Change Revisited

The funny thing is, once I felt okay NOT changing, I was freed to know what and how I wanted to change.

Yesterday was the second Monday in a row that didn't kill me. In fact, the lack of killing felt so good, I actually left work feeling good! How strange is that?
Last Friday I had gone to the drug store with my mom and Kiki. I was desparately wanting some new make-up, not just wanting a new look, but needing new products if I'm going to use them (I was running out of stuff!). This should have been a fun thing, but I walked up and down the make-up isle completely uninspired. In fact, I felt a little bit angry. Khrys asked if I couldn't just relax and have fun with it and then the answers would come.
Well, no. I couldn't. It's not just make-up and playing dress up for me. It's like a whole philosophy. Perhaps that sounds silly to some, but as many a blog has shown, there is a lot behind it- covering yourself, expressing yourself, the ins and outs and why's and other people's opinions. As I said in my last blog, there's a reason my hair is what it is right now. Same with make-up... almost. There is something I'm trying to say about myself. Something I'm trying to own in a way. That something is ME!
So anyway, once I had decided not to change my hair and to not give up on my make-up philosophy, it all fell into place. I stopped at the drug store on the way home to get some clippers for Jeff's hair. Conveniently, they were located in the make-up isle and I took a stroll looking for a particular nail polish shade. Lo and behold, I found the perfect eye shadow! It's a cheap brand that I bought when I was in junior high school, so I was a bit skeptical, but I wore it today and it was perfect. Saturday, I just happened upon a picture and decided, this is what I want for my hair right now, so after Walgreen's I went to get my hair done. Lo and behold, the girl didn't try to change me or confuse me, she just said, so you just want this? And we'll do that? Well, yes! That's all I've wanted done with it for a year! It was the best hair cut ever... because it didn't change much. It's just better. Today my hair pretty much looks the same, but it's softer, smoother, and easier to control. Wow.

All this change is not so superficial as it sounds. I spent about two hours on Sunday writing in my journal trying to clear my head of some family junk (no offense). I think Mumsy's blog says it all quite well about opression. I'm tired of living under this... what word did she use? goop? It's a sadness, a dark kind of thing. And I'm tired of it! I've spent a long time trying to figure it out. Trying to "change" it or myself or "overcome" it.
I got rid of a lot on Sunday. I'm not going to let the way other people are have an effect on me, especially when I start noticing it affecting my marriage and the person who matters more than just about anyone else. But the thing is, by stopping the resistance, stopping this need to change it, I've actually freed myself to act, be, do whatever it is I've been trying to get a hold of for... ever!
So in a way, I've let go of a lot of people, feelings, expectations etc. Not so easy as just letting go of a helium balloon. More like letting go of a ton of bricks you've been carrying uphill your whole life and your arms shake and hurt from the absence of pressure, but at least now they can rest and heal and start working for what you need them for. I don't mean to sound mean and heartless. Anyone who reads this can probably be pretty sure they are among those I love and cherish and care about and want in my life. But as for anyone else? Bah humbug. I'm just done. Done putting up with the crappy way you treat people- and oh that puts it simply.

I have learned that it's okay to hurt. That it's okay to be miserable and doubt yourself and apologize when someone else does you wrong! What the heck is that? All for your selfish selfish stupidity and meanness. And now, the man in my life, who is just as offended by the things you do as I am, is the one to be affected because I can't let myself get close to him because I'm afraid of you??? What kind of crap is that!!!

For probably only the second time in my life, I tried to stand up to my dad the other day. I don't know if it was even strong enough for anyone else to notice. But I noticed. I felt it. And what a huge step that is for me!
I found my make-up and got my hair done. Superficial to some, but very important in just letting myself be.