Confirmation of Change

The funny thing is, when I freed myself to feel anger and admit I'm mad or sad or hurt, I could let go of it and be happy. Instead of fighting it, I acknowledge it and give it a name or somewhat of a voice. And then, I don't have to carry it around and wonder what to do with it and what it is and if it's bigger than I am or smaller than I'm making it. It's just there, deal with it, then it's over. No change needed.

Me, me, me

Perhaps, I like feeling sorry for myself. A couple times, when I've been "freaked out" about something, my husband, bless him, will tell me I need to change how I think about things. This isn't as mean as it sounds. It's probably true. The other day I almost heard myself tell me why I feel the way I feel. Dr. Phil says we get a payoff for our behavior, so what are you getting from behaving the way you are? Perhaps I want attention. Perhaps I like to hurt. Maybe if I'm hurting first, it won't hurt when you hurt me.

I don't know.

This morning I was not in a happy place. It was really hard to leave the house and drive to work. I prayed really hard that I wouldn't feel the way I was. A part of me felt like I couldn't pray for that, as if I must like feeling that way or I should be able to think better thoughts or something so I couldn't ask to not. But, I prayed anyway. For some reason in my head I started to explain to someone what I did at my teaching job and how it worked and what happened to it. This reminded me of my "successes" and also of being in college and what I did and who I associated with. I felt a million times better and much more confident. Hmm...

Sometimes lately I really feel like nobody cares. I go to see my family or call someone on the phone and there are so many million other people and things going on that it feels like no one even asks how I am. Or, I can be in the middle of saying something and I just get talked over. Lately I also feel like I'm having a hard time opening up to Jeff. I don't understand that. I feel very strongly like I don't want to bother him talking about work and all my thoughts about what goes on here. I don't want to upset his world by insising I need anything in mine. And, it's not him, it's me. I need to change how I think or something, but... it's just not that easy.

I think I need something I'm not getting. But even if I could figure out what it is, I don't think I'd know how to ask for it. Sometimes I'm so stuck inside myself. Even if it is just me and needing to change how I think, isn't it okay to say but I need this from you? I need help? Like a little kid who's crying or supposed to get a chore done who needs to just get over it and get it done. Okay, fine, he needs the strict discipline etc. But maybe, MAYBE, he just needs someone to kiss it better or show him how or make him not feel so alone in it. Is that so bad???
I'm thinking of a little boy at the day care I worked at that was the sweetest little guy. He really liked me. He was only five or six and had two little brothers. His mom would bring them in and she'd be stressed, of course, and he'd have to be the "big" one and help her and he just wanted to cry and go home just like the little ones. He actually got in trouble by the director one time for "hanging" on me. He just wanted to be held and hugged. (But, did the eleven year old who threw a block at my head ever get in trouble? Heck no!) Maybe the little boy just needed someone to help him, even if some people thought he was a "cry baby" and needed to not be so spoiled. What a load of crap I say.

Anyway... maybe sometimes we just have needs and as silly or not self sufficient as they seem, maybe it's okay to need it. And maybe it's even okay to expect or ask it of those who claim to love us. Maybe if we all helped each other out in those moments, we wouldn't have to have so many of them. Maybe we'd be better off.

Tuesday

You'd think that five days off (I took 3 work days and a weekend off for my anniversary and a vacation) would give me enough rest to be ready to come back. But, yesterday, thinking of coming back to work, I was filled with dread and discouragement. I think that's a bad sign. I know a lot of it is just my anxieties- coming back to the unknown and feeling like I haven't been doing my part etc. Today was actually a lot better than I expected. My job isn't bad. There are things I even kind of like about it. But, I guess having time to myself reminds me of where my heart is... and it's not here...

Great Expectations

I have always felt strongly that it's important to accept people the way they are. I think this is especially important in a marriage relationship. They say if you love a guy thinking you'll change him (I guess a lot of women do this?), you'll just be disappointed, to say the least. I had a friend once tell me, completely seriously, that the first thing you have to do when you "get a guy" is break his ego. This was so important to her. She'd married a boyfriend who cheated and, guess what?, divorced a husband that cheated. Sad and not her fault, etc, but she felt that if you could destroy the guy's ego, he'd be humble enough to stay where he belonged. This is an extreme example, but why would you want to be with someone that's a destroyed person? How can you love someone and totally change who they are?


