I'm going to Hawaii with the best boyfriend in the whole world who will then be MY HUSBAND! and we're going to drive a convertible!!!!!

Merry Christmas!

I'm a Toys R Us kid

When I was sixteen, or not quite but my friend was, one of the first times she got to take her mom's car out, at some point in the evening, we decided to take a drive. We were talking and probably she was having fun driving and being in control of where we went. I remember feeling nervous- not nervous like we were going someplace scary or because she wasn't supposed to drive more than to here and back. Just nervous. I was strangely aware of a new step in my life. I no longer had to always ask permission. It was kind of a strange feeling. Perhaps at sixteen, we shouldn't have been driving around when and where parents didn't know. But it really wasn't a big deal. We weren't joy riding, just talking and "taking the long way" home.

Years later, after college, I had my own car, my own job and I remember one day I wasn't ready to go home after work. I had good tunes on the radio, something on my mind and it was a beautiful day. As I passed the exit I would normally take, I had that same nervous feeling. "I'm not supposed to be doing this."

But now I am getting ready to take a very big drive "by myself." I'm getting married!!! And I'm finding myself with that same nervous feeling. Shouldn't I be asking someone's permission? Shouldn't there be rules and routines that I'm supposed to follow?
It's really strange as we discuss some decisions and actually make others- from the flowers for the wedding to buying a house someday- I don't feel like a grown up. What do you mean WE can make those decisions? AND, they are ours to make! No one else should be involved... I mean, parental advice is a good thing, but when it comes down to it, it's OUR marriage, OUR life, OUR home, OUR family. So, it should be OUR decisions.

I don't mean that in a "butt out" way. I mean that in a "I need to grow up and be responsible" way. I need to take some initiative in my life. I think if we are to build a family/life/marriage here, we have to take the responsibility. Perhaps I feel hesitation because I know if I mess up, someone else has to be there to help me through it. Like if we want to spend a million dollars on something and then we don't have rent money and the parents end up helping us out, in a sense, they have the right to tell us we shouldn't have spent it in the first place. Maybe I see that and think parents shouldn't bail us out and that's really scary. Maybe I'm afraid of being on my own with it.

The problem with all this is that I find myself, instead of getting happy and excited about things, stressing out. Why can't I just say "we did this or we're doing that because we want it to be that way" and be excited about it? Instead I worry what everyone in the world will think- of course they'll be negative about it- and then if it all goes wrong, not only will I be disappointed, but I'll feel stupid for not listening to them in the first place. But perhaps...

If it all goes right, we will have a life that we have created together.

Couch Potato

A couple is trying to buy a new couch for their home. They go to the store and the husband picks one out. He seems to have his heart set on it, but maybe he's just being practically minded, thinking of space, cost, even the color. The wife doesn't see one she wants and feels like they should wait. The husband insists this is the only chance they have to buy a sofa and if they don't take it, they'll miss out on the incredible sale and who knows when or if they'll ever be able to get one. If the wife is okay with the one he picked, how much can she assert her feeling that she just doesn't want it? If she doesn't dislike it, but she's not real excited about it, does that give her more reason to say no? If she just cannot stand to live with it- the color, the size, the shape, whatever- does that give her even more "right" to say no? And if the husband DOES have his heart set on it, how much should that play into their decision? Which partner should give?

A couch seems like a silly thing to "fight" about. It's not going to change the world or how you feel about each other. On the other hand, it's a big piece of furniture. It takes up space, should be a place for you to be comfortable, and is something you have to live with EVERY day. That's why it's a good example- it's big and small at the same time.
I am very non-assertive. Most things, to me, are not worth fighting about. I can roll with the punches pretty well. I can be happy at whatever restaurant we choose to eat at- whether they have rolls and punch or not! But sometimes, it seems like I need to be careful. I need to have an opinion whether I do or not, whether it matters or not. And when it comes to "buying a sofa," I'm not sure what the best approach is. How do I assert myself? How do I compromise and be fair? When is it okay to insist on getting your way?

