The other day we were struggling with a lot of stuff. I sat outside with the baby just trying to remember to breathe. I prayed and basically said, "if I'm going to lose the battle and everything's just going to fall apart anyway, please just let it hurry and happen." The thought came quite quickly to me "then what's the point of fighting the battle?" The idea of a battle isn't actually how I started to pray. I was asking about some very specific things going on in our life, I just want to leave that out here. The battle idea came in the answer.
It seems to me that we are taught to choose the right, pray for everything, follow God's plan... all the things we want our children to know is true and out there. But it seems to me that it so easily leads to thinking that things are set in stone. If I choose the wrong job, school, outfit :), I might just mess up my eternal destiny. Destiny. What does that word mean and does it even exist? What I learned in this prayer, and what I seem to continue to learn in life, is that it's not all set. I suddenly remembered that there is this ongoing war between good and evil/right and wrong and THAT's why it's important to "choose the right." Not right like on a multiple choice test, but right in the sense of what are you fighting for? What are you defending and pursuing?
If God knows the answer and the outcome, it's hard to want to figure it out ourselves. But isn't that the point of life? In my situation, it's not destined that certain things happen or not. What is destined is that I'm at this point making these decisions and I have to decide to keep fighting or not. How I'm going to fight. What I'm fighting for.
I guess this is still a bit vague without specific examples. But it helped me to think that I'm not being overcome by my surroundings, but actually trying to serve God just by living my life. And my life, my family, my desires and values ARE worth fighting for.
With a little bit of faith, we might just win the war.
