Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Ground

There's a little wood cabin looking house I used to drive by almost everyday. It has big windows in front and a porch just big enough for a swing. In my mind, I can see fires burning in winter and Christmas trees and coziness. I can also see bright open airy summers. Once in a while, I see a house that just speaks to me.

I haven't thought much about this house for a while, but recently it's crept back into my thoughts. Jeff has brought up thoughts about us getting a house and I've been the one to think we probably can't afford it, our credit's not real great right now, and besides, I'm not sure I'm done living in our cute little apartment. But of course, I'm the one who keeps thinking and dreaming about it even after we decide to stay at our apartment for another year or so.

This house is not TOO little and it sits on a manufactured house lot- yes, that's a fancy way of saying the place where they sale the trailer park houses. My brother had one of those for a while and from what they said, it doesn't sound like the smartest idea. But, my aunt also has one, out on her land in Elko, away from any big cities, and I didn't even know that's what it was until recently.

I always kinda liked the "trailer park" feel. I liked going over to my brother's to swim with his kids. My friend's family lived in one for a while and so did her aunt who had a huge little house. We were old enough to be out of high school but we still would walk over to the playground and swing and talk after dark. There's a simple feeling there.

There's a trailer park I used to pass on my way to and from work. It looks pretty from the road, with flowers planted around the signs at the entrance. There's a church across the street. And I think I might have seen a school nearby? And of course, I imagine there's the possibility we could someday take our not so little little house and go buy some land away from the city, even if we did the trailer park thing for now.

Sometimes when I think about things in reality, like buying a house, I tend to look at what could happen. This is looking for possibilities but sometimes it's more like I just don't expect anything better. I don't ask what it is I really want. I've been trying to think of what I really want lately.

But, thinking of this little house, I feel happy and calm and excited. Maybe we could really do it?

Part of it is when I think about having kids and I pray about having a baby, I kinda get a feeling like maybe we should get a house first- while we both still have good jobs that we've been at for a while etc. Not waiting until we have a kid or two, even less money and I'm living on welfare because I quit my job to stay home with the babies.
My husband is a very smart guy. I think he could do anything he wanted career wise. The problem is, there's not much he wants to do. No, I don't really think it's a problem. He believes in good hard work and in doing something you feel good about. He really likes the work he's doing now and even though it doesn't make lots of money, I want to support him in that. I think it's a rare and very good thing to not be caught up in money and careers etc.
So, the problem is not him, it's the money and the fact that I want to stay home with my babies and so we're choosing to be poor for the rest of our lives.
That's part of the appeal of this little house. (It really is bigger than you probably think when I say "trailer park" and it's VERY pretty on the outside). It seems to fit in with our life, our philosophy, and just our possibilities. But is it smart? Is it practical?
How do you know?
Sometimes I don't want to tell people my little hopes and dreams because their cynicism and criticism destroys things so fast. Other times I feel like I could say I was going to go drive off a cliff and people, being supportive, would simply watch me go. Perhaps I'm the one that's too critical and hard hearted to listen to them?

I keep wanting to talk and share my thoughts, get some advice, just be excited about something (which I don't even allow myself to do). And this is just the thought I have to explain it, I don't know if it will make sense. Basically it comes to a feeling that I'll waste my college education. And not even that I'll feel that way- because I know what matters and will make me happy- but because other people (like the guy who paid for my schooling) will think that way. I look at Ben and Mel who I know are struggling so I don't mean to discount you in anyway, but I think are living this somewhat idealistic life (in mymind). And I think, yeah, but they are struggling for a reason, a purpose, and, probably more importantly to the judging voices in myhead, it will only last for so long. Then Ben will be this amazing professor with plenty of money and they'll take their eleven kids and go live in some beautiful college town in a big homey house. I on the other hand, have a husband who thinks he'll work grave yards at Ultradent for the rest of our lives.

Then it sounds like I'm cricizing him, which I'm not, I already explained that. And that's the real comparison I wanted to make. In college, I met guys who were pre-med, pre-dental, engineering majors. We're talking they will probably make the big bucks someday. Crazy smart guys who were also kind, fun etc. But none of them were the one I'm sharing my life with.
Jeff makes me happy in so many ways. Things I didn't even know I needed, or knew I needed but had no idea what would meet that need, I have in him. Sometimes I think about what if I would have married the doctor or whatever and I think... I can feel something missing (obviously it's my Jeffrey but you know what I mean). It just doesnt' feel like the life I would have wanted.
I love my husband who doesn't worry about bills and plays games all weekend and is happy at a job where he feels like he serves a purpose. I love our simple life and the way we look at things and the way we choose to live. I AM WHERE I BELONG. I believe God gave me this.

So, I want my simple life. I want a small house with flowers in the yard and a mom at home. I feel myself wanting the trailer park. (Don't worry, I won't go anywhere slummy. I've actually been surprised at some of the nicer places I've noticed since I've been thinking about this). I don't even want the big doctor's house in the uppity neighborhood.

But, am I missing something in this thinking? Don't let me drive off a cliff, but don't pop my hot air balloon either (do I ask too much?).