A penny for your thoughts

When someone says they love you, be it spouse, parent, friend, what do you think they see in you? What makes them love you? If you asked for reasons, what reasons would make you feel special? If someone were trying to "convince" you that you're loveable, that you're special, that you're "worth it," what would you need to hear?

Update

Last week Jeff started school and a new job! Wow!
He is going to school at Utah Career College to go into IT (computer stuff). He has class three nights a week from 6 until about 10, depending on the night. It's hard having him gone but it turns out the one class is just every other week so that helps. And, that's what we're here for right?
His mom works for the state tax commission and knew about some temp jobs there. His job is seasonal through tax season but it's something. I was afraid he'd be bored out of his mind and hate it. But, so far it's not too bad. He opens envelopes with a machine and sorts papers etc. He gets up at 4 in the morning to be there by 5 and gets done by 1:30. I've changed my work schedule so I'm getting there by 8 so I can be done a bit earlier and be home before he leaves on school nights.

As for me, I'm getting bigger and more hungry. I really don't eat enough :( This week I've actually felt pretty good physically- not so sore and tight in my muscles. I've trained my people enough at work that a big load has been taken off of me and I've had time this week to write up notes and get organized for leaving. I even turned in my paper work for maternity leave. If it's approved (? I don't really know the process) my last day will be May 5th. My mom and I hoped to take off more time before but as I was looking at things, it just worked out better that way. With FMLA I can take up to 12 weeks off. By taking this late date to start, that means I don't have to be back until the end of July. In the mean time, we will just hope and pray and see how it all works out. I plan to stay with my mom after the baby is born so I don't have to live around all these teenage boys when dealing with breast feeding etc and so I don't have to go up and down so many stairs just to go to the bathroom.

It's hard living in someone else's house. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I've decided in that way, I'm more supportive of Jeff and I feel better too. We spend a lot of time in our room and I go to my mom's once a week. One of these days, I'm going to get our room set up and feel like we are actually living here instead of living around what's here! Haha. It's a bit crowded but we're doing okay.

FYI

In case anyone should miss me, I have it on good authority that I better watch my personal use of the internet at work. As in I probably should have none at all. I feel so isolated and alone and it's only been 2 days!!!!!

I thought with Jeff being at school 2-3 nights a week, I'll have time to blog and be lonely and looking for communication with my outside world. I might just have to put my feet up, but here's to already missing all of you!

A cause without a rebel

Sometimes I think I have an abnormal respect for authority. I doubt if I've ever felt even an ounce of rebellion... at least longer than fleetingly. Perhaps it's not a respect for but a fear of authority?

When I was young, my dad told me that one of my talents was obedience. He's told me again as an adult and it seems to be more as an admirable quality he sees in me as a person, not just something he appreciated in a parent/child relationship. I think this is a good thing. My love for math comes from knowing that if I just follow certain rules and principles I can figure out some pretty interesting and big problems. I'm sure my obedience in life is a search for this same reassurance. I think too, the "talent" part is a blessing; it seems I've always been able to see consequences of actions. No need for me to touch the hot stove to know what it means to be hot; I just get it.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like Ella in Ella Enchanted. When someone tells me to do something, I have to no matter how much I distrust them or don't want to etc. It leaves me rather powerless and, especially as an adult, that is not a good thing.

We now live with Jeff's dad and step mom. I feel like a child again. I feel I owe them respect and defference and I think I believe that this is true being that we are living in their house etc. That's okay. But past a certain point, I really need to still feel like an adult.

I guess I won't broadcast the details over the internet for everyone to see, but recently we actually "got in trouble" for something that I really felt was no one else's business. I could see why the parents would feel or see things the way they did, but really, they didn't know the details of the situation and no matter what, it was our situation, not theirs, to deal with. Even if it was their business, I don't believe in "talking" to people the way it was handled and felt completely disrespected as a person. This is not okay, no matter who's the boss or who's house it is etc. Even as the dad, I don't believe children should EVER be talked to the way we were.
Perhaps I should forgive and forget and things are fine this week. Perhaps I do hold grudges, but I don't even want to say that. I felt a need to defend myself and I don't know how and THAT's what I'm trying to talk about here. I don't even know if defending myself is okay.

And I guess that's the question. Having this abnormal sense of authority and being submissive, how do I even know what my rights are?

