Scrubs, the dog and the Disney Channel

Last night on Scrubs, some characters were trying to help J.D. do better with his interns. They told him he is more concerned with them liking him and he needs them to respect him- he's their teacher and leader, not their friend. It showed "flashbacks" to when he was in college and how quick he was to help and please other people in his quest to be liked. It was funny, but sadly reminded me of Me.
I never thought my people pleasing problem was an effort to be liked. I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, I thought it was more a fear of getting in trouble or having people mad at me. In my head, I rationally don't care if most people like me. I don't respect most people enough to care. For real! But, watching the show I realized I do care. And that is what my problem is about.
Even with the dog. Last night I took her for a real walk. This is only like the second time I've taken her past our own apartment yard. She loved it! When we got home it's like she thought we were having this bonding experience and were best friends. She would not leave me alone. As I sat watching t.v. and eating my dinner, she insisted on getting right in my lap and licking me and whining to the point I couldn't stand it.
I have a friend who has twin boys (not Heather :) I once went to the store with them and found it quite silly that at the same time she's telling them no, they can't have a treat and to behave etc, she was opening the treat and handing it to them before she'd even paid. Now, I'm not one to judge (yeah right) but I did take note that her actions were speaking much louder than her words. So, last night as I told the dog to shut up, calm down, and quit licking me as I rubbed her belly and was a pushover for her puppy dog eyes, I scolded myself. But I honestly didn't know what to do. I couldn't be mean to the sweet little thing! And, it probably comes down to wanting her to like me.
So then a movie came on the Disney channel. If I wasn't so tired, I probably would have watched it but I only watched the beginning. A woman apparently had lost her job or her business went under or something and she'd decided to become a high school biology teacher. She said she wasn't afraid because the hardship of it couldn't possibly compare with being a corporate CEO. Well, first day and the class was out of control of course. And the principal basically told her the same thing the other Dr's told J.D. You want them to respect you, not to like you and you have to take charge right from the get go.
I decided (not like I didn't know) that this is why I'm not a teacher. I couldn't do that.
Well, maybe I could learn how to do that. Maybe that's what the classes and training are for. I listen to people at work that come across as nice people but you're scared to get on their bad side and think I guesss I could be like that. But...
I don't think I want to. So... how am I going to survive in the world? For real? And how will I even raise my own children? They are going to need discipline and structure and leadership. Not just a friend?

Community copy/printer/fax machine

I exist to serve and help. I exist for you. That's true isn't it? Even for God. I mean, we go to church and learn to serve and sacrifice and maybe even that that's what God needs us for...

I think I believe that love has to be earned. Sure, I can love someone else for no particular reason, they're just them. But for someone, even God, to love me, I have to earn it. And when I'm not doing the things in my head that I think earn love, I'm afraid I'm not. I don't feel love. I know love. I logisticate (great word hahaha!) love...

You don't have to be the way you've always been...

Yesterday I stood at the community copy/printer/fax machine TRYING to make copies. But just as I'd push copy, someone else would print from their desk and mine would get pushed to the bottom of the list. Then they'd come running over, grab the stack from the out tray, sort through it for their stuff and set the pile somewhere else entirely! Excuse me?!?!?! That's my stuff!
I was so frustrated that a job that used to take me 10 minutes max took about 1/2 an hour. This week has been crazy anyway. Monday, my big day, I asked someone to help that I thought was supposed to be available to help. She said she would but she didn't know how much. Okay, that wasn't rude, she was busy, but it left me feeling like I didn't know where to go to get the job done (she's my supe and told me to ask her for help first before other people). I'm supposed to be able to take orders to customer service when we get so many. So I tried that next. Big fat ugly mean supervisor told me she didn't have anyone that could help. (Uh, there's a sign on the wall that says you have NO calls coming in, you can help me). It was so frustrating. Then, one of "my" people went on vacation this week all through next week but for some reason, no one bothered to tell me he was going to be gone. It would be nice to know considering I'm the one that has to pick up his slack.
So, that's the week I was having and the reason why the community copy/printer/fax machine incident about made me cry. I came back to my desk so overwhelmed and stressed. I can't even do my job! and there is a lot of pressure to get it done. I was shaking and wanted to go home SO badly.
Anyway, Jeff was on messenger so I talked to him. I felt kinda dumb reacting so much over a community copy/printer/fax machine. But I thought maybe if I just tell him that I feel so much physically, he'll understand a little better why I'm so moody sometimes etc. So we talked. Eventually I got over it and I think I felt a lot better having just talked about it.
It got me thinking though. Maybe it's possible to just change. No thinking, planning, analyzing. Maybe I just don't have to be the way I've always been.
So that got me thinking of things I think, ways I am, etc. What kind of "programming" is in there that I could just say, I don't HAVE to be like that anymore?

