The funny thing is, once I felt okay NOT changing, I was freed to know what and how I wanted to change.
Yesterday was the second Monday in a row that didn't kill me. In fact, the lack of killing felt so good, I actually left work feeling good! How strange is that?
Last Friday I had gone to the drug store with my mom and Kiki. I was desparately wanting some new make-up, not just wanting a new look, but needing new products if I'm going to use them (I was running out of stuff!). This should have been a fun thing, but I walked up and down the make-up isle completely uninspired. In fact, I felt a little bit angry. Khrys asked if I couldn't just relax and have fun with it and then the answers would come.
Well, no. I couldn't. It's not just make-up and playing dress up for me. It's like a whole philosophy. Perhaps that sounds silly to some, but as many a blog has shown, there is a lot behind it- covering yourself, expressing yourself, the ins and outs and why's and other people's opinions. As I said in my last blog, there's a reason my hair is what it is right now. Same with make-up... almost. There is something I'm trying to say about myself. Something I'm trying to own in a way. That something is ME!
So anyway, once I had decided not to change my hair and to not give up on my make-up philosophy, it all fell into place. I stopped at the drug store on the way home to get some clippers for Jeff's hair. Conveniently, they were located in the make-up isle and I took a stroll looking for a particular nail polish shade. Lo and behold, I found the perfect eye shadow! It's a cheap brand that I bought when I was in junior high school, so I was a bit skeptical, but I wore it today and it was perfect. Saturday, I just happened upon a picture and decided, this is what I want for my hair right now, so after Walgreen's I went to get my hair done. Lo and behold, the girl didn't try to change me or confuse me, she just said, so you just want this? And we'll do that? Well, yes! That's all I've wanted done with it for a year! It was the best hair cut ever... because it didn't change much. It's just better. Today my hair pretty much looks the same, but it's softer, smoother, and easier to control. Wow.
All this change is not so superficial as it sounds. I spent about two hours on Sunday writing in my journal trying to clear my head of some family junk (no offense). I think Mumsy's blog says it all quite well about opression. I'm tired of living under this... what word did she use? goop? It's a sadness, a dark kind of thing. And I'm tired of it! I've spent a long time trying to figure it out. Trying to "change" it or myself or "overcome" it.
I got rid of a lot on Sunday. I'm not going to let the way other people are have an effect on me, especially when I start noticing it affecting my marriage and the person who matters more than just about anyone else. But the thing is, by stopping the resistance, stopping this need to change it, I've actually freed myself to act, be, do whatever it is I've been trying to get a hold of for... ever!
So in a way, I've let go of a lot of people, feelings, expectations etc. Not so easy as just letting go of a helium balloon. More like letting go of a ton of bricks you've been carrying uphill your whole life and your arms shake and hurt from the absence of pressure, but at least now they can rest and heal and start working for what you need them for. I don't mean to sound mean and heartless. Anyone who reads this can probably be pretty sure they are among those I love and cherish and care about and want in my life. But as for anyone else? Bah humbug. I'm just done. Done putting up with the crappy way you treat people- and oh that puts it simply.
I have learned that it's okay to hurt. That it's okay to be miserable and doubt yourself and apologize when someone else does you wrong! What the heck is that? All for your selfish selfish stupidity and meanness. And now, the man in my life, who is just as offended by the things you do as I am, is the one to be affected because I can't let myself get close to him because I'm afraid of you??? What kind of crap is that!!!
For probably only the second time in my life, I tried to stand up to my dad the other day. I don't know if it was even strong enough for anyone else to notice. But I noticed. I felt it. And what a huge step that is for me!
I found my make-up and got my hair done. Superficial to some, but very important in just letting myself be.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Change is Gonna Do Me Good?
Last Monday and Tuesday I was so stressed at work I was shaking. I thought I just can't do this anymore; even just physically I can't keep putting myself through this. I was also able to at least question my reaction. What really was stressing me? What was I afraid of? What did I think would happen if I didn't get stuff done?
By Thursday and Friday things had calmed down so much. I at least thought that there are things I can learn here. I even thought this is a good job, there are even things I like when I can just get in and get them done.
Yesterday was the most calm Monday I've had in months. We didn't get nearly as many orders (less than 300 compared to around 500). I didn't have to help answer phones. There was no snow. Things just went really smoothly. Again I thought I have things to learn here and maybe I can just hang on.
It's so easy to resist change. So easy to think you could if just the smallest thing was different, but since it's not, you'll just keep going. It's so easy to think one day, some day, when this or that... then I'll do what I really want to do.
BennyK and I have had conversations about seeing your life like the beginning of a t.v. sitcom. The music plays and you get snapshots of whatever the character is doing. Going to school is fun when you see one picture of a social scene, studying, etc. You don't see all the homework, the stress, the drama. It's fun to think when you're a kid that when you grow up you'll be class president or head cheerleader. But really, when you get there, is it even you? Do you want to do all that it takes to be that? And it's not always a lack of motivation, it can truly be a realization that this is not something I want no matter how much I think it is.
