I feel pretty- oh so pretty

The other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for one brief moment (very brief!) I actually felt love for my body. Not for health and strength and lack of disformity or handicap. But genuinely, I loved how my body looked.

This has happened once before in my entire life. I was at the gym by mom’s house. At that gym they have a women’s weight room that I liked to go in because there was more privacy etc. I always wore a t-shirt over a tank top thing over a sports bra (trying to contain it all, y’know). In the weight room, I sometimes took off the t-shirt because seeing myself in the mirrors helped me to concentrate on the muscles and see how things were changing. One time, sitting in the seat of one of the machines, I looked in the mirror and was actually happy about the way my body curves. It wasn’t (still isn’t) tight and small and toned. But I am strong and healthy… and curvaceous and soft. I liked that I looked like that.

Even typing this here, I feel like I should apologize or at least acknowledge that yes, I know I have a round belly and I’m larger than a lot of women. And that’s the point. These moments only last a moment. Because we're not allowed to love our bodies. If you’re skinny, you should be curvier. If you’re fat, you’re fat. If you have big boobs, you should wear a minimizing bra. If you’re small you should wear a padded one. Okay, fine, I’m all for self improvement. And there are health reasons to lose weight yada yada. I get it. But it’s like against the rules to actually love yourself physically.

My problem is, I let other people’s opinions get in my way. How can I love myself when voices keep telling me not to?

Meme

If I were a scientist, I'd create a time machine and live in happy memories and hopeful futures. Although, I must admit that lately I appreciate the fact that "God blessed the broken roads that led me straight to you." (Sorry, Benny, it's a country song). ALl my dead ends, uphill climbs, day to day long drives through the desert have led me to where I am and I feel excitingly attached to that lately. ANd hey, the scenery hasn't been so bad.

"If I were a painter, I would paint a memory... climb inside the swirling skies to be with you..." (another song- Nora Jones!). I'd paint pictures like that one movie where Robin Williams goes to heaven and heck with really chuncky paint- every color dripping with a million shades of itself.

If I were a farmer I would live in Star Valley and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I know you'd have to work hard for your survival, but isn't that what we're all doing anyway? ANd it seems much more connected to what you're doing. I'd sit on my porch every morning drinking hot postum in the arms of my true love and watch the sun kiss the mountain tops- that magical time when it's cool and you feel life awakening. We'd sit there again at night and eat fruits and vegetables and watch our children play.

Now, is there anyone left to be tagged? Is anyone even reading this? I know I know. I don't blog much. My only computers are at mom's (usually I or the computer are occupied by someone else) or at work- where I try to be as little as possible lately. Miss you all!