I know it looks like Jeff and I got ourselves in a big mess and had no other choice. We are truly living on the grace of other people. But even though we didn't have a lot of options, we did try to be deliberate about the choices we did have. We have goals and expectations for ourselves. There are things we're trying to accomplish and ideals we're trying to hold onto. We just asked for help; does that make us invalid human beings? Does that mean we now have to be, or even can be, told everything we can and can't do?

I've really been trying to be positive this week. I've tried to at least in my own mind come up with a mission statement for us so that we can stay focused on what we're doing and not get bogged down by all this other stuff. I had hoped this was leading up to that. I hoped (I know I'm at work but still) to have some time today to get myself together. It doesn't look like that's going to happen. So, I'll just leave it as this and be back later...

Random thoughts that connect as they flow through my head but might not when I say them out loud

I'm really glad I have a family that treats people with respect. It seems like no matter how different anyone is, we try to see their point of view and understand where they are coming from. There's a sincerity in valuing people. We, especially some of you, can discuss things and talk about different sides of the issue without being preachy and insisting on being right (this of course excludes some Thanksgiving dinner conversations between SOME people, especially when it comes to politics :) but that's all in good fun right?).
I'm glad I learned to value things like education and art and people and family and ideals. I've been a bit culture shocked in the last few years that not everyone sees past here and now and worldly stuff.

I remember driving from my grandpa's funeral to the cemetery- it was SO far away!- and then back to the church for lunch. I quite dislike funerals; they are sad no matter how much faith and hope you have in an afterlife and the person being in a better place. Perhaps that's what made Grandpa's funeral so thought provoking. I knew he was a good man and after some of the physical limitations he experienced before he died, I knew he was in heaven and I'm sure happy to be there. I could just see him doing cartwheels and laughing. But I was also so sad that he was gone. During the drive, I remember thinking about life and how it had all just stopped for the last few days. Everything I had going on was set aside and just not nearly as important as I had thought.
Today I read about an earthquake in Italy. There was a lot of devastation and I thought for those people the whole world has just changed. Very old cities have been wiped out to the point they don't even exist anymore. It made me think about my life and what I'm doing and what I'm working for and how fleeting it could be. What really then is important?

I watched conference over the weekend. The peace and calmness that it brings were especially welcome this time. There seemed to be a lot of talk of faith and doing what's right even though it's getting hard.
I want to have faith. I want to be like the people you read about who do the right things and then things work out for them. I want to be brave and face the lion's den because I know what I'm doing is right. Because I don't want anyone or anything to change me and what's inside. I think I have the conviction, I'm just not sure I have the strength to fight for it.

If your whole world can disappear so easily, you better know what it is that will stay with you or what really matters. And you better start living for it.

Evidence to support my claim :)

Taking a bit of a break at work today, I clicked on an article about adult separation anxiety. It was interesting. I copied some of it not really doing with adults as well as the linke below. Hmm...

During infancy, all mammals suffer distress if they are separated from their mothers. Our brains are wired for this. Human babies are helpless and simply cannot survive without their parents, so their brains are acutely sensitive to signals of possible abandonment, according to Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D., a senior fellow at the ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit in Houston.
And babies need their parents not just physically, but emotionally. It's through these first relationships that they learn not only how to love, but also how to cope with stress by seeking care and being caring.
Normally, separation anxiety appears at about six months. Although babies can recognize their mothers much earlier, at this age—when they're usually beginning to be able to crawl or otherwise move around on their own—they start to get anxious when they can't see her. While previously, other familiar people could hold and soothe them easily, now no one but Mama (and sometimes Dad) is acceptable.
Ordinarily, children outgrow this anxiety, and often experience new bouts of it when faced with stressful situations like starting a new school. With responsive parents who always ultimately return, kids learn to trust that they can be safe in the world.

Some people are also biologically more sensitive. One important factor seems to be the functioning of the brain's endogenous opioid system. Endogenous opioids are the brain's own painkillers, similar to heroin and morphine.
"Just like humans, animals emit distress calls when they are separated from their mothers," says MauricePreter, M.D., a neurologist and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University. "They go up in intensity and become more frequent with separation, and the opposite occurs with a reunion, or if you give opioids." Blocking brain opioids in animals increases separation distress. Basically, normal babies become addicted to their parents, though it's a temporary phase.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235522&gt1=31009