I read a book once that said what we often label as laziness is really just a lack of motivation and just not wanting to. The trick is finding what motivates you and what you really want.
Today I was thinking that I'd just skip lunch, eat a bit at my desk and not really take the break. I also thought that this is not good for me and I need to eat healthier. Immediately and almsot without even recognizing them, thoughts popped up like, well, yeah when I have a different job or things change or ... I wasn't even sure what excuses were there. I actually stopped myself and said, but this IS the job I have and what about today and tomorrow and the next day? I'm not talking about months or years down the line or even next week.
So many things in life get put off for the same excuses.
The hard question then becomes, what is the ideal life I want to be living and how do I get as close to that as possible right now, today, in my given situation?
And I guess my point in this blog is that I've recently found myself deciding to NOT change so much and it feels like I can breathe again.
I've been wanting to do something with my hair since my honeymoon almost a year ago. I've been trying to visualize it for a year! I need something more polished at the office, I want to look more stylish and prettier, blah blah blah. A few times I've even decided I was going to change it and when it doesn't happen for whatever reason, I'm glad. Within a few days I think, but there are reasons my hair is the way it is whether it looks it's best or not. In other words, this is how I want it right now. No change needed.
When I got my job, it was a good little job to get me back on track financially and be low stress while I got married and took some big next steps. Things have grown and changed with it a lot in the year and a half I've been here. Once I felt somewhat settled into marriage, I started wondering what's next? What did I go to college for? What am I doing with my life and career? What do I want to be doing five years from now? Well, just for today, I feel like but this IS my job. I'm here and I don't need to change- for a while anyway. Learn what I can here and when I have a baby or something like that, then I'll decide what's next. In other words, no change needed. (Wanted is not something I'm willing to commit to at the moment).
I was thinking about food and diet as I mentioned. Mom came onto messenger and we chatted for a bit about that kind of stuff. We need to change. I need to budget and eat healthier and learn to cook. There is a lot of want in that. But still, somehow in the middle of our conversation, I started looking at what I was doing right and working from that rather than throwing it all out the window and thinking I don't know anything. Hm. No (or little) change needed.
By Thursday and Friday things had calmed down so much. I at least thought that there are things I can learn here. I even thought this is a good job, there are even things I like when I can just get in and get them done.
Yesterday was the most calm Monday I've had in months. We didn't get nearly as many orders (less than 300 compared to around 500). I didn't have to help answer phones. There was no snow. Things just went really smoothly. Again I thought I have things to learn here and maybe I can just hang on.
It's so easy to resist change. So easy to think you could if just the smallest thing was different, but since it's not, you'll just keep going. It's so easy to think one day, some day, when this or that... then I'll do what I really want to do.
BennyK and I have had conversations about seeing your life like the beginning of a t.v. sitcom. The music plays and you get snapshots of whatever the character is doing. Going to school is fun when you see one picture of a social scene, studying, etc. You don't see all the homework, the stress, the drama. It's fun to think when you're a kid that when you grow up you'll be class president or head cheerleader. But really, when you get there, is it even you? Do you want to do all that it takes to be that? And it's not always a lack of motivation, it can truly be a realization that this is not something I want no matter how much I think it is.
I read a book once that said what we often label as laziness is really just a lack of motivation and just not wanting to. The trick is finding what motivates you and what you really want.
Today I was thinking that I'd just skip lunch, eat a bit at my desk and not really take the break. I also thought that this is not good for me and I need to eat healthier. Immediately and almsot without even recognizing them, thoughts popped up like, well, yeah when I have a different job or things change or ... I wasn't even sure what excuses were there. I actually stopped myself and said, but this IS the job I have and what about today and tomorrow and the next day? I'm not talking about months or years down the line or even next week.
So many things in life get put off for the same excuses.
The hard question then becomes, what is the ideal life I want to be living and how do I get as close to that as possible right now, today, in my given situation?
And I guess my point in this blog is that I've recently found myself deciding to NOT change so much and it feels like I can breathe again.
I've been wanting to do something with my hair since my honeymoon almost a year ago. I've been trying to visualize it for a year! I need something more polished at the office, I want to look more stylish and prettier, blah blah blah. A few times I've even decided I was going to change it and when it doesn't happen for whatever reason, I'm glad. Within a few days I think, but there are reasons my hair is the way it is whether it looks it's best or not. In other words, this is how I want it right now. No change needed.
