Life's Lessons

I've read a few philosophies (not philosophy like Ben knows philosophy but like ways of thinking about life) that basically say you bring into your life what you need to learn. Sometimes I find this to be true. Sometimes I am very awed by the lessons life gives to me.

Jeff and I went to one of those check cashing places to have our taxes done. He got a lot of money back last year, I hardly got any. The girl there told us that we OWE taxes this year. I was flabbergasted. I asked her why- perhaps she knows something about how we file, claim, whatever you do with taxes that we don't, especially now that we're married. She said that they took the right amount out all year, it's just (get ready, I feel like I need a drum roll before saying this) we made too much money! and now have to pay more. What?!?! (Side note: we both had the feeling the girl was good at faking knowing what she was talking about and may not really know more than what computer buttons to push. We plan to get a second opinion to make sure it's all accurate, but figure we probably will have to pay).

I was rather upset when we left. Jeff, bless him, never gets too bothered about anything. He was disappointed, I could tell, but oh well, what're you gonna do? I, on the other hand, wanted to cry. It seems so unfair that we are honest, hard working people and it feels like we are being punished. I've always thought that welfare and assistance are good things. It's what the scriptures say- help those that need it. But, let's just say I've known a couple people that seem to take it all for granted. And I found myself leaving this place just so mad at them. Fine, I said, I'll quit my job and live on welfare and then we can qualify for the earned income credit and I'll get food stamps and who cares?
I've spent the last year trying so hard to pay down our debts so that when we want to have a baby, I can be home and we can have some financial stability. Blah blah blah.

I'm not just writing this so I can rant and feel sorry for myself. My real point is, I've never thought of myself as a material girl. In fact, I'm one of the least worldly people I know. But what I realized that day was that I really do focus on money. It's not just about being greedy and worldly; I might be at a different end of the spectrum, but my view of money is still a focus. I think it's for survival. People used to have to work on their farm and hope to have food etc to get them through. Now, we work for money. It's different, but the same. But, I was surprised to realize that for as humble and simple as I think of myself, I'm still caught up in the pursuit of money.
This actually is a good realization. It was freeing. I have been trying to pay down debt, only to feel like it's been replaced (or added to?) by other things. Maybe this will always be the case. Yesterday evening, I took the dog out and the sky was bright spring blue and I could see the mountains, still covered in snow and there were clouds in the sky. It was so beautiful. And I thought, no matter what happens financially, this will still be there. So I started thinking of other things that will still be there. Jeff will still love me. The grass will still grow. I will still be able to go out and take a walk. And suddenly, life wasn't about money anymore.

It seems to me that a lot of times life has tried to show me that the logical, right, responsible thing isn't always the right answer. I think sometimes that life/God/whatever you want to call it, is trying to break through my shell- this wall I've built up thinking I'm protecting myself- and free me to be more... loving, happy, creative. All these things I'm afraid of. And isn't that a wonderful lesson or gift to be given!?