Yesterday I sat somewhere on campus between the public transit station and the math building. One of my favorite parts of campus! The air was cool and smelled like fall and I took a minute to watch the leaves grow. I remembered just how much I wanted to be back at the University. However, when it came time to head for class, I just didn't want to go. I wanted to hide, run, cower. Sometimes I really want to be smart. But, I thought, sometimes I just want to know stuff. And math isn't something you know. It's something you do. I don't know if I want to DO this anymore. I wish I could just absorb knowledge... all these fascinating elements of life, science and poetry. Maybe I'm not meant to be a great artist. Maybe I just want to go to the museums. Is there anything so wrong with that?
2 comments:
Well put, JoAnna! Beautiful writing. Very artistic, I might say. What is it about deciding what you really want in life? Why is it that no matter the situation there always seems to be a better one somewhere around the corner? Are we destined to be unhappy everywhere we are at? Or someday will we finally narrow our scope enough to know what we truly want in life? That is indeed a quandary.
P.S. I love campus in the Fall!!
I battle with this type of thing all the time (or at least I assume that what I go through is to some degree comparable). I have all my goals and ambitions but the requisite journey scares me. I fantasize about the "perfect world" wherein we can all just study and learn and grow intellectually, and it isn't a challenge or a competition -- we just lavish, unhindered, in a fountain of genius. I say I'll be a professor but I can scarce remember my name if a teacher ever puts me on the spot. How can I BE the teacher?!? Luckily, I've never regretted setting out on this path. As scary as it gets, I forge on with the delusion that someday the anxiety of it all will be completely behind me.
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