Married Christmas 1

Christmas was wonderful this year. I had to work Christmas Eve, which was a totally new experience for me (last year, it was on Sunday and I've always had academic jobs before). It felt like a typical, crazed Monday. At times it felt even worse! Not only was I trying to do all my Monday stuff, but I also had to help out for at least two other people that took the day off. Surprisingly though, things went very smoothly and quickly. I worked VERY hard but got things done in record time and was allowed to leave around 2 o'clock.

We took our dog to be babysat by Jeff's dad's family and went to Jeff's grandma's for her Christmas Eve shin-dig. This is Jeff's mom's family. She has two brothers with kids and there were a lot of people there. Jeff's nephew is 5 (or 6?) and still young and excited. The cousins are all young teenagers but they too were playful and having a good time. Jeff's mom and uncle's bought a big bird house on a stand for his grandma and she was so excited she squealed and cried. It was cute. Jeff's step dad is a gruff seeming guy who is always poking fun and making jokes. He also seems very sweet hearted but I'm never sure how to take him. And Jeff's grandpa, who is divorced from his grandma but they still "hang out," is a very sweet guy. I really like him although I haven't been around him much. Jeff's mom and grandma were very generous in their gifts to us. They have always made me feel very welcome and included.

From there, we went to my parents' house. It was snowing like crazy and we got about a foot of snow in an hour. The drive was scary and I wanted to cry. Jeff on the other hand, fell asleep in the car. We stayed the night at my parents', which was a really big thing for Jeff to do for me. I think it's awkward to stay at someone else's house and never even much liked sleep overs and slumber parties. I know Jeff felt a bit hesitant, but he was a trooper and even admitted to feeling okay about it afterward.

By they time we got there, Jeff had been awake for 27 hours so we went to bed about 8 o'clock. I wanted to stay up and play Santa with my mom- wrapping presents, eating cookies and setting things up- like I have in years past. But, Jeff didn't want to be left alone. After about an hour, not able to sleep or get very comfortable, I got up and wrapped ONE present and ate a donut. Mom was busy in the other room and Kiki was being her spaced out self. I didn't know what else to do and was finally feeling tired so I went to bed. It was hard to go to sleep and what felt like only an hour or so after I was finally drifting off, Jeff woke up. I thought he was up for good. We went out and found him some Mt. Dew and a donut and he wanted to play with our new iPods. I was so tired, but I tried to be a good sport for him. After about an hour, he was ready to sleep again- thank goodness!- so I got a few good hours of sleep.

We got up and had Christmas morning around 7:30(?). Kiki said a nice prayer and Dad was his normal self, trying to be organized and pass the black garbage sack around. Of course things were perfect and pretty and special, because Mumsy makes them so. I'm always impressed at how she can give you everything you want as well as the little special things you wouldn't think of. Jeff got a pendant with a quote from Walt Whitman on it and we (I) got a special ornament for our first Married Christmas.

We waited for Ben and Mel to come over and basically said hi before we had to go again. We went to Jeff's dad's again and visited there for a while. His dad cracks me up with all his silliness. His brother played video games and his step mom's brothers (they are 16?) live there too and they are always very friendly. I think they all look at Jeff as the video game king and like to talk and show him stuff. And our dog missed us. I felt very happy to see her and take her home.

Jeff spent the rest of the day playing with all our new toys and we ate chilli dogs for dinner (how festive). We were exhausted and went to bed about 8 o'clock, unable to stay awake to watch Harry Potter.

With the new year approaching, I've been thinking a lot about goals and resolutions and where we are headed. Last year, I'd been at my job for only a few months and Jeff was just starting his. We were starting to put our finances together and I was looking forward to planning our wedding. There was also a lot of change going on in the family. It felt like last year, for me, was about getting married and settling into new jobs, a new apartment, and putting our lives into one.
This year, I feel like we've accomplished something or arrived somewhere. It feels like a real jumping off point. It's like now we are officially US and things will be different from now on and it's okay. I feel a bit more... like I've taken ownership of our life and home and family (us and the dog). Last year I was still testing the water and now I feel ready to take off swimming.

Peace

One of my pre-set radio stations in my car has recently changed to a country station. I'm sorry to confess but a couple years ago I started listening to country music sometimes just because it had nice messages and the videos on t.v. had pretty scenery. Yesterday, driving home from work, the song on the radio was about a guy driving home with his kid in the back seat eating a happy meal. He suddenly has to slam on his breaks and lets out a cuss word and when the food flies all over his son, he says the word too. When the guy asks the boy where he learned to talk that way he says, "I've been watching you, ain't that cool... I wanna be just like you."Later, the dad prays in his room for help to be a better person. Then he goes to check on his son and finds him on his knees praying to God like he's talking to a friend. He asks where he learned to talk that way and he says I've been watching you, ain't that cool...

Last night I drove Jeff to work. On the way home, trying to find any station playing any type of music, I stopped on a song I've heard plenty before. It has good music but I've never paid too much attention to the words. Something like "I'll keep you my dirty little secret... who needs to know"?????? What a contrast!

Sometimes I think I'm just a big whimp who whines and complains about everything. But, sometimes it's just too hard to be in this world. I feel like I return home everyday with huge battle wounds just from being out and around people. I had such a good weekend. I felt spiritually uplifted and encouraged. I prayed with more faith and I relaxed and quit worrying so much about things. But Monday comes and it feels like all that is taken away from me. It's so hard to hold onto the peace.

After I got home from picking Jeff up from work this morning, he played games while I took a shower. Then, as I was drying my hair, he went in and lay on the bed. After about a minute and a half, he asked if I was done yet. Frustrated, this being the third time in that minute and a half that I turned the drier off so I could hear what he was saying, I said, fine, I'll be done. Then I went to put a bit of make-up on my skin not JUST for vanity but for protection becuase the cold weather is drying me out and he asked what I was doing now. He just wanted me to come in and talk to him.
Unfortunately, I was a bit out of patience. But as I snuggled him so he could go to sleep, I had two thoughts. The first was how good it felt and how glad I am to have someone to hold. But I also had thoughts like I "should" insist on taking time for myself. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. It did feel like I was "supposed" to think that or fight back or something. I felt sad that I couldn't just be there with him and take care of him.