Great Expectations

I have always felt strongly that it's important to accept people the way they are. I think this is especially important in a marriage relationship. They say if you love a guy thinking you'll change him (I guess a lot of women do this?), you'll just be disappointed, to say the least. I had a friend once tell me, completely seriously, that the first thing you have to do when you "get a guy" is break his ego. This was so important to her. She'd married a boyfriend who cheated and, guess what?, divorced a husband that cheated. Sad and not her fault, etc, but she felt that if you could destroy the guy's ego, he'd be humble enough to stay where he belonged. This is an extreme example, but why would you want to be with someone that's a destroyed person? How can you love someone and totally change who they are?


I think this has been a very good thing in mine and Jeff's relationship. I think we treat each other with a lot of respect and appreciation for just being who you are. This frees us to love each other... it becomes unconditional when you love them without seeing something you want to change.


But, of course, there is a flip side. I've been thinking lately that I take this too far. I don't expect anything of him. I don't and won't ask for anything, no matter how much I need or want it. I think I'm afraid that if I ask or expect anything from him, he'll resent me, he'll feel pressured and stuck and want to leave.

Expectations are important though. I think you have to have expectations of your children. They need boundaries and rules. I feel like I've done better with things, at least sometimes, when I expect things of myself that I don't really know if I can live up to- like taking hard math classes. I just worry that I don't ask anything of those around me. I think I do it out of love, but sometimes I worry it's a lack of self respect in some way. Even the dog, I don't make her do things, like get off the bed because I'm crowded, because I don't want to make HER uncomfortable. She's the dog. Sleeping on the floor is okay. But what if I can't make my kids eat their vegies or go to school because I'm afraid I'll make them feel bad or it will hurt them (in the moment- I realize in the long run, that's not even a good question).

And what about my husband? Growing up, there were certain things I thought the dad and husband should do. This is not necessarily because of what I saw my dad do. Things I thought and felt and decided, on my own. But now, here he is, and I'm afraid of even thinking I need something from him. The thing is, sometimes I think he wants or needs the expectations.

My mind is completely scattered and I've been trying to write this for two days. I'm sure it doesn't make any sense, but maybe you can get the feel of it. I suppose it just comes down to wondering how much is okay to ask or expect of someone?