Honey's Sweet

Last Saturday, I visited another wedding place. This one is called Log Haven and is just up the street from the last one. We drove by it after visiting the first one and thought it looked too big and we liked the first one so why bother keep shopping? But, I kept having an incling to go.

I think this is the one!

The room where the ceremony and luncheon would take place is more like an attached tent- you're outside without really being outside. The ceiling is white fabric that drapes and lets in lots of light. At the end of the "room," where we'd stand and actually BE MARRIED! is a big window right on the side of a mountain. There are trees and rocks- it's beautiful! They have poles with candles on top that aren't really candles, they are like battery operated but look like real candles. You can decorate the poles however you want with flowers etc. They even have trees inside!

The price is amazing- compared to the other place- and there are no minimums. We can have our little wedding and not worry that we aren't spending enough. There is a waterfall across the street for pictures and a pond up the road. As we sat outside waiting for it to be time to go in, I had some sort of deja vu but in the future very intense thing. It was a good feeling, but almost too overwhelming. Does that mean something? :)

On Saturday I also went and looked at MY dress. They got in the one I ordered so I got to see and touch what will really be MINE. It's beautiful. When I ordered it, they had two shades of white. A bright white and a softer, barely off white. I chose the second one. They called me a couple days later to say they'd made a mistake and it sounded like it was just the names that were different for the shades of white. I said that's fine and still went for the off white. I stopped in a couple days later and they showed me one that I was worried would look too yellow. I've always like the "ivory" color, the yellow tint is flattering to me, but I want a white dress. I was a bit concerned about it. But it was perfect! Such a soft, flowy white color. I think of it as the difference between a shiny satiny white and a matte, sheer white. I almost cried when I saw it.

I'm hesitant to say anything just yet, but also in the works are a possible honey moon to Hawaii. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii for my honeymoon. Then I fell in love with someone who doesn't like sun or warm. We've been talking about an Alaskan cruise, not knowing if maybe it would be too early in the year for that. We talked to someone who said the end of March is the wettest, snowiest time of year in Alaska and it was actually Jeff's idea to go to Hawaii. Nothing's finalized, but it's more than just talk at this point.

Four months from this coming Saturday is THE day! Can you believe it!?!?!?!

Millcreek Inn

Saturday my fiance, sister and I went to tour a place that I've been looking at online for our wedding. It's in Millcreek Canyon. I'm happy to say it was quite a pleasant experience and I (we) got quite excited. I was worried that they'd try to sell us a bunch of stuff we don't need and not listen to what it is WE want. But the woman was really nice and I think I'd pick the place just because she seemed amiable to work with, if nothing else. My only concern is, they have a food and beverage minimum price and considering we want to keep our guests to a minimum, there would be a challenge of spending ENOUGH money. Kinda weird and I'm not sure I like that. There's another place just up the road from this one that says they have no overall minimums we are scheduled to look at next Saturday.

The place we went to is called Millcreek Inn. It looks really small and you'd probably miss it if you weren't looking for it. When we first pulled up, we debated if it even looked like the picture on the website. But yes, if you focused just on the front door, you could see it. I think we all were a bit skeptical that we would be impressed. Not that it looked bad, just... quaint.

And quaint it was. It reminded me of a little log cabin, which I found incredibly charming. For the time of year of our wedding, they would set everything up inside. We really want something outside, but with the weather being unpredictable we weren't sure what to do. This place seemed to have the answer. It would be all inside, but there are windows all around. And since it's in the mountains, you feel like you're outside even though you are warm and cozy inside.

The room where the ceremony would take place is small. They'd set the chairs up at an angle and focus us at the fireplace next to the big patio doors and windows (the outside thing). Then they'd set up for a luncheon in a separate room, also with lots of windows. They would have candles everywhere, which I think is really cool. And the woman suggested for our table center pieces, getting pictures of us together or growing up. I thought that was a great idea. I wanted to make a scrap book of that to display. One way or the other, how fun!