I exist to make everyone else happy...
I don't deserve love unless I'm absolutely perfect and I know I'm not...
I have to do everything right and I can't make mistakes...
Everyone else knows better than I do...

A Bunch Of Stuff

Today, I awkwardly climbed out of the car (I drove Jeff's car and it's low to the ground but has long doors I can't open all the way if I'm parked next to someone) and stood there straightening my twisted shirt, jacket, pants. I didn't LOOK, but noticed in the back seat of the car next to me there was some kind of swim suit catalog on top of a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs. Hmpf, I thought, as I quickly thought of what the driver of the car might be like- a hot girl and this is her shopping stack? a young stud and this is better than hiding them under his mattress from his mommy? an old pervert?
As I walked to the building, in an attempt to control some of the negative thoughts I've been fighting this week, I thought don't judge so quickly. Just realize you kinda wish you looked like a Victoria's Secret/swimsuit model. That wasn't much more positive to me and I quickly replaced that with, I wish I looked like me.
This was an interesting thought. Not just an acknowledgement of being okay with myself, but thinking okay, what does Me look like? And maybe who Me is right now is different than who Me was a year ago, three years ago or what Me will be like in another year or three.
Perhaps one way to combat self esteem issues and all the messages that are out there is to be very vigilant in looking inside. (Well duh- thought I was getting somewhere- thinking as I type...).
The other day Jeff said something about true beauty is on the inside (I don't remember what we were talking about but it wasn't directed at me). I said, yeah, that's just supposed to be a nice way to say you're ugly so get over it and find something else to like about yourself. He said he never really liked that phrase but he does really think that true beauty STARTS on the inside and can surface. That's a good thought.
So, again, what does Me look like? What inner beauty can I bring to the surface?

Speaking of beauty. I read an article that some dermatologist has a theory (at the END of the article they tell you no studies have been done on it, it's just this guy's thoughts) that some lip gloss can cause or help bring about skin cancer on your lips. He says the really glossy kind with no SPF is like putting a magnifying glass over lips in the sun. It described some of the skin conditions he's seen on the lips that aren't cancer but weird growths and spots etc. Kinda really grossed me out. Sometimes, especially lately for some reason, I've wondered about all the chemicals we put on (not to mention in- microwaves and processed food with indefinite shelf lives) our bodies for beauty and even hygeine. Kinda scary.

And somehow this thought fits in here too. It's not developed and I was trying to formulate a blog out of it but couldn't or haven't yet. Do you know who Miley Cyrus is? She plays Hannah Montana on a Disney channel show. I've never watched it but I know little girls at the day care and the boss's daugher here kinda idolize her. She's a singer and does concerts as both peronas- Hannah and Miley. She's touted, from what little I know, as this clean all American role model, unlike Britney Spears and the rest. Even the Christian radio station I sometimes frequent talks about her. Her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus is a country singer who I guess is so full of Christian family values.
Well anyway, the latest thing on MSN and the radio stations (hm, not the Christian one) is about risque pictures of Miley. I guess there are some provocative ones on MySpace or somewhere that show a hint of her green bra and her laying on her boyfriend, and then I guess the big one is a photo shoot she did for Vanity Fair (?) that was supposedly supposed to be some artsy fartsy thing but really is an almost naked 15 year old girl trying (or perhaps accomplishing?) looking sexy. Hm...
Whatever your judgements... it's just sad to me that someone so young is being thrown into that world. And it seems to happen to all of them. And when it's someone that's supposedly so clean cut and a role model for kids, it makes me really sad. Can't even our little girls exist without trying to be sexy and worry about looks etc etc etc.
And then here's my interesting but undeveloped thought... I'm not even sure how to say it. I was just kinda thinking that maybe, in some way, it's natural or like a right of passage for girls, probably at young-mid teenagehood, to become aware of their sexuality. To realize they have this... seductiveness? for lack of a better word. And maybe just to feel pretty and not in a Daddy says I'm cute and his little girl way but in a I'm a woman kind of way. So, posing for pictures and acting slutty isn't the way to go about expressing or exploring this. But maybe it's these kind of stories/examples that have always made that feeling (if I ever had it) in me get stifled. These things are bad. She's bad and we don't like her and don't want to be like that. So, any feelings I may have had of oh, I'm a girl or oh, I'm pretty or whatever, kinda got associated with negative things when really the feelings not bad, it's the expression of it? Or something like that.

Hm... someone at work has a birthday today. I just heard her tell someone she's 30. She looks... not old, but older and grown up. She has kids and a husband and has lived in another state. She has a more take charge kind of job and talks with authority and assertiveness. Am I old? and I just don't know it? I can't see myself as a grown up. Maybe I need to start.