If I never had to worry about money, it just didn't exist or I had enough for what I needed...
I would go live in Jackson, Wyoming in some kind of old farm house. I'd write all the crazy, beautiful, ugly, weird, simple, insightful stories that have filled my head since I was ten years old. I'd wear dresses or plain boxy t-shirts and cute girl pants and run around the fields with my children. I'd read. I'd think. I'd plant pink and white tulips. I'd have a swing in a tree and a hammock and a tree house that I would visit as often as the kids do. I'd eat bread and hot cocoa. I'd learn how to make lemonade and plant strawberries to put in it.
The point of this exercise is supposed to be that you realize what you really want and that you don't need a million dollars to do it. But, I think I do. What I want is so far away...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Don't Wanna Be a Polygamous
The other day I read an article I thought was going to be about how and why the polygamists dress the way they do. It was more of a "fashion" article questioning if their style will in any way find it's way into fashion (afterall, they said, fashion comes from the most unexpected places). The conclusion of the style gurus was that it would have little, if any, affect. Someone was quoted as saying "women don't want to look like that."
I don't mean to be judgemental etc, but I think that's probably true. I've even found myself hesitant to braid my hair or not wear make-up because I'm afraid of looking like that! I think the fascination with this story, in part, comes from our fear of being like them. Perhaps it's the similarities we see that scare us more than the differences?
When I read about this group of people, I wonder about my ancestors who lived polygamy as part of their religion. Honestly, I don't know that I could hold on to a faith that requested that of me. I don't know how they did it. But it's not just that part of it that is upsetting. I think when I look at these people, I see people who are strong in their convictions, holding on to beliefs that make them SO different than the rest of us, most of us wouldn't be able to live it. What gives them that strength if it's not something real?
A lot of people will say they've been brainwashed. I can buy into that. As far as we know and what all the stories say is that they are indoctrinated from birth to believe this way. They live it, they see parents, siblings, other people living it. So, it's just a part of who they are. I think we find this comforting in some way because that gives us the chance to believe that if they were taught differently, exposed to another way of being, that they too would see this as "wrong." I think we want/need to believe that somewhere inside them, something is telling them this isn't right. You don't have to be treated this way. It's what we want to believe about people who are abused or the women in the Middle East who are treated with so little respect or any other situation we see as wrong.
The thought that scares me is that there isn't this little voice in them saying they could have things different or better or that it's not right. How could a whole group of people fight so hard for something if they had any doubt about it? Why would kids return to abusive homes or people to abusive spouses? Why won't the women in the Middle East stand together and fight? How did slaves remain slaves? Because that little voice wasn't there. Or couldn't be heard. Or something.
So, how do we know what we know? I've had things I thought I would fight or die for all because I felt it so deep inside it HAD to be real. Some of those things are still there. Other things, I've been wrong about and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Probably if I was a polygamist it would be easier to hold onto that faith, that way of living even if I was shown I was wrong, than it would be to follow what was in my heart. I would never be able to know for sure what I knew again.
I watched a movie over the weekend I liked a lot. It was about a little town in France where everyone at least looks like they follow the patterns and rules. A woman and her daughter move to town and start a new chocolate store, just at the beginning of lent. She doesn't go to church. She doesn't follow what everyone else is doing. By the end of the movie you see how much good, Christian love she is doing while the guy who is the opposite, the stalwart, rule making, going to church guy has destroyed one or two people. At one point in the movie, I realized how HARD it would be to be the woman who was different but actually the one doing the right things. If you were raised or lived in this town, even if you saw the good the woman was doing, it might be hard or impossible to walk away from what everyone else was doing, what you'd been taught, shown, lived, feared as the right thing.
I don't want to be a polygamist. I don't want to just follow along. I want to be smart. I want to have experience and follow what REALLY is in my heart, not just what I was told was there. But, I don't know if I'll ever know the difference. I don't know how we can tell.
(I feel a need as I type this to make sure to let everyone know I'm not giving up my religion or any such thing. I'm just talking about... I guess really going inside and knowing what's in there...)
I don't mean to be judgemental etc, but I think that's probably true. I've even found myself hesitant to braid my hair or not wear make-up because I'm afraid of looking like that! I think the fascination with this story, in part, comes from our fear of being like them. Perhaps it's the similarities we see that scare us more than the differences?
When I read about this group of people, I wonder about my ancestors who lived polygamy as part of their religion. Honestly, I don't know that I could hold on to a faith that requested that of me. I don't know how they did it. But it's not just that part of it that is upsetting. I think when I look at these people, I see people who are strong in their convictions, holding on to beliefs that make them SO different than the rest of us, most of us wouldn't be able to live it. What gives them that strength if it's not something real?
A lot of people will say they've been brainwashed. I can buy into that. As far as we know and what all the stories say is that they are indoctrinated from birth to believe this way. They live it, they see parents, siblings, other people living it. So, it's just a part of who they are. I think we find this comforting in some way because that gives us the chance to believe that if they were taught differently, exposed to another way of being, that they too would see this as "wrong." I think we want/need to believe that somewhere inside them, something is telling them this isn't right. You don't have to be treated this way. It's what we want to believe about people who are abused or the women in the Middle East who are treated with so little respect or any other situation we see as wrong.
