A Bunch Of Stuff

Today, I awkwardly climbed out of the car (I drove Jeff's car and it's low to the ground but has long doors I can't open all the way if I'm parked next to someone) and stood there straightening my twisted shirt, jacket, pants. I didn't LOOK, but noticed in the back seat of the car next to me there was some kind of swim suit catalog on top of a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs. Hmpf, I thought, as I quickly thought of what the driver of the car might be like- a hot girl and this is her shopping stack? a young stud and this is better than hiding them under his mattress from his mommy? an old pervert?
As I walked to the building, in an attempt to control some of the negative thoughts I've been fighting this week, I thought don't judge so quickly. Just realize you kinda wish you looked like a Victoria's Secret/swimsuit model. That wasn't much more positive to me and I quickly replaced that with, I wish I looked like me.
This was an interesting thought. Not just an acknowledgement of being okay with myself, but thinking okay, what does Me look like? And maybe who Me is right now is different than who Me was a year ago, three years ago or what Me will be like in another year or three.
Perhaps one way to combat self esteem issues and all the messages that are out there is to be very vigilant in looking inside. (Well duh- thought I was getting somewhere- thinking as I type...).
The other day Jeff said something about true beauty is on the inside (I don't remember what we were talking about but it wasn't directed at me). I said, yeah, that's just supposed to be a nice way to say you're ugly so get over it and find something else to like about yourself. He said he never really liked that phrase but he does really think that true beauty STARTS on the inside and can surface. That's a good thought.
So, again, what does Me look like? What inner beauty can I bring to the surface?

Speaking of beauty. I read an article that some dermatologist has a theory (at the END of the article they tell you no studies have been done on it, it's just this guy's thoughts) that some lip gloss can cause or help bring about skin cancer on your lips. He says the really glossy kind with no SPF is like putting a magnifying glass over lips in the sun. It described some of the skin conditions he's seen on the lips that aren't cancer but weird growths and spots etc. Kinda really grossed me out. Sometimes, especially lately for some reason, I've wondered about all the chemicals we put on (not to mention in- microwaves and processed food with indefinite shelf lives) our bodies for beauty and even hygeine. Kinda scary.

And somehow this thought fits in here too. It's not developed and I was trying to formulate a blog out of it but couldn't or haven't yet. Do you know who Miley Cyrus is? She plays Hannah Montana on a Disney channel show. I've never watched it but I know little girls at the day care and the boss's daugher here kinda idolize her. She's a singer and does concerts as both peronas- Hannah and Miley. She's touted, from what little I know, as this clean all American role model, unlike Britney Spears and the rest. Even the Christian radio station I sometimes frequent talks about her. Her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus is a country singer who I guess is so full of Christian family values.
Well anyway, the latest thing on MSN and the radio stations (hm, not the Christian one) is about risque pictures of Miley. I guess there are some provocative ones on MySpace or somewhere that show a hint of her green bra and her laying on her boyfriend, and then I guess the big one is a photo shoot she did for Vanity Fair (?) that was supposedly supposed to be some artsy fartsy thing but really is an almost naked 15 year old girl trying (or perhaps accomplishing?) looking sexy. Hm...
Whatever your judgements... it's just sad to me that someone so young is being thrown into that world. And it seems to happen to all of them. And when it's someone that's supposedly so clean cut and a role model for kids, it makes me really sad. Can't even our little girls exist without trying to be sexy and worry about looks etc etc etc.
And then here's my interesting but undeveloped thought... I'm not even sure how to say it. I was just kinda thinking that maybe, in some way, it's natural or like a right of passage for girls, probably at young-mid teenagehood, to become aware of their sexuality. To realize they have this... seductiveness? for lack of a better word. And maybe just to feel pretty and not in a Daddy says I'm cute and his little girl way but in a I'm a woman kind of way. So, posing for pictures and acting slutty isn't the way to go about expressing or exploring this. But maybe it's these kind of stories/examples that have always made that feeling (if I ever had it) in me get stifled. These things are bad. She's bad and we don't like her and don't want to be like that. So, any feelings I may have had of oh, I'm a girl or oh, I'm pretty or whatever, kinda got associated with negative things when really the feelings not bad, it's the expression of it? Or something like that.

Hm... someone at work has a birthday today. I just heard her tell someone she's 30. She looks... not old, but older and grown up. She has kids and a husband and has lived in another state. She has a more take charge kind of job and talks with authority and assertiveness. Am I old? and I just don't know it? I can't see myself as a grown up. Maybe I need to start.