Thoughts on Love

People have often told me that you just can't imagine what it feels like to love someone the way you love your own children. Some people have said it as an expression of the love they feel for their kids and an excitement for me to someday feel that too. Other people, I've felt like say it more like they belong to this exclusive club I had yet to be a part of. Either way, I always wondered if I really couldn't imagine what it would be like. I knew what it felt like to think about having babies; were my own feelings really that limited by lack of experience?
And, more importantly, I felt like I had experienced a love kind of like that. I was 11+ when my little sister was born. Our niece and nephew followed soon after. I often called my sister "my baby" as an expression of how I felt for her. I was there on her first day of kindergarten and I cried too. I was there to pick Gina up from school and try to help deal with some of her issues with her mom even when she was so young. And Jamesy- my Jamesy- was only 2 or 3 when I graduated from high school and I spent a lot of time taking care of him. He's getting ready to graduate from high school and I still feel like he's my boy. The love I have for him, for all 3 of these kids, will never go away.
I have always referred to these kids as my kids, my babies. This was not at all intended to take away from their parents or anything like that. It was just an expression of how much I loved them.
I have a daughter now. I am so in love with her. That's what amazes me- the infatuation, the awesomeness, the fascination- I feel for her. In a lot of ways, it is like having a crush on someone and falling in love. That was a bit of a surprise. But honestly? The love I feel for her really is no more than what I've felt before, especially for my three other kids. I have more obligation and responsibility for Rayne, but I really feel like I've felt this way before. To me, it doesn't diminish what I feel for any of these people, it just compounds it.

Jeff said something once about me loving the baby more than I love him. I really hope he doesn't feel that way or feel neglected, although there has been a lot of adjustment. I can honestly say that the baby has 100% of my heart and Jeff too has 100% of my heart and soul. Doesn't that make 200%?
It does seem to me that some people's hearts are compartmentalized or something. If they've given- ever- any part of their heart to someone, it doesn't exist to give to anyone else. I can see that if you once love someone, no matter how it turns out, you might always love them. A part of you may always be theirs or with them or whatever. But is it really so untouchable ever again?

Which brings me to romantic love. I've been wondering why we insist on it being so exclusive? Not that I don't think it should be, I just wonder where that notion comes from (and no, Kiki, I'm not being unromantical, just asking the question). My grandmothers had to live with polygamy. How in the world did they deal with that? Why are some of us so jealous with such strict notions of fidelity while others have some other definition with lines of "just friends" drawn supposedly without a threat to the one true thing?

happy days

I first want to say again how amazing it is to me how God answers our prayers. There is something I've been praying about for a while now and there have been times when I pray that exactly what I ask for happens that very day. Other times, I pray and pray about the issue and it hasn't been until I finally let go or listen and say maybe I need to ask this instead of that, and then this happens and makes things all okay. Recently again, things have happened to fix the situation and I know God is taking care of me. For that I am so grateful.

...

We spent yesterday and last night at Jeff's mom's house in Lake Point. We visited her in the morning and are house sitting. They have a big open multi level house on a lot of land. On one side of the house is a small cemetary which I guess some people would find creepy but I find it quite calming and it adds to the openness of the whole area. It is a quiet neighborhood with lots of open space, a good view of mountains, and yesterday I even had to go around people riding horses down the street. We can see the Salt Lake from the deck in back.
What I'm saying is, i love it here! i would love to buy my little log house on the manufactured lot and put it on some land out here and learn to plant a garden. it's so quiet and peaceful and really not that far from Salt Lake. Sigh... someday...
i have relaxed so much. there are two bathrooms here! and only the three of us. it's quiet and i'm not tripping over dogs (although i must admit we both miss our dog already). it's been so nice just being the three of us and being able to get in and find food and make dinner and eat it when we're ready. i even took a long shower with fabulous water pressure. i woke up today dreaming of scrapbook pages and really wanting to take a walk- what a difference!!!

Perfect

The other day, Rayne sat in her bouncy seat on the kitchen counter while I ate some Cheerios. I was quite over come by her perfection. Of course, I think she has perfect features, but it wasn't just how she looked. She sat there looking around, just being a baby, but she was so perfect just being. She was completely everything she is.

There is a scripture in the D&C about the earth becoming celestial because it fills the measure of it's creation. I love that. Perfection is filling the measure of our creation- reaching our potential- being what we are and were made to be.

Being pregnant was the hardest thing I've ever done. Thankfully, labor wasn't as bad as I expected, but it still was something you can't imagine. My body has seriously been through... a very bad place :) I feel so good now not being pregnant. But I think part of that feeling good is feeling strong that I did it ... and lived. My body fulfilled its purpose.

Yesterday I went to mom's house and she, Khrystine and I spent a lot of the day looking at family pictures. I love pictures and scrapbooks and blogs etc. I felt a lot of love for everyone. Funny, but I also felt love for myself. As I see myself in relation to these other people and how we are all connected, it makes me feel good about even my little quirks. I even saw pictures of myself and... well, I'm pretty. I really get too hard on myself. Too stressed out about life. I need to just perfectly be me.