogs. I have spent some time on facebook and it's SO impersonal. I reconnected with a few people I really missed, but I've lost those of you here that really count :) And, Emily, didn't you once send me your facebook? and I couldn't get on at work or something? Well, now I'm there and not even finding you yet! So, what's the point? It's also got me friending people who are rude to me or to each other through me. What's up with that!? So, I want to avoid it a bit for a while. And I really miss the intimacy of blogging.

Life is still going on for me. Rayne will be 9 months old this Saturday! NINE MONTHS! I can't believe it. This last month has felt huge. She's been rolling all over the place- I can barely get her diaper changed. And she scoots all over her grandma's kitchen on a slick floor in her walker. Her two teeth are adorable and I think she's trying for more. She "talks" and interacts with us A LOT. She's just awesome.

Jeff is still unemployed. He worked at a temp job last year at this time at the tax commission (where his mom works). He's hoping to do that again, being someone they know and liked and given that the people they hire first are people who are returning. BUT, his mom says they have a new program, are cutting the temp budget, and last she heard they are only taking on like 10 people for the season. Oh well.
At least our finances are doing better and we are now living at his grandma's, which is a lot more peaceful than where we were. We've been at his mom's for the last 2 weeks while they were out of town and while grandma gets her water heater replaced. His mom lives in Lake Point, which I think I've talked about before. It's too cold to take walks, but I quite like it out here.

I have been feeling more productive lately, mostly meaning I feel like I could or should be doing more, not that I'm actually doing anything. I keep thinking I'm going to have to find some work but when I think of it in terms of leaving my baby, I still don't think she or I am ready for that.

And as expected, this is scattered and I have to go... but it's a start :)