Control Yourself

I had the thought this morning on the way to work, "that would probably be for the best." What was I thinking about? How to do my hair! Does that even make any sense? Does anyone else sense the sadness in that statement? I was thinking about hair and was trying to settle on what would be the most practical and make the most sense. Not having fun. Not expressing myself. Not looking pretty. Just practical.

I was a bit stressed this morning. I'm leaving work a bit early and had set my alarm earlier than usual so I could try to get here a bit early and not use up so much personal time. Luckily (?) for me, when the alarm went off, I had to go the bathroom bad enough, it wasn't hard to get up. I had slept well and thought I was off to a good start. But...
The poor dog. She's scared of going outside and since I got pregnant, I generally just stand at the bottom of the stairs and let her go (or hope Jeff is up and will take her). It's taken some coaxing since her accident to get her to do this, but in the quiet morning she's been doing okay... until lately. This morning, she would not go. I even put on slippers and a jacket knowing it's been hard and planning on walking out with her (and no, I didn't use the leash because I was afraid I was too weak and she'd just pull me over. It was a genuine concern). We got about half way up more than a time or two before she bolted back down and into the apartment. I lost all patience with her. I know, and knew in the moment even, that it was other things bothering me, but I just didn't have the time or strength or patience to deal with her. She had been asking to go out so I knew she needed to and I finally pretty much dragged her up the stairs and convinced her she was safe if she stayed real close to the building on the grass with me standing there.
And, poor Jeff. He has been struggling with a tooth ache and it's getting bad enough it makes his whole head hurt. He is back on his "graveyard shift" schedule and didn't go to bed until 5 this morning. He couldn't sleep because his head and teeth hurt and his legs were twitching. So, what did I spend my extra half hour or so doing this morning? Rubbing his legs and dealing with the dog.
I was barely making it out of the house at my normal time when I remembered I still had to take some rent stuff up to the office. Poor me! I feel like I have to do everything. And this extra two minutes felt like it would make me even later!
And that was my frustration this morning. I just keep feeling like I'm doing everything. I know I shouldn't express all this crap here. And it really isn't personal toward anyone. Work has been crappy lately- I'm SO tired of some of the people/issues I deal with and the demands that are made on me. I'm frustrated with myself and my lack of assertiveness and ability to stick up for myself. I get sad when Jeff is up all night and things are not going productively for him. I get annoyed at the sweet dog who is sometimes so needy and demanding when I'm feeling needy and demanding. My legs have been cramping incredibly bad and often and all anyone, including the doctor, can tell me is it's normal and try eating bananas and getting more calcium. Nothing's working that way and the dog doesn't make a good masseuse. Jeff does, when he feels like it or isn't distracted etc.
Okay, enough complaining. And onto the real point...

After dropping the rent stuff at the office, I got in the car. I recently found a tape I have of only two songs that lately are my all time favorites (I say that about all songs I like a lot :) I think they call these tapes "singles" and Jeff didn't even know what that was or why they would make a tape with only two songs. And yes, I still don't have a CD player in my car and I actually don't care). The one song just makes me happy. As I pulled out of the parking lot I thought, "maybe I should just quit caring." This thought was followed by the question "why do you care so much?"
Mostly I was thinking about work. If I didn't get here early but got here at my regular time, so what? Why was I stressing so much about it? Why was I making that more important than anything else I had to do today? It didn't even make any sense. And if I just let go of it, a lot of the tension and "freak out"-ness I was feeling could just go away.
I'm not going to tell you what song I was listening to because I need it to be mine, not out there for judgement. That's not to say you will judge me, but more like I judge myself, which is the point of this post.
It doesn't matter what I do with my hair. It doesn't matter that this song makes me happy. It doesn't matter if I'm early or on time for work. Why do I make all these things into something practical? What if I just stopped and enjoyed... myself? the music? the dog and husband?

I feel like I don't even know how. I'm so trying to be in control and in charge of all these things with the ever present thought of "doing the right thing." And, as with this morning, that doesn't even make sense! The right thing with my hair? The right thing getting to work early? None of it matters!
What would happen if I let go of a bit of control? I don't think I'm a control freak- like I don't want to boss people around and I don't insist on having things my way- but in my own way I am. I've read about eating disorders and girls who get them are just trying to have some semblance of control (perhaps ownership?) in their own lives. That's what it is for me. Some sort of dependability, sanity, things being safe. I'm also gravely afraid that I'll mess everything up and ruin everything and get in trouble. So, I try always to do the right thing. I think I've loosened up when I say the "right" thing has at least softened to the most "practical." But still, be in control. Follow the rules, the schedule, the plan... and when that doesn't work? Kick the dog, be mad at the husband, berate myself.

What if I just want to be happy?