Jeff and I are both the type of people that don't like to shop around. We like it, it's what we want, why bother? I was very excited when we left. I do however keep having an incling to go look at the other place still. We drove by it and it looks a bit bigger, which isn't a good thing to us. But over all didn't look any better or worse. Supposedly they have a waterfall- that could be a big selling point for me- but we couldn't really see anything from the road.

I'm glad we had a positive experience. I'm really excited and want to start making concrete plans and decisions. I felt like this helped me to really focus on what I want this to be like.

Idle Babble

Sitting at work, I watch people go by in their suits and business casual clothes. Some of them are no older than I am, and I feel like just a kid. I watch them across the office, doing their business, introductions are made, they discuss who does what and then they leave, off to finish whatever task is at hand. I wonder if they are as smart as they look? Are they as confident as they act? Are they as scared of not knowing what they're doing as I often get?

. . . . . . . . .

I've been chatting via email with an old friend of mine. Sometimes I miss her and want to talk about everything. Other times, she's more like an amusement or distraction when things are slow. It's funny how it's the same old drama with her as it was several years ago; and years before that, it was the drama leading up to this.
The other day, just in her conversation, something was mentioned that took me back to when I did hang out with her and was more involved. I started thinking of things that happened, things I thought and felt, things that were said... I seriously felt like I was going to barf. I wanted to hurl, just to be rid of the whole thing. I blamed myself for being stupid, for "letting" things happen that now I wish wouldn't have. I felt hate- which is an extreme word when I actually mean it and I do here- hate for her? myself? other people? the situation? the feelings? for not being in control... for not seeing the future better... for putting undeserved faith in people...
I talked to myself a good while and worked through the feelings. I came to an understanding, a forgiveness of sorts for myself. That was a positive thing. But I just wonder, why is it so hard? Why is it hard to forgive or let go? Why did it feel like I needed to physically throw it up in order to get rid of it? Is it just me and the way I react to things? Do other people just let go more easily? I still feel embarrassment about a high school chemistry project I kinda messed up or about guys I had crushes on as a teenager and even worse, things I tried to do about it.
I have in times past, dealt with things. I think it's a maturity- to get over it. To realize you were just a kid etc etc. But sometimes... I wish things would just go away.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

My betrothed was really sweet yesterday. He just said and did a few things that reminded me he really does love me, appreciate me, need me.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can't believe it's November already. It's been a beautiful fall. I like it when there's a chill in the air and you have to wear a jacket outside.
I'm looking forward to the Holidays. I just like that time of year. I can't wait for everybody to come home and be around again. I have what I think is a quite clever idea for family Christmas presents this year. I need to get on it and I'm having a bit of a hard time getting it to come together. If it doesn't work out, it could be really lame.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I've been playing on the internet a bit when I can, looking at places for my wedding. I've found one place that looks like it could be what we want AND it seems affordable! (of course, affordability could just be a relative term. I can't believe the price of some places!). It's in Millcreek Canyon (I can never remember know which canyon is which). The website looks nice. They have an outdoor ceremony place, which is a big thing we want. And they offer a lot of the extras. It might be nice to have someone take care of all of that so you make sure you have what you need! And someone else cleans up! :)

Anger Management

Is anger ever a good emotion?

Sometimes I wish I could get or stay mad because at least that would be some sort of self defense (I usually feel I have none). Sometimes it seems that anger gives you the chance to say what you really feel and to clear the air. To still feel love after, or during, the anger testifies of the strength of your love. To make someone mad and still know they love you offers a lot of security and a feeling of acceptance.

But still, I don't believe in anger. Overall, I don't think it is a productive, worth while emotion. Does it REALLY get you anywhere? or is that just looking at the bright side of a dark cloud?

I recently heard someone at work yelling at her daughter on the phone. I could tell the mother was frustrated and maybe the child even "deserved it." The mother was saying "this is unacceptable." For some reason I imagined the two at home that evening, after the smoke had cleared. Would they laugh and feel close to each other? Would all be well? Would there be an evening of adjusting, not quite able to let go of hurt feelings, and needing to get back to "normal?" It made me sad.

