I had an epitome yesterday. I hesitate to try to explain it because I don't want anyone to be offended or take it personally etc. At the same time, I think that saying it really is nothing new and if anything is new, it may be helpful, not critical.
What I realized is that I was raised in a negative, fearful environment. EVERYTHING is hard and scary and impossible and going to bother someone so you better not. I told Jeff this morning that I can't even get my hair done because I better not spend the money, it will bug him if I take the time to do my hair everyday, it will probably bug the dog who has to wait for me to go outside or will freak out if I use the hair dryer so I just better not do it. What the heck? It's my hair for cryin' out loud, not a life changing thing. AND! It's MY hair. Can't I make that decision?
It just seems that nobody does what we want to do or just lives life and is happy about it. And, no offense, but I'm just like these people and I don't want to be! Poor Jeff has to live with me ALWAYS pouting about and struggling with things. Even things that should make me happy, I find something in them to stress about. And you can't just be happy, you have to apologize and down play it all. Argh!
I have another blog on here called my happy hippie journal. It was started because I realized that even when I try to exert my beliefs and feelings etc, I do so in a negative way. I criticize someone when really I'm trying to say that I value the opposite of what they said/did/etc. The other blog was supposed to be a place for me to just be happy and work on saying things in a positive way and say what I want and what I'm doing- no apologies, no negative slant. Maybe that's all I'm saying here.
I didn't even get the dog without feeling stupid about the expense, the mess, the hassle- and I"M THE ONE THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH IT! Why should I apologize to someone else?
Well, because. You tell someone and they groan "what would you want to do that for?"
I wanted to eat healthy and no one else liked it.
I wanted to take a walk or ride my bike and I had to be careful and not go too far.
I wanted to be an artist and the lady at the school said I didn't want to work hard.
I wanted to write stories and the stuff I wrote about wasn't as good as what someone else wrote or might not be "righteous" or it would explore different feelings and that would be bad.
I wanted to be a mom and I can't afford it.
I wanted to fall in love and I had to fear for my morals.
I wanted to wear cute clothes and it was vain.
I wanted to have friends and it would bother someone and we'd have to clean the house.
I wanted to go to church and I had to go by myself.
I wanted to play baseball and I had to play by myself.
2 comments:
I don't know what to say. I've started here many times. I just want you to know I've read it. I hope things change soon for you...don't be afraid.
its like you can read my mind.... but you have a better way of expressing things than I do, I get frustrated and tongue tied... I apologize for everything my kids say or do or need... I can't afford them yet I have them... When I think of my kids and myself and our needs, I feel like the plague and everyone should steer clear of us because we're all consuming... I hate that feeling. I want the boys to be boys and be happy knowing that they're doing normal things that boys do. But I don't know normal either. I grew up scared of everything, not good enough for anyone and just wanting someone to love me but never feeling worthy of it. It's a mind set I have to get out of or its going to ruin my future. Steve tells me 'I can't live in your past' and you know he shouldn't have too... I just don't know how to escape it.
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