I think this has been a very good thing in mine and Jeff's relationship. I think we treat each other with a lot of respect and appreciation for just being who you are. This frees us to love each other... it becomes unconditional when you love them without seeing something you want to change.


But, of course, there is a flip side. I've been thinking lately that I take this too far. I don't expect anything of him. I don't and won't ask for anything, no matter how much I need or want it. I think I'm afraid that if I ask or expect anything from him, he'll resent me, he'll feel pressured and stuck and want to leave.

Expectations are important though. I think you have to have expectations of your children. They need boundaries and rules. I feel like I've done better with things, at least sometimes, when I expect things of myself that I don't really know if I can live up to- like taking hard math classes. I just worry that I don't ask anything of those around me. I think I do it out of love, but sometimes I worry it's a lack of self respect in some way. Even the dog, I don't make her do things, like get off the bed because I'm crowded, because I don't want to make HER uncomfortable. She's the dog. Sleeping on the floor is okay. But what if I can't make my kids eat their vegies or go to school because I'm afraid I'll make them feel bad or it will hurt them (in the moment- I realize in the long run, that's not even a good question).

And what about my husband? Growing up, there were certain things I thought the dad and husband should do. This is not necessarily because of what I saw my dad do. Things I thought and felt and decided, on my own. But now, here he is, and I'm afraid of even thinking I need something from him. The thing is, sometimes I think he wants or needs the expectations.

My mind is completely scattered and I've been trying to write this for two days. I'm sure it doesn't make any sense, but maybe you can get the feel of it. I suppose it just comes down to wondering how much is okay to ask or expect of someone?

Life's Lessons

I've read a few philosophies (not philosophy like Ben knows philosophy but like ways of thinking about life) that basically say you bring into your life what you need to learn. Sometimes I find this to be true. Sometimes I am very awed by the lessons life gives to me.

Jeff and I went to one of those check cashing places to have our taxes done. He got a lot of money back last year, I hardly got any. The girl there told us that we OWE taxes this year. I was flabbergasted. I asked her why- perhaps she knows something about how we file, claim, whatever you do with taxes that we don't, especially now that we're married. She said that they took the right amount out all year, it's just (get ready, I feel like I need a drum roll before saying this) we made too much money! and now have to pay more. What?!?! (Side note: we both had the feeling the girl was good at faking knowing what she was talking about and may not really know more than what computer buttons to push. We plan to get a second opinion to make sure it's all accurate, but figure we probably will have to pay).

I was rather upset when we left. Jeff, bless him, never gets too bothered about anything. He was disappointed, I could tell, but oh well, what're you gonna do? I, on the other hand, wanted to cry. It seems so unfair that we are honest, hard working people and it feels like we are being punished. I've always thought that welfare and assistance are good things. It's what the scriptures say- help those that need it. But, let's just say I've known a couple people that seem to take it all for granted. And I found myself leaving this place just so mad at them. Fine, I said, I'll quit my job and live on welfare and then we can qualify for the earned income credit and I'll get food stamps and who cares?
I've spent the last year trying so hard to pay down our debts so that when we want to have a baby, I can be home and we can have some financial stability. Blah blah blah.

I'm not just writing this so I can rant and feel sorry for myself. My real point is, I've never thought of myself as a material girl. In fact, I'm one of the least worldly people I know. But what I realized that day was that I really do focus on money. It's not just about being greedy and worldly; I might be at a different end of the spectrum, but my view of money is still a focus. I think it's for survival. People used to have to work on their farm and hope to have food etc to get them through. Now, we work for money. It's different, but the same. But, I was surprised to realize that for as humble and simple as I think of myself, I'm still caught up in the pursuit of money.
This actually is a good realization. It was freeing. I have been trying to pay down debt, only to feel like it's been replaced (or added to?) by other things. Maybe this will always be the case. Yesterday evening, I took the dog out and the sky was bright spring blue and I could see the mountains, still covered in snow and there were clouds in the sky. It was so beautiful. And I thought, no matter what happens financially, this will still be there. So I started thinking of other things that will still be there. Jeff will still love me. The grass will still grow. I will still be able to go out and take a walk. And suddenly, life wasn't about money anymore.

It seems to me that a lot of times life has tried to show me that the logical, right, responsible thing isn't always the right answer. I think sometimes that life/God/whatever you want to call it, is trying to break through my shell- this wall I've built up thinking I'm protecting myself- and free me to be more... loving, happy, creative. All these things I'm afraid of. And isn't that a wonderful lesson or gift to be given!?