It seems to me that some people can get mad or be mad at and just get over it. The anger is like popping a pimple and then it's gone. Some people seem to handle criticism and the wrath of a loved one or one in authority as if it's no big deal. I worked at a day care over the summer and a couple of my superiors ALWAYS seemed angry. It often seemed like the only way to get the kids to behave was to yell and be mad and punitive. Some kids shrugged it off, some not even listening. Other kids internalized it, some cried... you could see in their little eyes a shutting down. And the ones that did seem to handle it well? Sometimes, in sympathetic moments, it looked as if they had already shut down a long time ago.

I went to my fiance's dad's house on Sunday. Recently, Jeff's step mom has had some of her family move in with them. Jeff's little brother noticed that something that should have been done, wasn't and he tried to tell the new older boys that they needed to watch for it. That or he just saw a chance to get after them about something. He tried to raise his voice and sound angry and in charge. I haven't seen him like that before; perhaps it's part of his personality to talk that way to people? Maybe he felt a need to assert himself when his space is being a bit invaded. Maybe that's how people talk to him when he forgets to do something.

Last night I got mad at Jeff. He was bugging me and I tried to be nice about it. I tried to ignore him. I tried to fake being angry to get his attention. Nothing was working and I was finally so frustrated I yelled at him. It did seem to get his attention and make my point, but really all it did was leave me feeling sad. I don't want to feel that way toward him. I don't like talking to him that way. I apologized for being a jerk and reacting that way to something playful. He said maybe he was the one being the jerk and being insensitive. Maybe it's true on both sides, but all that happened is, we both felt like jerks. I don't like what it says about how we are relating even if just in that moment.

Anger says to the other person that "I am the boss." This means that their feelings, thoughts, etc don't matter. "I'm big and you're small..." It says that all that matters at this moment is how I feel and what I want. It tries to take charge of a situation or change the way things are going by belittling the other person- squishing them into submission. That's the only way the mom could get her kid to do what needed to be done. It's the only way the daycare could keep the kids under control. It was the brother's attempt to not lose his space, his home, his grounding. And it was the only way I could get Jeff's attention.

I don't see how, in the long run, anger changed anything for the better in those situations. Sure, the situation was changed, under control, perhaps even the result or outcome was what was needed. But even for those who are able to shrug it off, doesn't it change something more than the situation? Some of us are sensitive to that change. Others aren't. But it's still there and I'm not sure that it's good. In fact, I think it's something bad.

Maybe next time, the daughter will be quicker to do what the mother asks and is therefore learning responsiblity. Next time Jeff's being annoying, maybe I'll think more about what attention I'm not giving him and maybe next time he'll know better how to get it. Or maybe we'll all just be hesitant to act or feel anything. Maybe we'll all learn that our initial need or way of dealing with something wasn't good enough- it just brought anger.

But, what can we do? If Jeff won't listen until I get angry, or the daughter won't get things done until she's yelled at, or the daycare is out of control unless someone mean is in charge, maybe we have to get mad. What is our alternative?

Blue Bells, Wedding Bells

A few weeks ago at church, Jeff's step mom had them announce our engagement. Usually I don't get too embarrassed by those things and what feelings I do have of climbing under the seat so no one can look at me, I can usually block by pretending. I was a teacher after all and getting up in front of crowds, at least when I know what I'm talking about, isn't that big of a deal. With Jeff, I can hide nothing- even when other people are around. There's been more than a couple times when I've felt sad and wanted to keep it to myself- at least for a while- and he looks in my eyes and asks why I'm sad. He's wonderful, but I digress. For some reason, I was so embarrassed to stand up when they announced this at church- I didn't want everyone looking at me and sharing something so personal and I couldn't hide it. We both stood there looking at the floor and blushing. How silly.

People have been very nice and tell us congratulations. I guess it's because I'm the girl, but with the congrats comes a lot of questions and then advice. The following week, I had several people tell me congratulations only to follow it up with advice from printing invitations to pre marital counseling. This is all fine. People are just being nice, being excited for us, and making conversation. But, being me...

