When I physically get up high, logically I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to suddenly lunge over the railing and fall the one or two stories to my painful death in the mall (or something similar). It's not really a brain reaction. It's not something going on in my mind. But physically, I FEEL myself falling. I FEEL dizzy and weak in the knees. My mind can set up barriers to protect me- a pattern on the floor, a bench between me and the ledge- as long as I don't cross these, I'll be safe.
I'm a high stress, anxiety ridden person. Sometimes, I think it's not in my mind. I FEEL myself failing. I FEEL dizzy and weak. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't set up protective barriers quite so easily for this. I don't know that I'm not going to fall to my death. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I will. There are no benches or patterns to protect me. Sure, I try some things- a good attitude, exercise, breathing... but it goes too far and doesn't help. I avoid people. I don't let them close to me. I apologize profusely. I'm mean to myself as if recognizing my own flaws first will prevent anyone else from seeing them or being too mean about them.
Because it seems like it's all in my head, it seems like I should be able to control it. But recognizing that it's more physical than mental, emotional, or spiritual, somehow helps.
2 comments:
I can really relate to this, I'm extrememly anxious and nervous and seem to take responsibility for everything around me. When the kids act up, I apologize and clean up and apologize again, even in my own home. I have a hard time letting the kids be kids because it makes me nervous how other people will handle them. I worry that they're overwhelming or that they talk to much. I know they bother Steve and don't allow him the privacy he wants and that makes me nuts. I can't handle the anxiety much more... I guess if our relationship was more established I wouldn't worry as much, but it's not just him its everyone.... I keep hoping they'll mature and act accordingly but they don't. I compare them to other kids and I shouldn't, not with what they've been through. People keep telling me to let go of my guilt and I'll feel better, that I need to relax, and I don't know how. I want to talk things out, resolve them, I don't want to sit around being patient waiting for other people to decide what's going to happen with my life.... I have so many many flaws and I think I use them as an excuse for people not to love me and why they shouldn't and don't trust the ones that do because of it.... it's a crazy world and nothing is logical. My heart rarely matches my head and that's the toughest to get through.
I hope its the season, I hope we can all pull out of this funk, it seems to be really rampant this year. It scares me that it won't go away and I'll be sitting here waiting forever for things to get better and they never will.
Things will get better. Both of you are so brave and true to your own integrity. You'll be alright. There are people praying for you and angels to rush to your safety. They really are there, learn to rely on them. Perhaps you wouldn't be having such trials if you weren't so strong. Father in Heaven loves you for your goodness and for helping the others. You'll be alright.
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