Sometimes I think I have an abnormal respect for authority. I doubt if I've ever felt even an ounce of rebellion... at least longer than fleetingly. Perhaps it's not a respect for but a fear of authority?
When I was young, my dad told me that one of my talents was obedience. He's told me again as an adult and it seems to be more as an admirable quality he sees in me as a person, not just something he appreciated in a parent/child relationship. I think this is a good thing. My love for math comes from knowing that if I just follow certain rules and principles I can figure out some pretty interesting and big problems. I'm sure my obedience in life is a search for this same reassurance. I think too, the "talent" part is a blessing; it seems I've always been able to see consequences of actions. No need for me to touch the hot stove to know what it means to be hot; I just get it.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel like Ella in Ella Enchanted. When someone tells me to do something, I have to no matter how much I distrust them or don't want to etc. It leaves me rather powerless and, especially as an adult, that is not a good thing.
We now live with Jeff's dad and step mom. I feel like a child again. I feel I owe them respect and defference and I think I believe that this is true being that we are living in their house etc. That's okay. But past a certain point, I really need to still feel like an adult.
I guess I won't broadcast the details over the internet for everyone to see, but recently we actually "got in trouble" for something that I really felt was no one else's business. I could see why the parents would feel or see things the way they did, but really, they didn't know the details of the situation and no matter what, it was our situation, not theirs, to deal with. Even if it was their business, I don't believe in "talking" to people the way it was handled and felt completely disrespected as a person. This is not okay, no matter who's the boss or who's house it is etc. Even as the dad, I don't believe children should EVER be talked to the way we were.
Perhaps I should forgive and forget and things are fine this week. Perhaps I do hold grudges, but I don't even want to say that. I felt a need to defend myself and I don't know how and THAT's what I'm trying to talk about here. I don't even know if defending myself is okay.
And I guess that's the question. Having this abnormal sense of authority and being submissive, how do I even know what my rights are?
I know it looks like Jeff and I got ourselves in a big mess and had no other choice. We are truly living on the grace of other people. But even though we didn't have a lot of options, we did try to be deliberate about the choices we did have. We have goals and expectations for ourselves. There are things we're trying to accomplish and ideals we're trying to hold onto. We just asked for help; does that make us invalid human beings? Does that mean we now have to be, or even can be, told everything we can and can't do?
I've really been trying to be positive this week. I've tried to at least in my own mind come up with a mission statement for us so that we can stay focused on what we're doing and not get bogged down by all this other stuff. I had hoped this was leading up to that. I hoped (I know I'm at work but still) to have some time today to get myself together. It doesn't look like that's going to happen. So, I'll just leave it as this and be back later...
2 comments:
Oh, sometimes I wish I lived in Utah so we could talk and I could tell people off for you. :) I'm good at defending my friends and loved one's inborn rights.
You are in a really tough position right now. I can understand the struggle. I have had friends in the same situation. Infact, I do have a friend currently in the same situation, and its a very delicate and sensitive issue when parents want to parent their adult children instead of respect them as adults.
I don't have any real solutions, but some advice my psychologist once told me is that if I ever wonder whether or not I should say something to someone, I can simply evaluate what my motivation is in saying it to determine if anything should be said.
If I need to say something because its going to affect me negatively and it will burden me emotionally if I don't get it off my chest, than it needs to be said and I need to have the guts to do it for my own emotional/mental health.
On the other hand, if its something I just want to say to tell someone they are wrong or that they bother me, then its probably best that I keep my mouth shut.
I've followed this advice for years and it works really well.
I wish you luck!
Looks like this is the only way i'll get to talk to you now. I am very unhappy about it.
You know, when you become a mom, those mother bear hormones are going to kick in really good. You'll be surprised how fierce you can be when you're defending your cub. And it all comes naturally.
Being obedient is not the same as being submissive. But I worry that in our family, that is what we learned. I had already learned it by the time i got married, so I taught it to you. I think mostly we all just want to be nice and we want other people to be happy. After all, that is really drummed into our heads when we're little. There must be a point, however, where we cross over to being better balanced. I was surprised that Aurora could be so firm in her opinions as she is, because she is so sweet and seems submissive, she is always doing something for other people, but you can tell that "she just ain't gonna' let nobody push her around."
Our family is rather off-balanced, I'd say. I have to admit that it surprises me when someone I respect a lot tells me that I'm being manipulated and taken for a ride. It's like I just don't see it until it's too late.
I also was thinking as I read your post, that when you're the queen, you have to learn to respect what others feel or say lots of times, but it doesn't mean that you step down, or they are any more knowledgeable than you are. So you maintain your own decisions without trying to correct theirs. That is not an easy task. Think of yourself as Queen, and reigning over your little planet. Maybe that will give you confidence.
So, i've gone on and on here because i miss talking to you. I don't even know if you'll see this anytime soon. Now you are really far away. I think i have to have you here soon so I won't go insane. My stress will go up worrying about how you are at any given moment.. Take good care of yourselves..remember all we talked about. You can come here anytime. Call me. I often don't hear the phone ring so just repeat and repeat til I do hear it ring.
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