When I got my job, it was a good little job to get me back on track financially and be low stress while I got married and took some big next steps. Things have grown and changed with it a lot in the year and a half I've been here. Once I felt somewhat settled into marriage, I started wondering what's next? What did I go to college for? What am I doing with my life and career? What do I want to be doing five years from now? Well, just for today, I feel like but this IS my job. I'm here and I don't need to change- for a while anyway. Learn what I can here and when I have a baby or something like that, then I'll decide what's next. In other words, no change needed. (Wanted is not something I'm willing to commit to at the moment).
I was thinking about food and diet as I mentioned. Mom came onto messenger and we chatted for a bit about that kind of stuff. We need to change. I need to budget and eat healthier and learn to cook. There is a lot of want in that. But still, somehow in the middle of our conversation, I started looking at what I was doing right and working from that rather than throwing it all out the window and thinking I don't know anything. Hm. No (or little) change needed.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Dust in the Wind
Jeff has a favorite t.v. show on DVD we've been watching. It's a good story, but mostly I like the characters and how they interact. The leading lady is an artist and they own an antique store. She is refined and pretty and in a few episodes someone says something about her expensive clothes (which I point out to say that she dresses stylishly, but also modestly and conservatively). She is polite and polished but in no way arrogant or cold. She is sweet and smiles a lot and very warm. I would guess she's in her late thirties, maybe even into her forties.
Monday, I was thinking of this character all day and decided to make her a hero/role model. There aren't many of those out there (although I love the show Friends and find the characters charming, there is something lacking there- a lot of loose morals and such. What else do we have? ... I never watch Sex and the City or Desparate Housewives, but in magazines and such, those characters seem be touted as something wonderful).
When I got home from work Monday, I had a fashion magazine in the mail. My sister somehow got a free subscription and gave it to me. It's a lot of fun. I realized one day that when I go to the store in need of new face cleanser or make-up, I don't know what to look for because I don't read magazines much anymore! And, I am a girl and I do enjoy pretty shoes and such. Sadly, as I looked through the magazine, this lack of role models seemed so LOUD (that's a good word for it right?). I have been surprised lately how young models look in catalogs and magazines. I must be getting old, but I really don't think my reaction is one of feeling old and unattractive. I'm just shocked that as a society, we really do sexualize youth and we tell ourselves this is what a man wants and, therefore, what a woman wants to be. I think one thing I like about the character in the show is that she is a woman. She is a grown up. She's not sleeping around, dressing funky and experiencing an identity crises or having to assert herself. She simply IS and that is such an attractive thing!
Well, Monday night we watched another episode of the show. And guess what!? SHE DIED! I suppose I can see the need for it to happen for the story etc. But, I was so sad I couldn't stand it. I was sad because I was caught up in the story and the characters and I cried (I SO rarely cry at movies and t.v. shows). It was really emotional. But I was also so sad because I felt like "see, there is no room for that in the world." My hero died because society doesn't want people like that. Where does that leave me?
(P.S. This is not as hopeless as I'm leaving it. It's more of a "fine world. Just wait! I am so wonderful, it will take your breath away and I'm going to show that... or, you may not even notice because you are too dumb, but I'll know.)
Monday, I was thinking of this character all day and decided to make her a hero/role model. There aren't many of those out there (although I love the show Friends and find the characters charming, there is something lacking there- a lot of loose morals and such. What else do we have? ... I never watch Sex and the City or Desparate Housewives, but in magazines and such, those characters seem be touted as something wonderful).
When I got home from work Monday, I had a fashion magazine in the mail. My sister somehow got a free subscription and gave it to me. It's a lot of fun. I realized one day that when I go to the store in need of new face cleanser or make-up, I don't know what to look for because I don't read magazines much anymore! And, I am a girl and I do enjoy pretty shoes and such. Sadly, as I looked through the magazine, this lack of role models seemed so LOUD (that's a good word for it right?). I have been surprised lately how young models look in catalogs and magazines. I must be getting old, but I really don't think my reaction is one of feeling old and unattractive. I'm just shocked that as a society, we really do sexualize youth and we tell ourselves this is what a man wants and, therefore, what a woman wants to be. I think one thing I like about the character in the show is that she is a woman. She is a grown up. She's not sleeping around, dressing funky and experiencing an identity crises or having to assert herself. She simply IS and that is such an attractive thing!
Well, Monday night we watched another episode of the show. And guess what!? SHE DIED! I suppose I can see the need for it to happen for the story etc. But, I was so sad I couldn't stand it. I was sad because I was caught up in the story and the characters and I cried (I SO rarely cry at movies and t.v. shows). It was really emotional. But I was also so sad because I felt like "see, there is no room for that in the world." My hero died because society doesn't want people like that. Where does that leave me?
(P.S. This is not as hopeless as I'm leaving it. It's more of a "fine world. Just wait! I am so wonderful, it will take your breath away and I'm going to show that... or, you may not even notice because you are too dumb, but I'll know.)
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