Tonight as I went to get in the shower, I felt a bit vulnerable. Rayne and Grandma had gone to bed and Jeff was still at school. I don't like leaving Rayne even long enough to shower if no one is there to get her. But I'm pretty quick at showering when I have to be and I can hear her through the wall. You know how those thoughts enter your mind though and I started being afraid of being home alone with just the three of us. It's not like we could fight anyone off if we had to and I wondered if Grandma left the back door unlocked for Jeff to come home. I thought that if someone came in and robbed us or worse hurt my baby, I would never forgive myself. It would be all my fault.
Okay, moment of rational thinking. It's not totally unreasonable to be concerned and safe. And if something huge and tragic like that happened, you would blame yourself. But this train of thought was interesting to me because I'd spent the day with mom trying to figure out some of my life and as I showered I realized that even if someone mean and evil and horrible were to break into my house and hurt my loved ones, I would still blame myself. It wouldn't, in a way, be the bad guy's fault. I'm the one that didn't protect myself when I know there are people like that out there.
Huh!?!?!?!
Is everything my fault?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sunny day
I feel like I have had a crazy busy week... but in a good way.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.
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