I guess I'm going to have an emotional reaction but then hope I make a point that maybe is something we need to think about or is at least interesting or something....
Yesterday, with about 20 minutes left of work, I sat listening to some women talking. One of them was telling the others about teaching a lesson in Young Women's at church. I don't know for sure if this is what she told the girls, a lesson she had had when she was in Young Women's, or a combination of both. However it went, she was saying that the teacher said you have to decide right now if you're going to the temple. It's something you decide now, not later.
I too have had this lesson. And, I agree with it. I believe in having goals so you end up where you mean to. I understand that when it comes to virtue (aren't all temple lessons really about protecting your virtue?) you have to make the decision BEFORE you're in a situation making out with a boy you think you are in love with etc.
Then her story went on. Someone said, and it's SO true, if a man doesn't love you enough to take you to the temple, he doesn't love you enough. I understand the intent of what was said. Especially when talking about a boy who also should be or claims to be living for the temple. You can't use love as an excuse to sacrifice your virtue and give up the temple. Okay, I get it.
But this is the part I had to get up and go cry in the bathroom and pray to God and tell him I'm sorry. It's not like I didn't live for the temple. It's not like I wasn't worthy to go. It's not like I just threw that away. I believe God knows this but somehow I felt so crappy hearing these people talk. Even though I got the "intent." I've probably taught lessons and would teach lessons and say the same thing, because how else do you make it clear how important it is?
And that's the interesting question to me. How do you teach such important lessons- about temples and virtue and marriage- without... Well, I didn't think I was feeling what I felt just as an outsider would, although that is something to consider. It's sad to me that I have in my life been surprised that people of other faiths really do love God and pray and have miracles in their lives. Boys/men of other faith aren't all promiscuous cheathers. Couples of other faiths really do love each other and their families. Etc, etc... But what I felt was...
Here we are, people trying to do good things, trying to teach "our" children to make the right choices and yet... there was so much guilt and piousness to it. That's what I felt. Just like other religions and churches I've heard about and read of in history that control people and take away humanity because art is evil, science is of the devil, love is wrong. I mean, maybe it wasn't that bad but it just scared me like what have I been taught? what have I been listening to? that would tell me now that my husband doesn't love me enough or that it was just my own indecision that kept me from the greatest blessing God's given to us?
Maybe I'm just being like the guilty party who gets defensive and tries to justify their own actions. If that's what you see in me and what I'm saying, please don't respond because even if you're right and I need to hear it, I can't. But I just want to cry out!!! Because maybe the people that matter to me and that I care about bearing my testimony to think about me now in such a way that I have set a bad example for them. If that makes any sense at all. I just want those I care about to know how real God and spiritual things are to me. That I DO believe in temples and forever and prophets. And in my heart and mind, it's not at all contradictory to say that I also believe that God gave me this guy that is so perfect for me. I even feel, perhaps I'm wrong but I don't think so, that God asked me to love someone who doesn't know about temples and prophets etc. Because maybe he needs me to show it to him. Or maybe God needs me so that some day He can show it to him. Or maybe God just gave me something really good and I wasn't willing to walk away and "decide" that he (or He-God) doesn't love me enough to take me to the temple.
So there's my testimony of sorts.
But I didn't want to just be emotional in this post. Not just defensive. I really want to ask the question I don't have words for... Maybe it's just this: how do we teach our children what's right without making everything wrong? I believe in taking a definite stand against truly bad and wrong things. I don't believe in being indifferent. But how do we teach our children, even ourselves, what is right AND teach love and acceptance and that life is a great big mess and it's beautiful and there is a difference between art and porn, science and lacking faith? That love is all that matters?
4 comments:
Today is Monday. I hope you are feeling a lot better than Friday. It breaks my heart that you were upset enough to need to go away and cry. I believe you have done the right thing in your marriage, and that it will work for good. Simply marrying in the temple does not gaurantee happiness, or even the right person to be married to. I know you showed a great deal of faith and commitment when you married Jeff. It will work for good.
I remember President Benson warning us against wrongful pride. It looks like he was forcasting a real problem that has developed since he was alive. I think there is a great deal of stiff-neckedness in the S.L.Valley. Don't forget, also, what you learned from the movie CHOCOLATE. Life is to be experienced and passion for life and anything else is a good thing. Teach your children to be happy and to love everyone. I believe then, that the rest will come naturally.
I'm posting a quote here that has currently become my mantra. Life needs the extraordinary souls to even make life happen. We need to stand up and cheer or cry or laugh, etc.
"Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round heads in the square holes
The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them,
disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them.
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward. And some may see them as crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
Jack Kerouac
I love that quote... feels very applicable. I know where Jak is coming from I remember the young women lessons and such... but I've see the destruction of so many marriages temple or not...
I know this sounds bad, but I had wanted a temple marriage as long as I could remember, and my ex promised he'd take me there someday. I'm so glad that never happened....I'm still dealing with my parents and their trying to finish their temple divorce 20 years after their divorce....
I'm so much happier where I am, whether we make it to the temple ever or not. I have someone that believes in virtue and God and has faith and is proud but not prideful... and I believe if we're good and faithful people, that we do the things we believe to be right in the eyes of God, that whatever may be left undone when we die, will be done after or during the 2nd coming. I have my weaknesses and my fears but I don't believe that makes me any less or my marriage any less than some prideful boastful people who were married in the temple.... I feel like we are on a quest, that we're not following blindly but discovering for ourselves where we need to be and what we need to listen too. Steve and I both have noticed that when we have spiritual conversations, and talk about eternal progression and being together with our kids in the hearafter, that within days we are filled with discontent or start random arguments. We feel that something or someone is trying to detour us from our path... just stay true to what you believe and what you know and what you love and the rest will work itself out.... it's all faith...
I wish Steve would make some comments he is very knowledgeable about these feelings and the teachings etc... it's nice to have additional perspectives....
Thank you both for your words. I knew you'd understand! I hope I didn't sound too negative about this stuff. It was just a lot of emotion and I was trying to think about something that I still haven't figured out how to say...
If I can share my thoughts and beliefs with you I will.
I have had an opportunity to know the Lord from a diffrent persective through Catholisism then I did before. I'm not taking one from the other I just believe that God is a complex and and amazing person. I think he is very deep and to far above us to fully understand from one point of view.
I needed that in my journey, I needed to love him and know he loves me. I do not fear him, I fear his wrath but know his love and long to be with him or at least under his care.
"For I know the plans I have for you"
This is true and sometimes difficult for us. I have seen it in my life and in no way do I doubt Gods love and wisdom. I don't always understand, nor do I have too. I go on faith.
For faith is hope and hope is faith, and I have alot of hope,I need it.
God loves you, you are an angel sent here, his daughter and one of his more valiant. Never think different, always remember that. God has many things he wants for you and God knows of your needs and desires before you do. God will and I believe does have a plan for you to have all those things you desire that are rightgeous. You will have them, in his time, and he is not restricted to our clock.
Remember there is a Millenium.
Be patient have faith and love the Lord, all things will come to you.
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