Change is Gonna Do Me Good?

Last Monday and Tuesday I was so stressed at work I was shaking. I thought I just can't do this anymore; even just physically I can't keep putting myself through this. I was also able to at least question my reaction. What really was stressing me? What was I afraid of? What did I think would happen if I didn't get stuff done?
By Thursday and Friday things had calmed down so much. I at least thought that there are things I can learn here. I even thought this is a good job, there are even things I like when I can just get in and get them done.
Yesterday was the most calm Monday I've had in months. We didn't get nearly as many orders (less than 300 compared to around 500). I didn't have to help answer phones. There was no snow. Things just went really smoothly. Again I thought I have things to learn here and maybe I can just hang on.

It's so easy to resist change. So easy to think you could if just the smallest thing was different, but since it's not, you'll just keep going. It's so easy to think one day, some day, when this or that... then I'll do what I really want to do.

BennyK and I have had conversations about seeing your life like the beginning of a t.v. sitcom. The music plays and you get snapshots of whatever the character is doing. Going to school is fun when you see one picture of a social scene, studying, etc. You don't see all the homework, the stress, the drama. It's fun to think when you're a kid that when you grow up you'll be class president or head cheerleader. But really, when you get there, is it even you? Do you want to do all that it takes to be that? And it's not always a lack of motivation, it can truly be a realization that this is not something I want no matter how much I think it is.

I read a book once that said what we often label as laziness is really just a lack of motivation and just not wanting to. The trick is finding what motivates you and what you really want.

Today I was thinking that I'd just skip lunch, eat a bit at my desk and not really take the break. I also thought that this is not good for me and I need to eat healthier. Immediately and almsot without even recognizing them, thoughts popped up like, well, yeah when I have a different job or things change or ... I wasn't even sure what excuses were there. I actually stopped myself and said, but this IS the job I have and what about today and tomorrow and the next day? I'm not talking about months or years down the line or even next week.
So many things in life get put off for the same excuses.

The hard question then becomes, what is the ideal life I want to be living and how do I get as close to that as possible right now, today, in my given situation?

And I guess my point in this blog is that I've recently found myself deciding to NOT change so much and it feels like I can breathe again.
I've been wanting to do something with my hair since my honeymoon almost a year ago. I've been trying to visualize it for a year! I need something more polished at the office, I want to look more stylish and prettier, blah blah blah. A few times I've even decided I was going to change it and when it doesn't happen for whatever reason, I'm glad. Within a few days I think, but there are reasons my hair is the way it is whether it looks it's best or not. In other words, this is how I want it right now. No change needed.
When I got my job, it was a good little job to get me back on track financially and be low stress while I got married and took some big next steps. Things have grown and changed with it a lot in the year and a half I've been here. Once I felt somewhat settled into marriage, I started wondering what's next? What did I go to college for? What am I doing with my life and career? What do I want to be doing five years from now? Well, just for today, I feel like but this IS my job. I'm here and I don't need to change- for a while anyway. Learn what I can here and when I have a baby or something like that, then I'll decide what's next. In other words, no change needed. (Wanted is not something I'm willing to commit to at the moment).
I was thinking about food and diet as I mentioned. Mom came onto messenger and we chatted for a bit about that kind of stuff. We need to change. I need to budget and eat healthier and learn to cook. There is a lot of want in that. But still, somehow in the middle of our conversation, I started looking at what I was doing right and working from that rather than throwing it all out the window and thinking I don't know anything. Hm. No (or little) change needed.