You all probably know the rest of the story, so you don't have to keep reading :)...

Being me, it's hard not to internalize all of it. I kinda left church feeling like a bunch of strangers were going to end up planning MY wedding and it was going to be NOTHING like what we both want. Jeff has been very supportive and keeps telling me to not listen to them and that it's MY wedding. He even tells me it's my wedding and he'll be there, but it's up to me how it all goes. That's nice, but I want him to be a part of the planning etc.

I'm suddenly wondering if he'll mind if I share this.

The other night we got talking about how we've imagined it and he told me of how he's dreamed his wedding- the setting, the flowers, the colors. It's perfect and we are very in sink (how do you spell that? what a funny expression! I'm in the sink??)

We've been thinking red. After Ben and Mel's nuptials, I imagined doing things a lot the same. I loved the elegance and the intimacy. For some reason, a year ago I fell in love with red. I wanted a new red car and my wedding was going to be red and I bought all new red ornaments for my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Red is one of Jeff's favorite colors and he claims that the only flowers he likes are red roses. So it all seemed perfect.

But when we talked the other night, he said that he always saw a lot of blue- light sky blue, even though it's not necessarily one of his favorites. When I was younger, for a long time, I wanted dark blue and white for my wedding. Perhaps somewhere along the way, someone said that that would be too dark or something. I went to sleep that night seeing blue flowers and feeling very calm.

We also want to keep things very small. Jeff says we should have only immediate family and joked about having bouncers with a list of who can come in. I said Karen would love that job! I don't know if it's even possible to keep things that small. I'm not sure how I feel about some friends and family members. But either way, we won't be inviting everyone we've ever known. And there won't be a parade of bride's maids etc.

We'd like to have an outdoor ceremony. In the mountains or a forest with lots of trees. At the end of March, that's kind of risky. Any suggestions? We're not sure where that would be. He's mentioned a place that his church goes camping that might be a nice set up. I think that could be kind of cool. I've thought of a few parks I've been too that might be a nice setting. Again, there's the weather to worry about. And, doing it that way, a lot of the set up would be left to us. But, I feel like I'd almost prefer that. It seems to detract from things to pay gargantuan amounts of money to rent a place. And then you have someone else doing it their way. But maybe it would be nice to have someone else do all the work.

I liked Gina's wedding too. It was simple and close and felt like what a wedding should be. Family, outdoors, a bit of cake, and just enjoying the day and each other.

Hmm... So much to think about. And those of you reading this, I'd like your thoughts and opinions. I don't feel like you take over. Besides, I know and love you. So don't hold back just because of what I said about people at church. It's just a me reaction.

Life is Good

Surprisingly, I keep finding brief moments of lull at work. Perhaps once in a while, I can drop a line of my own...

I have recently started a new job. So far, so good. I think my title is Circulation Production Clerk. Not very glamorous eh? But when have I ever been the glam type? I work for the Newspaper Agency. They have a program that donates newspapers to schools. It's good for the paper's numbers (advertising, etc) and a good educational resource for the teachers. My job mostly keeps track of those orders and dleiveries. Each week I print out thousands of pages of reports telling a bunch of different people where all the papers are going the next week. Exciting stuff. One of my other tasks is to put in some information about the papers and wrap up that days papers for mailing. Where these papers go and what the purpose is, I do not yet know. But one number I have to look at is the percentage of the paper- by volume?- actual number of pages, I think- is advertising. It's crazy. The number is usually around 50% and on the weekends is more around 75. As I said, good educational resource. A few days a week I also have to sort through a thousand pages finding certain numbers for what they call press reports. Again, I'm not sure where these reports go or what they are for, but it seems like a big waste of tree to print out the pages I get the info from. But, what do I know? My job is a lot of entering numbers into different data bases and spreadsheets (P.S. this is NOT math, just numbers), but being the nerd that I am, I like it. I like forms and spreadsheets and numbers and having my list of tasks to do everyday and filing things away and organizing it all.

