Monday

I'm sure I had something interesting I was going to post today...

To Jeffy

My wonderful Jeffrey often tells me he likes to see me without make-up. I don't know why that sometimes is so hard to accept when probably, at some point in my life, I've wished for someone to see me for what I am and love my natural beauty. Sometimes I'll get it. I don't know if he'll ever know or if I'll ever be able to really show him what it means to me to know he feels that way. To have him tell me his favorite time to see me is when I just wake up and he can see just me. Or that the first time he saw me without make-up he said he liked seeing what I look like.
Anyway, I read this today and again "got it."


"When a man is in love, what he finds really attractive is the feeling that he's seeing you for who you truly are," explains REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. "To a guy, the makeup, the sexy outfit, it's all a mask. He wants the woman behind the mask. Openness, vulnerability, an air of contentment — those things are what really turns him on."

ANGELA: The irony is that whenever I feel my hottest — say, when I wear a low-cut blouse and fabulous black stilettos — Rich rarely finds me sexy! I like to wear super-shiny lip gloss, but Rich thinks it's more sticky than kissable; and if I stare longingly into his eyes he just thinks I'm being cheesy. I also feel attractive anytime I'm in candlelight — in fact, I always light candles in the bedroom. I'm sure Rich wonders why I'm so candle obsessed.
RICH: I find Angela the most irresistible when she's zoned out on the couch in front of the TV after a long day at work. She's not wearing any makeup or jewelry. Everything is stripped away, and she's just totally relaxed. I'll look over at her beautiful face and think, Wow, this is a great shot. I have to take a picture. Her natural beauty turns me on much more than when she's all dolled up.

LORENDA: Like most girls, I definitely feel the most sexy when I've got my hair relaxed and set, my eyebrows freshly waxed at the salon, and I'm putting on a dress and heels to go out. The attention to detail that's involved in each of these things gives me a chance to focus on my body and accentuate and showcase my best features. When I know I look my best, I feel more confident — and when I feel confident, I feel sexy.
MATT: I'm most attracted to the things that make Ren unique and show her natural energy. So I love the way she looks the week before she goes to the salon, when her roots have grown so her hair is puffy. I've never met a girl who had such voluminous hair. I love to mess it up so that it gets really big. Also, when she's just gotten home from the gym, all sweaty in her Twizzlers T-shirt, ratty gray yoga pants, and tennis shoes, with her hair pulled back but with a few stray strands plastered to her face. She has a glow in her complexion from doing something she loves, and every part of her body, from hair to sweat, communicates an energy that is very sexy.

Taking Out the Trash

I had an epitome yesterday. I hesitate to try to explain it because I don't want anyone to be offended or take it personally etc. At the same time, I think that saying it really is nothing new and if anything is new, it may be helpful, not critical.

What I realized is that I was raised in a negative, fearful environment. EVERYTHING is hard and scary and impossible and going to bother someone so you better not. I told Jeff this morning that I can't even get my hair done because I better not spend the money, it will bug him if I take the time to do my hair everyday, it will probably bug the dog who has to wait for me to go outside or will freak out if I use the hair dryer so I just better not do it. What the heck? It's my hair for cryin' out loud, not a life changing thing. AND! It's MY hair. Can't I make that decision?

It just seems that nobody does what we want to do or just lives life and is happy about it. And, no offense, but I'm just like these people and I don't want to be! Poor Jeff has to live with me ALWAYS pouting about and struggling with things. Even things that should make me happy, I find something in them to stress about. And you can't just be happy, you have to apologize and down play it all. Argh!

I have another blog on here called my happy hippie journal. It was started because I realized that even when I try to exert my beliefs and feelings etc, I do so in a negative way. I criticize someone when really I'm trying to say that I value the opposite of what they said/did/etc. The other blog was supposed to be a place for me to just be happy and work on saying things in a positive way and say what I want and what I'm doing- no apologies, no negative slant. Maybe that's all I'm saying here.

I didn't even get the dog without feeling stupid about the expense, the mess, the hassle- and I"M THE ONE THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH IT! Why should I apologize to someone else?

Well, because. You tell someone and they groan "what would you want to do that for?"



I wanted to eat healthy and no one else liked it.
I wanted to take a walk or ride my bike and I had to be careful and not go too far.
I wanted to be an artist and the lady at the school said I didn't want to work hard.
I wanted to write stories and the stuff I wrote about wasn't as good as what someone else wrote or might not be "righteous" or it would explore different feelings and that would be bad.
I wanted to be a mom and I can't afford it.
I wanted to fall in love and I had to fear for my morals.
I wanted to wear cute clothes and it was vain.
I wanted to have friends and it would bother someone and we'd have to clean the house.
I wanted to go to church and I had to go by myself.
I wanted to play baseball and I had to play by myself.