The thought that scares me is that there isn't this little voice in them saying they could have things different or better or that it's not right. How could a whole group of people fight so hard for something if they had any doubt about it? Why would kids return to abusive homes or people to abusive spouses? Why won't the women in the Middle East stand together and fight? How did slaves remain slaves? Because that little voice wasn't there. Or couldn't be heard. Or something.
So, how do we know what we know? I've had things I thought I would fight or die for all because I felt it so deep inside it HAD to be real. Some of those things are still there. Other things, I've been wrong about and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Probably if I was a polygamist it would be easier to hold onto that faith, that way of living even if I was shown I was wrong, than it would be to follow what was in my heart. I would never be able to know for sure what I knew again.
I watched a movie over the weekend I liked a lot. It was about a little town in France where everyone at least looks like they follow the patterns and rules. A woman and her daughter move to town and start a new chocolate store, just at the beginning of lent. She doesn't go to church. She doesn't follow what everyone else is doing. By the end of the movie you see how much good, Christian love she is doing while the guy who is the opposite, the stalwart, rule making, going to church guy has destroyed one or two people. At one point in the movie, I realized how HARD it would be to be the woman who was different but actually the one doing the right things. If you were raised or lived in this town, even if you saw the good the woman was doing, it might be hard or impossible to walk away from what everyone else was doing, what you'd been taught, shown, lived, feared as the right thing.
I don't want to be a polygamist. I don't want to just follow along. I want to be smart. I want to have experience and follow what REALLY is in my heart, not just what I was told was there. But, I don't know if I'll ever know the difference. I don't know how we can tell.
(I feel a need as I type this to make sure to let everyone know I'm not giving up my religion or any such thing. I'm just talking about... I guess really going inside and knowing what's in there...)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Feng Shui
(Re: Title- Well crap (whale crap?), I can't remember how to spell it. Oh, well. You know what I mean right? Maybe that is right...)
Recently at work they moved all the people from Classified Advertising's customer service over to Circulation's customer service area. I guess eventually they will be blending the two departments. Right now, it's just made it very crowded in our area.
My little group/team, used to sit over and away from customer service. People would comment on how quiet it was in our area. Then we got moved to a more central, but still out of the way, location and some of advertising (or someone) took our spot. It's busier in this area and there is more noise. But now with all the other people here, there is an energy in the office that frankly I don't like.
At first, I thought it would be good. The dress code is casual here, but with all these people, I felt a bit more like getting dressed up just to look and feel a bit more assertive. With so much going on, I felt like I was really at work, instead of trying not to fall asleep. But, that positivity didn't last long.
There are times, like today, that I think all this energy actually makes me jittery. Not like anyone is even bothering me specifically. It's just loud and busy and hectic and I feel overwhelemed.
With these changes, we've also moved to using "community" copier/printer/fax/time travel? machine. So, I feel like everytime I print something (which I do A LOT of with all these orders I process- it's my job), I have to fight my way through the crowd. I stand in line to make copies. I sort through a billion things to find my stuff (including people's personal and credit card info!). It makes me feel like I can't get my job done. It makes it feel hectic. And I stress about the credit cards feeling like it's my responsibility to protect them (which, I guess it is).
Oh well. I'm not even really complaining. Just noticing how real the vibe and energy flow is here and how it's affecting me. I've actually felt bizarrly happy and positive this week. Don't know what that's about! :)
Recently at work they moved all the people from Classified Advertising's customer service over to Circulation's customer service area. I guess eventually they will be blending the two departments. Right now, it's just made it very crowded in our area.
My little group/team, used to sit over and away from customer service. People would comment on how quiet it was in our area. Then we got moved to a more central, but still out of the way, location and some of advertising (or someone) took our spot. It's busier in this area and there is more noise. But now with all the other people here, there is an energy in the office that frankly I don't like.
At first, I thought it would be good. The dress code is casual here, but with all these people, I felt a bit more like getting dressed up just to look and feel a bit more assertive. With so much going on, I felt like I was really at work, instead of trying not to fall asleep. But, that positivity didn't last long.
There are times, like today, that I think all this energy actually makes me jittery. Not like anyone is even bothering me specifically. It's just loud and busy and hectic and I feel overwhelemed.
With these changes, we've also moved to using "community" copier/printer/fax/time travel? machine. So, I feel like everytime I print something (which I do A LOT of with all these orders I process- it's my job), I have to fight my way through the crowd. I stand in line to make copies. I sort through a billion things to find my stuff (including people's personal and credit card info!). It makes me feel like I can't get my job done. It makes it feel hectic. And I stress about the credit cards feeling like it's my responsibility to protect them (which, I guess it is).
Oh well. I'm not even really complaining. Just noticing how real the vibe and energy flow is here and how it's affecting me. I've actually felt bizarrly happy and positive this week. Don't know what that's about! :)
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