Onto more interesting topics... Jeff and I saw a movie last weekend called "Fearless" starring Jet Li. It was really cool. I suppose I expected an action movie of fighting, even though Jeff's shown me enough in the past few months, I should know better, and I do like to see the fighting styles as an art. But it was so much better and more than that. The scenery was beautiful. The culture and philosophy were admirable. And Jeff's been waiting all week to go see it again.

I have been having lots of thoughts and ideas about my wedding. It's exciting but how does it ever come to fruition? I feel a bit lost. I keep imagining the PRETTY and hope at some point, I'll know how to make it happen. Maybe I just need to start acting on things?

I wax poetic... but maybe should stick to my legs...

Have you ever had a secret you want to shout from the rooftops so that everyone can share in your joy?
But at the same time, you want no one to know because even a thought of disapproval or misunderstanding will taint what beauty you have found?

A lifetime is forever, however long or short it's been. I've been standing on the edge of time, waiting, aching to fly, but my feet won't leave the ground. But then it only took one day and the wind blew and nothing's been the same since.

A knight in shining armor has entered my life. A few days together have felt like an eternity and a few hours apart even longer. To hold someone and know you belong there. To look in his eyes and see your own past, present, and future. To fear losing that person, knowing that your heart would never be able to open again. To feel joy just at the sight of them.

...

I'm trying to quit my Zoloft this week. It's hard to explain how I feel. It's like self criticism becomes strong. I could put words to the feelings that are there, but that's not how it comes. It comes in words, not feelings. And I feel very afraid of what everyone else thinks of me. I don't want to share my secrets because not only would disapproval taint their beauty, but now I'm vulnerable enough that I would be crushed by anyone else's pessimism. The fear of losing this great thing I have recently found is too much. I feel almost self destructive. Like I'm looking, expecting to be hurt by this person, and I'm afraid that I will unknowingly set things up for it.

"Life is Like a Box of Chocolates"

I don't feel like Jane this week. Jane was a journey, and I feel like I've reached that journey's end. Surprise, on the other side of the mountain, is just another journey. New paths to follow, new thoughts to explore, a whole new self to discover. You never know what you're going to get.

I'm a believer

Last Thanksgiving, Jane attended a Catholic mass with her brother's family. It was a very nice way to start what should be a religious, God honoring day. Jane had never been to mass before. She was raised in a different religion, so this was a new experience for her. At Jane's church, there is reverence, but generally people are very social before and after the service. There isn't so much ceremony and the clergy is made up of ordinary people that have ordinary jobs during the week. When you go to a Catholic church, there are lots of signs asking you to be quiet as you enter the chapel. The priest enters wearing his robes and there are candles lit ane bells were rung. Before the service starts, people are praying and thinking and giving reverence to God. There was a lot of silence. It was a really neat thing to see. The sincerity and faith of the people was obvious.

This last Sunday, Jane had an opportunity to attend a different church. This was the kind of church that has a band playing music as a big part of the service. Kids lined the walls and twirled ribbons, people stood up and swayed to the music. It was not quiet at all, but still the faith and sincerity of the people was obvious. Jane liked this church a lot. People were happy and expressive about God and their beliefs. People were friendly and welcoming. The service was all about connecting to God and giving him what you are made of; accepting what he's made in you and making the most of it. The music was really good and even though it was different than what Jane usually hears at church, she felt God there as well.

As a child, Jane would imagine heaven as a happy and lively place. People would laugh and dance and enjoy each other. At church, Jane learned that God was a reverent God and she imagined heaven to be a more somber and contemplative place- like a library for the spirit.

Jane has felt the spirit in both these ways. Recently, after her own church meetings, she told her sister that she had felt the spirit in a happy way, a more joyful way than usual, even though the meeting had been especially reverent. Jane has also felt the need for the quietness of her own mind, so that she can hear what God is telling her heart.

I guess the point is just that God is everywhere. There is no right or wrong way to worship. It's sincerity. It's communion with a higher power. It's knowing in your own heart what God is to you. These are the things that are important. These are the things that will keep you connected to God. And isn't that what it's all about?